Mooty

I smoke to cope with my emotions and illness. There’s something about this state of being and this music, it’s like a transcending feeling music. I feel like I’m partially in a state of tranquility as I’m trying to escape the pain of my emotions. I’m trying to endure it head on instead of trying to avoid them and seemingly punish those around me. I simply want everyone to have their best life. I want everyone to be happy yet I want my own happiness sometimes in things that can’t provide it. I want them to be happy even if it’s at my expense. But the selfish side of me, it yearns for any ounce of that happiness. It begs for it and feeds off of it and continues to want more and more to satisfy my inner self telling me I’m not worthy of love. It latches onto this desire and feeds off it, not letting it escape my thought if even for a moment. I try to desensitize myself to everything in an effort to escape the pain. You don’t understand because I want nothing more in the world than to see you happy. The catch is that I want to be the one making you happy. My fucked up attachment type yearns for wanting to know I make you happy. Part of me that feels these intense emotions makes me question whether I’m truly capable of love or if I’m always feeling such an intensity of emotion- if I ever really love at all and I’m just trying to feed into my psyche. Am I capable of love or just desire? I wonder if my emotions just form a facade of what is. I’ve never felt so lonely. I’m surrounding by people yet I feel like the only one in the room, all the time. I just wanted a second chance to try and love you again. I’m at my weakest where I don’t want to hurt, but this is the mountain of pain I failed to experience before. It’s filling my empty void and flowing through my pen until I’m left with nothing to feel. Months later I wonder if I will look back with regret. Goodnight self

Theo <3