Mike Driver
oozey mess
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roma★
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if i look back, i am lost
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@m-reygean
She's gone. My sweet little angel is gone. She was special. The sweetest, funniest, most beautiful fluffy babycat princess. She was only three years old. Cancer and leukemia took her. She was a big part of my life and my family's life. We fought for her with all our might, but it was too late. There will be a emptiness in my home and in my heart that only she could fill. I love her so much, I will miss her so much. I'm so sorry.
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On November 1st, my babycat received a blood transfusion because her blood counts had worsened due to FeLV. She felt much better, but the effect only lasted three days. Then her condition began to rapidly deteriorate again. Today we went to the clinic and they did an ultrasound. And according to the ultrasound results, she has pancreatic lymphoma that has metastasized to the kidney. This is crazy, because just a month ago we consulted an oncologist and she said that this tumor was not lymphoma and we shouldn't worry about it. And in the end, we lost time again. And this makes all my treatment attempts pointless. It was so painful for me to torture her with this treatment, constantly giving her injections, constantly forcing her with pills. And none of it made any sense. I cry all day long. This is crazy. I just can't believe it. She's only three years old and not a single doctor gives her a chance. She barely gets up, she drinks little, and eats only from my hand. I don't want to lose her so much, I love her so much. I feel destroyed. Nothing makes sense when your beloved catchild dies before your eyes and you can't do anything to help. I don't know how I'm supposed to bear this. I'm crying right now, soaking her fur with tears. God knows I would give the years of my life to her if I could. I would sell my soul if I could save her, I would give anything.
(Yesterday I got drunk while writing this post and ended up falling asleep without sending it...)
I wanted to go to a Halloween concert at a newly opened rock bar today, but I have a very sick babycat at home. And every day I fear for her, every day I feel weak and powerless because of her illness. But I wanted some distraction. I'm so tired of living in fear. I have no friends or acquaintances, and I'm so tired of being isolated from the world. So I tidied myself up, dressed nicer and almost left the house, but in the end I stopped... And I couldn't leave. Of course, someone would have looked after my babycat, and I really needed a distraction. But... Now I'm sitting at home, writing this message... And this is a terrible feeling, I'm upset that I couldn't go anywhere. But my cat is getting worse and... My mother says that there might be no choice but to put her to sleep. I don't want her to be right.
My babycat has gotten worse. The prescribed treatment isn't helping, and I don't know what else to do. She's stopped eating and drinking again, she's severely anemic, and she looks really bad. I don't know how to deal with this or what to do to help her. Some people around me think I'm getting some kind of perverse pleasure from trying to cure her. BUT I JUST WANT HER TO BE ALIVE AND HEALTHY.
I never thought I'd have to face physical threats from a taxi driver for trying to open the window because I was nauseous and motion sick. I guess I should have just puked on him.
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I wanted to share that I'm going crazy because my babycat suddenly got sick. It had been going on for a long time, and it was hard. I couldn't handle the pressure anymore. My psyche couldn't handle the stress. Every day I lived in fear that this might be her last day, because none of the vets could say anything, even though we'd spent so much money trying to find out. The symptoms she was experiencing seemed too broad for any one specific illness. And we had a huge list of potential diagnoses, including the worst ones. Every day I was on the verge of hysteria, every day I panicking. I cried when I was alone. I felt incredibly lonely because people I considered close to me were either indifferent to the problem or cruelly mocked me, accusing me of being responsible for my cat's illness, and some even "borrowed" money from me without my consent... My sanity couldn't take it anymore. And I blamed myself for her illness. I hated myself.
And yesterday, it turned out my babycat had FeLV. She's had it latent since she was a kitten, but for some reason it's only surfaced now. Now I need to test my other cats for FeLV, and if they test will be negative, figure out how to house them all together... And if the test will be positive... well... I don't know what I'll do...
But now it pains me to keep her locked in the closet of my small apartment until the status of the other cats is clarified...
I hate watching life pass me by. I hate feeling trapped and isolated. I hate struggling when circumstances get worse and worse every day. I hate doing things I don't enjoy and that exhaust me because I have to do them for my own survival. I hate pretending and playing a role assigned to me. I hate feeling weak and helpless. I hate having too many things in my life to hate and too few to love.
You just take,
And take,
And take,
Devouring, consuming.
Gnawing the flesh down to bone,
Eating the soul into hollow.
There is no love in you, no kindness,
No care, no warmth —
Only you,
Your problems, your anxieties, your endless hunger,
Your bottomless wants, your private miseries.
You are the center of your universe,
The leading role in your little play,
And all around you are nothing but toys,
Meat, and fuel for your fleeting interest.
You sink your claws into my soul,
Ripping the flesh with greedy fingers.
You tell me that you need me,
But all you need is for me to play my part:
Smile, praise, embrace,
Give your body and bleed out your soul.
Say YES, love, obey,
Make me happy — do it, NOW :)
Your words and actions are like venom in the blood,
Poisoning thought, flooding with guilt,
Dragging me into madness.
With a gentle noose around my throat
You make me doubt myself, erase my borders,
Keep me captive and burning, burning
Until you’re done.
And I am sure in your insatiable lust
You would go further,
Far beyond corrupting my soul.
You need no consent —
You’ve made that clear enough.
You claim as yours whatever you desire,
So easy, so casual, so cruel.
I would have died, if I had the strength.
I would have run, if I had the will.
But I remain, watching myself
Turn to ash — flesh and soul alike.
You just take,
And take,
And take,
Everything for yourself.
And you don’t even realize
What I dream of
When I look at you.
Actually, the original version in my native language had a rhyme, but now it doesn't, so...maybe I'll work on it someday, but for now the main thing for me was just to get it out there. Maybe one day I'll make song lyrics out of it.
It's so scary and sad when you've been so deprived of human warmth and care since childhood that you develop a positive perception of violence. "Maybe if someone takes away my control, if someone completely takes over my life and treats me like their property, I'll feel better, I'll feel cared for, even if it's wrong and twisted." It's horrible, it's scary, but the body is ready to do anything to get at least a drop of human warmth. I hate it, but I'm desperate. So desperate. Anything to feel needed.
Who the hell said that sport helps with depression? I'm still a depressed douchebag, but now I'm also an exhausted tired depressed douchebag.
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I hate being lost in my own mind and helplessness. I hate spending time in this void.
Hey i'm starting to like my own body. Because evolution has come up with a damn cool way of regeneration after burns.
Every time someone fights with me, I feel more lonely than ever. And I always try to avoid fights, but it doesn't always depend on me.
Never cook in a bad mood - there is a risk of touching a hot oven tray with your bare hand. Now a reminder of this mistake is burned on my skin...
Okay, now I'm ashamed of myself. Fucking paradox: you live in a shell, keep quiet and endure - it hurts, you throw something into the world so as not to burn out alone with yourself - it's shameful.
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I feel so shitty and lonely. I want to stop feeling this way so badly. I don’t want to cry, but I do. I want something to change, I want to be happy. I’m so tired of having such a hard time. I’m so tired of feeling like a grain of sand in the sea. I’m so tired of fighting my demons, I’m so tired of doing it alone. I want to be loved. I want a sweet, caring guy by my side. And I don’t need him to heal me, save me, or fix me. I just need someone’s presence next to me. Just someone who’s on my side. Because I’m tired of pretending to be the man of steel that people constantly expect from me. I’m tired of being a robot for everyone and playing the role of a “savior.” I just want to live, I want to have friends, I want to be loved, I want to be happy. But I’m so tired… I really want everything to be like a fairy tale, for a miracle to just happen and get better. But it won’t happen. And it’s an endless torture.
Level of my mental support 🌈✨
Someone: I'm so sad(((
Me: Don't be sad - whistle with your ass, lad!