Dear Jeff,

Dear Tumblr @staff ,

I’ve read your new guidelines with great interest and care and I must say you’ve missed a huge opportunity to become a leader in Internet community safety.

Let me explain:

First of all, as an adult and a parent I wholeheartedly applaud your efforts in making Tumblr a place where minors can explore the Internet in a safe environment. You have my full support in banning any and all form of child pornography! So in all sincerity kudos to you for taking this step.

Having said that, as a parent, I know all too well how forbidding a certain toy/food/activity to my offspring will turn it into a forbidden fruit. Coming down on my kids like a maddening fury yelling they’re not allowed to do drugs for example is by no means a guarantee they won’t end up with a needle in their arm. Harsh, I know, yet a reality nonetheless.

The same applies to sexuality in all it shapes and forms. Taking all adult content away form Tumblr will only push all these curious youngsters to go and explore elsewhere and we all know the Internet showcases fucked up stuff!

Also, trust me when I say my young teenage offspring has quite the sexual imagination already.

Turning sex and/or nudity into a taboo is not helping my offspring. Talking to them however is, answering any and all questions they have is.

Secondly, I’m a proud member of the BDSM community here on Tumblr, have been for over 2 years.

In my time on here I’ve seen and discovered this community is very protective of itself; abusers and/or wannabes are called out, numerous child pornography blogs have been reported.

There’s a whole community online of people, both Dominants and submissives alike, with up to 40 years of experience that share their knowledge, that take new people under their wing, that openly demonstrate the difference between porn BDSM and real life relationships.

New, curious people - when of legal age - were all welcomed with open arms by all of us. An insane amount of questions have been answered, advice and guidance have been offered freely to anyone who genuinely wanted to explore the BDSM world.

Now, now you’re pushing all these new aspiring dominants/submissives into uncharted territory! Safe, Sane and Consensual has been thrown out of the window for the BDSM community.

What I wanted, hell what every single one of my followers wanted, was to get rid of the porn bots! What we wanted was to get rid of the child pornography.

What we wanted was a safe environment for all of us.

What we’re left with is a whole lot of the opposite. Making Tumblr Safe Again has made the whole Internet an even more unsafer place.

What you could, and should have done, is reach out to the blogs with the largest follower base, made an open invitation to any and all smaller blogs who wanted to help you make Tumblr a safer place. Yes, we should have been vetted amidst this process. No, no one would have objected.

I’m beyond disappointed Tumblr. What started as an no doubt good and spot on idea has left a very bad taste in my mouth.

Sincerely,

Also, I’ve been thinking of making a petition.

This is shout out to all my followers!

7-10$ for a bottle of cheap alcohol of your choice at your local liquor store.

However much you want to spend on frozen fruit, juice, and yogurt

Alcohol takes longer to freeze than water, but most home freezers can get down to around 15-20 degrees F, which is where you want to aim. 

Fill just over half your blender with frozen fruit

Slop some yogurt on top, idk like a half cup?

Pour wine into the blender until the ‘fill’ line is about a quarter-up. 

BLEND THAT MOTHERFUCKER LIKE IT INSULTED YOUR GRANDMA. 

You want the texture to be pretty thick (thicc), because a thick smoothie will usually harden beautifully in the freezer - forms a nice solid popcicle.

If its too thin, add more fruit. 

Pour your new slurry of goodness into your popcicle molds

If there’s empty molds, repeat above steps for more delicious sludge. Maybe switch flavors?

Stuff into the freezer. Make sure freezer is set to ‘really freaking cold’ (alcohol freezes at a lower temp than water) 

Wait a day or two. 

(Eat the leftover smoothie) 

VICTORY

If you’re not into alcohol, just replace the alcohol with a red or white juice and you’re good to go. I don’t recommend citrus fruits/juice because they can interact badly with dairy. You can leave out the yogurt and replace with half a banana or avocado if you REALLY want to use citrus and want to keep the smoothness. 

You can also google delicious fruit smoothie recipes for ideas on fruit combinations. 

You can also just use chocolate ice cream and coffee with bailey’s and kaluhua to make a fantastic chocolate popcicle. 

“hmm hmm yes very good”

alien: why are you doing that?

alien: wait you forgot to make that one vibrate!

Other human: *is eating a slice of the same pizza, but cold*

Alien: this liquid has negligible nutritional value and, furthermore, contains some molecules that I believe are poisonous to your species.

Heavily embarrassed they admitted that it was. The reason for the godawful tortured sound the dog had made?

“We took his running harness off.”

She is dumb as soup.

(You didn’t hear that from me: her owner thinks she’s a genius, bless him.)

Anyway, my dog Tribble thinks Arya the husky is one of her very own adopted babies, so she stays with us fairly often. Reasons I have heard this dog dissolve into a screaming, wailing meltdown include:

I followed my buddy up a mildly steep hill and now she’s gone and I can’t figure out how to get down

That one cat won’t be friends with me even though all the others will

I hopped up on the sofa and the hardwood floor next to it is much more confusing than the laminate I have lived on since I was two months old and I don’t know how to get down

I’m mildly bored and my buddy yelled at me when I tried to bite her neck for the zillionth time

I want to play with that potted plant but you said I couldn’t

I’m overcome with joy because you took me on a walk to the hardware store

I want that biscuit but I forgot what sit means and now I’m frustrated

I haven’t seen you in two weeks and I forgot you weren’t dead and I’m overjoyed

You are not petting me enough

You are not petting me at all

I got lost four times in five minutes on the off leash trail and now you won’t let me off again for a while

There’s a brush and I need it

You made eye contact with me and didn’t immediately drop everything to pet me

I kind of suspect this is going on here in part because of the dog being so very specifically upset that the one cat won’t be friends, despite all the other cats being friends, and also the overcome-with-joy bits: you’ll notice they’re very similar to what makes toddlers randomly cry for no reason. 

Where a bulldog doesn’t care about the difference between laminate and hardwood, a husky is just smart enough to get VERY CONCERNED ABOUT HOW THESE ARE SUBTLY DIFFERENT AND POSSIBLY IT MEANS THAT GETTING DOWN WILL BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE AAAAAUGH! and get hysterically anxious about it.