Leon

But like this also establishes that he 100% believes he was always doomed by the narrative to do flips at terrorists in spandex. Which is amazing.

[ID in alt text, transcripts for comics also found there!]

🎉🎇HAPPY NEW YEAR!🎇🎉

Really sad I couldn’t incorporate Jason’s friendship bracelet in Bruce’s suit 😔 but it’s definetly there.

Pt1 //// prev. //// next

absolutely lost it over this fic by @neuro-psyche so. have this comic o(- (

with that in mind. Tim showing Damian the ropes of being Robin.

Tim: so after patrol you’re supposed to do a nightly report of any incidents at the batcomputer, i’ll show you the login and how the system works…

Bruce: *nods in satisfaction and walks away*

Tim, the second they’re alone: ok so to be honest you’re supposed to do it at the batcomputer so it’s thorough but none of us can be fucked with that so what we usually do is just keep a note on our phones of any major incidents and then on the way back to the cave we send a screenshot of it to Oracle and she inputs it remotely, it saves you like half an hour every night.

Damian: i see.

-

Tim: this is the weapon storage centre; at the end of the night every bat tool has to be accounted for and scanned into the system.

Damian: everything is to be returned to here?

Tim: yeah, Bruce’s orders. but what we haven’t told B is that Dick broke the scanning system years ago so if you want to nick a cool knife or grapple gun for everyday use then you can literally scan, like, an apple or something, and input the code as the item you’re stealing and Bruce never notices.

Damian: *intrigued*

Tim: i scanned a sharpie instead of a flamethrower i was supposed to return one night. Bruce still doesn’t know it’s in my school backpack.

-

Tim: this is the usual patrol route; that’s where we usually get to rest for fifteen minutes, by that 7-11 down there, and over in that alley there’s a really secluded abandoned balcony that no civilians can see.

Tim: that’s where we go during rough nights when we want to cry or stare into space for a few minutes.

Damian: good to know.

-

Tim: if you hurt a rogue too badly you’re supposed to log the injuries inflicted on them to Bruce’s online files so he gets flagged by any major incidents, but Jason figured out that if you tag the injury as ‘light skin trauma’ it will register in the system as a scratch and automatically get put in the ‘unimportant’ file which Bruce isn’t notified by. So even if you stab Scarecrow in the neck, as long as you tag it as ‘light skin trauma with metal implement’ Bruce won’t see it.

Tim: the same applies to our own injury reports, so like, if you ever can’t be fucked with having to sit still and be examined in the medbay after a busy patrol, that’s how you get around him knowing you’re hurt.

-

Tim: there’s supposed to be a limit on the amount of training you can do per day to stop us from ‘over doing it’ but if you time your workout to the evenings where Bruce works on the batmobile, then he never remembers to keep an eye on the timer and we get like an extra hour.

-

Tim: this is the only chandelier in the manor that Alfred can’t get to to clean it, so he relies on us to swing up and polish it every now and then. So if you smoke, up there is where Jason hides his stash.

Damian: …i am eleven.

Tim: Jason started when he was ten, i dont know.

-

Tim: you’re supposed to take water with you on patrol so we all have our own bottles that attach to the belt. Bruce checks that we have it but not what’s inside it, so you can fill it up with whatever. i usually go for coffee. one time Jason and Dick split a pint of margaritas in theirs and tried to see who could drink and swing the best. Dick hit a lamppost.

Damian:

Damian: …well yes. the pit enhanced Todd’s metabolism, so alcohol rarely will effect him.

Tim:

Tim: that sneaky motherfucker

and I LOVE this trope, don't get me wrong, but I'd like to imagine a situation where it doesn't happen like that. I want a situation where Nightwing joins the League, but he and Batman play it off well enough that the JL doesn't put them together. They notice that they work well together, sure, and Batman seems to trust Nightwing easier than the other new members, but no one questions it because Nightwing is good.

And the JL reaches a point where it's been months or even years and they still don't know.

Until Nightwing gets hurt. They've seen him hurt before, but he gets hurt. Bleeding out, affected by fear toxin, whatever, the point is, he's in bad shape. And Nightwing - strong, crooked grin, happy facade - screams. He screams for his dad - a word that he never uses, but that doesn't matter now, because he's scared, and he's hurt, and he just wants to go home.

And nobody knows what to do. Every single League member very quickly realizes that they know nothing about this guy. Everyone wonders about Batman because he seems so mysterious, but Nightwing always seemed so open, and it's only in that moment that they realize they have no actual information on him.

But that only last for a split second, because, of course Batman reacts first. He runs to his side and starts to stabilize his injuries while assuring him in a voice that they've never heard before, a voice that is distinctly not his Batman growl, that he's right there and it's all going to be okay.

And Nightwing... well, he stops calling out for his father. And he doesn't stay in the watchtower infirmary after that. When they ask Batman where he took him, he just tells them home.

Batman wants to keep his family safe but also realizes that his baby boy is a grown man and can make his own decisions, even if this baby gives him a heart attack.

Nightwing is strong, smart, and levelheaded in battle. He’s go a good personality that many heroes, young and old, admire greatly. It would be a great disservice to the the hero world.

So Nightwing joins the Justice Leauge.

Boom, immediately everyone feels like something is wrong. Nightwing is a legend of his own in the superhero community, just like Batman. Obviously, the League figured the only two unpowered humans in the team would get along, but this is too much

Nightwing is constantly on him. Hanging off his shoulders, playing with his fingers, draped over his lap, flipping off his shoulders??? Doing a whole acrobatic routine based on Batman’s body??? It’s strange and off putting.

Batman pretends like it’s not even happening, like he’s completely used to it.

He calls him nicknames, mocks his voice and his serious attitude, argues with him. It’s like the League has been dumped in an alternate dimension. (They’ve checked, but no… still the same dimension)

Now, something hero’s are painfully aware of is that Batman can be kinda territorial about his food. He doesn’t do jokes about trying to steal his food. He leveled Hal with such a flat stare that the man actually apologized and stayed silent for an entire lunch period

And Nightwing has grown close enough to all the main League members that he’s invited to sit at their ‘table’ for lunch. Another reason they’re suspicious of Nightwing, he voluntarily sits by Batman

Nightwing has his own food and finishes it in record speed (obvi not counting Flash) but then… he starts picking at Batman’s…?

Batman doesn’t even blink or slap his hand away. Then Nightwing opens his mouth like a baby bird waiting to be fed and… Batman feeds him??? He cuts off the best part of his steak and just pops it into Nightwing’s mouth.

Why are they both acting like this is complete normal???

Nightwing is stealing his lunches, taking snack out of his utility belt (which is just wow cause why does Batman carry so many snacks??), taking sips of his drinks or just stealing the whole thing for himself

It’s absolutely crazy

And on rare occasions, when Nightwing is eating something he doesn’t like or can’t finish, he just pushes over to Batman. And he eats it!!

Batman's answer is that he graduated, all the while dick acts like the babiest baby with his dad.

Nightwing would absolutely love the puzzled looks of the league the one time he calls the Bat dad by error. Are they gay? Batman is much older than him, isn't that weird? Who has this kind of daddy issues?

Clark would corner Bruce, as his best superhero friend, at some point and be like wtf is your deal with that boy and the bat would answer "oh he's my son", as if it's normal?????

…..

(Huge explosion)

Wonder Woman: is everyone alright?

Flash: I’m good

Batman: hnn

Superman: looks like everyone’s okay- wait where’s Nightwing (used x-ray vision) I can’t see him. Nightwing where are you!

Nightwing: over here (peeks out from under Batman’s lead lined cape and waves, looking far too comfortable for everyone else’s comfort)

…

Flash: -and that is why Kid Flash will be taking over the Flash mantle. Any questions?

Superman: does Kid have any allergies or medical conditions we should know about.

Batman: don’t worry it’s already in the file.

Flash: … how do you know Kid’s allergies?

Batman: hnn

Nightwing: that’s bat for “if KF hasn’t told you anything I won’t either.”

Flash: … how do you know that?

Nightwing: you mean you guys don’t know Batspeak?

Superman: (formerly the only JL member who could speak Batman) … how did he figure it out so fast, it took me six months to figure it out.

Batman: hnn

Nightwing: Batman says “you aren’t as good at it as you think”

Too proud.

Alfred is Bruce's actual biological father either because Thomas wasn't able to have kids or because they were secretly a trio.

Dick is actually a test tube baby either from Bruce or Thomas's DNA because the Court wanted to aquire the Wayne bloodline.

Jason is the result of a one night stand between Matches Malone and Sheila Haywood.

Tim was the result of a drunken threesome after a Gala.

Cass was the original attempt at creating Damien, another test tube baby situation, but was given away in a deal with Caine because she was a girl.

Barbara, Steph and Duke aren't related to Bruce in this because I can't come up with a good excuse for that.

Anyway, Bruce knows they're all his kids/related to him, and the whole Alfred situation, due to him keepinga dna database, but he's both never told them or anyone else.

Then the truth comes out somehow.

Wait wait wait but no you gave me an opening right there for an even funnier au when u mentioned the court using Thomas’s DNA

So Bruce is Alfred’s biological child. Maybe Thomas was a workaholic and never around, and so Martha got it on with the butler. Thomas was none the wiser, but Alfred and Martha knew.

The other kids are all somehow Bruce’s children for the reasons you listed.

Then there’s Dick. Sweet, adorable, looks-just-like-Thomas Dick.

He is the only ACTUAL Wayne left. And I want it to somehow be found out that Bruce Wayne isn’t a Wayne at all, and based on some weird clause left in Thomas’s will or the Wayne estate or however that shit works – Dick is now the sole owner of all Wayne Enterprises businesses, the Wayne accounts, Wayne Manor, EVERYTHING.

And literally all of Gotham (including the Wayne family!) becomes the surprised pikachu meme.

Maybe it’s something he says in passing, like how he never had a bedtime and he was allowed to stay out on patrol all night so long as he didn’t sleep during class the next day (when he was EIGHT).

Or how he was an elementary schooler fighting the Riddler then having spelling tests the next day.

Or how Bruce let him eat cereal for every meal because Dick said that’s what he wanted and who was Bruce to argue.

Or how Bruce brought him to midnight premieres of horror movies that scared the crap out of him but he pretended he was fine because he didn’t want Bruce to think he was a baby.

Or how Dick once accidentally got left at the iceberg lounge because Bruce actually got tipsy and left with a one night stand, and Oswald Cobblepot of all people was the one who gave Dick dinner and took him home at the end of the night. Why was a child in the iceberg lounge in the first place? Because Bruce takes his little buddy to every party he gets invited to, that’s why.

Like, he was a small child being raised by a man who treated him like a friend. They were partners, buddies, pals. Bruce was not his dad. He never acted very fatherly. Dick loves him and Bruce loves him back and they adore each other, but their relationship is weird as hell because Bruce didn’t know what the fuck he was doing.

Batkid: You didn’t ask.

This is a regularly repeating conversation that covers anything and everything. Lost an organ? Well, you didn’t ask. Secretly eloped? Never came up. Adopted a child? Well, I’m telling you now. Spent four months in an alternate dimension and came back ten minutes after you left? Huh, could have sworn I mentioned that, but to be fair it’s not like you asked.

And every. Single. Time. Batman is just like… No? It’s not? Why would I have thought to ask that?

Barbara tells Bruce it’s karma for never telling the Justice League anything. Bruce is not amused. Barbara proceeds to invite him to her wedding.

Bruce: I didn’t know you were dating anyone?

Barbara:

Barbara: Well, it’s not like you asked.

Bruce: I-

Duke: And why is there a file labeled “Duke’s great-great grandchildren?!?”

Bruce: It could happen.

Duke: I don’t even have kids!

Bruce: That I know about.

Duke: That I know about. Wait, no. I don’t have any kids!

Bruce: Hrn.

Tim: Chill, B. It’s been like ten minutes.

Bruce: You need to update your medical file.

Tim: It’s an ankle sprain, it’s not that big of a deal.

Bruce: It’s important to keep consistent and accurate-

Tim: I’ll get to it when I get to it.

Bruce: You said that last time and look how that turned out.

Tim: I got to it, didn’t I?

Bruce: Three years later.

Tim: It wasn’t that big of a deal.

Bruce: What!? What happened?

Jason: Oh, not much. Kori and I just got accidentally married again but she already left for another mission.

Bruce: Again?

Tim: Can’t you just wait until she’s back?

Jason: Well it’s not like it’s a legal marriage. Better to just get it done with now.

Tim: What do you means it’s not…

Bruce: Was it under an alias?

Jason: Nope.

Tim: So what’s the problem?

Jason: I’m already married?

Tim: You mean you already married someone else on accident?

Jason: Who said it was on accident?