mari 💖

I don’t know where I can talk about some stuff related to my ocd. I’d like to talk about aspects of it in specific places but I don’t want to subject anyone to dealing with my fears and having a space specifically for people like me to talk about these issues feels problematic in itself

I have a very great fear of being racist. I’ve read books breaking down this fear, dealing with the fact that I benefit from white privilege and that I probably have some learned racial biases/may do something that upholds it etc. basically taking responsibility and endeavouring to be a good person without making it about my defensiveness. Which is great! I’m happy I’m more aware now and have the tools and langauge to deal with this!

But in comes ocd and…I’m convinced I’m the worst person. I’m trying to make my music more varied but I get stressed because there are so many artists, I’ll have to spend a lot of time listening to music which makes me feel like I’m wasting time, I have specific favourite artists I just want to listen to, I’ll worry if it’s bad if I don’t like a whole album. Also with tv/movies I now feel guilty for enjoying shows that don’t have a lot of diversity in them. I’m actively trying to consume more shows with more diversity because it is jarring to realise huh, this western-made show is really lacking in representation, but I feel guilty now for liking my comfort shows which aren’t a diverse cast. The same goes for YouTube. And books. And everything else.

To be clear I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing to diversify what you consume and I don’t feel like I’m being told you must like this or your x. It’s purely my ocd that makes me feel like I have to, and because it’s not ‘organic’ I feel like I must be a terrible person because if I was a good person I wouldn’t have to go searching and because I don’t always enjoy searching for new things and just want familiar. It’s my issue and I don’t want to take up space and make said space unsafe to others.

And if it’s okay, since I’m here, my intrusive thoughts are scary. As well as intrusive thoughts about causing harm, I’ll hear or read phrases and words/behaviours (not just racist but other deeply problematic things which make me feel sick) that aren’t acceptable at all, remember then and out of nowhere they’ll appear in my head around certain people. And all I can do is thank whoever that I don’t say them out loud. And I’ll chastise myself and they’ll come back stronger! I feel so horrible about it I genuinely want to do something extreme to get it to stop. I’m in the midst of seeking help but I am so scared of admitting these things out loud because if I heard them from someone else my first instinct is to be appalled. What if they confirm I am in fact a horrible, dangerous person? I’m at the point I want to completely isolate myself from society and never consume anything ever again. But even that’s not possible because I still would find a way to worry about the ethics of that and other things I must consume (food, clothes, etc etc). I question every thought I have, every choice I make, every choice I don’t make, every choice others make, opinions of others, every action I take even if it’s something like sleep, I question my right to complain because of my privilege, I question my voice and body language, I question my childhood and can I call certain things trauma, and…I don’t know what term to use because I don’t want to be ableist either but the only way I can describe what I feel day-to-day is that I’m losing my mind. I understand that it’s unavoidable, that in some way I won’t be a good person, that I’ll mess up and all I can do is accept it and grow but I am also so so so terrified of hurting anyone (human, animal, environment) directly or indirectly. I’m terrified of conflict, let alone conflict I might cause. You know as a kid when you would be worried that you’d make your teddy bears feel like you have favourites? It’s that extreme sensitivity to even ‘low stakes’ stuff that I still have. So for ‘high stakes’? It’s a lot worse.

My ocd makes me feel selfish and dramatic and…I hate it. I can’t do anything. I’m that person they’d call ‘snowflake’ or ‘omg you guys can’t do anything!’ It’s embarrassing. I’m overwhelmed all the time and it doesn’t matter that I’m doing what I can to make good choices and be a good impact because it doesn’t feel like enough. Calling myself overwhelmed or bringing up my ocd feels like an excuse which I know is internalised ableism but it does feel that way. When there’s so much bad it just makes sense (to me) that my stuff doesn’t matter because there are people who would kill to have my problems instead of theirs. And this is an example because I wanted to talk about the first stuff but I’ve devolved into how horrible I feel! Isn’t that selfish and making it about me?

I don’t even know what I’m doing by sending this except venting because I’m reassurance seeking and that’s not healthy behaviour and I don’t want to receive reassurance because that’s bad.

Hey, tumblr? Look at this post. Read it until you comprehend it.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ENABLE MORAL OCD.

This is what happens when you say thoughts are the same as actions. This is what happens when you say thoughts determine your true moral character. This is the direct result of cancel culture, "Don't you dare look away!!!" politics, guilt trips about people who don't reblog every post about atrocities, guilt trips about how your music library isn't diverse enough, guilt trips about how you need to be hypervigilent because the slide backwards into full-blown bigotry is inevitable and absolute.

This is the natural conclusion of trying to mentally torture people for not being morally pure.

And I'm fucking sick of it. It's ABLEISM to torture people with mental illness. It's ABLEISM to make posts targeting some form of bigotry with way too much hostility. That actual bigot you're targeting will never care. That actual bigot you're targeting is just going to use it to fuel their persecution complex, or laugh at you because they think you sound crazy. The only people who will be hurt are the kindest and most sensitive souls on the planet who think the cereal you eat for breakfast in the morning is praxis that needs to be informed by your activism, the people who already torture THEMSELVES for their intrusive thoughts and having them get worse as a result, convinced that having distressing thoughts you can't control makes you a bad person, while the ACTUAL bigots commiting real hate crimes will never be affected by your guilt trips in the slightest.

YOU PEOPLE DOING THIS NEED TO TAKE A VERY SERIOUS STEP BACK AND ASK YOURSELVES WHO YOUR MESSAGE IS FOR, WHO IT WILL AFFECT, AND HOW IT WILL AFFECT THEM, BUT YOU DON'T, BECAUSE YOU'RE DISGUSTING ASSHOLES WHO WANT THE SOCIAL BROWNIE POINTS THAT COME FROM FIGHTING BIGOTS WITHOUT ACTUALLY DOING ANYTHING TANGIBLE TO HELP REAL PEOPLE AND EVEN HURTING PEOPLE WHO DID NOTHING WRONG.

I'm so sorry, anon. I know how you feel, and I hope more often from now on, you're able to take a step back yourself and realize you're already a better person than most people would ever care to be. Those guilt-tripping posts aren't for you. The wrong people in this world are unlearning shame.

I don’t know where I can talk about some stuff related to my ocd. I’d like to talk about aspects of it in specific places but I don’t want to subject anyone to dealing with my fears and having a space specifically for people like me to talk about these issues feels problematic in itself

I have a very great fear of being racist. I’ve read books breaking down this fear, dealing with the fact that I benefit from white privilege and that I probably have some learned racial biases/may do something that upholds it etc. basically taking responsibility and endeavouring to be a good person without making it about my defensiveness. Which is great! I’m happy I’m more aware now and have the tools and langauge to deal with this!

But in comes ocd and…I’m convinced I’m the worst person. I’m trying to make my music more varied but I get stressed because there are so many artists, I’ll have to spend a lot of time listening to music which makes me feel like I’m wasting time, I have specific favourite artists I just want to listen to, I’ll worry if it’s bad if I don’t like a whole album. Also with tv/movies I now feel guilty for enjoying shows that don’t have a lot of diversity in them. I’m actively trying to consume more shows with more diversity because it is jarring to realise huh, this western-made show is really lacking in representation, but I feel guilty now for liking my comfort shows which aren’t a diverse cast. The same goes for YouTube. And books. And everything else.

To be clear I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing to diversify what you consume and I don’t feel like I’m being told you must like this or your x. It’s purely my ocd that makes me feel like I have to, and because it’s not ‘organic’ I feel like I must be a terrible person because if I was a good person I wouldn’t have to go searching and because I don’t always enjoy searching for new things and just want familiar. It’s my issue and I don’t want to take up space and make said space unsafe to others.

And if it’s okay, since I’m here, my intrusive thoughts are scary. As well as intrusive thoughts about causing harm, I’ll hear or read phrases and words/behaviours (not just racist but other deeply problematic things which make me feel sick) that aren’t acceptable at all, remember then and out of nowhere they’ll appear in my head around certain people. And all I can do is thank whoever that I don’t say them out loud. And I’ll chastise myself and they’ll come back stronger! I feel so horrible about it I genuinely want to do something extreme to get it to stop. I’m in the midst of seeking help but I am so scared of admitting these things out loud because if I heard them from someone else my first instinct is to be appalled. What if they confirm I am in fact a horrible, dangerous person? I’m at the point I want to completely isolate myself from society and never consume anything ever again. But even that’s not possible because I still would find a way to worry about the ethics of that and other things I must consume (food, clothes, etc etc). I question every thought I have, every choice I make, every choice I don’t make, every choice others make, opinions of others, every action I take even if it’s something like sleep, I question my right to complain because of my privilege, I question my voice and body language, I question my childhood and can I call certain things trauma, and…I don’t know what term to use because I don’t want to be ableist either but the only way I can describe what I feel day-to-day is that I’m losing my mind. I understand that it’s unavoidable, that in some way I won’t be a good person, that I’ll mess up and all I can do is accept it and grow but I am also so so so terrified of hurting anyone (human, animal, environment) directly or indirectly. I’m terrified of conflict, let alone conflict I might cause. You know as a kid when you would be worried that you’d make your teddy bears feel like you have favourites? It’s that extreme sensitivity to even ‘low stakes’ stuff that I still have. So for ‘high stakes’? It’s a lot worse.

My ocd makes me feel selfish and dramatic and…I hate it. I can’t do anything. I’m that person they’d call ‘snowflake’ or ‘omg you guys can’t do anything!’ It’s embarrassing. I’m overwhelmed all the time and it doesn’t matter that I’m doing what I can to make good choices and be a good impact because it doesn’t feel like enough. Calling myself overwhelmed or bringing up my ocd feels like an excuse which I know is internalised ableism but it does feel that way. When there’s so much bad it just makes sense (to me) that my stuff doesn’t matter because there are people who would kill to have my problems instead of theirs. And this is an example because I wanted to talk about the first stuff but I’ve devolved into how horrible I feel! Isn’t that selfish and making it about me?

I don’t even know what I’m doing by sending this except venting because I’m reassurance seeking and that’s not healthy behaviour and I don’t want to receive reassurance because that’s bad.

Hey, tumblr? Look at this post. Read it until you comprehend it.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ENABLE MORAL OCD.

This is what happens when you say thoughts are the same as actions. This is what happens when you say thoughts determine your true moral character. This is the direct result of cancel culture, "Don't you dare look away!!!" politics, guilt trips about people who don't reblog every post about atrocities, guilt trips about how your music library isn't diverse enough, guilt trips about how you need to be hypervigilent because the slide backwards into full-blown bigotry is inevitable and absolute.

This is the natural conclusion of trying to mentally torture people for not being morally pure.

And I'm fucking sick of it. It's ABLEISM to torture people with mental illness. It's ABLEISM to make posts targeting some form of bigotry with way too much hostility. That actual bigot you're targeting will never care. That actual bigot you're targeting is just going to use it to fuel their persecution complex, or laugh at you because they think you sound crazy. The only people who will be hurt are the kindest and most sensitive souls on the planet who think the cereal you eat for breakfast in the morning is praxis that needs to be informed by your activism, the people who already torture THEMSELVES for their intrusive thoughts and having them get worse as a result, convinced that having distressing thoughts you can't control makes you a bad person, while the ACTUAL bigots commiting real hate crimes will never be affected by your guilt trips in the slightest.

YOU PEOPLE DOING THIS NEED TO TAKE A VERY SERIOUS STEP BACK AND ASK YOURSELVES WHO YOUR MESSAGE IS FOR, WHO IT WILL AFFECT, AND HOW IT WILL AFFECT THEM, BUT YOU DON'T, BECAUSE YOU'RE DISGUSTING ASSHOLES WHO WANT THE SOCIAL BROWNIE POINTS THAT COME FROM FIGHTING BIGOTS WITHOUT ACTUALLY DOING ANYTHING TANGIBLE TO HELP REAL PEOPLE AND EVEN HURTING PEOPLE WHO DID NOTHING WRONG.

I'm so sorry, anon. I know how you feel, and I hope more often from now on, you're able to take a step back yourself and realize you're already a better person than most people would ever care to be. Those guilt-tripping posts aren't for you. The wrong people in this world are unlearning shame.