Gold skies.

You sit there and you know, you know there are things you should be doing, you know you have work to do, friends to check up on, movies to watch, you know but you just sit there and you cry, because none of these things matter anymore, because no matter how hard you try you just can’t seem to make yourself care.

I don't even know why I try to do anything that could make me remotely happy. It is like life doesn't want me to be happy. Rotting with my thoughts is all that I can do and should do

it just gets worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse

Some things break you so fucking bad that you wish the rest of your life wishing you hadn’t survived it. Because death would be better than the pain you have to live with everyday

I don’t really deal with my mental illnesses. I somehow just get through the day. As soon as I don’t have to pretend to be a normal person around others, I fall apart. And then I try to force myself to go to sleep because being awake is so fucking unbearable. And I do this everyday. How do I stop wanting to kill myself when this is what my days are like.

My mental illness is turning me into someone I do not recognize. I used to try be a very kind and empathetic person but now my first reaction to any situation is not to be kind or empathetic. It is anger, being mean and a horrible person. There is so much anger and I don’t know where to put it, don’t know what to do with it, how to deal with it. I’m scared of the person I’m turning into because I do not like her way more than my older self who I already hated

I think I’m getting better and then everything gets bad again. 

i don’t think i was supposed to live in this world. maybe it was too early for me, maybe i was supposed to be born in a couple of decades. or maybe i shouldn’t have been born at all. but i’m here now, and i’m suffering, and i don’t want to be here. this world, this society, its a nightmare i cant navigate. i’m completely out of touch. i can barely breathe anymore. i don’t think i’m supposed to be here.

i am utterly disappointed in who i have become. i wanted to be someone better, someone important, someone beautiful. but instead i waste space, i waste time and i burden the people i love. this isnt the future i had in mind for myself and i know its too late. i’ll never get that future i dreamed of as a child.