when in doubt, look for the wind

Waking up and thinking about how no one talks about how hard it is to choose yourself in friendships. And how hard it is to heal. To raise your standards and refuse to be treated a certain way, to ask for space. To make the right move but still be the one losing. To grieve what you had, and chose to not have anymore for a while. You choose yourself, and you lose them. You ask for space, and you get it, but you're also left missing. You're left thinking how do I skip their birthday without wishing them, how do I survive that day, knowing that I'm not such a shit person, knowing that they did apologize. Also praying silently that they do reach out again, even if you're the one who asked for space. Killing yourself mentally to not make the first move, to not give in so easily, for then, what was the point of standing up for yourself. What makes you the bigger person? Standing up for yourself and asking for space, but also being the one who accepts and tries to move on from an apology ( a good one even) , the one who reaches out again, with acceptance, ready to trust again, or do I stay a brick wall, am I on a high horse, asking for a million sorrys again, before I cave in, because I should ( and I did) choose myself.