spectator of fandom

And like it’s Fine. Ilya feels sooo Fine about it. He likes Rose, she’s a good friend to Shane but Shane’s only been his for maybe six months now (since the offical I love yous at the cottage) and sometimes it hard to forget the horrible ache of the year before when Shane so hadn’t been his and he’d had to see that over and over. But it’s fine- it’s fine now because Shane is his and Shane texts him a photo of his outfit before he goes out because Ilya asks him to (and his smile is a little awkward in the hotel mirror but he looks so handsome, hasn’t cut his hair since the summer and he’s in a nice white t-shirt, blue jeans and a dark burgundy jacket.)

Ilya has to hide his smile in his hand even though there’s no one in his Boston home to see his stupid smile but himself. He likes Shane so much. He gets to tell him that, and he does, texts Shane back ‘I like you so much’ and stares at the photo a while longer. He misses Shane horribly, and he flicks on the their calendar app on their phone so he can check the matching days- and confirms what he already knew, two weeks until he got to see Shane again.

So Shane goes out and Ilya watches die hard and texts Shane about it, knowing he won’t reply till he’s home later because Shane has good phone manners. Ilya hates it a little, but he’s glad Shane is going out and having fun and he probably wouldn’t die from missing his boyfriend for a few hours. But then Shane is finally in an uber home and his text replies are kinda short, not his usual ramble messages that tick through one after each other when he’s had a few drinks. Usually he likes to share the goss from Roses interesting cast of friends with Ilya. Before Ilya can ask what’s up Shane texts him:

“Do you think it’s weird how much I like sucking your dick?”

And Ilya gives it maybe two seconds before he calls him and Shane picks up and Ilya is like “what happened?” Because ??? Who has been telling his Shane his affinity for Ilya’s dick is anything but a perfect blessing.

Shane explains as he lets himself into his apartment a bit shy and voice low and all um and uh and Ilya is like “Shane” and Shane sighs and is like “fine I don’t know rose was talking to Jess about this new guy she’s seeing and Jess was like I don’t know talking about how they had good chemistry I guess but then she was saying he like asks for head a lot and she was saying she kinda hates it and then a few of the others agreed like I don’t know they will do it but it’s like I don’t know a chore or like so that their partner will do it back”

and Ilya is like oh my god these evil actor influencer people are getting into my sweet perverted Shane’s mind wtf and he’s quick to be like Shane no. It’s perfect you’re so perfect I love how much you love it whatever those other people have going on is weird. And like Ilya knows Shane worries about being normal fitting in he finds himself othered a lot of the time so things like this get under his skin. Ilya is like baby I love your horny mind you’re my favourite pervert and Shane is all shut up Ilya but Ilya can hear the warmth in his voice and Ilya explains to him you understand I like it just as much as you yes? Need as much as you right? I fall asleep thinking about your ass and your mouth and how your face looks when you’re on your knees for me. And Shane is really like Ilya really shut uppp oh my god I get it. And Ilya is like no, I am so serious you need to understand how good and perfect your mind is and how good and normal and perfect it is how much you enjoy this, turn on video call. And Shane does because he is so good.

Idk I just love the concept of Shane being like ? Wait yall don’t low key ascend to a higher astral plane when you suck your mans dick? And Ilya finding out and being like who the fuck told you this I have to kill them you are my perfect freak baby boy, they are weird for not loving it.

But in the last one he not only catches his eye but he *smiles* and Ilya fucking *melts*.

holy shit lmao what are the chances

But I also stole mine from

a past president!

"Do not call me after 9" is not a boundary. I can't control someone else's actions

I'm thinking about the resentment he would have felt staring at them during the hookup years. How dare Hollander have this sort of power over him? Ilya should be out at a club somewhere, attracting the attention of some pretty girl or other, taking her home and giving her a story to tell all her friends. Instead he's staring at his phone screen, absolutely miserable over this boring, beautiful hockey player with a weak backhand. It's pathetic.

I'm thinking about the heartache he would have felt looking at them during the Rose Landry era. Hating himself for being so weak, hating that he can never leave well enough alone; that he had to try and push things further and ended up scaring Shane away. His finger hovers over the delete button for a second but it's an empty threat. These photos are all he has left of him now, the only thing he has to prove to himself that there was a time where they were something. He could never give them up.

I'm thinking about how lost Ilya felt, after dredging up things in therapy that had been buried so deep for years. Feeling unmoored and alone and so deeply unhappy. I'm thinking about him seeking the comfort of Shane's face and pulling up the familiar photographs. Missing him so much that the absence of him is a physical thing that sometimes threatens to pull him under.

# ILYA ROZANOV IS A COMEDIAN