still searching for that dream, still searching for that voice.
hello hello! you can call me ollie! i am 23, collectively use they/he, but any pronoun is fine, and the most active host of a traumagenic system.
i don't post often, but when i do, it's often about various fandoms, such as bang dream (specifically ave mujica bc they're my special interest), project sekai, milgram, limbus company, and madoka magica.
i am also a novelist! i have been writing for multiple years, and i also do a lot of literate roleplay on another blog!
i suffer from plenty of chronic pain and struggle with it a lot.
autism | adhd | polyfragmented system | kyphosis | fibromyalgia
please do not interact if you are anti-lgbtq+. we are here and queer.
my fiancé is @salsotto, who you might also see me refer to as my husband ♡
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Do you wish for me to be unhappy?
I may have been viewed as peculiar at times, but such things are of little concern.
Q.02 Have you ever broken the doctrines?
When I was young and immature, I did so over and over.
Each and every time, my own foolishness would be impressed upon my very being.
Q.03 Did you dislike being punished?
Of course I did, obviously.
I could try punishing you, please let me know how it feels.
Q.04 Why are medical procedures prohibited?
Illness and injury are thought to be trials given by God.
Those who overcome their trial can go on to level up as a person.
Or so I've heard.
Q.05 Do you wish you hadn't been born under faith?
Guard-san, that's not a very nice thing to say, is it?
You shouldn't think about that. It's a useless thought experiment.
Q.06 What is "faith" to you?
It's culture.
Simply the culture I happened to be born into.
I think it's probably the same for everyone.
Q.07 What happened to the cat you helped?
I don't remember.
I'm sure something happened that I don't want to remember.
In times like those, it's best to just close off your heart.
Q.08 Don't you have any reservations about killing people?
Actually, I do.
I don't want to kill anyone.
I prayed from the bottom of my heart, that I wouldn't be forced to kill.
Q.09 What is salvation to you?
Perhaps it's the feeling that my life wasn't a mistake.
I want that kind of solace.
Maybe it's already too late to come true.
Q.10 Why didn't you permit medical treatments for people outside your religion?
I couldn't bring myself to allow it no matter who it was for.
I didn't want my life turned into one big game of make believe.
Q.11 Has faith ever helped you in your life?
I'm not sure. It's something that's always been a part of my life.
My faith has brought me joy.
And not having enough faith has brought me sorrow.
Q.12 Do you have any fond memories with your parents?
Every single one of our conversations.
Because I love my parents.
And I wouldn't want there to be any kind of misunderstandings.
Q.13 How do I join your religion?
Feel free to join whenever you like.
I'll support you with everything I've got.
Q14. How do you feel about your haircut?
I'm very pleased with it.
I can feel the effort that went into it.
Q.15 What kind of religion do you want to create?
I wanted one that would affirm living in an honest, earnest and dedicated way.
Q.16 What kind of person is Fuuta?
I don't really know how to put it into words, but I'm definitely grateful for him.
There were things I only began to understand after becoming a leader.
I think I was able to do that because there was always at least one person believing in me.
Q.17 How do you feel about Shidou?
I can't stop thinking about it.
His words are stuck in my mind and won't go away.
He told me it's never too late to right my path.
I still can't believe that.
Q.18 What do you want to do if you leave Milgram?
I don't know.
There's nothing left for me outside Milgram.
What was my life even for?
Q.19 Do you regret it?
Is it really so easy for one to say they have regrets in light of all the sacrifices made?
I'm not so sure.
I'll think about it.
Q.20 Can you forgive me?
I forgive you.
And not just you.
I also want all of you to forgive yourselves too.
[She says people 'ステージを上げていく' which is like 'raise/increase their stage', I'm guessing this is some kind of in-group jargon
stage can sometimes mean like a video game level and in Non-demonium we see LEVEL UP after her father takes the donation, so I figured it's a fair TL]
例え誰であってもそれだけは
認めたくありませんでした。
私の人生をおままごとにしたくありませんでした。
[The word she uses here おままごと 'omamagoto'/playing house is the same one Kazui uses to describe his marriage to Hinako in cat and camouflage]
i was listening to this song while thinking about mizi and i thought that was funny because it is pretty much the opposite of her. then i thought. i could totally see zombie stage showrunners making her sing something like it. making a girl who suffers because of all the attention shes getting sing to her predatory audience about how much she wants it and how it (and by extension that audience) is her only source of validation. And then i blinked and this was on my screen
How is it that you can a music library of like 1,200+ absolute bangers but as soon as you put it on shuffle in a group setting it's like. anime opening you added in 2010. homestuck parody song. musical artist who was cancelled last year for kidnapping and eating children in his basement. Hamilton
I can't believe some people are actually reblogging this like "Tch. Omg, so embarrassing OP, I can't believe you would ever admit to liking Hamilton 😏 " like ok, first of all congratulations for hatching as a fully formed adult in 2022 from the pure white egg of a virgin swan i guess. Raised in a cave on a diet consisting solely of nuts and berries and leftist twitter clapbacks. "ooooooh, I've never had a complicated relationship with a piece of art that was phenomenally well-received at the time but aged like milk as later reflection revealed the fundamental flaws in its premise that were in fact present from its inception but which I didn't notice because I was 17 and hadn't heard of neoliberalism yet" Should we throw a party? Should we invite Anthony Fantano? Anyway second of all. you draw the line at Lin Manuel Miranda but you're fine with basement guy?
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Many people in the comments are saying “trauma”, but this is actually a very normal occurrence. It’s called Childhood Amnesia, and it’s a process which, as the brain reorganizes itself for cognitive thought that is developed in late childhood, it changes the Accessibility of those memories during recall. Many childhood memories are available to the person, but they will not be remembered during regular recall activity, you have to “trick” your brain into remembering with different tactics.
This is because there are two parts to memories - their encoding and their recall. The encoding determines their availability, their recall determines their accessibility. The reason why trauma memory and childhood amnesia are different is in this distinction. Trauma memory is often encoded differently, bypassing to the limbic system where it is stored as intrinsic memory. It can’t be recalled because it was never encoded. Childhood amnesia, however, seems to indicate that the memories are encoded, but we lose access to them as we age. This is most likely due to the development of brain structures that fundamentally change our encoding and recall of memory as we get older.
This is an important distinction, because trauma memory is “stored in the body”, i.e. you get triggers that send your body into a cascade of uncontrollable feelings, sensations and reactions. Whereas childhood memories won’t generally do that, they are just recalled at odd times with odd associations.
reblogging this because I’ve legit seen people freaking out when they realised they can’t remember some of their childhood, thinking they might have some repressed trauma.
This is legit where satanic panic began: Hack psychologists who didn’t understand how memory works put people who “shockingly couldn’t remember their entire childhood in vivid detail” in suggestive states before feeding them lines about how satanists abused and tortured and manipulated them.
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In hindsight being a “gifted kid” is so funny. You have substantial difficulties with socializing and fine motor skills, but we’re going to ignore that because you’re really good at reading chapter books
having to sit on the couch that hurts me more in order to use the item that will help my back temporarily feel better enough to sleep (heat wrap) may seem counterintuitive but i also napped earlier so i cant sleep anyways
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Mafia boss smoking a cigar: Why’d you gotta squeal, Squealin’ Stephen? I trusted you. Now I gotta send my best goons to show you what happens when you cross the Big Boss…
Guy tied up in chair: uh…theres just one guy over there.
Mafia boss: Yeah. That’s Lil’ Tony. He’s got one of dem conditions where he’s got multiple mooks n’ his head. But when Big Tony fronts you’re gonna be in big trouble.
Lil’ Tony: We actually all agree we’re gonna kick your ass.
