Sister Sin

Hello, Little Moths 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

Welcome to Love Letters & Red Flags ⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

This blog is part diary, part advice column and part love letter to a messy girlhood.

I’m not an expert, just a girl in her twenties sharing what I’ve learned over the years. There will be personal stories, bad decisions, hard truths, beauty, relationships, mental health, work, study and whatever else spills out after midnight.

Anonymous asks are always welcome.

Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.

𝒜 𝐵𝒾𝓉 𝒜𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝑀𝑒

♡ My likes: Owls, folklore horror, cryptids, snakes, art, Coraline, chai lattes, cats, Markiplier, food, bugs and naps.

♡ My hobbies: Painting, playing video games, D&D, baking, cooking, reading and going to concerts.

♡ My music: Violent Vira, Amira Elfeky, Usedcvnt, Basement, Linkin Park, System of a Down, Deftones, Zeruel, Pixel Hood, Flyleaf, Cloudyfield, Softcult and Julia Wolf.

♡ My DNI: Lgbtqia+phobes, racists, pro trump, pro ICE, misogynists, zionists, pro-AI, pro-life, people seeking nvdes or just super rude people in general… This is not a safe place for you (ᓀ‸ᓂ)

Confession time: I used to be a pick me girl...

For the longest time, I took pride in being “not like other girls.” I thought I was easier to get along with, I was less dramatic, needy and less obsessed with all the "girly" things or whatever else I had decided made other girls shallow or "cringe".

I used to laugh at extremely disgusting sexist jokes, I judged girls for wanting attention, despite wanting it just as badly, and I treated femininity like it was something to be embarrassed about, and thought that male approval was proof that I was doing womanhood "correctly".

At the time, I thought I was escaping misogyny, but the reality is that I had just learned how to repeat it and I was continuing the cycle. I don’t think girls are born hating other girls, I believe we’re taught very early that femininity is something to be ashamed of and that other girls are a threat to ourselves.

Girly interests are called stupid, girls who express their feelings are dramatic, girls who enjoy sex are sluts, and girls who don’t are prudes. There is no correct way to be a girl, because the rules were never designed for us to win but to keep us down while us women attack each other over such nothing things.

So I tried to become the exception.

I thought that if I rejected anything too feminine, stayed agreeable, laughed at the vile jokes, never made "the boys" uncomfortable and readily gave up my body, I might be respected differently.

But male approval is not the same thing as respect.

Approval like that is conditional. It only lasts while you stay easy, entertaining and willing to separate yourself from other women. The moment you speak too loudly, set a boundary, disagree, gain confidence or stop performing for them, you become “just like other girls.”

The hardest part of growing out of a mindset like that was admitting that it didn’t only live inside my head. The way I spoke, judged and distanced myself from other girls, not only hurting them but also myself, even when I told myself and them that I was only joking or "being honest".

I regret that so deeply now.

I regret all the friendships I may have discouraged before they even had a chance to become something beautiful. I regret viewing girls as competition when some of them might have become the sisters I need now. I regret spending so much time trying to prove that I was different from other women instead of learning how deeply I belonged with them.

Now, at the ripe age of 25, I don’t really have a close group of female friends that I can call my sisterhood. And although that isn’t just because of who I was when I was younger, I sometimes wonder what I could have built if I had learned sooner that other girls were never my enemy. There is a particular loneliness in becoming a woman who finally understands the value of sisterhood, only to realise she hasn’t found hers yet.

But I don’t think that means it’s too late.

I can’t undo every judgement I made or recover every potential friendship I might have missed, but I can choose what kind of woman I am now. I can compliment women without comparing myself to them, celebrate them without feeling diminished, listen without searching for reasons to judge, and become the kind of friend I wish I had learned to be sooner.

There was never anything shameful about being like other girls, the other girls are never the enemy, and maybe sisterhood isn’t something I have permanently lost, but instead it’s something I’m finally ready to build.

with Love and Caution, Sister Sin xoxo

Recently I have been getting into some old hobbies of mine and my god am I bad at them! I burnt some delicious brownies to a crisp, I volunteered at my local museum in the herpetology (reptiles and amphibians) department and made a BIG mistake, I've written D&D notes that I barely understand and my cute home made pies were an absolute disaster! But none of those failures mean that I shouldn't of tried.

I feel as if the rise of perfectionism has grown so rapidly that it makes us forget that it's ok to be bad at things in the beginning. On social media I've seen so many creative people show off where they've ended rather than where they've started and I feel like it has created this weird sense of "I was always this good" when that simply isn't the case.

No one is born and can make the most elaborate 4 tier cake with swirls and flowers. No one is born and can suddenly make the most sparkly ball room gown the world has ever seen. No one is born and is now the worlds greatest sculptor.

It's all practise, patience, probably a lot of tears and trial and error. Somewhere along the way, hobbies stopped being things we did because they made us happy and excited, and started becoming things we felt pressured to perfect, post, sell or somehow prove ourselves through.

We’re encouraged to turn every interest into a money making business, every creative spark into viral content, and every little thing we enjoy into another measure of whether we’re good enough to everyone else.

But not everything we love has to be something impressive.

Sometimes a hobby can just be burnt brownies, unreadable notes, wonky pies and stories you can laugh about later with your friends. Sometimes the whole point is that you made something with your own hands, learnt something new, or gave your brain something to focus on.

Being bad at something does not mean you’re wasting your time. It means you’re in the part nobody talks about, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for it.

And I truly believe there is a type of beauty about letting yourself be a beginner. About making all the ugly things, asking silly questions, messing up and trying again without needing to turn it into proof that you’re good enough.

So paint that weird picture, bake the ugly or burnt cake, write some confusing notes, or join the class even if everyone else seems better than you.

You are allowed to enjoy something before you’re good at it, and I'd go as far to say that you're allowed to enjoy it even if you never become good at it, like me and drawing!

Some things are allowed to exist simply because they make being alive feel a little gentler.

with Love and Caution, Sister Sin xoxo

i saw your small rituals post. i've been feeling so blegh lately, and reading that inspired me to also make little changes and actions to feel better (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)

i also read your other posts. you write so profoundly. your mind seems like such a beautiful space. obviously not perfect, because everyone has struggles. but i would feel so safe there. please continue sharing your thoughts because they really are beautiful ♡♡

Omg stop this makes me wanna cry (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)♡ Thank you so much!!

I’m glad it helped you feel even the slightest bit better, it can be really hard to even start but the fact that you are gaining motivation is such a huge accomplishment in itself and I’m so proud of you!!

You should totally post more often (not in a forceful way), I know your main focus most likely isn’t to get famous or anything and is more to just have a safe space for people. But I see the potential you have to make your personal stories and blog more seen, heard, and understood.

Again, I don’t mean this at all in any forcing way to make you post more often, it’s your blog, not mine for me to tell you what to do. But please, take this as a compliment to your blog.

Sincerely,

anonymous

Hi Little Moth 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

Thank you so much! This is honestly so sweet haha

Trigger Warning: Grooming, Age-gap Relationships, Coercion, Sexual Pressure, Emotional abuse, Victim-Blaming, and References to Minors Being Targeted by Adults.

Please read with caution and stop if it becomes too triggering. Always put your wellbeing first.

Wolves rarely introduce themselves whilst flashing their teeth. Often times they arrive with pretty compliments, kind patience, and an attention that makes you feel older, wiser, and unique from everyone else.

Being chosen can make you feel like you're truly being seen. What I didn’t understand back then, was that a safe adult would notice my age and respect the boundary of our age difference, not use flattery to make me forget it was there.

When I was 13, I would often go online anc chat with older men. I was always told "Wow, you're so mature compared to your peers" or "You're so beautiful for someone your age.", I felt really special and it felt so good to be seen. But then after awhile, the texts became more and more sexual, things that started off as jokes "Man if I was your age, I would have a big crush on you!" And after I stopped getting weirded out by those "jokes", the compliments started to become more body orientated "You know, you're really developed for your age..." or sometimes worse, but often times those compliments were also paired with a question no adult should be asking a child, "Are you a virgin?".

After time went on the favours started to begin. I was asked for nudes and I would oblige because this man was so kind to me, he would listen to all my problems without judgement, he would make me laugh and encourage me to do well in school. But then if I stopped, he wouldn't yell or get angry, he just wouldn't respond. I had built up such an emotional reliability on him that when he left it hurt worse than propping my phone up.

Later on when I was 15 I "dated" someone who was 24 and said all the same things to me, only instead of just images and videos, it was all in person.

Now that I’m older and have started speaking out about my own experience with grooming, I’ve realised how common this situation is for young women all around. I’ve also noticed a trend on Tumblr of young girls romanticising the idea of being with an older man, and as someone who was groomed, that genuinely worries me, not because those girls are doing anything wrong or bad, but because there are adults online who will deliberately use that vulnerability and curiosity to target them.

Looking back, there were things my abuser said that made the situation feel special, private and grown-up all at the time. I didn’t recognise them as warnings. These are some of the phrases I wish I had recognised sooner:

“You’re so mature for your age.”

You are not mature enough for them, you are acting your age! And if they consider a child/teenager mature, then they are so extremely immature. This is used to make you feel equal to adults, whilst quietly dismissing the age gap to you but still holding all the power within the situation.

“Peers my age are too complicated.”

This is a major warning sign. People their age are not too complicated, they just more likely to recognise their creepy and weird behaviour and they will challenge the predator or hold them accountable whilst also holding firm boundaries. Predators will always target people who are still figuring out their boundaries.

Secrecy disguised as privacy.

“People wouldn’t understand us,” “don’t tell your parents,” or “they’ll try to keep us apart” isolates the younger person from anyone who might intervene, this is so extremely dangerous. I was often told that if I told anyone then we would both be in trouble because I was chatting to them and sending them photos they had requested, but you know, I sent them so therefore I'm the bad guy. That simply is not true, you are a child, they are an adult, they know exactly what they are doing and they are only trying to protective themselves, they do not care about you.

Making you feel responsible for their emotions.

When I tried to leave my "relationship" with Mr. 24yr Old, I was immediately told "If you leave me I'm going to kill myself!" I was only 15 and I was trying to manage a grown mans emotions. If they are threatening to fall apart, become angry or harm themself when you are trying to leave, that is manipulation and abuse. It creates a fear that if you leave them and if they "do it", then its all your fault. It's not, they are empty threats to maintain control over you to keep them satisfied.

Rushing intimacy.

Instant soulmate language, sexually charged conversations, cute gifts, constant messaging, talks about the future, acting as though no one has ever understood them the way you do and pushing boundaries can make the situation feel intense and firey. The speed is part of what makes it difficult to take a step back, when everything feels intense and urgent, there is less room to question whether it is actually safe.

But Little Moth, please remember this: you are not the first or only girl they are speaking to.

Predators who target young girls often reuse the same compliments, promises and carefully rehearsed stories with more than one person. “You’re different.” “No one understands me like you do.” “I’ve never felt this way before.” These words may feel deeply personal, but they are often part of a very dangerous pattern.

That does not make you foolish, replaceable or any less special. It means an adult knew which words would make a young person feel chosen, and chose to use them.

If any of this feels or sounds familiar, please tell someone safe. Save the messages if you can do so safely, block the person, tighten your privacy settings, and reach out to a trusted adult, counsellor or support service. You do not have to confront them or gather enough evidence to “prove” that your discomfort is justified.

A safe adult will never ask a child to carry adult secrets, protect them from consequences, or prove their maturity by crossing boundaries.

The wolf may have called you wise, mature or different, but you are never responsible for recognising every tooth beneath the smile.

What happened is not your fault. What you do next does not have to be faced alone.

My messages are always open if you need support.

with Love and Caution, Sister Sin xoxo

I've noticed that the last 2-3 days I've been been feeling really depressed, not necessarily just sad, but as if though I'm being weighed down by something. Thankfully, I caught myself falling back into that well known cycle, the same cycle where I am constantly critising myself, sleeping too much, not eating enough and playing hours upon hours worth of video games as a form of escapism (I think I played abiotic factor for like 10 hours yesterday...)

But I also realised that I'm sure many of you also relate to that. Noticing that you are falling into a mental spiral but not knowing how to get out. To be completely honest with you, I've only started to recognise the early warning signs at the beginning of this year despite mental illness and I being very old friends. Sometimes getting out of that spiral and out of that type of headspace is as draining as the downward spiral itself, so I decided to share a few things that I use to gently bring myself back from it.

·༻Extremely Low Effort Tasks༺·

♡ Drinking Water: I find that when I'm in a bad mental space, I often forget to brush my teeth, so my mouth feels almost jammy and overall just kinda gross, but when I drink just a few sips of water, I feel refreshed and my mouth doesn't feel yuck. It also just helps me avoid headaches, which I dont know about you guys, but when I cry a lot and hard, I get really bad headaches...

♡ Changing Your Surroundings: Just opening my blinds, windows or turning on a lamp is so helpful for me. I often just sit in a really dark room and just lay in bed for hours, if not days. But when I open up my window it's not so much effort that I burn myself out, but just enough to make myself move and breathe fresh air.

♡ Body Care: I hate having showers, brushing my teeth or brushing my hair when I'm at my worse. Which is kinda funny, cause I know that logically it will make me feel better, but I just cannot stand it. But sometimes, the smell gets too much for me. I've found that using baby wipes to just wipe myself down, rolling on deodorant or just changing my underwear can help me feel a bit more refreshed, without the risk of falling deeper into my mental health crisis.

⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ Low Effort Tasks ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔

♡ Making Easy Food: I'm talking 2 minute noodles, toast or cereal. I often don't eat when I am feeling my absolute worse, but finding a really easy snack is super helpful for me. Sometimes I get uber eats, but as someone who is unemployed, that often stresses me out more cause I'm wasting money I don't have... I usually bulk buy easy foods (noodles, easy mac, cereal or soup packets) to prepare for potential future episodes, and honestly that has saved me a lot, it's also a lot cheaper than uber eats!

♡ Watching Something: As odd as it may sound I really lose all ability to focus, that includes watching things like youtube or a movie. But sometimes I get bored, and that boredom can be more devasting than any other feelings (my fellow adhd girlies understand). I often choose things that I've already watched as I don't have the energy for consuming something new, my go to's are Coraline or Unus Anus compilations.

♡ Freshening Up: I think taking care of your physical self is really important when feeling your worst, but I never have the energy to have a full shower. Usually if I have a bit more energy I'll wash my face with water, change my shirt or brush my teeth for any amount of time, some days I literally just do one tooth and then I'm done.

ੈ✩‧₊˚༺ Medium Effort Tasks༻ੈ✩‧₊˚

♡ Journaling: When I feel like I have some more energy, I pull out my journal and just get everything out of my head and on to the page. It's kinda funny now though because I used to laugh at the thought of journaling and always thought "Yeah that doesn't work" but it's really started to work with me! I think it just helps stop the repetition of negative thoughts going through my head as I hate writing the same thing over and over again. Don't get me wrong, I often feel exhausted afterwards, but I don't feel so stuck up there either.

♡ Shower: Usually when I start feeling a bit more motivation, I have my shower, and what I mean by that is that I just stand/sit in the water and thats about it. Some days I am able to wash my hair and body, but other days getting to the shower, turning on the water and actually getting in is the biggest task, I never push myself to do more than I am able to cause I know it will make me feel a million times worse.

♡ Talk to Someone: When I am at my worse, I isolate myself from everyone, and because of that I feel extremely alone which makes me worse. Sometimes when I'm feeling up to it, I'll talk to someone, I don't talk about my mental state or how I haven't showered in a week, but I just ask about their day, talk about a game we both like or anything other than whats currently happening in my head. It helps remind me that I'm not actually alone.

It's taken me years to figure all this stuff out, and as I mentioned before I only really started to learn my own warning signs this year, and I'm nearly 25! But I'm glad I've learnt them instead of completely ignoring them.

Of course this list isn't a "cure" for mental illness, but it's just a gentle start of reconencting with my body and my space and allows me to get out of it step by step.

What are somethings that you do to help you out of a mental spiral?

When I was younger I always thought that the older I'd get, the more I'd have a better understanding as to what I want do with my life.

Well, unfortunately it didn't really pan out that way...

Although I now have a vague idea as to what I want in my life as a whole, I'm still surrounded by anxiety if I'm doing the right thing or if I've left it too long. I've done so many courses thinking to myself "This is what I want to do!" only to do it for a month and then be like "Hmm... I actualy don't want to do this..." and to be completely honest, I'm afraid I'm going to do that again with the course I've applied for.

But, at the same time, the amount of anxiety I have has lessened? It's an odd feeling being able to look back to when I was 18 and having panic attacks about not being caught up with my peers, to now being nearly 25 and viewing it from a whole new perspective, instead of it being "Omfg I am a failure and I will end up homeless and just die" it's now "I know you feel left behind, but you've had a lot of set backs, and reality is you have your ENTIRE life still ahead of you." and to be honest, learning that type of compassion for myself has been an absolute game changer ૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ♡

I don't feel like a complete and total failure, but I've also learnt to accept my set backs, such as my ADHD, OCD and my learning disability. and because I've learnt to accept them now I am able to ask for help when before I was so ashamed of who I was, but now I'm not and it's actually helped me and my shame of not knowing what to do.

Although my life goals and pathway are not clear and I still don't know what I'm doing, I'm still proud of myself for learning to accept who I am and still going after something that I want, despite knowing that I've failed a lot in the past ❤︎⁠

Don't let the fear of failure stop you, little moth 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

💋

Hiya~!!

Well I’m not gonna lie, but I already know as I’m planning to move there at some point, but it’d be New Zealand ₍₍⚞(˶˃ ꒳ ˂˶)⚟⁾⁾

I don’t even recall the first time I started to become ashamed of my own body. I just remember being young and believing that every hair, scar, stretch mark and uneven curve was something I was meant to get rid of immediately before anyone else noticed them. It was always "Shave this. Cover that. Sit differently. Don’t let anyone see the scars or your stomach folds."

But as I've gotten older, I've decided that I will no longer wager a war on my body, it's the very thing that keeps me alive! Of course I still have days where I feel as if though my body isn't good enough or pretty enough, but I'm still able to look at her in the mirror at the end of the day and say "Thank you for keeping me alive."

Although it took some time to learn, these are some things I've learnt to let be without shame:

❀ Body Hair - Girls are often taught that growing hair naturally is somehow unhygienic, unfeminine or disgusting, as if though womanhood is supposed to be smooth and hairless. Don't get me wrong, I still shave when I feel like it, but I’ve stopped treating it like something I had to do in order to be perceived as beautiful or desirable. The hair on my legs, stomach, arms or anywhere else doesn't mean I’ve “let myself go.” or become "less feminine" It just means I’m a grown ass woman with body hair.

❀ Body Rolls - My stomach rolls folds when I sit, bends when I move and changes throughout my cycle. That isn’t me being "a whale" as some dickheads describe it, it’s my body moving like as normal body should. Lower belly softness is normal. Bloating is normal. Having fat around your stomach is normal. We aren't supposed to look posed, tightened and perfectly flat from every angle all the time, we are women, our weight also often flucuates with our cycle. Why hate on something that can literally create life? I spent wayyyy too long believing I needed to suck in my stomach before I was allowed to sit comfortably. Now I’m learning to let myself actually breathe and be around others in comfort.

❀ Cellulite -

Cellulite is just skin texture, but we as girls and women are taught that it's proof that we have failed our own bodies. I used to think it meant that I was super unhealthy, extremely unattractive, or somehow failing at having a “healthy” body. But in reality, bodies are not meant to look airbrushed, we have texture and our skin stretches and moves, the fat sits differently underneath the skin, the light catches every dip and dimple, and none of that makes a body any less beautiful.

The cruelest part of it all is that cellulite is incredibly normal, yet girls and women are still sold creams, treatments, workouts and “fixes” for something that was never even a flaw to begin with.

My thighs are allowed to dimple when I stand. My skin is allowed to have texture in the spotlight. I am allowed to wear shorts, mini skirts and a bikini without apologising to everyone around me for the way I look.

Despite all this, I’m not going to sit here and write whilst I pretend I wake up every day loving every part of myself, cause that isn't true. Some insecurities take longer to unlearn than others, and it is a difficult task to do, but I have learnt to stop confusing being normal and human with being unhealthy or defective.

Shame and disgust in our own bodies is extremely profitable, and the insecurities that society feeds us is what keeps that entire industry alive.

Body hair, body rolls and cellulite are not shameful mistakes we have failed to hide. They are normal parts of living, breathing and functioning body, and remember little moth, normal does not mean ugly.

with Love and Caution, Sister Sin xoxo

I know your blog is a safe place, but I don’t wanna push boundaries by just assuming.

Is it okay if I open up about my personal story of how I got groomed by an older man because I had to fill that missing piece of being emotionally neglected my whole life by my parents?

I’ve never spoken out about this, not even on my personal blog account, but I want to look for some reassurance, I’ll accept any opinion.

Hi little moth 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

"I lay in the grass and bugs land on me, do they think I'm sweet like the flowers, or rotten like a corpse?" - author unknown

What’s your favorite song at the moment?

Hi hi~!

Nobody wakes up one morning and thinks "Hm, I think I'll just ignore every red flag this person is showing me", it creeps up on you. The bright red flags disgusise themselves to look like something prettier.

When jealousy looks like passion, the possessiveness looks like protection, the constant and overbearing messages look like undivided attention and curiousity, when the guilt looks like vulnerability, and being so desperately needed feels like love and desire.

And when you are so desperate for something to work out, you'll go to extreme lengths to paint all those red flags into green flags.

"You're the only person I need"

What a beautiful thing to hear? This person is so in love with me that they don't need anyone else, they don't need their other friends, they don't need their family, they don't need a therapist. They won't look at other people because they only need me! Except their emotional codependency starts to wear you down. I couldn't go out with friends, I couldn't message my friends or social groups without being questioned if I still loved them, or if I did, some sort of emotional emergency would suddenly come up. I wasn't allowed to look for work because they wanted to provide for me, "You're the only person I need, why don't you feel the same way about me?" I had to constantly reassure them that I was still in love with them, until eventually they were the only person I had. Not needed, but HAD! I cut off all my friends and family, I wasn't working, volunteering or studying. I tried to break up with that person and it was met with 'If you break up with me, I'll kill myself. You're the only person I need.". Real love does not turn you into a life line.

"You're nothing like those other girls"

Who doesn't want to be recognised for being unique? Our uniqueness is what makes us who we are as individuals. However, being told this made me wittle down my own boundaries in fear of being like "those other girls", the girls who were able to say "No, I'm not ok with this" and the girls who knew what their boundaries were and did not let anyone cross them. I've realised now that its a way for toxic partners to create a competition amongst girls/women whilst stripping down our boundaries because of that fear. My ex would go out at 2am to spend time with his friends and his ex, but I was told "I love how chill you are, you're not like other girls." when I felt how any normal person would feel, I was jealous, but how could I speak up when I felt as if though I was unique? I wasn't like his "psycho ex" who got upset everytime he did something similar. But I wasn't unique at all, I was just afraid to be alone and wanted to be loved so desperately that I allowed them to walk all over me and my boundaries, even if it hurt me, physically or mentally.

"If you really loved me, you would do it."

But I did really love them, at some points I thought they were the love of my life. But when my no's were met with "If you really loved me, you would do it" I felt like I had to prove myself. Of course I loved them, but maybe I didn't love them as much as they loved me if I'm saying no, and they are so desperate to connect with me? Looking back on it now, of course they never loved me, they used my own love as a weapon against me and my bodily autonomy. If they had've loved me, they would've respected my NO. Love does not override consent, and it never will.

The hardest red flags to recognise are the ones wrapped in affection.

“You’re the only person I need.” “You’re nothing like those other girls.” “If you really loved me, you would do it.”

None of these sayings automatically make someone abusive, but they can become warning signs when they’re used to excuse someone controlling and isolating you or when its used to normalise and excuse misogyny or emotional dependency.

Pay attention to how someone’s love makes you feel. Loved should not mean you feel like you're being watched. Chosen should not mean separated from everyone else. Desired should not require you giving up your boundaries.

And little moth, never let a pretty sentence talk you out of trusting your own gut feelings.

If you have any questions or stories, feel free to leave me an anon <3

with Love and Caution, Sister Sin xoxo