Untitled

either way the truth comes out eventually 

it becomes so evident in your face and your body language that you’re always just trying to do the right thing and that’s all you ever care about, and it’s been that way since the first time i ever saw you. you’re just the best person i’ve ever met, in my life.

I love you so much. And it scares me. I learned to be on my own, to rely on myself to be happy and strong.

And then you came along and stole my heart and now you can make me cry so easily it hurts.

Ive cried of happiness. Because you're everything I was looking for. Because of how much you love me. Because of how you care.

But tonight ive cried of... Sadness? Worry about us?

I've always has doubts. Not that you love me. Certainly not that i love you. No. My doubts are about whether you'll fall out of love with me. That you suddenly realize "oh. She's not what I want".

You were always the one who believed in us. Who said " I will marry you. And that's a promise". Who told me " Baby I've never been happier".

But today you were the one who was afraid. Of us. Of your history. Of being hurt again. Of being truly happy. And my world came crashing down. Because if you're afraid... Then what do I do?

I think i know why you're afraid. I keep pushing the moment we see eachoter face to face. But you have to understand how terrified i am. If i see you. If i get to touch you and feel you. Fuck, if I get to kiss you? Then im giving you all the power to destroy me.

And im afraid that will kill me. Because i never gave that power to anyone. Because the people who had half of that power made a mess of me. Because of them i built the walls all around me and my heart.

Everyone knows them. At least those who kept around long enough to break that first wall. They know i won't let them pass the others. Not easily at least. And certainly not quickly.

And then you came along. And without me knowing you were inside the walls like you had the key. And it was too late for me to notice and kick you out. But surprisingly? I let you stay. Because even tho i didn't know you, you felt like you belonged.

But im still scared. Because now you're inside and you have easy acess to break anything you want. So i still keep a distance. Just in case...

And i want to come closer so badly. I want to let you in and actually stay. I really do. But damm its hard to let go of the things that hurt me. And i know its hard for you too.

You're afraid to be happy. Almost as much as im afraid you'll hurt me. And the sad part is.. My first though is to leave. Because that way we're both free of our doubts. Because you might find someone better. Someone you don't have to wait for. Someone who's not still healing.

But i cant. Not this time. I don't want to run away. I don't want to give up what we have. I just can't.

And then the doubts come back. "what if you're hurting him? What if he's not happy with you? Are you selfish for wanting to keep him? Would giving him up be better for him? But he says he's happy. So aren't you finding excuses to run away to protect your heart and hide behind his wall?

And then i cry. Because I'm in way over my head. The thoughs won't quiet down. And they're so freaking loud!

But one thing remains.

No matter what I love him... And i think he truly loves me...

YOU  don't have to change anything about you okay?  If i do want you to cool down or something i will tell you. I promise you.

And i didnt tell you before what's going though my mind because it's stupid. And i don't want to overwhelm you with my issues. I know you want to know and help but i dont want it to be too much. I don't want you to have to be the one to fix them.

Because you already help so much more than you know. You are the reason i haven't had an anxiety attack in weeks. You are the reason i told my mom about us. And it was killing me that i was lying to her. You help me so much without even realizing it baby.

So i don't say all the messed up thoughts that go through my mind because I know they're temporary and will go away eventually.

But i can promise you, no matter what happens i will be there by your side. And i know you'll be there for me. Though thick and thing.

I can't stop your worries and concerns. But i can try and quiet them a bit.

Just keep this in mind.

I love you.

You're strong.

And history is not gonna repeat itself. I'll do everything i can to stop it.

Not because of anything you did. Or said or how you acted. No. You did nothing wrong.

You have your life. It's normal. And i have my life. It's what i want. To be a us but made my individuals.

Then why am i scared? I guess in a way my old fear is manifesting today. I've always been afraid that you'd be so important to me that the day you can't be there will be the day I break.

But i shouldn't even be thinking about it tho. You're not gone. You're still here. You'd show up if i called. I know you would. Then why am i so worried?

Why do i want to hide and stay away? To prove myself that i can function alone? I know i can. I did it all my life ffs!

Why do i believe i need to be alone when i found someone who doesn't want me to face shit alone!? Why?

And then the fear comes.. Why? You ask? Because if you keep relying on him then what happens when he leaves you? Or when hes not around or doesn't care? Uh? What then?

Then i break... But i know i will get back up. I just know it.

But at the end of the day?

I know its one of those down days and it's gonna be okay and just need to let it go through me and it'll pass but dammit.. I wanna hug you and actually touch you and idk what to do..

Its not your fault at all. If anything is mine cuz i knew how hard it is and i still decided i needed to know you better. I needed to be part of your life and now im suffering the consequences.

It bothers me that you are not interested in me at all.  You have shown no interest in my past whatsoever, no questions about anything except for one or two scars of mine.  You don’t want to know about why I’m afraid of spiders, or open doors, the closet or the space under the bed.  You don’t want to know about my father and why I will never forgive him, you want me to forgive my brother for things he hasn’t apologized for and takes no responsibility for and I don’t think I have to.

And then when we fight you make it clear to me that I’m not nearly as important to you as you claimed I was.  Things said in anger should sting at most but not shatter our trust in one another.  And you have lost my trust, and I’m afraid now that it will be myself doing all the work to change how I am to accommodate you and your love.  I am afraid to do anything different because I’m so attached.

Maybe that’s where I need to make the change–I need to step back from you and regain my independence again.  I need to gather up my strength and return to being who I was before you so that maybe I can come back to you in full in a safer state of mind.  Or maybe I need to recognize that maybe you’re just like who I think you are…

You were so wonderful and understanding in the beginning and yet, here I am, looking at you and seeing him.  Hearing his words in your voice.  I deserve better than that.  But I also know that comparing the two of you is unhealthy for me, and unfair to you.  You deserve more than that from me.  But I’ve been hurt, and I need understanding and patience from you.

I’m sorry that I’m not happy all the time, that I like to sit in my sadness and just soak it up.  But no one ever said you had to fix me, I’m quite all right being sad and quiet and tired for a while.

I promise, though, that I am going to work on myself and be a better person for you, whether you change or not.

No, that isn’t true, I see it now.  You gave me such pretty words, you had the knowledge of what it took to have a decent relationship.  But when push came to shove, when it came down to test time and putting your knowledge to good use, to WORK… You just weren’t strong enough, man enough, to do it.

And the lies–THE LIES!  I cannot in good faith believe that you didn’t know you had what you had, and what you tried to give me.  What you blamed me for.  I know you knew that you were sick and hiding it from me.  That’s illegal.  That is against the law.  You are obligated to divulge that information.  In fact, the other information you gave me days after we started seeing each was meant to be legally given to me at our very first meeting.

I remember when we met, I remember that day

Its on me like a scar, it will never go away

When I looked at you, I saw a sparkle in your eye

So amazing, a star fell from the sky

I opened my mouth but words wouldn’t come out

A moment I’d remember forever, I had no doubt

Then you spoke, words so beautifully sweet

Literally made my heart skip a beat

At the same time, you bestowed a smile

An image I’ll save forever, a very special file

each second became better the closer you came

I’ve seen so many girls, but this wasn’t the same

It took a minute, but I was finally able to speak

But that smile of yours, just made my knees so weak

I felt like a fool, it took everything to keep my stance

I couldn’t believe I was ruining the perfect chance

to ask if you to chill, the beginning of something more

I was just to late, you already made you way to the door

So disappointed I just let you walk out with such ease

I tried chasing you, but that smile and these darn knees

so I decided I’d write you this letter of the day we first met