letters i'll never send

I know its one of those down days and it's gonna be okay and just need to let it go through me and it'll pass but dammit.. I wanna hug you and actually touch you and idk what to do..

Its not your fault at all. If anything is mine cuz i knew how hard it is and i still decided i needed to know you better. I needed to be part of your life and now im suffering the consequences.

Not because of anything you did. Or said or how you acted. No. You did nothing wrong.

You have your life. It's normal. And i have my life. It's what i want. To be a us but made my individuals.

Then why am i scared? I guess in a way my old fear is manifesting today. I've always been afraid that you'd be so important to me that the day you can't be there will be the day I break.

But i shouldn't even be thinking about it tho. You're not gone. You're still here. You'd show up if i called. I know you would. Then why am i so worried?

Why do i want to hide and stay away? To prove myself that i can function alone? I know i can. I did it all my life ffs!

Why do i believe i need to be alone when i found someone who doesn't want me to face shit alone!? Why?

And then the fear comes.. Why? You ask? Because if you keep relying on him then what happens when he leaves you? Or when hes not around or doesn't care? Uh? What then?

Then i break... But i know i will get back up. I just know it.

But at the end of the day?

But i can promise you, no matter what happens i will be there by your side. And i know you'll be there for me. Though thick and thing.

I can't stop your worries and concerns. But i can try and quiet them a bit.

Just keep this in mind.

I love you.

You're strong.

And history is not gonna repeat itself. I'll do everything i can to stop it.

YOU  don't have to change anything about you okay?  If i do want you to cool down or something i will tell you. I promise you.

And i didnt tell you before what's going though my mind because it's stupid. And i don't want to overwhelm you with my issues. I know you want to know and help but i dont want it to be too much. I don't want you to have to be the one to fix them.

Because you already help so much more than you know. You are the reason i haven't had an anxiety attack in weeks. You are the reason i told my mom about us. And it was killing me that i was lying to her. You help me so much without even realizing it baby.

So i don't say all the messed up thoughts that go through my mind because I know they're temporary and will go away eventually.

"Hes the one who gave colors to my life. The one i cant get enough of.

I miss him when he's gone but i keep him with me in my heart.

Eyes that just draw me in and i can get lost looking at. I'd stare for hours and still feel like it was the best time of my life.

His hair is just perfect. Fighting with him all the time just making me fall more and more in love. I just wanna cuddle and play with his hair, making him fall asleep in my arms.

And when i do get to be in his arms ill feel like the pieces just fit and the puzzle is finally complete.

When i get to kiss him the world will stop. Because I'll just be so happy that nothing and no one will be able to pull be down. I'll just be a butterfly that keeps soaring and soaring.

Nothing can describe how much i love him.

The sun isn't bright enough.

The ocean isn't deep enough.

The cosmos isn't big enough.

Nothing is enough. So I just say i love you everyday, and hopefully he gets it. Its not enough but it holds so much meaning inside.

Its not just "i love you".

Its a i love your eyes. Your face. Your perfect smile. Your voice that keeps playing on repeat on my mind. Your hair thats just stubborn. Your concentration face. Your mind and opinions. Your heart. Every little thing you do. Your quirks. Your nerdiness and your movie quotes. Your humor. Your love.

You. It's not an empty phrase. At least not to me.

It's me saying " I'll give you everything you ask of me".

Its me saying "I'll always be here for you".

Its an " I'll fight everyone to keep you happy and safe".

An " you'll never be alone" and a " ill always have your back".

An "you have a safe place with me".

How can i act like everything is pkay when i see you weren't quite honest and are acting strange?

Everyone has bad days but will i push or let it go?

Will i protect myself and my heart or help you out?

I love you so much. And it scares me. I learned to be on my own, to rely on myself to be happy and strong.

And then you came along and stole my heart and now you can make me cry so easily it hurts.

Ive cried of happiness. Because you're everything I was looking for. Because of how much you love me. Because of how you care.

But tonight ive cried of... Sadness? Worry about us?

I've always has doubts. Not that you love me. Certainly not that i love you. No. My doubts are about whether you'll fall out of love with me. That you suddenly realize "oh. She's not what I want".

You were always the one who believed in us. Who said " I will marry you. And that's a promise". Who told me " Baby I've never been happier".

But today you were the one who was afraid. Of us. Of your history. Of being hurt again. Of being truly happy. And my world came crashing down. Because if you're afraid... Then what do I do?

I think i know why you're afraid. I keep pushing the moment we see eachoter face to face. But you have to understand how terrified i am. If i see you. If i get to touch you and feel you. Fuck, if I get to kiss you? Then im giving you all the power to destroy me.

And im afraid that will kill me. Because i never gave that power to anyone. Because the people who had half of that power made a mess of me. Because of them i built the walls all around me and my heart.

Everyone knows them. At least those who kept around long enough to break that first wall. They know i won't let them pass the others. Not easily at least. And certainly not quickly.

And then you came along. And without me knowing you were inside the walls like you had the key. And it was too late for me to notice and kick you out. But surprisingly? I let you stay. Because even tho i didn't know you, you felt like you belonged.

But im still scared. Because now you're inside and you have easy acess to break anything you want. So i still keep a distance. Just in case...

And i want to come closer so badly. I want to let you in and actually stay. I really do. But damm its hard to let go of the things that hurt me. And i know its hard for you too.

You're afraid to be happy. Almost as much as im afraid you'll hurt me. And the sad part is.. My first though is to leave. Because that way we're both free of our doubts. Because you might find someone better. Someone you don't have to wait for. Someone who's not still healing.

But i cant. Not this time. I don't want to run away. I don't want to give up what we have. I just can't.

And then the doubts come back. "what if you're hurting him? What if he's not happy with you? Are you selfish for wanting to keep him? Would giving him up be better for him? But he says he's happy. So aren't you finding excuses to run away to protect your heart and hide behind his wall?

And then i cry. Because I'm in way over my head. The thoughs won't quiet down. And they're so freaking loud!

But one thing remains.

No matter what I love him... And i think he truly loves me...

I feel like I’m stuck and there’s an invisible wall all around me.

It’s suffocating me.And i wish i was brave enough to break the walls and go outside.

But I’m afraid.

I’m afraid of the outside.I’m afraid I’m not strong enough to survive there,and above all I’m afraid that if i break the walls,they will crumble onto my safe space and i will no longer be able to return.

I wish they had built a door.

So i could go outside if i want to and always be able to return to my safe place. Or at least be able to see the outside and leave if i wanted to. I could leave the door open and know i could leave anytimw and came back. I would be able to choose to stay inside instead of being forced to.

I sometimes try to break just a little bit of the wall. Just enough so I can leave for a while.

But everytime i come back and go to sleep, the next day the hole is fixed and reinforced and I’m no longer strong enough to break it again.

Most days i stay inside because the outside isn’t appealing.

But others, it’s raining inside and when i look out,i see a beautiful warm and sunny day and i look at myself with a tiny umbrella and i just want to scream.

I wanna be like some people.

Who were brave enough to shatter the walls and go outside and they realise that its not scary at all. It’s what they always dreamed of. And they’re happy they decided to break those stupid walls.

They decide to go back one day.

To see that place again and they see that the walls didn’t destroy or ruined their safe place. In fact it’s still there. But the walls disappeared. And their safe place is intact and more beautiful than ever. 

And they stay.

And they know they will leave again someday. But that’s okay because the place will still be there waiting patiently for them.

One day i will be strong enough to destroy those walls.

One day i will go outside.

You just said that since i got into university that i changed. Well i guess i have to say im sorry. Im sorry i grew up. Im sorry my anxiety got worse. Im sorry you cant see it. Im sorry i struggle every day and try to look fine. Im sorry that when you asked me to rub some cream on your back i didn’t do it. Im sorry that you say “ an eye for an eye a tooth for a tooth” when i said that my teeth hurt. Im sorry you think that is a way a mom should be. Im sorry that you don’t see all i did and still do for you. Im sorry that you only feel good in my room and that I have to “kick you out” at night so i can sleep. I sorry you don’t care about me like you used to.

Im sorry i don’t want to be alive anymore. Im just so sorry mom.

I should have writen this letter a long time.

Better yet, i shoud send you this letter.But i never will. Because unlike you i dont want to hurt you.

I know you love me. I truly know it and everyone can see it. The thing is you like to push people. You like to start fights. You do, even tho you’ll never admit it.

You pushed dad till he became a cold person to the family and then complain that he only talks to outside people. I wonder why. He doesn’t even say hi to me in the morning. But i noticed that and I’m trying to change it. But I'ts hard when the first thing he hears when he gets home are s!“#$ complains from you that you could very well avoid.

You once fought with him and stayed all night out at the house of one of his aunts. You knew he was looking for you. You knew he was scared and sorry. Yet you did nothing out of spite. You made him suffer and only came home the next day.

He used to say that if it weren’t for him, when i was a baby i would be home alone for hours because you wanted to go party or things like that. That you used to leave me crying all night long untill i had fallen a sleep because you didn’t want me on your bed. I didn’t want to believe that but I’m starting to.

You put your own son out of the house when he was fifthteen! You claim that it was for his own good. Because he didn’t appreciate what he had and other crap like that. Your mother took him in and raised him her way - granted not the best - and you still complain till this day.

He spent nights on the street, cold and afraid and with nothing to eat. He was an alcohoolic and drug addict. He managed to got out, after he hit rock bottom. Alone.

You did nothing to help. And “trying” to get him back is a poor excuse. You were the mother. You could have just called the police if you wanted.

You say its because he said he didn’t want to go with you and i can understand him. My dad and his step-dad when out looking for him when he lived in the street because you kicked him out and begged him to come back. You know what he said? “I can’t. It’s not you, i’t’s her. I can’t go back to her ”

Your own son didn’t want to live with you. How can someone live knowing that ?

You pushed my dad. You ruined my brother. And now you’re ruining me.

I don’t want to come home because of you. How can that be??

I’m the closest you can get to a perfect daughter. I’m in college. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I rarely go out and when i do i don’t go clubbing. I go out with friends after school for a drink. One. I never get home later than 1am and thats because i need a ride home.I even call you to tell you i’m going to a bar and the aprox time i’m going to leave.- None of my friends do that for your information.- I never got drunk. I do evreything i can to please you.

Yet you act like this. You push me and get angry at me and all in between. You blackmail me emotionaly mom. To the point of depression, anxiety and cutting. Wich I hide because i feel week  for not being abke to cope.

The thing is only you make me do this. Its only after a fight with you that i grab my blade. And i don’t get how someone I love so much and that loves me back can do this to me.

Whenever we fight and you realise you messd up you get defensive. I know you that well. I don’t know if you know that or you pretend you don’t because you could never admit defeat. You could never admit your wrong. Ever.

When that happens the next day or the next time we talk we pretend nothing happened. It hurts me. Because I’m right. But you never admit it and you don’t know how much that damages me.

You will never know how much you hurt and damage and how you’re slowly killing me. Í know you won’t. Because i love you and i want you happy and i can’t stand the thought of you being unhappy because of me.

But stop pushing me. Stop complaining when i’m not home yet and it’s not even midnight. Stop making a huge scene when i go to a sleepover at a friends house- and that was one in a life time so thank you for making me never go again even tho i loved it- Stop complaining when i get u late because i went to bed late and i don’t want to wake up because i hate my life. Stop talking about my drivers license and start asking yourself what is stoping me. Stop being the reason why i cut or wish that a car would hit me. Stop doing all of that.

Stop pushing me to the edge without knowing how close I am to it. Stop making me drown everyday. Stop it. Because one day i might fall of the edge - or jump- and you won’t know why.

I love you and i know you can be a good mother when you want. But I also know you can be an awfull mother too.

I pety you sometime you know? No friends- your fault-; family that avoids you - you made dad that way -; and clinging to your daughter, your making me unable to live my life.

Please don’t ruin me. I love you but please.

Just…  

Please…