Letters I'll Never Send

It’s been nearly a year, and I’m still hurting from the abuse I suffered for such a short amount of time.  I regret you, I really do, but I’m also glad we went through what we did.  Without it, I probably wouldn’t be as smart as I am today.  I have had my newest beau tested for any diseases, and although he did not appreciate it, after some time he finally understood that this was a thing that I NEEDED, and it had nothing to do with who he was, who he’d been with, this that or the other thing.  It was all about me, needing peace and he was going to give it to me come hell or high water.

But why is it that I miss you when I’m sick?  Why do I still hurt when I think about what we could have had, and yet I know that deep down it was nothing because you were exactly who I should have run away from.  When I shut down that first time, it was my only sign from God that you were bad for me.  That I was getting back into a place that I had struggled so long and hard to get out of.  And I didn’t listen because I thought that maybe, just maybe, you were different and that it was just me.  That I was letting my past take over my present and possibly my future.

You said you had control issues, like you’d come out of them somehow when you took on sobriety.  But I can promise you that you are still trying to control everything.  If my behavior is not what you want, if you don’t like how I’m acting, you threaten the security and commitment of our relationship.  Like you’re holding a gun or knife and saying “Meet my demands perfectly or the relationship gets it!”

You are nit picky about little things I do that bother you.  But I don’t mind because I’m a slob.  Sometimes you don’t think before you act, which is fine because you live in the moment and consequences honestly don’t mean anything to you.  We have had our moments, and I have imploded, exploded, cried and been unwilling to talk.  Thankfully, you make attempts to be better with me and that means the world to me.

You may have had him before me, but it’s not about who had him first.  His first kiss will never be mine, but it also will never be yours.  Know that his last kiss will be mine.  You won’t get him back.  I trust him to be faithful to me, he has no feelings for you.  But do not mistake my compliance.

Merry Belated Christmas and a Happy Early New Years to you and yours.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask that if you’re going to claim I’m the best thing ever to happen to you, that I’m everything to you, that you love me so much, to at least spend a few of the remaining hours of Christmas day with me.  I don’t honestly ask for much, I gave up Christmas Eve with you, I gave up Christmas morning with you, I gave up most of Christmas day with you.  Four hours of the actual day itself wouldn’t have been too much, I don’t think.  I don’t understand...

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I am beautiful