Diary Of A Lost Girl

              While there has been some good parts of my life , right now I just feel empty; let me explain. The good things are soon we will be moving to a new house, one that my dad didn’t die in and one closer to family. I got a new job working with animals which I love. I have even been soul searching and trying to let go and deal with my inner demons as well as working out. But tonight I got a text from my friends asking me to go out with them and I realized I didn’t want to be their friend anymore. They didn’t do anything I just think about it and it is exhausting.  A part of me never felt like I fit in and I just don’t want to anymore. I just think I’m in a different part of my life. A big part of it is how they are changing their morals and goals for guys. I know I don’t let go of some people that easy but I would never go against my own beliefs and over look big red flags to be with someone. Then they talk to me about it and I tell them the truth and they get mad and defensive  and they say “ well no you just don’t understand when you’re in love you do this and this”. Like I haven’t been in love before ? and no that’s not love. You shouldn’t have to fight everyday to keep it. It should be easy in that it should fall into place and just happen you shouldn’t have to wonder if they love you, or if this is the right path. You should naturally want to be better for them not to get them. Love shouldn’t bring you heartbreak and pain especially in the beginning , it should bring warmth and joy. And part of me gets it for both of them they never had a bf before and so they don’t know. I remember my first few bf I was convinced I loved that and that I had to fight for them it wasn’t until A that I understood. You don’t know love until you’ve had it. Things with A were so different , I didn’t want to cut anymore , for the first time in along time I was happy. I didn’t have to fight for his attention and he was busy, he had school, work and then worked out at night but he always made time for me even if he was dead tired. I learned what love was and how to give it because of him. The truth is they never saw me in love before, they didn’t know me when I was with A the only person they heard about long term was D and that wasn’t love either. But they have to figure that out for themselves.

Trying to rebuild after my dad’s passing has been hard but I feel like I’m doing okay. Aside from the anxiety I’m okay.  The thing that gets me angry and has me stressing out is my mom.  A few months before my dad died she had been talking to other men and , for lack of a better word, being a hoe.  I was mad my post about that was laced in hate and distain. After about a week or so of being mad I felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t keep living like that; I thought about going back to old habit but I refused to have scars because of her. Then something in me decided to go to a higher power. I know religion and God aren’t for everyone and I would never push my views on anyone but this what I believe and how I coped. I began to forgive my mom and I stayed true to that path for a few weeks and then slowly started to pull away. Then I caught my mom in yet another situation of infidelity, I was convince it was because I had pulled away from God. Not because he was punishing me but because he knew I would need him and wanted to keep close. So once again I turned to him and stay on that path until about few days before my dad died, and after he died I definitely went back and started trying to live more involved in God and I have to say that helped me a lot during the hard part. Then for reasons ill go into later I pulled away again from God. and ofc caught my mom in another “hoe” situation. This time though I didn’t take the high road, I had already forgave her twice I needed to be mad I needed to be a bitch, my dad hadn’t been gone that long and she was already moving on? Was she happy when my dad died? Relieved ? now she was free and could go out and do whatever. That how I took it and I took all of her tears and word about my dad as lies. At the funeral people were saying “ he was lucky to have a wife like m mom” and once that last incident happened I went back to those word and thought “ what a load of bullshit, she didn’t care about him”.          I stayed mad at her for awhile but then I realized how unfair I was being and slowly started to ease up but even now theres this pain in my tummy that just gets so mad at her. I try to be understanding but some nights I just want to get away and not have to understanding I want to be mad and hate her, I want to hurt her like she hurt me, but then I feel bad. Every time she is on her phone I freak out , one because its like her life depends on her phone, like she has to be  on it and I know part of that is cuz it reminds me of the times she was talking to other men but none the less it freaks me out and I get that panicky , anger in my stomach and I just want to get away from her. Logically I know it shouldn’t matter cuz my dads is gone but its like he just died hasn’t even been a year and I feel like she is going to find someone and I have to relive hearing her moan or catch her doing something and there’s nothing for me to do. Plus at times it seems like her phone is more important than me like now that my dad is gone her ties and responsibilities are done and part of me feel like once she moves on that will be it ill be irrelevant. So I want to pull back before that happens so I don’t have to be that hurt. Its like needing my mom cuz she is all I have know but also at times hating her so deeply and idk what I want or how to fix it. Honestly idk if it can be fixed there only so much a person can take before u have to just move on, idk It just feels so fucking overwhelming. She spends a lot of time out of the house and I get mad cuz im left here alone and I get lonely but also its like I can breath I don’t have to worry about having another incident but also my mind starts being paranoid like “ oh she out doing stuff with someone, that’s why she is out without u.” its just a constant push and pull and I hate it, idk what to do or how to move on I just want it over. It got so bad that about two weeks ago I just had to fucking cut cuz it was so overwhelming , my leg was covered in cuts , I just wanted a release , but that didn’t help. So idk here is where Im at .

​I have a strong belief in trying to find lessons in tragedies and the thing about death is that it makes think of your own mortality. Tomorrow isn't a given; we all like to think we'll be old and grey when we go but the truth is we don’t know. I spent too much time waiting to start living, waiting for myself to change but not putting in the work needed to change.So here I am, 22 with regrets because I spent all this time stuck and letting life pass me by. My dad taught me alot in his life but the biggest and greatest lesson came in his death. The lesson of just living. He had the odds stacked against him from the beginning and he worked to be better than what he was given. Even when he went blind he didn’t just stay stuck he worked and made something out of his situation, he even pushed others in similar situations to do the same. The greatest lesson my father ever taught me was even if life deals you a shitty hand you can fold or you can go all in and win.

For many fall is the season of creepy and scary things , turkey and the promise of winter. For me fall was the time of brokenness and finding hope. It’s the time I found my calling and the time of year where everything is like breath of fresh air.

Ugh! This got me so heated and angry that I couldn’t let it go. This isn’t okay , and I understand schools have to make budgets cuts but when it is done simply because you want better arts and don’t feel that it is important for this population of student, that so old world and backwards that I can’t even beginning to justify you being a principle.

I am not so angry anymore and find myself missing our times just driving around jamming. I want to able to move on and get back there but idk if I can. Which is so fucking weird and hypocritical of me cuz I have literally forgave other for doing way worst. Aside from what she did she was awesome. She gave me a memory that meant more to me than anything, her taking me to the blink concert was the best night not because it was a free concert but because of what blink means to me. She took me to interviews, work, school, she was there for me. More so than other I let back in did. But aside from all there we understood each other more than my other friends even my best friends. Her life story and mine were so similar with our dark childhoods and the self harm it was crazy. I want to move past this and forget it.