#writen

At first, when there was no more sound, I tried to fall back asleep by getting more comfortable on my pillow. As I slowly fell back into slumber, I was startled awake once more by a delicate voice, “Don’t do that! You will mess it up,” my surprise did not stop there when a hand squeezed my hip gently, followed by a warm breath on my face, “Keep your eyes closed, I really want to have a nice picture of you,” If I hadn’t been told to keep my eyes closed, they would have widened the second he spoke. I needed to reply, but while his lips were very close to my head and hidden, I believe I was on his shoulder.

Making it seem like I was moving in my sleep, I angled my head slightly towards his, my mouth against the fabric of his outfit. “You are holding me,” I mumbled, not knowing what I wanted to convey. It felt nice, it also felt daring for a man who had no shame in delaying a simple kiss. Did I want him to let go? No. Did I feel embarrassed? Perhaps lightly, yes, after all we had company. But what I really wanted was for him to tell me why he was holding me, or maybe even hold me tighter. I was fully aware that those thoughts were not the most appropriate when we were not even together and even less so with spectators in the room.

“And you are very comfortable,” He whispered back, a smile in his voice but I couldn’t see his face. I felt his nose nuzzle my hair, his lips closer to my ear now, “And I can’t really let go, your legs are tangled with mine,” I gripped the fabric tighter, to hold myself back from getting up and moving right away. It was not appropriate to be this close, I should be getting off of him and leaving, but I did not want to. No matter how inappropriate it was, I could not feel more serene in his embrace. “Oh it looks good! We should wake them up,” “No, no, they look so adorable like that! Let them sleep a little bit longer. Sanemi’s gone, so there won’t be any ruckus.” The gentle voice replied to Uzui.

“Well, I’m off too. See you ‘round, young girl,” For a moment, I thought they would be leaving. Those words indicated so, but instead, there was a pause, followed by the soft voice asking Uzui to stop, which he did not. A moment after, his voice was very close to us, “Wake-“ the Sound Pillar’s words were cut short, I sat up quickly, with wide eyes and noticed Kyojuro’s hand around the grey-haired man’s throat as he sat up with a chuckle, his eyes were not displaying such emotions, “Don’t. You were loud enough the first time, Tengen, for us to hear you,” His hand never leaving the man’s throat, he glanced behind him and said, “Welcome back Mitsuri! Thank you for the drawing, would you mind leaving it here?” She nodded quickly, her cheeks flaring up as she hurried off with a smile.

When the Fire Pillar’s attention returned to Uzui, his gaze was once more light-hearted as he let go and smiled, “You’re a bastard, I like you-“ Uzui croaked, his own hand on his throat as he tried to make it less painful, “But you two should fuck already, it’s painful to see-“ Still with a laugh, Rengoku got up and stood right in front of the annoying pillar, his gaze never leaving his as their chests pressed against one another, “A great advice I will not heed!” He said confidently. The energy dripping from his tone so early in the morning threw me off, but I couldn’t help but observe the interaction. He then slapped a hand on the Pillar’s shoulder and chuckled, “After all, you are not the Pillar of Love, I would rather ask Mitsuri,”

As he guided him to the door, the Sound Pillar complained, “You know I have three wives? I know shit man, I know how to please-“ In a more serious note, Rengoku brought Uzui’s head to his level by pushing the back of his head forward, “I will not ruin this by rushing it, understood?” I couldn’t quite catch what he whispered to the Sound Pillar, but I saw him let go once more as he laughed, “So, thank you for the offer, but I will do as I please. Now, leave and be careful on your mission, friend,” He patted his back to encourage him, then pushed him outside before sliding the door closed.

There were a few complaints when Rengoku wouldn’t open the door again, we waited for the grey-haired man to stop before talking once again. “That was rather brutal,” I remarked, talking about his actions towards the married man. Kyojuro laughed softly as he picked the drawing from the floor and walked up to me, sitting back on his futon, “Well, he startled you,” He shrugged, adding, “Maybe I was also startled and reacted instinctively,” he then put the drawing on my lap then looked up at me with a grin, I quirked a brow tiredly, asking him what he wanted.

“Do you think she got your drool on the paper? That would be very detailed,” He asked with a smug smile, I quickly brought my hand to my mouth and wiped what I believed would be wet but it was completely dry, “I do not drool-“ “But for a second you believed me, that was so cute,” He cooed, making my cheeks heat up as I averted my eyes from his bright ones and looked back at the drawing Mitsuri had done. She had quite the skills, and her brushstroke was so detailed it brought her art to life. There were no colors, but she put more pressure with her coal in certain areas, giving it different tones. It was beautiful. “I am keeping it,” I stated as I delicately placed it on the floor next to me.

The moment it was down, Rengoku threw himself on my lap to grab it and brought it back in front of us, “We should ask Mitsuri to make another one! I want to keep it too,” He threw me a glance, his gentle gaze turning into a smug expression for a second before he leaned in, his cheek against mine, “Unless we keep it here and make this our room, I think it would be better than making her draw another one, don’t you think?” Letting my hand slide to his, I took the paper from his hand and put it to the side as I slowly turned around to look at him. With our face this close, I could only hope he would not move and let me kiss him. But that was wishful thinking.

Before I could fully face him, his hand was on my mouth. I think he must have figured out what I was about to do when I did not say anything for what was probably too long for him. He now had a bright grin on his lips as he looked at me with a certain pride while slowly making me face him. Is he flattered by what I tried to achieve? I wondered, still looking at his beautiful smile. Then he leaned in, our nose touching. I tried to pry his hand away from my mouth, but he was not moving, instead he pressed a kiss on the back of his hand where my lips would have been and laughed softly, “I love your determination, a very bold move…” He then rested his forehead against mine.

“You’re not making this easy at all… You don’t listen much either, but it’s alright. I will be the patient one,” He chuckled softly before kissing my cheek and standing up, his hand leaving warmth on my face not only from the heat of his skin but also from the embarrassment I felt at his gentle rejection. It was not entirely a rejection, but more of a delay, once more. “You will forgive me for acting recklessly, I find it hard to focus on anything when all I think about is your lips on mine, Kyojuro,” For a moment, he almost stepped forward but only his upper half moved; his feet kept him grounded as he threaded his fingers through his hair and laughed softly.

The redness on his cheek brought a certain delight to my person as he looked to the side, laughing nervously again. It gradually turned into a louder one as he tried to cover his mouth but could not keep quiet. Had I said something that funny that he had to burst out laughing? Thinking it was slightly annoying to be laughed at, I stood up and put away my futon, trying hard to ignore the laughing man. When I was about to leave, he grabbed my hand and with a red face asked me to forgive him, “I am so sorry- It is the nerves! I am so relieved I am not the only one whose mind is plagued by the thought of being alone together,” he slowly calmed down, his hands cradling my face but keeping a certain distance.

“I can see we are dancing around one another, but hearing you say that brings me such relief, I have no explanation, but it feels very nice,” The Pillar said with confidence, the bright smile back on his face. If it feels nice simply thinking about it, you should kiss me, is what I thought. Instead, I pulled his hands away from my face. “Good, enjoy that feeling while it lasts because this was my last attempt at making you cave before the festival, Kyojuro. From now on, I will be like a mountain: I will be unmoving and will not bow, understood?” I huffed, a short smile drawn on my lips to show that, while I was being serious, I was also being partially playful.

The man’s eyes widened at first before softening as he nodded, “Very well! I admire that, a strong will is very important, yes,” He paused and placed a hand on my head, letting his slide to the back of it before tilting it slightly, “But how strong is the mind when the body is desperate?” His tone was low and cunning at the same time, I felt shivers run down my spine. I could almost hear my resolve shatter for a moment, but I quickly got a hold of myself when Rengoku let go of me, his fingers trailing down my jaw before dropping at his side. “Oh well! We shall see, don’t you agree?” He asked once more with that stupid, beautiful, smile on his face.

Composing myself, I dusted off nothing from my attire and held my head high, “Yes, we shall. I am sure we both have things to do, I will see you then,” With a curt nod, I left the room at a very self-aware pace; I wanted to scurry off but doing so would clearly show how into my head that man had gotten. I had some dignity to keep, a simple head-tilt and an almost kiss would not be the end of me. Shaking my head, I took a controlled breath and cooled down, calming my beating heart in the process. It should not be hard to spend an entire day without thinking of the Fire Pillar, to not feel the excitement for what was to come tomorrow nor to remind myself of how good it felt to be held by him.

Now that’s having the opposite effect of what I’d expected, I thought as I entered the kitchen. I was glad to be greeted by the girls upon arrival, they managed to change my mind by giving me a few things to do around. As I was doing them, Sumi called out my name, effectively bringing my attention back to her, “Genya came back and is being treated, I also believe the Sound Pillar and the Wind Pillar both left a few moments ago,” The black-haired girl hummed, thinking of what other information she had, “The Love Pillar came in earlier today, but she will have to leave a bit later in the afternoon,” She then gave me a curt nod as a way to tell me she was done.

Thinking for a moment, I asked her to wait before rushing off, “Would you mind warning Kyo- The Fire Pillar that the Love Pillar will be leaving soon, I am sure he would love to catch up with her while she is here,” I paused, hesitating a moment. The little girl was looking at me with insistence, trying to have me spit out what I was holding back. Her lips twisted into a smirk, catching me off guard to see such an expression on her lips, “Why don’t you go tell him yourself? Aren’t you two lovers? Did you two have a fight? Aoi won’t kill you for slipping away a few minutes to tell him, I can make sure of that!” She flexed her biceps to show she was serious, making me chuckle as I lowered her arms.

“No fight, nothing happened. Today is a day I am focused, and he is very distracting,” I explained with a short laugh. The youngling did not miss a beat as she brought her hands to her cheeks, grinning from ear to ear, “Because you love him? The way you look at him-“ “What is it about the way I look at him? I always look at everyone, it is called being observant,” I huffed, making the entire kitchen laugh. Looking up, I saw the two other young girls had paused their activity and were looking at Sumi and I. It was Kiyo who spoke up, “Love has created heroes, but even more idiots,” She quirked a brow in emphasis.

I gasped a laugh. They were in a great mood today, at least in a mood to tease me which I hoped they would do to the fool I had taken a liking to. It would not have been fair if I was the only one to undergo their playfulness. “Well, if I had known you were both in such a good mood, I would not have opened my mouth,” I laughed again. Kiyo stood in front of the doorway, stopping me from leaving. It surprised me how much nerve those little girls had today, but I was willing to go with the flow for a bit longer until it was too much. “We will deliver the message,” She said with a serious expression, her head dipping forward as she placed a hand on her chest comedically. Slowly she raised it and grinned mischievously, “If you promise to let us help you get prepared on your wedding day!”

Stammering, I gently pushed past the girl, making them all laugh at how my face had heated up, “No such thing will happen anytime soon-“ “What thing?” I heard his voice right next to me as he made his way up to me, standing by my side as his hand naturally slid to mine, holding it tight. Speaking louder than the girls, I said, “Nothing, they are feeling rather impish today,” I threw them a glance that told them to keep quiet, but their smile did not leave their face.

Naho strolled up to Rengoku and looked up at him innocently, “Will you two get married?” she asked, her eyes jumping from him to me. The man did not falter one bit as he tightened his hold on my hand and brought me closer to him, “We have yet to talk about it!” Pressing a kiss on the back of my hand, he then let go and crouched by her side and continued, just as confidently, “When we’re decided, I will be sure to tell you girls-“ He threw me a glance, his eyes piercing mine with an expression I couldn’t decipher as they trailed down to my body before looking back at me. He quickly looked back at the young girl, “You could help us on the big day if we ever-“

I could not listen to this anymore. Placing a hand on his shoulder, I told him about Mitsuri then hurried away. Why am I upset? What even are the odds of us getting married? Why am I even considering it? To do so, we’d need to come out victorious in the fight against Muzan, we’d have to both survive… So, why think about future projects? That was too hopeful, I did not want to hope too much. I was fine with giving him- us, a chance, but thinking of a future where everything was fine seemed too idealistic. And yet, I could not bear the thought of seeing his expression decompose if I told him it would not happen, because we were not sure. And it’s that uncertainty that made my stomach churn.

An uncertainty that stopped me everywhere I thought I could go. The very same uncertainty that almost made me step away from this pure happiness this man brought me. Only hope could balance uncertainty, but hope did not work well with reality, with facts. It entered one’s mind when one felt like the odds were against them, when one was ready to gamble on their life. I did not want that, I wanted to know our efficiency, how well everyone was trained, I wanted plans, hope would not lead us anywhere without the necessary fighting power.

“Cheer up, I don’t want to beat your ass if you’re all sad and shit,” I had not realized my feet had brought me to the dojo until I heard his voice. I was sure I’d find Genya there but was still startled upon hearing it. “Oi, did you lose your damn tongue when I was away or something? You never were the talkative type but- shit-“ When I interrupted him by throwing him on the ground he grunted in pain and pulled me down with him, this was a familiar greeting. Gyomei had taught us to stay on our toes, and if I was able to get the best of Genya, it meant he had let his guard down.

He proceeded to insult me as we fought, wrestled would be a better term seeing our bodies on the ground. I was in a worse position than him considering my attire, but I still managed to keep control for a while. The scarred man did not talk much, except to swear and grunt in pain, I only mimicked the latter. It felt good to let out some steam in a rawer way. While talking with Gyomei had greatly helped me with the decision I had to take, I still did not like the situation I was in. I felt like I had no control over anything, like I had to rely on what some would call fate which seemed foolish, and yet, the longer I thought about it, the more inclined I was to do so. Fate, hope, the future, all those things were out of my control, and I hated it.

Fighting like this with Genya alleviated the pressure I felt in my chest, it felt exquisite to only be focused on the present. The only things I had to think of was hitting, dodging and keeping the upper hand, it did not seem too hard until the man started fully using his force instead of practicing. I was good, I was aware of my skills and of who taught me, being trained by a Pillar was a great honor. But it’s that same man that taught Genya everything, the only difference between him and I was that he had anger to spare. I did not.

As we wrestled on the tatami, I could feel it burn my skin from some of the movements I made. Almost the entire fight I managed to keep him off of me, somehow, until he flipped me around violently once again and brought a wooden sword to my throat, grinning like a maniac. His eyes were flooded with adrenaline, his hands were gripping the wooden item enough that his hand turned white. He was holding back from pressing it further in but did not move from sitting on my stomach. I could see he was struggling to keep himself in check, as if he needed the bloodshed, as if I had been a real enemy and he was trying hard not to take me down.

This was perhaps one of the reasons why people in the mansion feared the Shinazugawa brothers, their thrill of fighting, the way their eyes lit up with excitement when engaging in combat. Their constant frown and sheer strength must have played a role in the fear people felt, too; some would also say their aura was aggressive, but they had never seen them fight. And that was a sight to be frightened of, nothing like their powerful stroll inside the mansion.

“You lose,” He spat, sweat beads rolling down his forehead as blood colored his nostrils. I suppose I did manage to get a few hits on him, perhaps that’s what brought the anger in. Pressing the blunt blade against my throat, he gritted through his teeth, “Say it, you fucking lost,” I could see in his eyes he was too into it when the pressure only increased, I tried to push him off, but he did not budge. I could hardly speak if he pressed a blade to my throat, and slowly I could feel my heart racing in my ears from the lack of air my brain was getting. When I tried to utter the words he wanted to hear, only a wheeze escaped.

When I tapped his side with force, he said I should give up because I had lost. I tried hard to keep my calm, things like this often happened when I would train with him, and they often would be under control. Except Gyomei had to intervene during those… losses of perspective. And this time, he was not around. Whatever I would do, the scarred man would not move, his eyes were lost somewhere and I did not know what he was seeing but it was not his friend in front of him, it was not me. As my vision started to blur, I suddenly felt the weight on my windpipe leave, then heavy steps echoed.

“I don’t think that’s how training works, young Genya!” Rengoku’s voice rang close by, as gentle hands helped me sit up, it was Mitsuri. She checked my throat for a moment, while Kyojuro was holding Genya’s arms behind his back. The Fire Pillar called my name in half-panic, half-confidence, it was an odd mix, but I managed to let out a sore chuckle. “How do you-'' Knowing he was asking me how we’d usually handle such situations, I stood up and grabbed the glass of water that was set near the door, ignoring Mitsuri’s words as she told me to stay put. “Like this,” I then splashed the water on Genya’s face, effectively bringing him back to us.

He stopped struggling against Rengoku’s hold so I signaled the latter to let go, knowing he had calmed down. Before I could even say a word, Genya rushed off to stand outside on the veranda, not feeling comfortable around so many people after such an event.

While I was still standing, my eyes locked on the back of the younger slayer and as I pondered what I should tell him to reassure him; my vision got blocked by the familiar kimono in front of me. “Songbird, are you alright?” his hands gently trailed from my hand to my neck where he winced, as if feeling the pain with me, upon seeing the damage. I thought my heart had calmed down after their arrival, but once Kyojuro was next to me, no matter what I tried there was no way to calm my heartbeat. “Can you talk?” He asked, I nodded in response. Laughing, he then gestured with his head for me to go on, “I can’t be sure you’re alright until I hear your pretty voice!” He stated with a smile on his lips.

With my hands in front of me, I asked him to lower his tone. I was fine with compliments, but the others did not have to hear them. “I can talk, Kyojuro. I am fine, it simply got a bit out of hand,” His thumb brushed over the sensitive skin on my neck, his eyes riveted on it too, lost in thought. I was about to reassure him once more when he looked around quickly, then leaned in and pressed a kiss on my neck before pulling back and smiling kindly. My first reaction was to gasp, my second was to pull him closer and to kiss him. The second did not happen. I was too shocked, positively so, to do anything. He seemed to have been enjoying my baffled reaction when he tilted his head forward once again, asking with that smug smile of his, “Shall I do it again?”

I stared into his golden orbs for a moment, trying to find the proper words to express myself. Yes, do it again, please. Let’s not wait until tomorrow, kiss me. Those were the first thoughts that crossed my mind, followed by, I am willing to pull you to the side and make you understand how much I want you. I want to turn this cheerful smile into one of pleasure, but that was too much too soon. Still looking at him, I thought it was a lot of almost indecent actions for a man that held himself back from kissing me simply for not having given me flowers. But I played along, I had said so this very morning that I was going to be unmoving, and a mountain I would be. “You are more mischievous than I thought you were, but I will not fall for it,” I whispered, “No matter how beautiful you are at this very moment,”

He stared at me in awe, which left me puzzled. I am sure my words did not bring such an impact on him, if anything it made a playful spark of his falter before burning even brighter. Not knowing what to do, I changed topic, “You should have let Mitsuri intervene, if Genya had fought back harder he could have hurt you and you have not entirely recovered yet,” I explained, crouching to grab the wooden sword from the ground to tidy up the mess we had made. When I rose from the ground, Kyojuro asked me to look at him and took my hand in his.

Humming inquisitively, I asked him wordlessly what was going on. His face reddened at first, his gaze askance before settling on mine, “You rushed off earlier,” he trailed off. It was unlike him to act in such a way, but I felt my heartbeat rapidly increasing. This was not the time to have that talk, I was about to tell him so when he said a bit louder, more confidently, “Do you not wish to get married? Ever?” I quickly covered his mouth, his eyes widening in surprise. It made two of us, two people caught off guard.

“Do not put words in my mouth. I have never said that” I sighed as I slowly uncovered his mouth before continuing, “Now is not the time to have this conversation. Would it be alright to talk about it this evening? Without people around…” Seeing how worry was painted all over his face, I wanted to relieve that worry by kissing it away, but I held back. Instead, I glanced around; Mitsuri was outside and Genya had his back turned, it seemed like the perfect occasion to do what he did to me. Using my kimono sleeve, I held it with my other hand and brought it to his mouth, covering it then pressed my lips against his. In comparison to his hand, which covered all sensations, I could feel how his lips moved behind the fabric, and it brought butterflies to my stomach.

When I pulled away, cheeks aflame and body a few degrees higher, he hummed in agreement. Worry had left his beautiful face and pride was now on his features, “Tonight, then. I will take care of your bruises too-“ He paused and looked at me with a knowing look, at least a knowledge he was convinced of having when he spoke his words, “I am starting to think you want me to take care of you,” I had to laugh in response, shaking my head slightly, “Were you not the one bedridden a few days ago? I am perfectly fine, if anything I will have to take a look at you,” He laughed too, running his hand through my hair gently as he stepped away and took a good look at me.

Quirking a brow at him, I waited for him to speak. His tone did not match his words when he said enthusiastically, “Disheveled and sweaty suits you! I can’t wait to see more of it,” Then as he was about to leave, he turned around, glad to see my flustered expression when he added, “That was cheating, what you did with the sleeve…” He beamed, his cheeks turning a few shades darker, “I liked it,” Rolling my eyes I told him to go, only to have him burst out laughing, his head thrown back as he left.

Waving both the Pillars goodbye, I closed the door behind them and called Genya’s name. I’ll admit it was a bit stern, which might have been the reason why he only grunted in response. Repeating his name without the strictness, he said my name in the same tone as mine. “Are you pouting?” I asked in surprise. That got him going since he stood up at a scaring speed to stand in front of me, “I don’t fucking pout, the Pillars ruined the fun” Chuckling, I pushed him away, “I do not believe we have the same definition of fun. Mine does not entail almost passing out, yours?” Clicking his tongue against his lips, he turned around and went to grab the wooden sword, his frown never leaving his face. I grabbed one too, in case he started something out of the blue, and waited.

“What’s with the orange one? When did that happen?” He nodded my way to get me to talk. “I will take the apology first, rooster. Only then will I be willing to gossip,” I huffed a laugh as I removed my haori to have at least a little more movement. At the same time, the man tried to punch me. Before he could touch me, I slowed his action by wrapping my haori around his wrist and forcefully turning him around to hold his arm behind his back. “Or perhaps you should talk to me first? Maybe try Gyomei? You seem a lot more angry than usual, Genya,” I stated as I let go of his arms and kicked his back to push him far away from me.

He almost stumbled but used the wooden sword to balance himself as he straightened his back, “Talking never helps, just uncap the fucking lid and let the pressure out or something,” He grumbled, his eyes were darker than usual and for a moment I could almost see how pained his mind was from how his look was clouded by confusion and anger. I found solace in knowing he was not too far gone since I could read his expression but also because we were still fighting bare-handed or with a sword. Those weapons were not his best play, if he really wanted to fight me he would have taken his shotguns. It meant everything was under control. For now.

“I disagree. I find it quite helpful to talk. Surely, Gyomei could enlighten you somehow. If you need a hug-“ he huffed sardonically before I could finish talking and ran towards me, “I don’t need that,” While it pained me to say so, I sometimes preferred dealing with Sanemi than Genya. The older brother knew when to close his mouth and sit down, he knew there were things that needed to be done. Genya did not care much. He rarely got wounded, which meant he rarely needed care, but it also meant he was always up for intense training. Gyomei had ingrained in our head that training hard mentally and physically gave great results; Clearly the rooster-like man aimed for the latter considering his little care for interactions.

Dodging his hit, we then started sparring without any more words. Although I would mostly describe it as putting up with his tantrum more than anything else. Since this was the only language he understood, I thought I’d take the opportunity to still have a conversation with him, even though he seemed determined to take me down. I was surprised by how much energy he put into this without even getting sweaty, or tired. “If we are going to do this-“ I dodged a hit and continued, a bit out of breath, “I will make the best of it,” I swore under my breath when he almost hit the back of my head with how fast he was but managed to avoid it.

“Since when are you two together-“ He insulted me when my knuckle grazed his cheek as he took a step back, I held back a laugh and replied, “We are not yet together. It is called courting,” I stated as we exchanged blows a few more times. His face did not brighten, he was still as sour as when I entered the dojo, except his eyes seemed a bit clearer. He was listening, he was not just being a feral man. “I am surprised you are surprised, I was starting to think everyone in this building knew about my… infatuation for him,” I scoffed. It quickly turned into a cough from how out of breath I was getting and how much damage my windpipe had taken.

“I knew,” He said off-handedly, his hands gripping the wooden sword by his waist as he pulled it out. I reacted just as fast and drew mine, the clutter of the wood colliding making my ears hurt with how much strength had been put in the attack. “Why now?” He asked. I quirked a brow in response. Was he asking for the full story of how Rengoku had said he would court me? “Why now? It’s stupid. There is a war coming, and you’re trying to find love?” For some reason, it ticked me off. I respected Genya, we had great memories together but now was not the time for him to open his mouth. He was trying to rile me up, that is what he did to get someone to fight with more anger. He wanted that. He needed more aggressivity in this sparring.

I took a deep breath and smiled, “I see what you are trying to do. Since it is immature, I will ignore what you said and humor you a little longer, does that sound fair?” I grunted all throughout my sentence from each blow Genya aimed my way. It was getting more brutal; his strikes were more precise which meant he was focusing. I knew he was getting into it when he rolled up his sleeves and inhaled deeply. “I’m not doing anything, I’m just saying it’s useless, you should spend more time training, clearly you’re lacking,” He commented.

He was getting under my skin; I do not know why it got to me more today than any other day. Perhaps it was because he did not care one bit about how I felt about the situation, nor had he asked either. I could ignore his bashing of my skills; I was still holding up against him after all… But his blatant disdain for my feelings hurt. I did not want to feel hurt, so I turned it into frustration, which was not the best play. His eyes met mine, then he smirked before continuing between hits, “Courtship is a distraction,” he stated.

“Could you remind me where I asked?” I said with as much sarcasm as possible. “What’s the point of all this if you’re not even sure you’ll both make it?” He worded it as a question, but his tone did not invite me to answer. He was almost brainstorming his opinions. So, I kept my mouth shut and kept sparring, “The man can barely fight, what difference will it make on the battlefield-“ “He is almost fully healed. He is a Pillar, he is strong, and anyone can be useful once we are out there. It’s not about strength, it’s about strat-“ His eyes fueled with rage when he gripped my sword to stop me from moving and pulled me close. “Of course, it’s about strength! The weak die out there, don’t you get it?”

I tried to pull back my sword, but he held on tight, “You know what makes you weak? Caring. Don’t do that shit to yourself, it’s lame,” When he let go, I reacted out of the blue by kicking him in the stomach before aiming for that same spot with the tip of the sword, “It is all about perspective-“ “Don’t get all wise on me! If you’re out there and he gets killed, what do you do? Uh?” His words hit me harder than I thought they would. What would I do? Cry? Cry and keep going. Why would I cry? We barely did anything together. Regrets? Yes… Regrets of not having done anything, regrets for missing out on all the things we could have done if we had both survived.

I do not want to live with regrets. Is that what frightens me? To miss out? To want to do things with him and not do them? I won’t have any regrets if we both live. That sentence let the door open for hope to enter the game and I did not like it one bit. So, I have to do the best of what I can while I can. Looking back at Genya, I furrowed my brows and calmly said, “I would keep my head high and keep going,” It annoyed him. “Bullshit!” It must have been the straw that broke the camel’s back since he stopped weighing his words, for the little he did before. “He will die out there!”

A knot formed in my throat, I felt sick. I did not want to listen to him anymore. I did not want to hear his words. As I spoke them, I wondered if my words felt confident or if I was fooling myself, “Not if we defeat Muzan,” I uttered, my face boiling in embarrassment and anger. “We are expendable, don’t you get it?” “Well, I will not die out there. And I will not let him die either,” I was speaking a lot faster. Even behind a mask of faux-composure I was aware of how out of my comfort zone I was. “You think you have any say in this?” I had not realized we had stopped fighting, I started feeling smaller and smaller the longer I was listening to Genya. What was the point of all this? He was right, we will die out there, so why spend all this time with a semblance of happiness? I was fooling myself.

And yet. This small fire inside my chest, this spark, would not die out. I did not want to give it a name, I knew its name, but I did not like it. It motivated me to speak once again, “I do, because if there is one thing I can control it is my actions. And I will do my best to keep him safe, I will keep an eye on him. If he gets hit, I will act faster than I ever did, I will help him,” “Why go out of your way for him? It’s just puppy love, a crush, whatever you want to call it, it’s not worth your time-“

I surprised myself perhaps more than I surprised Genya when I raised my tone, “It is! It is worth my time, understood?” Rengoku Kyojurou was worth my time. I wanted to give him all of it, if he allowed it I would simply sit by the veranda with him all day. Being by his side was comforting and I would be content with just that. With that feeling of warmth, of peace. I could not care less what state this war would have left us in, I just wanted him. “Why?! Why would you do all of that, for him?” He barked, a vein popping on his forehead. “Why are you so determined to put in so much effort just for him?!”

“Because I love him!” I finally let out in frustration, perhaps even in a scream. Short, but concise. I love him, I repeated in my head. I love him? I love him. I looked down at my hands then met Genya’s eyes, they had softened slightly, “I love him, I…” I trailed off, feeling my face burning from the heated argument. When I brought my hands to my cheeks, I almost thought I had a fever but knew better. We both stood silent a moment, to give us both time to calm down and take in what had been said.

“Do not tell anyone that,” I finally whispered, earning a short chuckle from the man. “Don’t think I need to, you announced it to the whole fucking estate,” He was right, I had not been the most discrete in blurting out my feelings like this. I still hoped no one had heard it, I am sure everyone was busy and had other things to do than eavesdropping on our conversation. It took me a moment to fully realize what I had just admitted. Saying it out loud did not help my predicament, what was I supposed to do with this new found clarity? Nothing had changed. I still feared losing him, or… leaving him behind.

“Still with the long face? Cheer up, it’s annoying to see you like this,” Genya said as he shoved my shoulder while walking past me. I stopped him suddenly by grabbing his shoulder and digging my nails deep in his skin. “Did you do this on purpose?” I asked, talking about him riling me up for no reason. “Who cares?” “I do. I need to know if I have to beat your ass to a pulp or if I need to thank you,” He laughed loudly, his hand gripping mine in a painful manner to remove it from his shoulder. “Then I didn’t do it on purpose- at least you’ll fight seriously this time instead of being a sappy piece of shit,” I had to take a sharp intake of breath to hold myself back from grasping a handful of his hair to pull him back.

“Sure. Let’s do another round, even with a crushed windpipe I can take your sorry ass down,” I scoffed cockily. He managed to rile me up earlier and I was in the mood to do the same to him, we had to start things on equal footing. A regretful decision when he pulled my arm over his shoulder and threw me to the ground, “I’ll make you my fucking rug,” Wincing, I welcomed his threat with open arms and started fighting back.

It lasted a long while, clearly the man needed to let out some steam. After what felt like ages, I felt it in my muscles that I had gone over my limit and could not go on. It required a full argument to convince Genya to ask Gyomei to train but once he was convinced I was able to leave the dojo sorer than the previous day had left me.

While I tried to focus on the pain I was feeling physically, I could not escape the redundant thoughts that kept going around in my head. The only way to forget about them for a while was to keep myself busy until the evening came. And that’s what I did. Aoi needed help around the mansion and was willing to accept my help; usually she wouldn’t, saying that I had better things to do, but seeing the state I was in, battered and exhausted, she rolled her eyes and pointed at the sheets.

It was only after a few hours that she came up to me, her small hands on my shoulders to force me to look at her, “You look like a ghost- A murdering one at that with the blood on your kimono, you should get changed,” Taken aback, I looked down at my attire. I had to squint my eyes to see the droplets adorning the fabric, “Ah yes… You are right, I should indeed,” She stood in front of me longer than necessary, that’s when I knew she had something else to add. Prompting her to do so, she huffed her chest and with a determined frowned said, “If you love him tell him,”

Panicked, I glanced at the closed door and felt relieved as I looked back at her. With a nervous laugh, I replied unsure, “I don’t think- Ah, where did you hear that?” Do not say it, please, do not tell me you’ve- “I heard you, I was walking by, and I am fairly certain you meant Rengoku. So, tell him,” Her tone told me she knew it was a fact, it was a statement. Shaking my head, I told her it was not that simple then bid her farewell. Upon crossing the threshold, her voice resonated behind me, “If you don’t do it, you’ll regret it!” She was probably right. But being right did not provide me with the courage to do anything about how I felt. It was too much too soon.

Focus, think of something else. Your thoughts are your own and you do not need to have them plagued with constant dilemmas. I scolded myself. It did not do much to change my thoughts, but I could have at least said I tried.

As I made my way to my room to get changed, I heard my name being called and turned around with an inquisitive look. “It’s the evening! Can we talk now?” Kyojuro said softly as he stopped in front of me, out of breath. Giving him a glance, ogling even, I noticed how sweaty he was. His hair, while often disheveled, was even more so than usual. “Did you train?” I asked at the same time he did, albeit more worryingly so, “Did you fight?” We both laughed shortly, then I nodded, pointing at the few stains of blood on my attire, “Technically, it’s training but Genya is rougher than most. There was some blood shed but all is good, do not fret,” I explained, letting the Pillar lift my sleeves to take a look as he turned my face to eye me from closer.

I closed my eyes to avoid meeting his, I knew too well what would happen from the proximity and warmth of his touch. Yet, I was enjoying how his hands would brush my skin with his rough movement. It was only rough due to his frenzy, he wanted to make sure I was alright.

Once he was done, he still held my jaw. His breath tickled my face when he spoke again, “Can we talk?” I smiled, at how he ignored my question and as I was about to reply, he pleaded, “Please look at me, I do not know what I did-“ Oh, I messed up, was my first thought before opening my eyes in panic and cradling his face in my hands, “Nothing- You did nothing!” His expression softened, but worry was still written all over his face, “I was smiling because you ignored- never mind, you did nothing wrong. I just need to get changed, then we can talk, I promise, I am not avoiding you if the thought ever crossed your mind,” Smiling at me, the Pillar leaned against my touch and placed his hand over mine, taking it away from his face to hold it.

“It may have, I will be waiting for you in our chambers-“ “Our?” I asked with a smirk as his face turned a multitude shades of red, it followed up to his ears. He quickly let go of my hand and took a step back, his chest rising quickly when he turned his face to compose himself. Once he had, he said, “I will be waiting! Have fun!” “I am simply changing my attire, I hardly think fun would be the word I would use,” I teased. My chest filled with delight when he looked at me again, a frown adorning his blushing features. I held his gaze, smiling tenderly until he mirrored my smile. “You are playful tonight, I will endure it because you look very cute with that mischievous smile of yours,”

I threw my head back, laughing a moment before returning to my senses, “Nothing mischievous here, I am merely enjoying your- how do you say it? Bashful expression, was it?” Before he could reply, I gave him a curt nod and left to get changed. It did not take long to do so, nor did I want to stay away from him too long in case he thought I was running away from the problem. Was it even a problem? Nothing had occurred yet… I had simply hurried off at the mention of marriage.

It was no surprise to see the Pillar sitting in the middle of the room when I slithered inside upon having gotten changed. What did catch me off guard was how tense he seemed to be, sitting right there, hands on his knees, expectant. Before I could even open my mouth, he spoke, “I trained with Mitsuri earlier, but I’m good, I promise-“ This was the confident man I knew, he stated those words like he was trying to motivate recruits, “Now can you tell me why you ran off earlier? I really, really want to…” He stopped himself from saying anything else. If I were not biased by my earlier realization, I would have thought he wanted to continue his sentence by ‘marry you’.

Humming, I joined his side and sat in front of him, “There are not many ways to say this,” He seemed alarmed by how I started, I immediately continued, “I am afraid of thinking of what could be, because… we are not sure we will both make it. I do not wish to-“ My throat tightened, I did not think it would have been that hard to open up about it to him. And yet, I averted my gaze to fiddle with my fingers a moment before looking back at him, a short smile on my lips. “I truly like you, or else I would not be courting you- nor would I be excited for tomorrow to come but-“

“There is no but! That is all I need to hear, I am reassured-“ I needed to cut him off, while he seemed over the moon, I was not at ease at all, “I am not. I am not reassured at all, there is so much I wish to do with you, so much,” I had to pause to calm my speech, hearing how inarticulate it was becoming, “But I am afraid we will not have time- that is why I do not want to think of marriage. Because deep down, I am dreading the moment when I will fall during battle. The moment you- the moment I will realize that thinking of what could have been, hurt. Because with you, I see opportunities, I see-“ it was getting harder to speak, there was a heavy weight in my throat. No matter how hard I tried, it was not leaving.

Blinking the tears away, I chuckled nervously while trying to wipe the tears with my sleeve, “It is unsure what will become of all of us once we are fighting Muzan, and I hate that uncertainty. It blocks me, it holds me back, and I don’t know what to do. I have a hard time being as optimistic as you are, Kyojuro… But I can promise you, I will fight hard enough to stay alive if I am ever taken down-“ Taking my hands in his, he brought them to his chest. And tilted his head to kiss them gently, his eyes ever so wide. “Don’t say this, please, it might bring bad luck,”

He then continued, cooing me closer as he wrapped my arms around his waist. I tried to stop him but let him pull me closer, it was a strange position, but it still elated a laugh from my person, “You won’t fall during battle, you are a very skilled fighter, we both are. Master Ubuyashiki has a plan, we must trust him,” He explained gently, his hand sliding to my back as he reassuringly rubbed it. “Plans go awry,” I stated. He chuckled, “Then we’ll make other plans! I’m sure we can come up with something great on the spot,” I let out a huffed laugh, he was right, but would it be enough?

“It’s not just us two out there, we will all be fighting Muzan together,” “How do we know if we are strong enough?” He hummed a moment, resting his chin on the back of my head while thinking. Then he exclaimed, “We will have to be, how else am I supposed to watch over you if I die? How else can I see your pretty face if I’m not here with you?” I hit his arm with a certain force upon hearing his words, “Do not say that… you will jinx it, please,” He apologized quickly, a silence settling between us. I was still not convinced about anything, I was good with living day by day, but I knew he found comfort in thinking of what will be once we won. It was not even hope, it was confidence. Or perhaps foolishness?

With his arms wrapped around mine, Rengoku spoke softly, “There is no need for you to think of the future, as long as you are willing to live through each day until you reach it. Because once we are there, in that future that some longed for, some dreamt of, or some feared of hoping for- once we are there, everything will be alright, everything will be better,” Oh, was that what I wanted to hear? Is this why I am crying? Why does it feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder? It shouldn’t be that easy, I thought. I was sobbing, it felt nice. It took a lot of restraint to not crush Kyojuro in my hold, I was still aware he was wounded.

He must have felt my hesitancy as he tightened his hold around me and with only a whisper in my ear saying, “Hold on,” he tilted us to the side to lay us down on the futon. I thought we were done talking about this, when Rengoku smiled against my scalp, “I will be with you in that future, I promise,” Laughing through the tears, I buried my face in his chest as I mumbled, “No more speeches or beautiful words, I will run out of tears,” He apologized quickly, laughing oh so beautifully as he held me there.

We stayed like this until dinner was ready. It felt perfect. I would have fallen asleep here and there if not for the many times he said, “Don’t fall asleep”

I had an excuse, fighting and crying were both exhausting, not that I would use those excuses. Instead I stayed awake, enjoying the warmth of his embrace.

We had to leave the futon to eat, which we did. It was followed by a walk outside like the first night I had spent with him, except this time we held hands right from the start. We did not say anything about it, simply enjoying one another’s company.

It was an eventful night, yes… But my mind was made up now, I was going to fight with all I had to make him smile the moment we realized we are in the future we have been talking about. It was going to be hard, but it was also going to be worth it to have him happy.

Tomorrow was going to be even more worth it after all the waiting we had done. I fell asleep with butterflies in my stomach thinking of the day to come; fireworks and the person I have been longing for were the perfect mix. Nothing could ruin it. I was going to make sure of that.