i am so fucking tired of living in a place where i am not safe. i can't believe i divorced an angry violent man just to end up living with another one. and i am so tired of being treated like my safety matters less than everyone else's in this fucked up situation. i wish i had anywhere else to go but i just don't. i can't afford it. i don't even know where i would go. the one person i would trust to protect me can't drive to me bc of his mom's surgery either. i'm about to be stuck here alone for a week with this angry man right after shit got so bad last night that two firefighters had to force him apart from everyone else until he left in an ambulance during a crisis bc he was showing clear signs of psychosis.
man i just want one week where nothing happens. if i am being really aspirational i would like to have the money to live alone again somewhere i don't live in a constant state of fear. while we're dreaming i would like a friend that considers my wellbeing important all the time and not just when it is convenient and extractive. i am so tired. and i really don't see a way forward. i know i need to finish my fucking degree but everything that comes after that is just a void of "find money to survive" and i have no concept of what i could even imagine a life looking like where i am happy or even just okay. there is no goal to work toward beyond just "live through this all for the sake of living through it ig" and man it's not motivating. every other time it's been "live to give my son the future he deserves" and now he's an adult and has the resources and stuff he needs and he's moved out and on his own and like. it's just me now. and there's not a lot left for me. certainly nothing that feels worth all of this but we persist ig.














