Wisdom

obviously how effective this is varies wildly based on the relationship, or lack thereof, that you have with the other person. but I find it effective with people who are In Your Life but don't meaningfully have any control over you. quite often it DOES result in increased directness in the future, especially if it's something I end up doing fairly often. and it's not rude; I'm just politely seeking clarification about what is being communicated. it makes the person have to think about what effect they were expecting their behavior to have on my behavior, and then just... tell me straightforwardly. but without escalating the situation or making the person feel 'called out' most of the time.

She frequently makes requests by telling me what I want, eg "oh wouldn't you like to.." "don't you think it's be nice if..."

It used to drive me up the wall, but now as an adult with better understanding of what's happening I say "Actually I'm fine with x, but I'd be happy to do y if that's what you want?"

One day she actually asked me, "Why is it so important to you that I say that y is what I want?"

and i got to say "Well I don't like being told what I want. I have enough life experience to know my own desires and limitations, and I can advocate for them when I need to. However your opinions do matter to me and I want to take them into account. It's much less stressful for me to do so when I'm not guessing what's in your mind."

And folks, she Actually Listened.

Later that day she wanted something that ended up not being possible, but because she said so directly I was able to help her find a different way to achieve the same goal!

She wants to learn photography. Do it stupid. Take a million photos. Don't think about why they're not good. Enjoy the process of taking photos.

Pick out tge ones you like the most and figure out why you like them. Is it because the subject is centered? Is it because you caught them doing something cool? Is it because the light made cool shadows?

I didn't understand the concept of Aromanticism until recently, because I fully thought that romantic attraction was literally just 'Friendship + commitment'. I just fully did not understand the concept of purely romantic attraction, because romantic, sexual, and platonic attraction are mostly just the same thing but in different amounts, right? ...RIGHT???

So I answered questions like 'would you kiss your friends lol' with an 'of course??? We're good friends??? That's just a side effect of being friends??? I like them, and that's WHY we're friends??? What do you mean you're only attracted to people with a specific list of physical traits? Isn't that completely irrelevant to attraction??

Before, I'd answer questions about 'am I asexual/aromantic' with some equivalent of Buddy, I ASSURE you, I am not. But uh. Apparently 'not interested in sex/romance' is not the only possibly qualifier for Asexuality/Aromanticism. Which has left me immensely confused, and questioning things I had not thought I would ever question.

So uhm.

on being yourself

1. It sucks so so so so bad but it’s worth it.

2. You can’t make the change overnight. This was a lifestyle commitment I made over several years (initiated by a dramatic conflict in my life that made me realize I hated the way most people behaved around conflict).

3. Prioritize your mental well-being in times of peace so you can be rational and calm in times of conflict. Practice listening. Practice breathing. Practice doing it scared. Practice clarity. Practice sincerity. Do those things in little ways so you’re ready to do it in a big way later.

4. You have to leave behind passive-aggression, sarcasm, clever retorts, and irony. (In favor of clarity; sincerity.)

5. Know your boundaries so you can hold them. Remember, a boundary is not “YOU can’t speak to me like that,” a boundary is “If you continue to speak to me like that, I’ll end the conversation here.” (About what you do, not about what they do.)