Girls listen Iâm never gonna write an au for Ilya and Shane I think but I will tell you about Nurse Shane and Hospital Security Guard Ilya. Please. Itâs a worm in my brain I canât get out.
Like the first time they see each other thereâs a code for a violent/aggressive patient (or parents cause Shane is a paediatric nurse naturally thank you) and Ilya is new and heâs the first security guard Shane has ever had be like actually helpful and able to deescalate and improve the situation.
They see each other a few more times around the hospital- Shane walks past Ilya on his smoke brake when helping the family out a patient he discharged into the car- at the hospital cafe standing behind him in line as Ilya is on the phone speaking quickly in Russia and orders some crazy sugar filled frappe and Shane has his usual long black. Passing each other in the hallway, Ilya coming to look at their duress alarms to make sure they work and like they donât talk- they havenât exchanged words really just thereâs so much. Looking. And Shane keeps- noticing his presence and Shane doesnât really get distracted like that. But there something about him Shane is in his orbit somehow but heâs all whatever heâs just handsome it doesnât matter Iâm busy ! And stressed !
But then they finally like have an interaction- night shift, Shane is at the vending machine at 3am in a thick jumper over his scrubs and itâs his third 12hr night and he usually resists the call of the vending machine but heâs allowing himself a snickers because the ward is heavy right now and heâs tired and heâs allowed to. Heâs getting better at allowing himself things. But then the stupid machine isnât accepting Apple tap and thatâs all he has his wallet is in his car and heâs not walking all the way over to the parking lot for that and who even has cash anymore and heâs just kinda staring at the vending machine mourning the snickers and sugar hit and like also willing the machine with his eyes to just work for him. And then he hears a âyou okâ behind him and he LEAPS in the air because whatthefuckwhatthefuck the hospital is so quiet at night really, but he must have been so focused cause he hadnât heard even a footsteps and he spins around and itâs him- Russian ? He thinks- security guard Ilya whoâs name he learnt in the coffee shop when it got called out and heâs so there and starting at Shane and when did the security uniform like get hot? And Shane is so tired please his body clock is backyards and he goes
âhuh?â And Ilya just grins and then laughs. âHmm ok. Are you lost? I think you belong down thereâ and points the direction of Shaneâs ward and Shaneâs still just kinda staring at Ilya (everywhere but his eyes) and Shane is a little confused because Ilya knows he works here and heâs allowed to be in the hallway and after a beat and lift of Ilyaâs eyebrows he realises he was teasing him. Making fun. Joking. So then Shaneâs like. âOh. Um. Hahahâ and Ilya just stares at him and nods. Then looks behind him to the vending machine and is like âwhat did it do to you?â And Shane is like âwhat do you meanâ and Ilya is like âyou looked very angry with this machine. Seems seriousâ and Shane huffs and then word vomits a bit because heâs tired and the only people heâs spoken to in the last 2 hours - is a 3yr old girl and a 6 month old little boy who didnât have much back to say than BAH - because he doesnât like the co workers heâs on with tonight, heâs not as comfortable with them and heâs exhausted so heâs really not feeling chatty but heâs pissed about the snickers and his heart rate is spiked from the fright of Ilya and suddenly heâs going on about his shift and âthe after hours doctor tonight keeps questioning me when I know what Iâm talking about and heâs the one that charted the incorrect dose- I was trying to help-â and then how âheâs really tired and hungry and his salad actually sucked and he couldnât sleep on his break and the 3yr old heâs looking after asked if he was 60yrs old and- thatâs not her fault ok but still, like 60? I use skincare!- and I just wanted a snickersâ and heâs been talking for like too long and his face heats a little cause he does that sometimes he really didnât meant to say All Of That maybe just âIâm good itâs fine manâ or something more normal.
But Ilya just, he just listens, intently, watching Shaneâs mouth and then he nods and is like âok I think I understand, we can fixâ and Ilya approaches the machine and puts his hand in his pocket and pushes some coins into the vending machine and the the snickers bar slowly juts out of its spiral and into the collection slot and Ilya takes it and just turns and hands it to him and smiles and says âgood luck with the little devils. Hope you winâ and Shane is kinda like so đŚ because Ilya who doesnât know him just- fixed a problem so easily and didnât look at him weird for the outburst and âlittle devils?â Shane finally asks as ilya has already started to walk away continuing his round and Ilya looks back over his shoulder and says âyes, the kids! Very cute but you know, little devilsâ and Shake splutters out a small laugh because he loves the sick kids he cares for, always, to the point where he worries over them too much sometimes, his work is kinda everything to him- but they can be little devils and it makes him genuinely laugh and somehow those few moments took some of the weight off his shoulders and huh. Huh.
And then after that heâs trying not to think about security guard Ilya who bought him a snickers because it was nothing if not just embarrassing for him but next time he sees Ilya at the coffee shop he canât help but approach him to offer to pay for his coffee since Ilya has bought him the snickers and he tries to explain that to him with heat on the back of his neck and Ilya stares at him and then the man just laughs and waves his hand at Shane and says something in Russian and then adds Shaneâs coffee order to his own and pays for both before Shane can interject and like ? That was not the plan!
And then itâs like slowly, Ilya is dropping coffee off for Shane at the ward and leaving snickers at the desk for him sometimes and Shane is like ! Angry because heâs like well itâs unfair I owe him and heâs doing it to like piss me off or make fun of me Iâm sure of it and then Ilya is trying to chat to Shane asking him stuff and Shane is always like ?? Why does he want to know so much I need to keep working heâs just annoying and his co workers are like đ Shane girl pls and heâs like shut up itâs nothing. And it isnât anything and Shane hates the attention itâs making him feel. Looked at. And then on a night shift one of the girls says her friend on another ward hooked up with Ilya and like itâs whatever he doesnât even care. At all. Itâs just annoying Ilya who likes to pester Shane and wonât let him pay him back itâs just a game.
But then itâs like his co workers are wolf whistling when they see Ilya come on the ward when Shane is there and someone draws Shane + Ilya in a heart on the whiteboard and Shane sees Ilya see it and he wants to fucking die because this is all so stupid and Ilya is just making fun and heâs fucking that girl who works in ED and Shane doesnât. Heâs - he doesnât do dates or. It doesnât matter because he doesnât see Ilya like that and it was never like that this is work and itâs stupid and heâs not going to be made fun of anymore. (Heâs not going to out himself out there to be hurt) and then heâs short and distant the next few times Ilya tries to interact. He gives him the snickers back he left him and forces money into Ilyaâs hand for the coffee and he doesnt really engage.
But Ilya just, doesnât stop? He keeps coming by and he doesnât say much or doesnât care when Shane just says âhiâ and âIâm busyâ he just nods and takes what interaction he can get and leaves if Shane says he has to get back to work and he never pushes and heâs still bringing Shane coffees but heâs leaving them hidden at the nurses station with Shaneâs name on them or making his co workers give them to Shane so Shane can try and pay him back and he smiles when he sees Shane and he hasnât bought him a snickers bar since the last time and Shane doesnât mean to but he kinda. He looks forward to seeing Ilya feels his absence on his off days and heâs on a fixed roster unlike Shane so Shane knows when he works certain days or nights heâll see Ilya and he - he looks forward to it but itâs like. A friend.
And thatâs cool Shane has some friends and Ilya is just a work friend like barely and thatâs nice. And they start to talk more and more, and itâs easy to talk to Ilya, he never means to but words just spill especially when itâs night shift and Ilya always seems to find him on a snack run to the vending machine or when heâs on a hunt for warm blankets from another ward. But he keeps his eyes off his and only on the really really bad shifts does he let himself look at Ilyaâs arms in his uniform. And then ok itâs been like 3 ish months? And Ilya finds out Shane doesnât pay for the overpriced closer carpark he pays for the one thatâs a fifteen minute walk away and Ilya is like why did you not tell me this ? And Shane is like idk? Cause why would I tell you where I park and Ilya is like itâs not safe when you finish late and Shane is like 8pm isnât late and Ilya is all itâs dark and cold and snowy! Not safe and then Ilya starts walking Shane to his car after day shift and they talk more and ilya always listens to Shane about his day, wants to know and seems to know the right things to say to the hard stuff or when itâs better to say nothing at all but just let Shane know heâs listening with a hum and Ilya becomes part of Shaneâs routine, finish work and walk with ilya to his car when heâs on shift. And he misses it on the days he isnât there and it doesnât really matter until Shane maybe starts picking up more overtime when itâs days Ilya is working and he tells himself itâs to save and itâs not like heâs doing much outside of work besides working out and seeing his parents twice a week for dinner and itâs not about Ilya.
But then- one night Ilya is lingering by the doors of Shaneâs ward to walk him to his car and Shane comes out maybe half an hour late and he doesnât expect Ilya there but he is and it makes Shaneâs stomach churn even worse because why did he wait? And Shane made him wait. And Shane doesnât have words for Ilya his mouth is shut and silent and he starts walking towards his car and he canât get a single word on his tongue. He hasnât stopped since he started at 7:30am and itâs 8:30pm and heâs peed once, had maybe half his bottle of water, half a protein bar and one single grape. Heâs starving and his feet hurt and heâs sure thereâs still vomit on his shoes and socks even and the back to base monitors were going off non stop today, chiming beeps and alarms and so many infusions on the ward so many fucking beeps and alarms and three rapids and a code on one of his kids who heâd ended up having to transfer to PICU and then a parent with a restraining order had tried to enter to ward and that had been a whole situation and there had been so much talking and fighting and frantic energy and Shane feels like a live wire shell. Heâs alert and awake and wound so fucking tights and heâs one more request of him from shattering into one million pieces.
His skin crawls with the day and heâs sweaty and stinks like hand sanitiser and his ears are still ringing with sound and his teeth are grinding and Ilya is just walking beside him and Shane canât even look at him and he wants to be alone and he wants to be ok and he wants quiet he doesnât know how to. He is almost at his car and Ilyaâs hand lands between his shoulder blades and Shane snaps away from the touch and Ilya is all wide eyed and quiet and heâs all âShane, hey, hey Iâm sorry I just- youâre shaking and quiet andâ and he looks worried, genuinely and Shane feels so fucking stupid and small and used- drawn of every recourse and ounce of empathy and focus he has and he feels empty empty and not belonging to himself and Ilya is looking at him with his stupid kind eyes and he doesnât know how to help himself after helping people all day and.
And then Ilya says the worst thing ever âare you ok?â His voice is so low and kind and hushed and just for Shane Shane himself and the tears finally fucking go and heâs crying and maybe laughing a tiny bit because he realises he still has a huge bluey sticker on the hip of his scrubs that one of the kids gave him and this is so stupid and embarrassing but work is so hard sometimes and Ilya is so kind with him and no oneâs asked him that that isnât his mum or dad in too long. And Ilya looks so confused and Shane wipes his face and he doesnât have words but Ilya is so- heâs always so and Shane does the worst thing ever and leans in and kisses Ilya with shaking hands and itâs a messy ugly tear wet kiss and Ilya is so quiet and then âShane-â and Shaneâs ears ring because fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuckkkk. What had he been thinking? That he could be some easy fun hook up of Ilyaâs? He wasnât easy or fun and he had tears on his face and Ilya maybe just pities him and heâs fucked up another connection- read it wrong again and he just thought maybe Ilya could help him forget or. And then Shane is like I gotta fucking go and heâs in his car and Ilya is speaking to him, not touching him but hands hovering near but Shane is Not! Listening to a rejection right now after the worst fucking shift in the last year maybe so he says âjust- forget all of it Ilya leave me alone pleaseâ because he doesnât know what do do with Ilya he never did and then he did the worst most stupid thing of all. So then heâs in his car and heâs gone. He showers and eats and sleeps and comes back to himself. He calls in sick for the third time ever in his career and sleeps and works out and sees him family and friends and goes back to work a week later. Thankful to be in a good swing of days off. And he guessed Ilya listened cause he fucks off, he doesnât see Ilya. Itâs six shift back and he hasnât seen him once and Shaneâs days feel empty and weird and he didnât realise how much space heâd made for Ilya.
Then his next shift it happens another code black and security gets called to ward and Ilya is there and Shane doesnât even really register it due to the intensity of the code and the family member who is causing a scene about their kids delayed surgery threatening to come back with weapons and âgetâ the nurses which - Shane isnât even sure how thatâs going to help the whole delayed surgery problem if thereâs no nurses to look after this guys kid but he doesnât seem to be that in touch with logic really but the yelling is grating and heâs escalating and Shaneâs stomach churns because he hates unpredictable people. Unpredictable, violent and stupid are the worst kind. And then the shouting is directed at him, a slur that doesnât really surprise Shane but makes him go hot in his ears anyway, to be singled out and then he blinks and his view of the man is blocked by a pressed white shirt and curls and Ilya. Ilya is talking to the man, low and clear and persistent and the man eventually concedes to Ilyaâs talking- agrees to go out for a smoke to calm down (Shane knows the police will be outside waiting for him) and then itâs all over and gone and he watches the man walk out with Ilya and he swallows and goes to the room to check on the kid and the mum and then answers the call light for his other patient because well, the work doesnât stop and heâs out the feeling of that manâs words in the pit of his stomach for later. When heâs alone. It shouldnât matter heâs been called worse. As least no one got hurt this time. Last year his co worker had been concussed by a kick to the head. He shouldnât be that upset itâs just words.
And then an hours passed somehow and theyâd kinda debriefed behind the nurses station. An older nurse- Lai calls the man a âfreakâ and pets the back of Shaneâs head and thatâs kind of enough. He loves lai. He also thinks she could have killed the man with her bare hands if it came down to it, sheâs scary as fuck. Seasoned and tough and mother of six. She brings Shane veggies from her garden patch once a month, a full basket in his work locker. Calls him handsome.
Shane is in the storeroom refilling the syringes from the large boxes of them (he gets teased for being âobsessiveâ about stocking but itâs a quiet calm task that can help him pull back to centre when itâs all too loud. The door to the store room is thick and keeps out most noise and is swipe access only. So heâs surprised when he hears the digital beep of the door and looks up to see Ilya. He stops what heâs doing and stares back at him with a handful of syringes and heâs so embarrassed. He feels- shame for the first time in Ilyaâs presence. For making things so weird. For his being weird.
They stare at each other (Shane at Ilyaâs shoulder, Ilya at Shaneâs face) and then Ilya âI uh- I wanted to- um, wanted to make sure you wereâ Ilya waves his hand and he presses his lips together and his voice is so serious. Shaneâs neck itches. âI know you said. I donât want to annoy you. I justâ he cuts off shaken again and Shane swallows.
âWe can um- you know we arenât allowed to, like actually. Put hands on peopleâ Ilya says and his accent is thick. Words more fumbled than usual.
âI did not want to offer a smoke to that I wanted to- for what he said to you. And also heâs an asshole. Horrible guy but mostly because of. You didnât deserve thatâ Ilya nods and Shane looks at his eyes for a split second and his fingers grip the stupid syringes so tight.
âOh. Um. Thank youâ Shane says and his stomach flips.
Itâs quiet again and then Ilya says âok. Wellâ and he nods and then âif you um- you know where the office is if you need meâ and he nods again and goes to step away and Shane says
âUmâ cause he doesnât want Ilya to go. But he doesnât know what to say either. So maybe âsorryâ and he exhales âabout the other night I got um. I was very- overtired overstimulated I wasnât thinking and sometimes I kinda shut down and uh Iâm sorry I made it weird. And like. Kinda just was so inappropriate with you. I appreciate you being nice to me. So Iâm sorry I got it all really wrongâ and ok. Shane hasnât meant to say that much, but thatâs always happening with Ilya.
Ilya is like âwhy are you sorry? I was the one who kept. I was always there annoying you and I know youâre busy and. I- when you. Um. When you kissed me you were very sad and not yourself and I was unsure what you meant. Or- what it meant and I didnât really understandâ
Ilya lowers his voice and his head âI like you. Very much. Shane and I thought. Well you rejected me and it is ok I understand you donât like me the same. I was ok with friends. But then I was confused when you kissed me so I thought maybe it was all- my brain was mixed up about it and you were very sad and quiet and I was, worried. But I am sorry. I made this. Uncomfortable for you here I thinkâ
And Shaneâs head is like exploding clean off his body, because likes him???????? Very much??????? Rejected ??????? Shane has been living in a different reality ????? Maybe ??? And heâs like âhuhâ mouth open and Ilya is like âoh my godâ I bought you a coffee like everyday for months and Shane is like ânot everyday!â And Ilyaâs like I drew a heart on the lid and Shane is like âI thought that was the barista!â And Ilya is like I bought you chocolate all the time too and Shane is like âwell I donât know I thought you were like teasing me?â And Ilya gives a long suffering sigh and is like âShane I walked you to your car, we talked about so much- Iâd tell you when my weekend was free and ask if you had plans and youâd always say oh yeah I need to workout and meal prep or see parents and then I got tired of being rejected I already felt like it was one sidedâ and Shane is like oh my god đł Iâm an idiot maybe so heâs like
âOhâ and Ilya is like âohâ and the. Ilya says âbut you kissed me but then told me to leave you alone and I was not sure what this meansâ and Shane nods cause yeah. âBut you sounded very- angry, so I thought I had made you annoyed? Maybe pitty kiss? I do know so I think ok I leave him aloneâ Ilya explains and Shane would like say something back he thinks.
âI um. I am free this weekend. Um. On Saturdayâ and like not really what he was trying to say but ok. And Ilya nods.
âI am also free on Saturdayâ Ilya says and Shane nods and thereâs so much more to try and explain about the kiss and about not letting himself see Ilya as anything at all and that he really didnât realise what was going on but, not here.
Ilya pulls out his phone and Shane says his number and then feels his phone buzz with a text and he smiles and Ilya smiled back and they are both just standing there and then Ilya says. âIâll see you at the end of your shift?â And Shane has missed Ilya walking him to his car so much and he says âokâ and Ilya says âokâ and stares at him in a way that makes his spine feel like champagne and then Ilya is gone.
Shane finishes sorting the syringes.
They go on a date on Saturday, a small quiet restaurant by the water and talk until it closes. Ilya kisses Shane after against his car in the quiet street until their lips are swollen.
They make a second date for the next afternoon. They going to the grocery store together because Shane needs to do his meal prep.
Ilya kinda just stays for the next three days after that
