Chaos, Love, and Bullshit

So much has changed since i last posted so many years ago. I met a girl, fell in love, had a child, lost the girl, fought like hell for the child, lost my fucking mind in the process, lost every possession and ended up in my car. Drove cross country to clear my head, stopped in a new town and stayed. Got the kid, fell in absolute love with my little minion all over again and he's all I'll ever need, apparently his mother couldn't say the same. Life is fucked up.

Apparently you, the consumer, don't realize that the term "Military Grade" is absolute bullshit. True military grade means you have to beat the shit out of it 3 or 4 times for it to turn on, or you have to fire pen flares at it to get it to ignite. Don't buy the hype, if you want some tough shit that will last, look for the items marked "12 - 36 month olds" because toddler grade is some next generation shit. Anything that can withstand a daily ass whipping by a 3 year old and still work the next day has my vote.

I guess I’m writing this here because I need to vent, or just talk, and I don’t care who listens. This past Saturday (March 7th 2015) my best friend was taken to the hospital with chest pains. His mother sent me a text saying that they were at the hospital because of this issue. I didn’t think much of it really. I sent him a text and posted on his Facebook wall saying “I hope you get to feeling better, I’ll see you when you get home bro.” But a short time later I got another text saying that they were flying him to Kansas City and he was on life support. I was so confused, he was having chest pains, why is he going to Kansas City? Why is he on life support? I packed up my car Sunday morning and drove from Joplin to Kansas City as fast as I could get there. When I got there, everyone was visibly upset and I immediately knew. I fell to the floor and started bawling uncontrollably. How could this happen, one of my best friends on this planet, a friend who I not only grew up with, but someone that I shared the same birthday with, someone who I rode with; A brother, my family, gone. They told us that they were going to take him off of life support Tuesday so they could get his organs ready for donation. It took everything I had to go into that room to see him. We all held on to each other and cried our lives away as we went back. 5 fully grown men brought to our knees in a matter of moments. We set there in that room with him and it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t my best friend. I kept waiting for him to sit up and say “I’m going to be fine guys, don’t worry.” But he didn’t. No matter what we did, he didn’t wake up. I don’t understand, and I don’t want to. I just want my best friend, my brother, I want him back. When the doctors told us that they couldn’t wait until Tuesday, they had to take him off of life support today, I felt like I got crushed into nothing. I didn’t know anyone could feel so low, and here we are, a room full of friends and family, feeling lower than low. It kills me, absolutely destroys me. Brad was fine, perfectly fine. The next thing I know, he is telling our best friend that he doesn’t want to die and he is terrified, then he’s gone. I’m so lost right now. Being here without you is destroying me. I feel so alone and so lost. I can’t be alone, I just can’t handle it. I close my eyes and you’re there, I lay down and I still hear your voice and see your face. I don’t want to believe this. No 25 year old on this planet should ever have a heart attack, there is no reason for it and I REFUSE to accept it. I miss you so much right now Brad, I just wish you were here with us. I’m so so so so sorry. We love you brother. We will forever miss you.

I just want you to sit on my face and let me call you pretty. Thousands of other girls would kill for that.