zuki

“they love me,” he’d say dramatically whenever fans gathered outside venues,

“you’re so full of yourself,”

“and yet you still date me,”

“somehow yeah,”

“see? love,”

he’d grin every single time, that little cocky and obnoxious grin, almost a little too confident

he had this bad boy image to the outside world, but the truth was that nobody got to see the version of ryul you did,

the version that sent you voice notes at three in the morning because he found a cat that looked funny, the version that begged you to do face masks with him, the version that laid on your lap while you edited content and complained about producers for hours, the version that secretly loved being taken care of

you worked because somehow the differences balanced each other out,

when he forgot to eat because he was locked in a studio for twelve hours, you reminded him, when you spent 40 minutes deciding between 2 nearly identical shades of pink lipstick, he chose one and told you they looked exactly the same, which usually started an argument,

“they do not look the same,”

“baby they’re both pink,”

“one is rose pink,”

“that’s just a different way to say pink,”

“get out,”

“this is my apartment,”

you genuinely hated him sometimes (in a loving way) he thought it was hilarious,

overall life was easy with him, at least for a while,

then came the show,

a competition series; multiple artists paired together to create performances, songs and challenges over several months,

it was huge, the kind of opportunity people waited years for, the kind of thing that could push an already successful career even further, the kind that had the whole industry in a chokehold,

you were excited for him at first, genuinely excited, because this was a huge deal after all,

he called you the day he got the offer and you remembered hearing him practically yell into the phone,

“baby we’re so back,”

“who is we?”

“me,”

“oh,”

“and emotionally, you,”

you laughed so hard you nearly dropped your phone and he spent the next week talking about nothing else,

ideas, performances, strategies, possible pairings, outfits, literally everything and when he found out he’d been partnered with djessy, he seemed even more motivated,

you knew who she was, everyone did actually, she was another rapper, super popular and so talented even people who have absolutely no idea about rap can tell she knows what she’s doing

she’s covered in tattoos, she’s cool in the effortless way people spent years trying to imitate (and fail)

ryul and djessy match in a different way, they looked like they belonged in the same world, something you tried not to think about,

at first, nothing really changed or at least not enough to matter, he was busy and you understood that, he had rehearsals, meetings, recording sessions, late nights in the studio,

you never wanted to be the girlfriend who complained every time her boyfriend focused on work, especially not when this meant so much to him, so when he cancelled date night once, you shrugged it off, when he forgot to call one evening, you told yourself it wasn’t a big deal,

when he responded 6 hours late with a quick ‘sorry baby studio was crazy today’ you convinced yourself that was normal too,

because it was,

right?

but then the little things started piling up, the good morning texts became shorter, the phone calls became less regularly, the random updates throughout the day disappeared completely and somehow djessy’s name started appearing everywhere..

“djessy had this idea for the performance,”

“djessy knows this producer,”

“me and djessy were talking about-”

“djessy thinks-”

“djessy said-”

djessy, djessy, djessy.

you hated yourself every time you noticed, because it wasn’t like he was doing anything wrong, he wasn’t flirting, he wasn’t hiding anything, he was just talking,

but after hearing her name for the 50th time in a single week, something uncomfortable settled in your chest,

one evening you were sitting together on his couch, your head resting against his shoulder or at least it should’ve been, instead he was scrolling through messages, barely paying attention,

“look,” you said softly, turning your phone toward him, “they finally approved the campaign,”

“mhm,”

you waited.. but nothing,

“ryul,”

“yeah?”

his eyes never left his screen and you stared at him, then slowly lowered your phone again.

“nothing,”

it was stupid.. such a tiny thing, but somehow it stayed with you the entire drive home, because 6 months ago he would’ve been excited, he would’ve asked endless questions, he would’ve celebrated with you but now you weren’t even sure he’d heard what you’d said, but still, you kept trying,

you sent him photos throughout your day, you called him first, you asked about rehearsals, you asked about the show, you listened to him rant about judges and producers and performance concepts and you supported him through everything,

because relationships weren’t always 50/50, sometimes one person needed more support,

you knew that and you understood that, you repeated it to yourself every single night, even when your messages started looking embarrassingly one sided..

even when dates got postponed again, even when he promised he’d call and didn’t, even when you sat awake at 2 in the morning staring at your phone like an idiot,

he’s busy, he’s stressed, he’s tired, he still loves you, he’s busy, he’s stressed, he’s tired, he still loves you

eventually the words stopped sounding reassuring instead they started sounding like excuses and somehow that felt feeling became more and more difficult to deal with..

the most ironic part is that the internet noticed before ryul did, which was honestly not even surprising at this point, it started with small comments underneath your videos,

you look tired :(

is it just me or does she seem kinda sad lately?

hope you’re taking care of yourself queen

where’s the smile???

at first you laughed them off, people online noticed everything, one different tone of voice and suddenly everyone thought your life was falling apart, but then more comments appeared, more videos, more clips, people making side by side comparisons from a few months ago versus now

you hated watching them, because they weren’t entirely wrong,

you looked thinner, your cheeks weren’t as full, the bright energy people always associated with you seemed dimmer somehow,

but even through all this, you still posted, still smiled, still filmed your morning routines and skincare videos and little shopping vlogs, but it felt like performing a character lately..

and the worst part?

you couldn’t even pinpoint exactly when things started feeling different, there wasn’t a huge fight, there wasn’t cheating, there wasn’t some dramatic breakup worthy moment, just a 100 tiny disappointments stacked on top of each other until suddenly your chest felt heavy all the time,

meanwhile..

ryul’s show was everywhere,

every social media app, every trending page, every clip, every interview and unfortunately every comment section..

djessy and ryul are carrying this season!!!

holy shitttt their chemistry is insane!!!

they work so well together

omgggg they literally look like they belong together

you stopped reading after that,

you told yourself it didn’t bother you and honestly? it wasn’t even the shipping comments, because you knew how fans worked, they shipped anyone standing next to each other,

what hurt was knowing strangers were seeing more of your boyfriend than you were..

they got new content every week, you got unanswered messages

one afternoon you received an email, a popular variety show wanted you as a guest and your first instinct was to tell ryul, to share this news with him, you even opened your messages, your fingers hovering over the keyboard;

guess what!!! i got invited to-

you stared at the screen,

then deleted everything, because suddenly a horrible thought crossed your mind,

what if he doesn’t care?

the realization made your stomach twist, so you didn’t tell him,

nonetheless you accepted the invitation, you showed up anx filmed the episode, smiled when the cameras pointed at you, laughed when everyone else laughed and went home exhausted afterwards

when the episode aired a few weeks later, the reaction wasn’t what you expected, people weren’t talking about your outfit or your jokes or even the stories you shared,

they were talking about how different you looked

she seems really low energy :(

is she okay?????

i hope she’s eating enough…

she looked so tired during this episode what happened???

you tried ignoring it, until your phone lit up with a message from ohyul;

ohyul: hey

ohyul: u okay?

you stared at the screen,

then another message appeared

woojin: hyul hyung showed me the episode

woojin: you look kinda sick ngl

woojin: come over tonight

woojin: we’re making dinner

before you could answer, another text followed,

woojin: and don’t say you’re busy

woojin: because i know that’s a lie

you laughed softly, for the first time in days

they’d always been kind to you, they treated you like family long before you and ryul became official. which made declining feel even worse..

you: i’m okay

you: promise

you: just tired lately

ohyul: bullshit

you: language

ohyul: come eat dinner

you knew exactly why you were saying no.. because ryul would be there.. and somehow seeing him felt harder than missing him, you couldn’t handle sitting across from him while he checked his phone every 5 minutes, you couldn’t handle pretending everything was normal while deep down you’re longing for something that’s not really there.. right now..

so you stayed home,

a week later filming finally paused for a short break, you were lying in bed scrolling mindlessly when your phone buzzed,

ryul: baby

you blinked,

then sat up when another message appeared,

ryul: miss u

ryul: want to hang out tomorrow?

your chest immediately tightened. because part of you wanted to cryc another part wanted to throw your phone across the room and another part hated yourself for still feeling relieved

you replied yes and the next day he picked you up and acted exactly the same as always, like nothing had changed, like months hadn’t passed, like you hadn’t spent countless nights staring at your phone wondering if he remembered you existed

he greeted you with a grin, kissed your forehead, stole your sunglasses, called you dramatic when you complained, took you to your favorite café, ordered your favorite drink without asking and everything felt painfully normal, almost enough to make you think you’d imagined everything

until halfway through the afternoon when his phone buzzed and immediately his attention shifted, just for a second, but you immediately noticed.. because lately you noticed everything

“what?” he asked,

you quickly looked away, “nothing,”

“djessy’s asking something about her verse gimme a sec,”

he squeezed your hand, smiled, and went back to talking once he was done and somehow that hurt more, because now you can see with your own eyes that this version of him still existed, he just wasn’t around anymore..

not around you at least,

when filming started again, things somehow got worse,

you didn’t even know how that was possible but he disappeared again,

longer gaps between replies, even shorter conversations, more cancelled plans, less effort.. less everything..

you stopped asking to see him first, stopped initiating calls, stopped expecting things because somehow it hurt less that way or at least that’s what you told yourself..

one evening woojin called unexpectedly,

“can i ask you something?”

“depends,”

“why is ryul acting weird?”

you froze, “..what?”

“nah i’m being fr,”

you heard voices in the background, probably the rest of their team,

“he’s been impossible lately,”

“maybe he’s stressed,”

“yeah but he’s also stupid,”

“that’s true,” you chuckled softly,

woojin continued, “why didn’t he invite you to dinner?”

your smile dropped immediately, “what dinner?”

silence, immediate silence that could literally cut through steel..

the kind that told you everything,

“..woojin?”

“shit,”

your stomach dropped, “what dinner?”

“there was a team dinner..”

you waited,

“..last week,”

you swallowed, “oh,”

“i thought you knew, everyone was there,”

and of course djessy had been there, everyone had, except you..

and that hurt more than if he’d intentionally excluded you, because it meant he genuinely hadn’t even thought about it..

a few days later ohyul texted asking if you wanted to stop by the company, he had some downtime before practice

you agreed, mostly because you missed having friends and you could use some ohyul jokes in your life right now,

when you arrived, ohyul was running late,

5 minutes, he texted, so you waited near one of the rehearsal rooms and that’s when you heard voices,

familiar voices,

ryul and ohyul

you weren’t trying to eavesdrop, you would’ve walked away immediately if it wasn’t for you hearing your own name..

“..i’m serious ryul,”

ohyul sounded angry, like genuinely angry..

“she’s not doing good,”

silence.

then ryul, “what are you talking about?”

“exactly what i said,”

another small pause,

“have you even looked at her recently?”

your stomach dropped,

“bro-“

“she’s lost weight,”ohyul cut him off immediately, “she looks exhausted all the time,”

silence.

“woojin and i literally had to text her because we were worried,”

more silence and your heart hurt instantly.. you felt heavy in a way you’ve never felt before

because suddenly you realized; he didn’t know, he genuinely didn’t know..

“she’s just busy too,”

“bullshit,” ohyul sounded furious now, “you’ve been so focused on this show that you haven’t noticed your own girlfriend falling apart,”

your heart started pounding so hard you could hear it in your head,

“that’s not fair,”

“really?”ohyul laughed bitterly, “then tell me the last time you took her on a date

silence.

“the last time you called her?”

silence.

“the last time you asked how she was doing?”

silence.

“bro when’s the last time you saw her smile..?”

you squeezed your eyes shut, because somehow hearing it out loud made everything real and for the first time since all of this started..

ryul had absolutely no answer

“you know what i don’t understand?”ohyul’s voice echoed through the room,

“what?”

“how literally everyone noticed except you,”

ryul sighed heavily,

you couldn’t see him but he looked exhausted, he had dark circles under his eyes, his hair messy from rehearsal, his phone still buzzing every few minutes with new notifications,

“bro i’m tired,”

“yeah? imagine how she feels,”

silence.

“you’re acting like i’m doing this on purpose,”

“i’m acting like you’ve been a shitty boyfriend,”

ryul looked away immediately, because that one landed hard,

“she knows i’m busy,”

“busy doesn’t mean absent,”

another silence.

“do you even know what she’s been doing lately?”

ryul frowned, “what?”

ohyul stared at him, waiting.. and when no answer came, his expression somehow got even more frustrated,

“exactly,”

“come on,”

“no seriously,”

ohyul sat forward, “do you know what projects she’s working on?”

silence.

“what brands she’s partnered with recently?”

silence.

“when’s the last time you asked her about her work?”

more silence.

ryul rubbed a hand over his face, the guilt was starting to creep in now.. slowly and uncomfortably,

“things have been crazy lately,”

“that’s your excuse for everything,”

“because it’s true,”

“and what’s gonna happen after the show’s over?”

“what?”

“you’re gonna wake up one day and realize she’s gone,”

that finally got a reaction, ryul’s head snapped up immediately, “she’s not gonna leave me,”

ohyul laughed, but there wasn’t anything funny about it, “you sure?”

the room fell quiet and for a moment neither of them spoke, then ryul shook his head,

“you’re making this way bigger than it is,”

ohyul looked like he wanted to throw something at him but instead he asked,

“how many hours a day are you spending with djessy?”

“what?”

“answer,”

“i don’t kno-“

“exactly,”

ryul groaned, “why are you bringing djessy into this?”

“because she’s involved whether you realize it or not,”

“she’s my team mate,”

“and?”

“and nothing,”

ohyul looked unconvinced and ryul continued before he could say anything else,

“we’re working together all day,”

“and?”

“and she’s helping me with the performances,”

“and?”

“and she gets it,”

the second the words left his mouth, ryul froze and so did ohyul..

the room suddenly felt very quiet,

“..she gets it?”

ryul immediately knew how bad that sounded, “that’s not what i meant,”

“really?”

“yes,”

“because it sounds exactly like what you meant,”

“dude-“

“are you hearing yourself right now?”

ryul sat back, frustrated and tired, his head hurt,

“i’m not saying she’s better,”

“good,”

“i’m just saying she’s there,”

the second sentence somehow sounded even worse and ohyul’s jaw tightened,

“and your girlfriend isn’t?”

“that’s not-”

“or have you made it impossible for her to be?”

silence,

heavy silence.

then finally-

“do you like her?”

the question hit the room like a bomb and ryul stared,

“huh?”

“do you like djessy?”

“no,”

“does she like you?”

“..no,”

“you sure?”

“yes,”

“because from where i’m sitting it looks like you’ve become so emotionally dependent on your teammate that you’ve forgotten you actually have a girlfriend,”

ryul opened his mouth, then closed it, because for the first time all day he genuinely didn’t know what to say

not because he liked djessy, but because suddenly he couldn’t remember the last meaningful conversation he’d had with you, couldn’t remember the last date, the last phone call, the last time he’d asked how you were doing,

outside the room, your vision blurred, you couldn’t stay there anymore, every word felt heavier than the last,

you didn’t even realize you’d started crying until you reached the hallway,

you wiped your face quickly,

just keep walking.. just keep walking,

you were almost at the elevator when a familiar voice called your name,

“yn?”

you looked up

woojin

his entire face lit up immediately and he walked over quickly,

“what are you doing here?”

before you could answer he wrapped you in a quick hug, the kind he’d always given, warm and easy, but also safe and for a second you almost broke down completely,

because somehow his hug felt more familiar lately than your own boyfriend,

woojin pulled back and froze once he saw your face,

his smile dropped instantly, “..hey,”

you looked away, wiping your face quickly,

“what happened?”

“nothing,”

“bullshit,”

you laughed weakly, the exact same word ohyul had used,

woojin’s expression softened,

“you look really pale,

“wow thanks,” you chuckled sarcastically,

“yn-“

“i’m okay,”

you weren’t but the problem was that you were too tired to explain why,

“did you eat today?”

you almost laughed, because apparently everyone was asking that lately,

everyone except the person you wanted to ask.

“i should go,”

“wait-”

“i’ll text you,”

you wouldn’t, both of you knew that, but woojin still nodded,

because he knew pushing would only make you leave faster.

you turned, walked toward the elevator, and disappeared..

a few minutes later woojin entered the practice room where his other friends were having their .. little moment,

“yo,”

neither of them looked up,

“weird question,”

“what?” ohyul sighed,

woojin frowned, “what happened with yn?”

the room immediately felt different,

“why?” ryul asked,

“because i just saw her,”

silence.

woojin looked between them, clear confusion on his face, “what?”

ohyul’s expression slowly fell, “..you saw her?”

“yeah,”

“where?”

“here in the hallway,” he pointed at the door,

another silence and he frowned again, looking between the other two guys, “yoo what is going on?”

ohyul closed his eyes, the realization hitting him immediately and hard..

“fuck,”

“what?” woojin asked,

ohyul looked at ryul,

then back at woojin,

then at the floor, like he was trying not to lose his temper.

“she heard us,”

woojin froze, “..heard what?”

“she heard the conversation,”

the room went completely still and ryul frowned,

“how do you know?”

ohyul looked at him like he’d lost his mind,

“because we were gonna hang out?”the words came out sharp, “she was literally here to see me,”

silence.

“you think it’s a coincidence she suddenly left?”

ryul opened his mouth, closed it like he was not even sure what to say before opening it again,

“maybe she didn’t hear everything,”

ohyul laughed, a short, bitter sound, “seriously?”

“i’m just saying-”

“you’re still not getting it,”

that one came from woojin and both guys turned toward him, woojin rarely got angry, which was exactly why the look on his face felt strange

“she looked awful,”

ryul frowned, “what?”

“she looked awful,”he repeated it, slower this time, “she looked like she’d been crying,”

silence.

“she could barely look at me,”

more silence.

“and now you’re sitting here talking about maybe she didn’t hear everything?”

ryul looked away, something unpleasant beginning to twist in his stomach,

“i didn’t mean-”

“then what do you mean?” woojin cut him off,

“because honestly man what the hell have you been doing lately?”

the question hung in the air,

it was heavy and unavoidable at this point,

“i’ve been working,”

“so has she,”

immediately, without hesitation..

“what?”

“she’s been working too,”woojin stared at him, “that’s not an excuse,”

“i never said it was,”

“then stop acting like it is,”

silence.

ohyul leaned forward, his arms folded now, anger written all over his face,

“do you know what she told us when we asked her to come for dinner?”

ryul shook his head, “she said she was tired,”

“because she was,”ohyul snapped, “because she’s been dealing with all this shit by herself,”

the guilt was getting harder to ignore now, harder to push away and even harder to explain

“you know what’s actually crazy?” ohyul continued,

“bro-”

“no,”he cut him off immediately, “what’s crazy is that strangers online noticed she wasn’t okay before you did,”

silence.

random people in comment sections,”

silence.

“her followers,”

silence.

“me,”

silence.

“woojin,”

silence.

ohyul’s jaw tightened, “everyone noticed except her own fk boyfriend,”

for the first time since the conversation started ryul had no comeback,

nothing sarcastic, nothing defensive,

absolutely nothing

because every sentence sounded worse than the last but none of it sounded wrong,

woojin shook his head, looking disappointed more than angry now, which somehow felt even more confronting,

“she always defended you,”

ryul looked up, “what?”

“every time,” woojin shrugged in disbelief, “every time we asked if she was okay,”

silence.

“‘he’s busy’”

another silence.

“‘he’s stressed’”

and another.

“‘he’s working hard’”

woojin laughed quietly, without humor tho,

“she made excuses for you before we even had the chance,”

something dropped in ryul’s chest, because he could actually hear your voice saying those things,

he knew you would and that’s exactly what made it hurt..

“and meanwhile?” woojin continued, “you’re forgetting to call her?”

silence.

“forgetting dates?”

silence.

“forgetting to invite her places?”

silence.

“forgetting her?”

that one hurt, because suddenly he remembered the team dinner, remembered seeing the empty chair, remembered assuming you were busy, remembered never actually asking..

the room fell quiet again and nobody was speaking,

nobody moving until finally ohyul stood up,

“you should probably text her,”

ryul looked down immediately, his phone already in his hand, already opening your chat..

already typing,

ryul: baby

nothing sent,

the message failed instantly and his stomach dropped,

he tried again,

ryul: where are you?

failed, again.

ryul: can we talk?

failed.

for the first time all day, actual panic started creeping in, it was small but definitely there

“her phone’s off,”

a manager appeared in the doorway, “ryul,”

nobody answered,

“ryul,”

he looked up,

“you need to go,”

his next schedule.. another rehearsal, another interview, another obligation waiting for him, but suddenly none of it felt important,

he stood slowly, still staring at his screen, still refreshing the chat, still hoping something would change

but it didn’t, outside the room he tried calling,

once,

twice,

three times.

but it went straight to voicemail, every single time.

“come on..”

the words left quietly, almost desperate and he called again,

voicemail

again,

voicemail.

again,

voicemail.

eventually someone called his name from down the hallway, telling him he was late, telling him everyone was waiting, telling him he needed to move and somehow that felt like the biggest slap in his face because for months you’d been the one waiting and now, that he finally wanted your attention..

you were gone.

the next few days were hell,

at first ryul kept telling himself he was overthinking, you just needed time, that’s all

you’d answer eventually because you always did, except this time you didn’t, his messages remained unread, his calls went unanswered and somehow every day that passed made the silence feel louder

the worst part was that he had absolutely no idea what to say anymore, every message sounded stupid.

ryul: hey

deleted.

ryul: how are you?

deleted.

ryul: can we talk?

deleted.

ryul: i’m sorry..

deleted.

sorry for what?

because there wasn’t one thing to apologize for, there were hundreds,

hundreds of little moments, little absences, little disappointments and none of them could fit inside a text message

meanwhile your account kept appearing on his feed, except now there was less of you, there were less stories, less updates, slowly fhere was less everything

a week ago you’d posted 3 times a day, now it was once, then every few days, then nothing.

and once again, people noticed immediately,

where is she?

hope she’s okay :(

miss your videos queen

taking a break?

he found himself checking your page constantly like some kind of addict,

refresh.

nothing.

refresh.

nothing.

refresh.

nothing.

at some point even others on the show noticed, they were backstage preparing for another performance when one of the guys looked over,

“you look like shit,”

normally ryul would’ve laughed but instead he just stared at his phone,

“thanks,”

“girlfriend?”

his stomach twisted and he looked away, which was answer enough

the other guy sighed, “that doesn’t sound good bro,”

“i know,”

“then fix it,”

if only it were that easy.. because every time he reached for his phone he froze, every time he opened your chat he felt sick, because he wasn’t sure he had the right to ask for your attention anymore

and that terrified him, so much

days passed and you disappeared completely..

no posts, no stories, no lives, literally nothing.

at first everyone assumed you were taking a break buf then people started getting worried and it didn’t take long before the articles started,

“concerns grow for lifestyle influencer yn after sudden social media absence”

“fans express concern over recent appearance””speculation surrounding influencer’s wellbeing continues”

ryul hated every single headline because he didn’t have answers either,

one evening he walked into the apartment and immediately found woojin,

“yo,”

woojin looked up, “what,”

ryul hesitated, which already felt strange because he never hesitated, not like this at least

“have you heard from yn?”

woojin’s expression immediately softened, then dropped questioning, “..no?”

something sank in ryul’s chest, “nothing?”

“nothing,”

he tried sounding casual buf obvious failed,

“not even a text?”

woojin shook his head, “last thing she sent me was a reaction pic,”

silence.

“like 2 weeks ago?”

2 weeks? 2 weeks? 2.. weeks..

the number echoed in his head,

and a little later he found ohyul, asked the same question but got the same answer,

for the first time a genuinely horrible thought crossed his mind, what if nobody knew where you were? what if you were alone? what if something actually happened?

the panic finally became unbearable and that same night he messaged your assistant, then your best friend, who was the first one to reply,

ryul stared at the screen reading the message over and over again,

friend: she’s okay

the relief hit immediately.. but followed by dread because there was more?

friend: she just wants space right now.

his fingers immediately moved,

ryul: why?

the familiar 3 dots appeared quickly,

friend: she didn’t want to bother you.

the words hit harder than any insult ever could, he stared at his phone, suddenly unable to move or even to breathe,

another message followed.

friend: every time i told her to talk to you she said you were busy

another;

friend: and every time i told her she looked exhausted she just brushed it off

ryul physically sat down, because he could hear your voice again, “he’s just busy, he’s stressed, he’s working hard, he didn’t mean it, he loves me..”

the realization felt unbearable because you never got angry, you never screamed, never even demanded his attention, you just kept making excuses for him until eventually there was nothing left,

his phone buzzed,

another message.

friend: and ryul?

friend: stop trying to figure out what happened.

friend: she already did

he frowned.

ryul: what?

the response came immediately,

friend: she spent months looking for answers by herself, she already forgave you

that was the problem..

his chest tightened, because he understood exactly what she meant, you’d created your own explanation, your own closure, your own reality, one where ryul wasn’t a bad person, one where nobody was really at fault, one where you simply weren’t meant for each other

because it was easier that way, easier than waiting, easier than hoping and easier than getting hurt..

for the first time since all of this started, ryul felt genuinely terrified, because people fought for things they still wanted, but acceptance?

acceptance was dangerous, acceptance meant letting go,

were you letting go..?

that night a message finally appeared, it was from you and his heart nearly stopped, he opened it instantly,

just one sentence.

you: i’m okay, don’t worry

that’s all, nothing else,

his fingers moved immediately.

ryul: baby

but before he could finish, another message appeared,

you: i just need some space

and suddenly he couldn’t breathe, because the message wasn’t angry or emotional, it wasn’t even sad?

it was calm.. horribly calm,

the kind of calm that only came after crying about something for so long you ran out of tears,

the kind of calm that happened when someone was already halfway gone,

the next morning he was standing outside your apartment, he didn’t remember driving there or making the decision, he just knew he couldn’t sit still anymore, after several knocks the door opened,

you looked surprised, but not shocked or emotional,

just tired.. so unbelievably tired,

“ryul?”

he hated how formal his name sounded, hated how distant and unfamiliar..

“can i come in?”

you hesitated but stepped aside, the apartment was quiet and he followed you inside,

he immediately noticed things, little things, things he would’ve missed before, things he couldn’t stop seeing now, the fridge; nearly empty, a few drinks, half a container of fruit but nothing else

his stomach twisted..

then the living room, shopping bags stacked neatly beside a shelf,

he frowned, “what’s this?”

you glanced over, “nothing,”

he looked closer, then froze, because every bag had his name written on it; birthday gifts, small things you’d bought over months, a hoodie he’d mentioned once, a vinyl record, snacks, little presents, all unopened and untouched

waiting.. waiting for a moment that never came, his chest hurt,

then he noticed the calendar hanging on the wall, covered in little pink hearts and stickers, at first he smiled because it looked exactly like something, you’d make, then he stepped closer and the smile disappeared,

date night, crossed out. movie night, crossed out. dinner, crossed out. aquarium, crossed out. café, crossed out.

dozens of them, months worth..

his vision blurred because suddenly every crossed out plan became real, every promise, every cancellation, every “next time”, every “i’m busy”, every “sorry baby”

all of it.. documented, sitting on your wall, proof he couldn’t ignore anymore,

slowly he turned around and you were standing by the kitchen, watching him.

“you kept track?”

your expression softened, not happily but more sadly, like someone remembering an old memory, “at first,”

at first.

the words shattered something inside him because at first meant eventually you stopped, eventually you stopped expecting him to come, stopped hoping, stopped waiting,

you looked away, staring down at your hands and when you spoke your voice was so gentle it almost destroyed him,

“it’s okay,”it wasn’t, but you continued anyway, “i get it now,

his stomach dropped, “get what?”

you smiled softly, the kind of smile people gave when they were trying not to cry, “we’re just different people,”

every word felt like a knife, “you have your world,”

another knife, “i have mine,”

another, “and maybe i kept trying to force something that wasn’t supposed to work,”

ryul stared, he was unable to move because now he’s here.. he realized what you’d done,

you’d spent months building this explanation, piece by piece, trying to make sense of the hurt, trying to make sense of his absence, trying to make sense of why someone who loved you could still make you feel so alone and eventually you’d found an answer, not because it was true but because it hurt less and somehow that realization hurts more than he could ever imagine, because standing there in your apartment, surrounded by unopened gifts, cancelled dates, all the empty spaces where he should’ve been,

ryul finally understood,

you hadn’t stopped loving him, you’d simply started teaching yourself how to live without him, you hadn’t stopped loving him, you’d simply started teaching yourself how to live without him,

the silence that followed felt unbearable and ryul couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t even look away from you,

because for the first time since all of this started he understood exactly how close he was to losing you,

and the realization was horrifying to him

“don’t,”

the word slipped out before he could stop it and your eyebrows pulled together slightly, “what?”

“don’t do that,”his voice sounded strained, almost desperate, “don’t decide that for me,”

you looked confused because you’d already accepted it, you’d accepted something he hadn’t even realized was happening,

“ryul-”

“don’t,” he shook his head immediately, “please,”

the word sounded pathetic, small and nothing like him, nothing like the cocky rapper everyone knew, nothing like the guy who walked into every room like he owned it,

because suddenly none of that mattered, not the music, not the show, not the career, none of it

not when he was standing in your apartment realizing he might’ve broken the best thing he’d ever had,

you stared at him quietly, waiting and somehow that was even more painful, because you weren’t fighting him, you weren’t yelling or crying, you just looked tired and ryul would’ve preferred screaming, he would’ve preferred anger, anything except this, anything except acceptance,

“i know what this looks like,”

you laughed softly, “do you?”

the question hit hard, because honestly? no, he didn’t,

not until now, not until the empty fridge, the gifts, the calendar, the silence, all the things he’d somehow missed, all the things he’d never noticed

“i was so focused on the show,” his voice cracked slightly,

“i know,”

“no,”he shook his head, harder, frustration building,

not at you but at himself, “no you don’t understand,” he dragged a hand through his hair,

already spiraling, already struggling to explain something he barely understood himself, “i got obsessed,”

the word hung in the air,

“every day was rehearsals and meetings and interviews and recording and planning and more rehearsals and more meetings and every day i kept thinking-“

he laughed bitterly, “i’ll call her tomorrow,”

your chest tightened, “ryul-”

“no i’m fr,” he kept going, the words coming faster now, like a dam finally breaking, “every day-“ another laugh, angrier this time, “i kept saying tomorrow,”

he pointed toward the calendar, toward all the crossed-out plans, “tomorrow i’ll make it up to her,” his voice cracked, “tomorrow i’ll take her out,”

another crack,”

“tomorrow i’ll call..”

another, “tomorrow i’ll have more time..”

silence.

“and then suddenly months passed,”

the apartment felt painfully quiet and you looked away first, unable to watch him because there was something so strange about hearing it out loud,

he wasn’t lying.. that was the problem, he wasn’t lying, he’d just forgotten, forgotten over and over and over again, until forgetting became normal

“i know i hurt you,”his voice sounded rough and raw,

“i know that,”

you looked at him again and what you saw made your chest ache, because he looked terrified.. genuinely terrified,

“but don’t tell me we’re not meant for each other,” he swallowed hard, “don’t say that,”

“why?”

the question came quietly, not cruelly, just honestly, because you genuinely wanted to know, you weren’t trying to win an argument, you were trying to understand,

“because that’s not what happened,” his answer came immediately without hesitation,

“then what happened?”

ryul stared at you and for a second he couldn’t speak, because how was he supposed to explain this? how was he supposed to explain that he loved you so much it physically hurt but somehow still managed to make you feel alone?

he stepped closer, slowly, carefully, like he was afraid you’d disappear or step away from him, “you think i stopped loving you,”

your eyes widened slightly, because that wasn’t what you’d said, but somehow he’d found the real wound anyway, the one underneath everything else,

“you think i stopped choosing you or i found something better,”

he stopped, “..or someone better,”

your gaze dropped immediately and that was all the confirmation he needed, the sight almost destroyed him because somehow after everything, after all these months, you still thought the problem was you.

“baby-“ his voice cracked completely, “look at me,”

you didn’t,

“please,”

slowly your eyes lifted and ryul’s entire heart broke, because there was still love there, still so much love, but there was hurt too and exhaustion.. and disappointment, the kind that came from trying for too long,

“there isn’t anyone else,” his voice shook, “there was never anyone else,”

you didn’t answer, which scared him because months ago you would’ve believed him immediately, months ago you would’ve laughed but now you just looked uncertain and that terrified him,

“you wanna know something embarrassing?”

you blinked, confused by the sudden question and he laughed weakly,

“i’m obsessed with you,”

you stared, “ryul

“no seriously,” he looked half crazy at this point, half panicked and completely unraveling, “i’m actually so obsessed with you,” another laugh, another crack in his voice, “you think i don’t notice things?”

his eyes scanned the apartment, “i know which makeup products are your favorites,”

you froze,

“i know which keychain goes on which bag, which pair of shoes you wear when you’re nervous,”he stepped closer again, “i know which hoodie you steal when you’re sad,”

another, “i know which side of the bed you sleep on when you’ve had a bad day and how you take your coffee, j know every single stupid little thing about you,” his eyes started watering and that shocked you more than anything,

because ryul never cried..

“you’re my favorite person,”

the confession came out broken, raw and super honest,

“you’re literally my favorite person on the planet,”

you looked away immediately, tears threatening, because part of you wanted to believe him, part of you always would, “then why did i feel so alone?”

the question shattered him completely, because there wasn’t an answer, not a good one at least, not one that could undo the damage, just the truth.. a horrible truth,

he hadn’t noticed, he’d been selfish, careless, thoughtless and by the time he finally looked up..

you were already drowning.

his hand moved to cover his mouth, like he physically couldn’t breathe, “i don’t know,”

tears finally slipped down your face, exhausted tears, not dramatic ones, the kind that came after months, months, months of trying and seeing you cry was somehow worse than anything else, because now he knew, he finally knew, this wasn’t one bad week,

this wasn’t one misunderstanding or one argument,

this was months of accumulated hurt sitting between you, months he could never get back, months you spent missing him while he wasn’t paying attention,

“i’m so sorry,” his voice cracked, “i’m so fucking sorry,”

and for the first time since entering your apartment, ryul looked genuinely scared, not scared of being yelled at or getting blamed, not scared of consequences..

but scared of losing you, scared that he’d realized everything too late, scared that while he was busy promising himself tomorrow.. you’d finally reached a point where you no longer needed him to show up at all,

for a long time neither of you spoke and the apartment felt too quiet, too full of things that should’ve been said months ago,

ryul stood a few feet away from you, looking completely lost and terrified and for the first time since you’d met him he somehow looked young, not the confident rapper everyone knew, not the guy who could walk on stage in front of thousands of people without blinking, just a 19 year old guy realizing he might’ve ruined the best thing that ever happened to him,

“say something,”his voice was barely above a whisper,

you stared at the floor, then laughed softly, not because anything was funny but because suddenly you didn’t know where to start, where did you even begin? with the cancelled dates? the unanswered messages? the nights spent staring at your phone? the comments? the loneliness? which part hurt the most?

you weren’t even sure anymore, “i don’t hate you,”

the words slipped out quietly and you watched relief flood his face, instant relief like he’d been holding his breath, like those were the words he’d been desperately hoping to hear,

until-

“that’s the problem,”

the relief vanished instantly, replaced by confusion, fear..

“d-what?”

you looked away because suddenly this was harder than you’d imagined, harder than crying, harder than being angry, harder than pretending everything was okay.

“i don’t hate you,”you repeated, “i’m not angry anymore,”

the silence that followed felt unbearable because ryul knew those weren’t good things, not anymore, not said like this,

“baby…”

your eyes filled with tears again and this time you didn’t stop them, you didn’t hide them, didn’t pretend,

“i was angry,” your voice shook, “for a long time,”another tear slipped down, “i was so angry,”

you laughed weakly, wiping at your face, “every time you cancelled,”another laugh, “every time you forgot,”

you sighed, “every time i sat there waiting for a text,”

ryul physically flinched and you saw it, but kept going anyway, because he deserved to know, “every time your name popped up on my phone i got excited,” your voice cracked, “and then it would be some 2 word reply,”

his eyes squeezed shut,

“or you’d promise to call,” another crack, “and then you wouldn’t,”there was a small silence, “or i’d tell you something important and you’d forget,”

you chuckled in disbelief, “or i’d see another clip of you and djessy,”

immediately his head lifted, “baby i swear-”

“i know,” you cut him off softly, “that’s not the point,”

but somehow that’s even worse, because even now you were still defending him, you looked exhausted, like someone who’d been carrying something heavy for too long,

“you know what the worst part was?” your voice barely rose above a whisper

ryul shook his head, unable to speak,

“i kept making excuses for you,”your gaze dropped to your hands, “i told myself you were busy and tired and that you loved me,”

his chest tightened violently,

“because i knew you did,” your voice broke completely, “but that made it hurt even more, because if you loved me…” you laughed weakly through tears, “…then why was i so lonely?”

the question shattered whatever was left inside him, because there wasn’t an answer, there never had been

only guilt and regret, only the horrible realization that you’d been suffering while protecting him from blame,

“everybody kept asking me what was wrong, your voice sounded distant now, like you were remembering something, “and every time i defended you,”you smiled sadly, “i got really good at it,” you chuckled softly,

ryul felt physically sick, because he could picture it, every conversation, every excuse, every defense, every time you’d chosen him, even when he wasn’t choosing you back..

“and eventually…”you hesitated, looking around your apartment, at the gifts, the calendar, the empty spaces, all the evidence, all the months and all the hurt, “eventually i got tired,” the words were simpl but they hit harder than anything else, because tired wasn’t dramatic, tired wasn’t fixable, tired was what happened after trying for too long,

ryul felt panic rise immediately, “don’t,”

your eyes lifted, “what?”

“don’t say that,”his voice sounded desperate now, completely desperate,

“why?”

because he knew, he knew exactly what came after tired; acceptance, letting go, moving on.

he stepped forward, then another, until he was standing right in front of you, his eyes were glassy, voice shaking, “because i’m scared,”the confession slipped out before he could stop it

you froze and so did he, because ryul never admitted things like that, never

“i’m scared,” he repeated, quieter this time, more honestly, “i’m really fucking scared,”

your heart cracked, because he looked terrified, like genuinely terrified, like the ground beneath him was collapsing,

“i know i hurt you,” his voice shook, “i know i did,”

tears filled his eyes and somehow that scared you too, because you’d never seen him like this, not once.

“it sounds like you’re already saying goodbye,”

your throat tightened, because maybe he wasn’t entirely wrong, maybe not goodbye but something close, something that looked like acceptance, something that looked like learning how to survive without him and the realization seemed to hit him too, all over again, because he understood you weren’t standing here wondering whether he loved you,

you’d already answered that question yourself, you weren’t waiting for reassurance anymore, weren’t waiting for explanations, weren’t waiting for him, you’d already started building a life around his absence, you’d adapted, the way people adapt to injuries, the way people adapt to loss, until eventually the hurt became normal, until eventually they stopped expecting things to be different,

ryul’s face crumpled, “baby..”his voice cracked completely, “please don’t be done,”

the words hung in the air,

nothing like him, nothing like the confident man everyone knew, just a terrified boyfriend begging the girl he loved not to give up on him,

“please,” another crack, another tear, “i know i don’t deserve that right now,”his chest rose unevenly, “i know i don’t,”

you felt tears sliding down your own face again, because for the first time.. he really understood, not just what happened, but what it had cost and standing there in front of you, looking completely shattered, ryul finally looked like someone who understood that losing you wasn’t a possibility anymore, it was something that had already started happening..

and he was desperately trying to stop it before it became permanent,

it was quiet again, the kind of quiet that hurt, the kind where every breath felt too loud, every movement felt too heavy,

ryul stood in front of you looking completely broken, for months you’d imagined this conversation, imagined what you’d say, imagined finally telling him how much he’d hurt you, imagined finally being understood, but now that it was happening, it didn’t feel good, it just felt sad

really, really sad.

“i’m not done,” the words left your mouth quietly,

and ryul froze completely because he wasn’t expecting that, he’d prepared himself for goodbye, he’d prepared himself for hearing that he was too late, that he’d ruined everything, that he didn’t get another chance.

your eyes stayed fixed on the floor, unable to look at him.

“i just…”your voice cracked, “…don’t know how to do this anymore,”

that hurt him more than anything, more than anger or accusations, because suddenly he understood, you weren’t leaving because you stopped loving him,

you were exhausted, you’d run out of ways to keep holding everything together by yourself

tears slipped down your face again, “i miss you,”

the confession came out broken and ryul physically felt his heart shatter,because you sounded so sad, so genuinely sad.

“i miss you all the time,”you laughed weakly wiping your face, “which is stupid because you’re not even gone,”

another tear, “you’re right there,”your chest tightened, “i see you online, i see interviews, i hear people talk about you, but somehow i still miss you,”

ryul’s eyes squeezed shut because every sentence felt like a knife, because he knew exactly what you meant, he’d been physically present in the world,everywhere,

except where you needed him,

you looked around the apartment, at all the little pieces of your life, and suddenly everything came pouring out, months of it, all at once,

“i’d buy things and think you’d like them,” your voice shook, “and then i’d realize i didn’t know when i’d see you next,”

his chest tightened and you pointed vaguely toward the gifts,

“those started as one thing, but i kept buying things and eventually i just stopped trying to give them to you,”

ryul looked over toward the bags, the evidence of all the moments he’d missed and the guilt became unbearable,

“i kept waiting,” your voice cracked, “for things to go back to normal and for the show to end so you’d have more time,”you sighed deeply,

the tears wouldn’t stop now, months worth of hurt finally surfacing, finally escaping, “and every time i thought things were getting better..” your shoulders shook, “..they got worse again,”

ryul couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t stand there listening, couldn’t stand there watching you cry not when he was the reason,

“baby,”his voice broke, “baby please,”

you shook your head immediately, not rejecting him but just overwhelmed,

“i tried so hard,”the words came out as a sob, your first real sob, the first one you’d let escape all day and it destroyed him completely,

“i know,”

“i tried so hard,”another sob, “i really did,”

your hands covered your face and suddenly all the composure disappeared, all the acceptance, all the calmness, gone, because underneath it all you were still hurt, still grieving and still heartbroken.

“i know,”

ryul stepped closer, very carefully like approaching something fragile, “i know,”

“i kept telling myself i could handle it,” your voice muffled behind your hands, “i kept saying it was temporary,”

another sob, “i kept saying you’d come back,”

that one broke him because he understood you’d spent months waiting for him, believing in him, trusting him, while he was too distracted to realize you needed him.

his own eyes filled again and before he could stop himself, he dropped to his knees infront of you,

he physically couldn’t stay standing anymore, couldn’t keep looking down at you, couldn’t keep pretending he deserved the distance between you,

your breath caught immediately because this was ryul,

your ryul, the cocky one, the stubborn one, the one who never bowed his head for anybody and yet here he was.

looking completely shattered,

you slowly lowered your hands and the second he saw your face, all red eyes and tears and exhaustion, he almost cried again, because this was what he’d missed, not the crying, not the pain, but the fact that he should’ve been here, months ago, the first time you cried,

the second time, the third, all of them, he should’ve been here,

“i’m so sorry,” his voice shook violently, “i’m so sorry,”

again and again like he couldn’t stop saying it, like he needed you to understand,

“i know that doesn’t fix anything,” another tear slipped down his face, ““i know it doesn’t, but i need you to know i see it now,”

his hand moved, hesitating and waiting, only touching yours when you didn’t pull away,

“i see all of it,” his fingers tightened just slightly, he sounded devastated, genuinely devastated, it wasn’t defensive or angry, just devastated..

“i see it,” his voice dropped to a whisper, “and i hate myself for it,”

immediately you shook your head, “don’t,”

because despite everything, despite all the hurt, you didn’t want that, didn’t want him destroying himself, didn’t want him suffering, you just wanted him back.

and somehow that realization hurt too, because after all of this, you still loved him,

ryul let out a shaky laugh, one full of tears, full of disbelief, “you know what’s insane?”

you looked at him, confused,

“after all this you still care,”

and for the first time that day something softened between you, not fixed or healed, just softer, because maybe the love never left,

maybe it just got buried, buried underneath loneliness, underneath disappointment, underneath months of hurt,

but it was still there..

and ryul looked at you like he’d just realized he’d been given something he didn’t deserve, something precious, something he almost lost forever.

his thumb brushed gently against your hand, like he was afraid you’d disappear,

and when he spoke again his voice was barely a whisper,

“if you’ll let me..” his eyes filled once more, “i want to earn my way back,”

not fix, not erase or pretend,

earn

because for the first time, he finally understood what he’d broken,

and for the first time, he was willing to take responsibility for putting the pieces back together.

mlist ツ