Eliza

i have a very special scenario in my head of shane who is used to feeling like this and finding a quiet place to assess what tf is happening to him rn so he can decide if cold water on his face or hospital.

(not even considering the fact that hiding away while potentially having a life-threatening allergic response is an AWFUL move).

and i am especially endeared by the idea of it going from him going off and doing this by himself to ilya clocking him leaving the room in a way that says Not Okay and following him and the two of them in just a quiet little pocket of space together, with shane having already handed over his auvi-q (the version of an epipen that fits in a suit pocket) just in case.

OH MAN in vegas, ilya canonically was freaking out ahead of time in anticipation of seeing shane again, so i posit that he was denying that he was freaking the fuck out and was trying to lie to himself and say it was just low blood sugar, so he grabbed something from craft services backstage.

and it's fucking. peanut butter crackers.

THIRD OPTION: EXTREMELY UNFORTUNATE TIME TO PURSUE FINGER SUCKING AFTER ILYA WAS PICKING AT THINGS DURING THE WAIT FOR SHANE TO SHOW UP AT THE PENTHOUSE BUT ALSO DRINKING VODKA SO SHANE DOESN'T SMELL IT ON HIS BREATH

OH MY GOD I DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE WAS THE ONE WHO FOUND HIS MOM

AND THE FACT THAT THIS IS PROBABLY SO EXTREMELY ON HIS MIND GIVEN HOW CLOSE HE IS TO GOING BACK FOR THE SUMMER AND THE MEMORIES THAT WOULD HAVE ALREADY DREDGED UP

oh my god WAIT

ilya who remembers when the responders who came to the house took his mother away, and he never saw her again, and it's totally irrational, but he manages to get shane's epipen and help shane use it, and then he helps shane get dressed so he can get to a more neutral area before he calls for an ambulance, and he's SUPPOSED to leave. he's going to leave. it's just going to cause some uncomfortable ass questions if he doesn't leave and has to come up with a story about why he was with hollander and why he's with him now and why he still hasn't let go of him even though he has him back in his room now.

and yet.

again: IRRATIONAL. he KNOWS it's irrational. but there's a part of him that's still thinking, "if i let them take hollander away right now, then i will never see him again." because he's BEEN HERE before. and it doesn't make sense, but trauma and fear NEVER do.

so ilya ends up going with him.

and listen. shane atp?? nauseous, still can't fully breathe right, still not fully present. in his right mind, he'd be sending ilya the FUCK away because embarassing and also doesn't want questions. but in this moment?? can't feel anything but relief when he climbs in the ambulance with him to ride along because he's at least someone familiar in the middle of all of this.

and then at the hospital, they get shane stable and ilya should go. he should totally go. he knows he should go.

and yet he doesn't. he's already here. there's already going to be questions. it's a little bit reckless and a little bit fuck it, but the damage is already done. might as well stick around until he can be sure that shane is actually okay. it's not like he's going to sleep tonight after this because jesus FUCK.

and texts keep coming through on shane's phone, but shane is sleeping, and ilya keeps seeing "Mom" and "Dad" pop up over and over and over because obviously the hospital contacted them. and ilya KNOWS he shouldn't answer. but shane can't do it right now, and there's parents worrying about him, and won't it just stress him out if he wakes up to thirty phonecalls-

and on call number thirteen from Mom, he picks the phone up and answers.

and yeah yuna is confused as FUCK why ILYA FUCKING ROZANOV is answering her son's phone after she got a call that shane had been admitted to a hospital because of an allergic reaction, but she also doesn't have a lot of other fucking options for getting updates on her baby, so fine. talking to this cocky ass kid it is.

except...he doesn't sound cocky? he actually sounds...almost sweet? he's answering questions as best he can and even tries to read some stuff in the notes the doctor left guided by what yuna tells him to look for. and she's on her way to the airport right now to get there and asks ilya to tell shane that she'll be there as fast as she can because he hates being in the hospital by himself, and in a moment of TOTAL fucking impulse ilya says he'll wait.

and he does.

the first time yuna and ilya meet face to face outside of that first elevator scene is when yuna finds him by her son's bed in the hospital keeping him company so he wouldn't have to be alone.

yuna hollander is going to unknowingly begin shifting the hollanov rivalry narrative years early because that ilya rozanov doesn't seem so bad after all, and her shane deserves another friend. so! fuck the league and the media and the fans!! she's going to make it happen!!! she is going to encourage shane to build this friendship, and she is going to ask after how ilya rozanov is doing during her calls with shane, and she is going to get them an ad campaign together to repay ilya!

i canNOT remember their names, but i saw a video of two hockey captains who have an ongoing bit of doing rock, paper, scissors with each other after games to see who loses and has to get off the ice first, and i feel like that's the shit shane and ilya would be pulling in this situation. like they are still SO fucking competitive with each other and anyone can see that.

but they're also the kind of competitive that has people taking surreptitious video clips of them chirping the FUCK out of each other while playing pool at a bar after a game together.

they're already using first names. if The Vegasing wasn't enough, ilya gets invited to go get dinner with shane and yuna after their commercial shoot together (because yuna was already going to invite him, but now that she has a different frame of view for him, it registers for her that he's always done these shoots and events on his own, and the idea of him going back to a hotel room by himself (lmao yuna) while she and her child go get food together is sad), and yuna has already decided ilya is Same Age As My Child Shaped before he's anything else so 0 chance she isn't first naming him now, and if his mom is already doing it...well...shane might as well.

(really man got speedrun through Worst Case Scenario vis a vis allergies and is a little scarred but shhh it's fiiiine)

like maybe it becomes a Thing that ilya will get dinner with them when they've travelled to see a game shane is playing against ilya (not knowing at all that this very sweet inclusiveness IS cutting into their fucking each other's brains out time), and I'm just 🥺 imagining them watching ilya for the first time leaning over to look at some tiny ass print on a menu about allergens for shane because he didn't bring his glasses and the restaurant is dark (picked for privacy), which is NOT helping

OH MY GOD

ilya and shane end up having their "what are we?" talk because yuna and david are trying to save shane from heartbreak by gently and casually asking who ilya is seeing because they heard so and so was pictured with him but haha that boy does have a reputation. god love him, but he really does love to sow his wild oats.

and shane does get a lil jelly because it comes up over and over and ends up just mentioning it to ilya the next time they see each other because ilya could tell he was upset and atp they do know each other pretty well

and they end up having a "what, you want me to not sleep with other people?" "do you not want to sleep with other people?" playing chicken standoff until one of them folds and now the cards are on the table and tbh?? they see each other not infrequently, and they already hang out at places together and it's not world shattering news if they're seen getting dinner together because the friendship narrative is already so established. so yeah. let's do it.

OH NO THEY HAVE A JOKE ABOUT BEING BROS

like they get a lot of coverage as friends, so the joke is like. them fist bumping after sex because yeah. just bros being bros.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY this means that shane (who wanted to come out before dropping the "I'm dating ilya" element) calls ilya, puts him on speaker, goes, "ilya, are we dating?" and ilya goes, "what?? no, of course not. we are just bros, hollander. don't make it weird."

I have only two emotions (careful fear and dead devotion) | Hollanov | E | WIP - 24 Ch

Shane disappears from the hockey world between the prospect cup and the draft.

Years later, Ilya ends up playing for Ottawa anyway.

teen and up | chapter 11/11 | 3.5k

tags: Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander & Rose Landry, Shane Hollander, Hayden Pike, Ilya Rozanov, Rose Landry, Alternate Universe - Firewatch Fusion, Firewatch Shane, Coming Out, Shane needs a break, Introspection and Citation Writing, Good Friend Hayden Pike, Old God Ilya Rozanov, dream-related weirdness, spooky vibes, all-around uncomfy shane hollander, prophetic dream smearing, shane's brain is melting and his bestie is just sort of vibing about an hour away, Red String of Fate, Soulmates

And that was that. Ilya’s feet are his feet. They do as they like. And what they like, currently, is traipsing through the cold, charred remains of the forest he once so lovingly cradled in his care. Technically, it’s still his. He can still come back any time, command it at any time, lay on the ground and feel the bugs chittering below the soil any time he wants. He can wait patiently for the trees and bushes to regrow, for the animals to return, for the rains to refill the rivers and streams. But he designated a proxy for a reason, and so here they are for the final severance.

But for Ilya? The man who watched his father’s love kill his mother? The man who watched his brother’s love beat down his sister-in-law? The man who has only seen love destroy the object of their affection and who was told since he was a small child that it’s his greed and want that destroys and brings shame to the family? The man who loves so desperately and deeply that he moves countries and gives up everything he’s built for the chance at a real, stable love? It’s his actual nightmares come true. Other people think that Shane is worse for loving him. They consider his love a humiliation that Shane endures. (I mean, they don’t see it as love, they see it from a toxic masculinity framework where sexual relationships indicate only submission/subjugation.) they use his love for Shane as a way to take away everything Shane cares about; as a way to make him small and isolated and alone.

Okay so the inverse of this is that maybe also being queer Saved Ilya’s life. Do you guys know that quote from Ocean Vuong?

In the world where Ilya faces the messaging that it’s love that destroys people when he’s a kid (bc he sees his parents’ relationship called love, and he sees the relationships his brother had with women called love and he knows that his love for his mother didn’t save her and hers for him wasn’t enough to make her stick around) it’s equally possible that he gets to see queer love as totally opposite from that. Maybe he builds a strong foundation trusting in alternative systems of love? Maybe the horror he experienced was survivable bc he knew the secret that his parents and brother and Russia didn’t- that the is another form of love that’s good and wholesome and true. And so he’s capable of loving Svetlana in a queer platonic way and he’s able to throw off the shackles and choose joy and freedom by showing love to Sasha. He can choose another way to love his brothers with how he shows his love to his teammates (the I love yous after the games).

Maybe that’s why we never see him doubt his queerness or see shame in it the same way Shane does. Maybe queerness was his salvation long ago and by being with Shane truly the only problems are logistical ones. And the logistical ones are there, we can’t deny that. But maybe we get to see that for him loving Shane was always salvation. It was never anything other than life-affirming, joy-inducing, safety-in-another-person’s-arms, love.