She drowned in moonlight, strangled by her own bra.

But.

I need to complain about a customer service experience I just had, and I don't want to complain at the customer service rep because it's not her fault. She's just following a script.

So, yesterday, I decided to order a couple of bras. I needed to do some searching for a place to order from because between being in my 30s and whatnot my boobs are a bit bigger than they used to be and the size that I allegedly wear right now (according to the A Bra That Fits calculator, which has been correct the last few times I used it) is not on shelves in any stores near me.

So I found a site for a store that is based in my state and has been around for over a decade and has some decent reviews, and I ordered two bras that were on clearance. Spent about $50.

Then I got an email that oops, one of these bras is actually out of stock. Here's a $5 discount that expires in 30 days, plus a voucher for the cost of the bra so you can pick out a new one from our site.

Which I am just so unbelievably annoyed by.

Like, I paid you money for a product. You have discovered that you are not able to provide me the product. Just give me my damn money back.

The assumption that this money is now money that I MUST spend at YOUR STORE SPECIFICALLY is just so incredibly entitled.

(Nevermind the fact that I am unlikely to find another bra with that exact same cost, so in reality I am likely to end up either leaving money on the table or having to spend a bit more, which is also shitty.)

I click the "Contact Us" link in the email and it opens their customer service page on their site and the first thing it wants to do is offer me an AI bot to talk to, which I absolutely do not want.

It takes some digging to find an actual form to fill out to contact them. I fill it out and write a polite email basically saying "Hey, this happened, and I was offered this voucher, but I would prefer a refund please."

That was last night, I hear back today, and the response is a polite script with a bolded sentence saying "Since you don't want to replace the set with the provided voucher code, I am refunding the money back to your card."

Which, fine, yes, is the outcome I wanted.

But also.

It is not even necessarily the case that I am averse to replacing this with another item from their store. I just object to the assumption that money I spent at your store must still be spent at your store even if you're not able to provide me with the thing I spent it on.

And it took time and effort for me to find the form to contact them to request a refund.

It would be one thing if the initial email informing me of the stock issue was like, "Here are some options: Voucher code, refund, same bra in this other color." That would be fine. But this wasn't that.

How much money do they make per year off of people failing to use these vouchers in full or spending a bit more money on a different item in order to use the voucher?

And now no matter how much I like this bra, I don't think I'll want to order from this company again just because of what feels like a slightly shady business practice.

Theoretically, this one is the same band size and one cup size up compared to the one that I've been wearing for the past year or so.

In practice, the band is FIVE INCHES SHORTER than the one I've been wearing.

The website has a button about returns and exchanges, but when I click it it just brings me to a page telling me about what it costs to return something (free if you join their VIP program, or $6 otherwise) and nothing about how to actually initiate a return. So I have emailed their customer service people again to ask about initiating a return and they'll get back to me in 1-2 business days.

And going back to my previous point about how much money they make off of their shitty policies, I can't help wondering how many times this horrendously miscut bra has been shipped out and returned and they've made $6 off of it.

We will no longer be purchasing the feed corn for our heating pads from Tractor Supply Company.

We have purchased all of the corn that fills our heating pads from TSC since 2017, but given this... uh... statement... we will no longer be doing business with TSC in any way. The idea that "rural values" preclude the existence of our embracing of minorities and queer people is profoundly ridiculous.

Our company's rural roots are strong: Jake & Spider grew up in NE PA's coal country on a dirt road & in a house heated by a wood stove. We are the descendants of immigrant coal miners and farmers. Our great-great-grandfather put up a swing in the middle of the single room of their Northwest Territories home because it was too cold for our great-grandmother to go outside to play. Our grandfather was a breaker boy. Our cousins still raise corn and pigs in Iowa. And that's just Spider and Jake!

Painting "diversity" as alien to rural values is not only incorrect, it's insulting to everyone who lives in a rural area who isn't white, cishet and Christian - and there are an awful lot of us. This is, of course, the point. They've decided that it's fashionable to turn away from us, to make clear No Queers Allowed, and so it's only right that we return the favor.

i buy my pet supplies there.

i have to write them a letter now about why i will no longer give them my business.

Tractor Supply Company Attn: Customer Solutions Center 5401 Virginia Way Brentwood, TN 37027

877-718-6750

"I recently shopped in your store, and was impressed by the quality and variety of products available. I was expecting to return and purchase similar products and materials.

The recent statement regarding DEI, carbon emissions, etc has changed my plans. I cannot support a company that doesn't believe I belong in the communities they serve.

"Hello,

I was excited when a Tractor Supply Company opened in my community earlier this year, and I enjoyed shopping for new plants for my garden in the spring. However, following the recent statement on discontinuing DEI initiatives, withdrawing carbon emissions goals, and no longer supporting Pride, I will not be shopping in your store again in the future. I am queer, and your position on Pride makes it clear that I am not welcome in your store. I am a parent, and your position on carbon emissions means that you are not doing your part to protect our climate for future generations.

I hope you will reconsider your position. Community values require valuing all members of the community.

Sure, it’s satisfying to send the hypocrites and the assholes to hell. And it’s nice to see the ones who thought they were beyond redemption walk through into paradise.

So yeah, it has its perks. But not exciting. I mean, after the first million souls or so they all blur together, you know? You never get anything new. Animals all get sent right on through automatically and there’s nothing other then humans in our jurisdiction. Oh sure, there’s life other then humans. But that’s no my department.

I keep tads on humans on my lunch breaks. You’re a damn fascinating species, better then anything your “television” puts out. Although The Good Place was a little too relatable, I’ll give you guys that.

Anyway, one of my favorite things you guys came up with was the Space Race. I mean, what a nail biter! And it was so tense up until the end. Pity about those Apollo one guys, though. But I heard they got a kick out of watching the moon landing when it did happen.

Course, that sorta died down after a decade or so. Don’t know why you guys quit going to the moon.

And then you decided Mars was the place to be and started sending out all those rovers of yours. Not nearly as exiting as going yourselves, but as you all like to say, baby steps.

The rovers were surprisingly fun to watch. For mindless robots, they’ve got a lot of spunk. So I’d check in every once in while, but mostly I watched Earth. You guys had figured out how to work memes and it was a very amusing thing.

I was half way through a shift when it go here. I have no idea why none of the others I processed mentioned the thing, but death is confusing enough I guess.

It shouldn’t have been there. I want to make that clear, by no law of the universe should that thing have had a soul. You humans are where closer to making actual AI then you are sprouting wings. And you never even tried with this! Its job was to collect rocks!

And yet there is was, beeping up at me.

It didn’t look like a human soul. Or any other form of life that I had ever seen. It wasn’t damaged at all, or even afraid. That was the weirdest thing. You humans are always scared shitless by the time I see you. But this thing wasn’t. Even a little. It was just… curious. Like that’s all I could feel from it. Pure wonder.

I blinked a bit before flipping through my files, seeing if it was a new species or something. I found nothing, of course. Those idiots over in records never give us anything useful.

So I did the only thing I could do. I asked its name.

Now, you humans have come up with so many ways to say the same thing that I’ve had to learn a lot of languages to keep up. The newest was binary, which I never expected to actually need.

It came in handy, since that’s what the thing answered back in.

01001111 01110000 01110000 01101111 01110010 01110100 01110101 01101110 01101001 01110100 01111001

Opportunity.

I remembered that name. It had popped up in new reports regarding a Mars rover that went out of commission, sending the final message “my battery is low and its getting dark.” before dying.

Humanity had cried over it for a solid couple of days. You guys really like personifying objects.

But I had dismissed it as just that. But here it was. Waiting patiently for me to send it On.

I could just opened the gates and sent it through and put from my mind. Make the thing some else’s problem.

I didn’t.

I stood, crossed in front of my desk, and put out my hand to touch the strange soul.

Opportunity didn’t feel human. Nor animal. It felt…. simple. Calm.

I could feel an awearness of the love its chief engineer had felt for it. The pang of missing the workshop back on Earth where it had been built, during long nights on Mars.

It had dreamed. Dreamed of humans making it to Mars and finding it. Of it’s engineer taking it home and repairing it. Dreamed of exploring Earth as it had Mars.

I could purpose, and curiosity in its mission. Lonely as it was, it never doubted its purpose or resented its lot in life. It got to learn, and to see what had never been seen. What more could it ask for?

I could feel one tiny spec of fear. Near the end of its life, it realized it would never go home. Never see Earth or its engineer again. That it would die alone on Mars.

And like all things with a soul it did not want to die. It cried and mourned and begged to live. It was alive! It had a home and it wanted to go home! So badly did it want to go home.

But there was nothing to do, of course. Even its engineer, whom it loved so dearly, couldn’t reach Mars and bring Opportunity home.

It had watched one last sunset, and sent one last message.

A goodbye. And a plea to be mourned, if it could not be saved.

I withdrew my hand and looked over the soul. It looked up at me.

For the ones that I send upstairs, I take the form of whoever loved them most in life. I guess in that moment, I was in the form of an engineer at NASA. Opportunity seemed delighted to see me.

“Welcome home,” I gestured to the gates that swung slowly open behind me. “I missed you.”

It beeped out a single phase, 01001001 00100000 01101101 01101001 01110011 01110011 01100101 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110100 01101111 01101111

I missed you too.

- Has been sued for copyright infringement for a ‘blasphemous’ musical rendition of a monologue from the 1950s

- He was on a plane with U2′s Bono and his family, and the plane was shot by the Jamaican police, who believed they were smuggling marijuana. He wrote a song about the incident.

- He’s actually a singer, and his better known song in called MARGARITAVILLE. He also owns the Margaritaville Cafe restaurant chain. And has licensed Margaritaville Tequila, Margaritaville Footwear, and a Margaritaville Foods. He owns the Margaritaville Casino, has released a “Margaritaville Online” game, and he wrote and starred in a musical called “Escape to Margaritaville”

- He also wrote a song called “Math Suks”, which was condemned by the US National Council of Teachers of Mathematics for its alleged negative effect on children’s education. 

- He was thrown out of a basketball game he was watching for using blasphemous language in front of kids.

- And he was detained by French customs for allegedly carrying over 100 pills of ecstasy. Although he was released after paying a fine, and, according to him, the pills were a B-vitamin supplement.

seriously? Bars have events where they play his entire music career and it lasts until the bar has to close, without repeating.

They usually decorate the bar to look like a tropical beach. If they trust their regulars they’ll even dump some sand in the corner with a plastic palm tree for pictures.

Jimmy Buffett

(It is so much better than plain curd rice trust me)

Ingredients:

Rice: Enough to get however many servings you need. You need to pre-cook it for this, preferably with salt. If you are used to the non-sticky kind, add more water than you would usually add. This recipe is perfect for using up plain leftover rice, the kind you'd eat with a curry or gravy. For the variety I use, you need to add rice and water in a 1:2 to 1:2.5 ratio but adjust according to variety, preference, and age of the rice

Curd: Enough to wet the rice and slightly more. Pancake batter consistency

Garlic: To your heart's content, chopped

Mustard seeds: Two pinches or one teaspoon per serving of rice (psor)

Curry leaves: 2 or 3 psor

Green chillies (or any other chilli): 1 psor, chopped into long slices

Hinga (asafoetida)(optional): A hint of it? A few grains? About 1/16th of a teaspoon psor

Oil: As per the above ingredients, add enough to create like a mini puddle the ingredients can be partially submerged in. Yes this is a valid instruction

Sugar: To taste according to the sourness of the curd. Don't use or limit use if the curd isn't sour

Salt: To taste

Recipe:

Cook rice if you aren't using leftovers. Make it a little stickier than usual if you are used to the non-sticky kind. Let it cool a little.

Mix curd with sugar and salt. Whip it into a paste-like consistency. It should taste more savoury than sweet. You know what that means. Trust your gut.

Mash the rice to get rid of lumps if present and add to the curd. At this stage if the mixture is too thick you can add more curd (plus adjust salt and sugar) or even add milk to thin it.

Heat oil in a pan or any utensil you want it doesn't matter. Add mustard seeds and let them crackle. Add hinga. Add curry leaves and chillies and let them fry a bit. Add garlic and fry till golden.

Take this fodni or temper and add it to the curd rice mixture. Mix well.

Profit???

THIS IS TOO ADORABLE

God says, "I will destroy Job's children," and Aziraphale says, "How did he wrong you?"

God says, "I will destroy Job's children," and Aziraphale says, "How will you make it right?"

God says, "I will destroy Job's children," and Aziraphale says, "Gosh, I don't doubt you know what you are doing and all, but maybe we could slow things down a little and talk about this? And it's essential to the divine plan? Are we sure?"

OCEAN May one explain what powdered milk doth be? Is it not gas? I live in constant fear.

NOT DEAD The water flees to air, the rest is left. The dry debris then forms the powdered milk.

OCEAN Thou sayest water doth reside in milk?

NOT DEAD Pray tell what thou believ’st the liquid is?

OCEAN Is milk not one pure substance in itself?

NOT DEAD No; ‘tis only milk-stuff mixed with water.

OCEAN Yet milk appears from living cows’ own tits!

NOT DEAD ‘Tis juice from tits, yet water still it holds. If water be in juice, then ‘tis in milk.

Enter DERIN, the scarlet pescatarian.

DERIN ‘Tis drops of fat afloat in water, As if ‘twas dressing for thy greens. With water gone, the powdered milk remains.

A NOTE attached to an arrow, written by BURNING BRAND, flies through the window.

BURNING BRAND’S NOTE Obsessed with he who foolishly believ’d That milk is element of chemistry.

The NOTE crumbles to ash. BURNING BRAND is not seen again.

OCEAN As he who instigated such a fight, I felt that this creation was my duty.

OCEAN unrolls a scroll of parchment with a flourish.

OCEAN Behold, ‘tis milk, one hundred and nineteen.

Enter JASON FUNDER BERKER, a frog.

JASON FUNDER BERKER And yet the burning question still remains: ‘Tis metal, not, or somewhere in between?

JASON FUNDER BERKER does not wait to hear the answer, and exits.

DERIN A lanthinide! A special case, I see. How fascinating, geometrically.  But let us leave atomic musings be. For milk is a rare metal of our Earth.

OCEAN Of course it is, for I am always right. My choices are, of course, deliberate.

DERIN I do not doubt thou speakest truth, my lord Thy brilliant mind is utterly unmatch’d. It seems that an agreement has been reach’d.

OCEAN Of course; however, in sincerity I wish to know thy scholar-driven thoughts.

DERIN I fear ‘twould be beyond thy comprehension. To teach to thee would take this much too far.

Exit OCEAN, in a huff. Enter JESIN, BOOP BOOP, FLIPOCRITE, VELVET, and LOVELY DREAMS, curious onlookers attracted to the scene.

JESIN Do teach us, it would not take this too far!

DERIN Ye all complain of learning strangely, Then ask me baiting questions such as this!

BOOP BOOP Thy gross ineptitude shall be my death! Milk is formed of small component parts. The fat, the sugars, proteins all combine They seep through pores of membranes in this drink Unpleasant compounds all are filter’d out. All this obtained for small amounts of coin.

DERIN No, milk is lanthanide, pray keep the pace.

FLIPOCRITE The word thou mean’st is lactanide, I think.

DERIN May sharpened pain-shaped stones fill up thy shoes So that thou never know’st a moment’s peace.

VELVET A cube of milk, three inches on each side Could blow up the entire galaxy.

DERIN Our galaxy was formed in such a fashion. ‘Tis why we gave it name of “Milky Way.”

LOVELY DREAMS Thus ends our entertainment for the night Here fools and pompous scholars come to fight.

Exuent, pursued by a cow.