A Timorous Beastie

Hey, about some of the stuff I said earlier, I just… It’s fine, it’s okay. No, just… It’s not okay. Eddie… He saved your life. Our lives. And I know what he meant to you. I can’t even imagine how hard it’s been. But instead of just being there for you, I just… Well, I got angry about it. I guess I got angry because things were different. 

It’s happened to me countless times, to the pt where I have learned to immediately weed out these people and make sure I get away from them as quickly as possible, but a good & particularly early example is when I was hanging out w a few friends at one of their apartments on a Friday night in my late teens & my friend’s roommate brought over this guy she was hooking up w; we had just rolled a joint so we all went outside to smoke it, and were having a conversation abt something the boyfriend had brought up (so he was steering the convo) when I noticed that if I responded directly to the boyfriend, he would ignore what I said and just keep talking / responding to everyone else. He also wouldn’t engage w the things I brought up even if others were responding. At first I thought well ok I’m probably overreacting maybe he just didn’t hear me…but then I tried again. And again. And fucking again. And the outcome was the same every time. Even if I asked a question he would ignore it. There were a couple of moments where he was basically forced to respond to me / something I brought up bc of how everyone else was responding, but when he did so his tone and body language completely shifted, he responded in as few words as possible, and he steered the conversation elsewhere immediately after. This very evasive yet clearly deliberate way to quickly and quietly shut me down. The extent to which this man avoided acknowledging me was well beyond the absurd, but my friends (all thin) didn’t even notice this was happening. And bc we were smoking, it got to the point where I started to wonder if I even existed at all, if I was really there, if anyone could see me. I ended up having an anxiety attack over it while sitting there, everyone else chittering away, completely oblivious. To my friends’ credit, they were high too, and I’m sure that partially contributed to them not noticing what was going on. But this type of situation has happened to me in front of skinny friends while we were all entirely sober as well, and they still didn’t notice.

The above account doesnt explain this well tbh. I find it extremely hard to put the experience of this type of treatment into words. If it’s happened to you, you know. There is something so distinctly unsettling abt it, something so Off — it is more than angering or upsetting or frustrating or even disheartening. The closest comparison I can draw is to the experience of gaslighting (as in ACTUAL gaslighting, per the original definition of the term in the context of abuse). It makes you feel apart from yourself, like you’re crazy, like your understanding of your own reality and personhood is false. Whenever I have tried to cater to these kinds of people in the past, I have ended up dissociating. And I want to be clear that, while I do believe misogyny is often present in those who do this (I’ve found it’s usually men), that is not the only mechanism at work; they will interact w thin women amicably and non-romantically without issue.

I think the worst part about it is that when I have tried to tell skinny friends “hey that person we were just talking to treated me like I literally wasn’t there, I have seen this before, it’s bc they hate fat people” I am usually met w skepticism. They say “are you sure that’s what was happening??” and when I reassert my confidence in the assessment, they say “oh ok….” in that way people do when they want to respond politely to someone they wholeheartedly believe is overreacting. In my life I have had one single close skinny friend who has immediately validated me when I’ve asserted that someone we know has displayed this behavior. One.

I know that fat people are not at all the only ones this happens to — it is a tactic used against the marginalized & oppressed across the board, and I have definitely found that thin people who are under other / multiple axes of oppression tend to believe me far more often than cis straight white ppl. But not all of them (not even close). I think that the way this type of depersonalization is forced on people varies slightly depending on the bias of the offending person, so the fatphobic ‘strain’ of it may look a little different from the strain that affects another axis of oppression, and so on. But the phenomenon is not unique.

She never knew all that she would become.

The miracu10us zine is here!

First off, hats off to @scribblekingdom for this incredible art, which graces our cover. Sharing the image doesn't tell the story of the level of effort this image represents. Every time news of a new Ladybug variant came out, back to the drawing board. It humbled and excited us in equal measure.

As you open the magazine (it's really more of a mook at this point), you will see what appears to be two strange yellow pages with small white markings. Zoom in! The zine begins and ends with two end pages that, together, contain the Ao3 names of every author who has posted a pubicly-available ML fic on the site. It's our version of the Lord of the Rings end credits, which listed every member of the LotR fan club.

How do you get this dern thing? The simplest link to visit is our Carrd.

We currently have two options for viewing:

A web version for download. This is a 200MB PDF meant for viewing on a device. The quality astounds me.

A flipbook for viewing online without downloading.

(Please use the Carrd link for now. The originals linked in the strikethru text are slowly loading but the Carrd has mirrors that are fast!)

We will have a third option soon, possibly within twenty-four hours: a CMYK version meant to be taken to a print shop or used with your own printer. The link will show up on the Carrd, but we'll also announce it here.

We are thinking seriously about investigating a print-on-demand option. No money would come to our hands. We would just be setting it up so anyone who wants a print version but doesn't know where to look could just use that service. The zine was designed using Canva, which offers such a service. It might be easy to connect the project to their POD service and they print and ship it right to you.

We thank everyone who contributed, and everyone who now reads the zine or reblogs this announcement. Drop us a line; tell us what you think!

EIC: @cardiac-agreste

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wolfishluppa

We hope you enjoy, and see you in a decade for the sequel!

I have your art as my wallpaper and used to be my discord profile twice!

keep drawing and I can't wait for more ><

Also I saved almost every art of Nathalie you have in my phone...

Awww, thank you so much!!!! I always try to make my works worthy of being seen and appreciated over time.

I haven't been paying much attention to Tumblr lately, as I've been extremely busy, but today I had a moment to relax.

Here's a little gift for you to add to your collection

I had a vision

Original under the cut ^^

i told you i had happy celine coming :) i hope y'all forgive me for the pain i put y'all through with my last celine post :>

i imagine that the Sunlight Sisters are in semi-retirement and celine is starting to take over more CEO responsibilities.

i'm undecided on rumi becoming a hunter or not because 1) i'm not sure how i want the honmoon to "choose" its hunters (if hunters are specifically chosen or if you're just trained to use it) and 2) idk if mi-yeong/celine would want rumi to become a hunter. i'd LOVE to hear your thoughts!!!!

also don't ask me where rumi's father is idc ALSO please tell me what you think about rumi's patterns in this AU. bc if they spread bc of shame, would her patterns have grown? i also gave too much thought into rumi's hairstyle for it to have ended up in french braids, but i think it fits. bc if rumi's braid was a way of honoring her mother, she might have a different style if mi-yeong lived <<

ALSO ALSO i'm a polytrix fan first and foremost so ofc rumi still meets mira and zoey idc idc idc

listened primarily to "At The Beach, In Every Life" by Gigi Perez

But you love me like my mother And you kiss me like your wife And I swear to you, I'll givе you more than I have tonight

--

And you'll look and tell me "Baby, you remember what I said?"

Thinking about how Celine probably ended up raising Rumi and fighting demons alone

I was listening to not a lot, just forever by Adrianne Lenker and had to take a lap every time I heard “I could be a good mother”

Don’t worry, I have happier Celine pieces in the works (and polytrix) 😛