Little.Dreamer.Lady

I am a bit unsure of certain aspects in my life, and as many before me have probably felt, love seems to be my biggest challenge.

it’s hard to be constantly let down by the people closest to us, our loved ones, or the people that always say to count on them. It’s really hard when the people that are letting you down the most are your family, the people you are supposed to be able to count on unconditionally, even if it’s your biological family or one you’ve made through a collection of closest friends.

Family is referred to as a tree, with members branching out, growing, making their own branches. But when you are constantly being let down by your family is it enough to simply branch out and grow in a different direction, or do you simply have to break branches altogether?

Recently I have struggled with my boundaries being pushed by family members. I have struggled with being their main source of support, with nothing in return. i am struggling with being constantly told one thing only to have that not be the case, causing dramatic affect in my own life. It’s getting harder and harder to pick up my own pieces and try to glue them back together, while also having to pick up the pieces of others. so is it enough to just walk away and ignore the disappointment, and just deal with the repercussions of others actions as they come? or would it be more beneficial to walk away completely? This is the biggest issue I feel that I struggle with, How to walk away from the people you love to ensure a healthy environment for myself. It seems pretty straight forward, however walking away from those ties does seem to be harder than I imagined.

I believe this anxiety of walking away stems from the fact that I don’t want to believe that they will continue to let me down. Rather I’d like to believe I could still count on them, but I have been proven wrong over and over again. It’s hard to be constantly let down by your loved ones.

it’s been a little while, a year and a half or so. My brain has been ticking like clockwork, a never ending cycle of thoughts that I haven’t been able to express completely in writing. Life has been flying by in a blur of learning and unlearning and breakdowns and get-back-ups. so I’m here to make a more conscious effort to continue writing, to continue living and sparking the thoughts of our twenty-something selves. To keep alive our dreams and stay accountable to our goals.

keep dreaming,

2019! It’s finally here, the last year before a new decade! And let’s face it every year we set out with new resolutions, promises to ourself of how we can live our best lives and be the best version of ourselves. It’s easy to set resolutions that gain be unrealistic, and even though we have all the right intentions we kick ourselves once we’ve broken the promise we made to ourselves.

We promise to lose weight, eat better or sad more money. And feel guilty when we miss a day at the gym, eat a burger or buy the dress. So we fall off the band wagon and promise ourselves better next time.

Life isnt new year new me! It’s what will make me happy right now. Making sure you are healthy mentally and physically is more important than beating yourself up over one bump in the road. Life’s path isn’t straight. There are twists and turns and bumps along the way. And if we spend to much time focusing on that we miss the view and the bigger picture.

I look back on 2018 as the year that flew past me. I feel like I didn’t quiet achieve enough. That the holidays I promised to take myself on but never did, or the money I planned to save but ended up spending, wasn’t enough. But it’s time to take a second and realise that I may not have done things I originally planned, but I did some incredible things in the bigger picture. And now I can enjoy the view.

2019 IS the last year of this decade, so we need to make it count! Try and keep the promises you make yourself, but if you don’t.. it’s not worth beating yourself up over. It’s ok to go out, do the things you’ve been trying to. Spend your money cause experiences don’t always come around twice! Wear your heart on your sleeve. You only get one chance to say how you feel. Don’t be afraid or rejection... in any circumstance, it really is just an opportunity to grow and move onto being a better version of yourself!

Wishing everyone a great 2019... just have fun x

Keep dreaming,

Queen Dreamer

I recently watched a video about “how to survive a breakup” with Russell brand. In a nutshell he explained that the thing about breakups was accepting that the reality you built for your future with that person was over.

This is something that hit close to home for me. It made me realise that’s why I didn’t completely survive the end of my 5 year relationship.

I went through the motions. Shutting the feelings out, letting them all in at once, drinking until I was numb, a suicide attempt and unhealthily relying on the people around me as a crutch instead of working on myself to be better.

And it’s taken almost a year, but I can finally say I can see a future for just me.

I had to redefine myself. I wasn’t paired with that person anymore, and I had my own identity, I’d just forgotten what that was. The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for all others. That was something I had to relearn.

A lot has happened in the last year, I’ve seen myself change and evolve. I’ve seen myself through heartache and kept moving forward. And even on the hardest days I just kept telling myself... life keeps going. Moment by moment you make it through the day. That day turns into a week. That week to a month, and then you look back and say “hey a months gone by” you may not feel any better, but life’s kept going, and you can either get through each moment or make the most of them. Work on yourself, make plans for yourself, take time out for yourself or just remember who you are right down to your core, without anyone else or any distractions.

Sometimes things become too overwhelming to handle. Like you have to shut everything off and block everything out just to get through it. Often we feel so alone, like even our best friends don’t really understand how we’re feeling.

Sometimes my friends act like I’m too fragile to handle certain situations, even though I know I’m strong enough to handle it. And other times I can fool them into believing I am too strong and it doesn’t bother me.

Our feelings can be so consuming, to the point we give into the thought that whatever it is, is all it will ever be. Sadness, happiness, pain, desire overwhelmingly and all consuming. But when it stops it can feel like everything around you comes crumbling down. Like everything you’ve worked towards has fallen apart. I recently wrote this passage:

Even now

I’m still waiting for you to walk through my bedroom door, pick me up, hold me and make my heart better.

After all this time. After everything.

I keep thinking you’ll walk through the door or towards me from across the room, run your hand through your hair, and pull me in by my waist.

I’ll put my head against your chest, and everything will be ok.

Even after all this time...

It was all consuming. The hurt, the longing, the love. But I was expecting the right things from the right person. And that was something I had to let go of.

As our twenties roll around we find ourselves creating new routines. We look for a more stable job with consistent hours. We look for ways to educate and qualify ourselves. We try to catch up with friends and create healthy habits in life. However, sometimes it feels like we’re on autopilot.

There was a time where we went out drinking, fishing, mountain climbing. Spent days at the beach or in the city or in the park. Those days existed, so what happened?

A friend of mine enlightened me with some perspective on “the rut”. Society expects us to have all our shit sorted by now. So we take whatever steady income we can grab. We fill our days off with the chores we were supposed to do but never got around to doing. Any sort of adventure with friends takes weeks of planning, and we’ve forgotten we don’t always need money for fun.

We don’t spend our days surfing or fishing, or at the spa or shopping. We don’t go to the park or mountain climbing anymore. Instead we’re stuck in a rut of work, chores, educate, save money, brunch, work. Same thing day in day out. Same day off, same old thing... again and again.

But there is hope. Although it’s hard to see past the fog and climb our way out of this rut, there is hope. Accepting that we can do things alone is the first step. It’s more fun to get the gang back together? But it can also be just as fun and healing to go adventuring alone.

Cost effective planning. Not all days out need to involve money. Most outdoor activities require little to no cash. Being creative can also help the cash flow situation. Things like scavenger hunts, spending the day at a mates place playing cricket or board games. Hosting a dinner party, or taco night. Try going on a beach trip or scenic lookout. Going down to that new park or playground, rollerblading, bike riding. Even a good old fashioned follow this road and see where is takes us.

There may be some obstacles, scheduling, owning the equipment and making everyone actually commit. But by changing up your routine and getting back to the things we used to love, w can crawl out of this rut.

The point is that we are in our twenties, there are so many options! We just have to have th courage to chase down the things that will make us happy.

Keep dreaming,

Sometimes we go through things that can really beat up our inner gypsy. We become over worked, tired and emotional. In many aspects of life work, study, social life, family life and just simply alone time can drain us. My inner gypsy is slumped on a chair in the corner, wondering if she’ll ever dance again.

For me, I over work myself. I take on more workload than I should, I try and maintain a social life and sleep. I forget that I need time to just sit and dream of running away. It is the last thing on my mind, and not because I don’t want to run away, but because I have no time to even be dreaming of such nonsense. My inner gypsy is crying as I write this. But sometimes the world stops, it slows down and we can remember why we do what we do. We remember that road trip we were planning, but never going to go on. And the fire in our souls starts to spark again.

Being in our twenties we don’t often take time to slow down. We try to cram in work, study, socials and family. Even sitting down to a Sunday dinner with the family can be tiring, and not because your mum keeps saying “You look tired.” Or “You should eat more!”. We need to take a moment to ourselves. a moment in which we aren’t thinking of a hundred things we forgot to do today, or should do tomorrow. we need to make sure our inner gypsy has enough energy to dance around our hearts and keep the fire inside us alive. We need our dreams to become plans, even if we never get there; not be pushed to the back of our minds for ‘when we have time’.

So, dreamers take a moment for yourself. Don’t think. Sit on top of a mountain, in a park, in the sunshine. Let the fresh air wash over you, and let your hair blow freely. Close your eyes and breathe. Slow down and let your inner gypsy get better. Let yourself feel in that moment. Reignite your fire and dream a little harder.

Keep Dreaming,

Hey Dreamers,

Moving back in with mum! It’s that dreaded that sentence that at some point makes us feel a little less. Less independent, less adult-ish, and just less likely to have our shit together! It’s like a big kick in our gypsy nads! “You have to go back to your mum, you couldn’t make it by yourself. Back to the nest!” she sings dancing around my head. And unfortunately, I can’t just flick her out – that bitch rents that space for free!

I’m not as lucky as my inner gypsy that lives rent free. I live in the real world, I’ve got real bills. So, I’ve dragged myself back to the nest – but hey it really isn’t so bad, here’s why!

1.       FREE RENT! WIN

Thanks mum and dad for not renting my room to another struggling uni student, cause let’s face it that was a possibility. In some cases, coming back to the nest means a free place to rest your head in return for household chores. In other cases, some board is required for your stay, due to an increase in the grocery, electricity and internet bill! Because realistically we eat cause were bored and watch funny videos forever… and they say we have no culture!

2.       MY OWN SPACE!

My siblings have flown the coop too. Now it’s just us three in a big house, almost my own bathroom! I can decorate my room again, and I don’t have to label my food anymore, cause guess what, mum just buys in for me!

3.       Ok so I’m in my twenties and my mum still needs to know where I’m going and when I’ll be home. But hey, at least I know in the morning, after I’ve forgotten to put water and Panadol beside my bed – mums got my back!

I know it’s a small sacrifice to save a few dollars but look – free electricity, free wifi, free food, free washing/cleaning, bigger bathroom, your own room again, and dads always there when you start having car troubles. There’s an in-house nurse (mum), when we’re sick. On call best friend, cause she’s not like a regular mum, she’s a cool mum. And all the other benefits that come with having your family close by, (like being the first to know that over achieving cousin just messed up in some way). It’s always good to pitch in and do a load of washing, mop or shop… we don’t want to take advantage of our new nest. But all in all, “moving back into mum’s” isn’t always a disaster.

Shared housing is great. The more people, the cheaper the bills. But that’s it, its shared – and that means EVERYTHING! The bathroom, the kitchen, the living and the dining are all shared. Unless you live with a great group of people, and even then, sometimes you just need your own space. A space that isn’t your half-decorated room, because you can’t hang anything without approval!

Dreamers if you’re looking to save a little extra, and your parents have will take you back, it really isn’t the end of the world going back to the nest. Were still chasing that dream and letting our inner gypsy dance!

Keep dreaming,

Sometimes being an adult is hard! Sometimes having to pay your own bills, and do your own tax and decide what’s for dinner is hard. Sometimes deciding to save our money for groceries or go out is hard.

Sometimes life gets a bit much. Thing things our parents did for us, that we took for granted, can be a bit over whelming. For me, its paperwork. Tax forms, passport renewal, bank statements, medical forms – it can all be a bit crazy for me. And when I’m finally on a role, the internet crashes! Seriously… is there anything worse?

There are lots of things that make us twenty-year old’s adult-ish. Making our own doctors’ appointments, and actually going. Doing a big grocery shop, instead of five small ones. Remembering bin day and when to pay the electricity bill.

For us though were stuck in a place of having responsibilities of an adult, but also needing to call our mums or dads for every second question we’re faced with. I suppose that’s why they say it takes a village, because I’m sure our parents didn’t have all the answers straight away. We learn from each other.

I’m dreaming of the day when ill just know what’s for dinner, or when someone else will do the washing up. I’m dreaming of the moment when I don’t get stuck on the toilet because adult-ish me forgot to change the toilet roll. Until then I’ll keep living our adult-ish twenties!

 Keep dreaming,

Being stuck in our twenties is hard. Were in a place where we want travel and explore, to find out who we are, and if we leave it too late we won’t get there until our thirties. People expected us to know what we wanted at 17, in high school. Our life was pre-planned. In our twenties we are supposed to do the hard yards. Study, work, maintain a social life, create our career, have entered the property market and be settled down all before we hit the big 30. Now people might say I’m just a gal freaking out about expectation verse reality, but c’mon the struggle is real at twenty!

My inner gypsy says “Go and travel! You’ll make your way around. You can study when you really know, you can buy a house at 45, sure you won’t pay it off before you’re eighty, but its fine. Do it now!” my little dreamer friend is mad! Mad and exciting. She has a solution to all my rationalisation.

“What about money?” I ask.

“Work around the world, in bars and hostels and fruit picking and cafes!” my dreamer friend dances around.

“what about studying for my future?” I ask.

“Don’t worry, you don’t really know yet. So why waste time with something you won’t use at 45 anyway. You have your whole life to study – it’s time to discover yourself first.” she replies.

“What about buying a house and setting myself up?” and again her sassy, wild at heart answer is,

“Look haven’t you ever heard of renting? Some people do it forever, it means you’re never tied down. You can do all that later, your parents didn’t do it until their thirties, I’m sure you can to!”

It’s hard to argue with my inner gypsy. I mean she is the woman I wish to be – free spirited, carefree, sassy, adventurous – she has a point. And yet, I’m still here, twenty something and still up in the air about where life is taking me. And we all have an inner gypsy, our little dreamer friend on the inside telling us to just go with it. Sometimes it’s hard to ignore her, and sometimes we must. As we navigate through our twenties, she will stick by us! That thought alone is what really keeps me excited, because what is life but one big adventure.

So here I am fumbling through our twenties, dreaming of the time it will all fall into place. Writing about all the in-betweens where it doesn’t. however it goes, my inner gypsy and I will keep walking hand in hand until we figure it out.

Keep Dreaming,

Queen Dreamer.