What You See Between The Lines

I’ve found peace

I made a deal with myself that if I could just make it to June without contacting you

I could try and reach out then

Now whenever my thoughts wander towards your memory and my desire to explore that maginificant brain of yours

I tell myself that when it’s warmer

And more than a year has passed

I can try. If I am not welcomed back into your life.....

My eyes start burning

And the only relief that follows

Safety Pin

Here I am again. A ghostly shell drenched in despair

Hazed thinking

Staring, not even blinking

Catatonic.

Am I even breathing? In. Out. In. Out.

Over the flame it hovers conducting heat

A small house held item used to hold things together Ironically used to tear me apart

Sizzling skin seared without flinching

Sweet relief and a deep sigh I have returned back to my body and no longer feel the need to cry.

A bubbling blister forms as I pull down my sleeve.

This is the side of me you must never meet.

We once had a conversation about giving second chances 

You said that people deserved them because people can change and past trauma can volcano out of someone and cause others harm without it being intentional. 

Did you mean what you said? And if so... where is my second chance? 

That girl who vomited up her insecurities onto your lap after too much to drink doesn’t exist anymore. Those insecurities have been dealt with and healthy coping mechanisms have helped heal her. A year has passed.. and I want to reach out to you and ask, can I please have my second chance? You are all I think about. I find you captivating and brilliant and I am drawn to you like a moth to a flame. I’m sorry for that night, but you hurt me, and I acted out. Please don’t put all the blame on me, and will you consider giving me another chance? Is it so absurd to think you could forgive me and we could try again?

I feel pathetic, so I’ll never ask. Instead I’ll just cry every time I think of you and the potential we had for a great love. I connected to you in a way I hadn’t with anyone in years. You gave me butterflies in the pit of my stomach. 

She was driven crazy by how you treated her. She was caught off guard and hurt. She’s not crazy.

She had a lot of emotions that came out in the wrong way.

She was drunk and felt like you minimized her worth by sleeping with someone else. Twice.

She’s. I’m.

Not.

crazy.

This time you just didn’t reply.

Subtle.

Maybe I should learn to walk away.

But next time I ask you’ll surprise me and show up at my door. So I don’t stop trying. It’s so hit and miss I’m unable to give it up for good.

The Inconsistency is making me consistently want you.

After you have come and gone I keep artifacts around to prove you were here.

A water glass sits on “your side” of the bed atop the nightstand

My shirt stays in the same spot it landed when you took it off of me

The towel used after our shower lays neatly draped over the shower door

Little reminders left scattered about. Proof that there was an “ Us”

As the days pass the little reminders disappear through mindless daily rituals As I notice their absence loneliness begins to linger and I long for you.

When will you be back?

Did you feel the same way I did that night?

Does being with me feel easy and real?

Do you feel connected to me like I feel to you?

I will not dwell. I will wait patiently for your return so that you can leave me little reminders of what was and what could be.