xayaat

I hope this poem finds you well

I spent 3 hrs trying to look belle

With this Sephora makeup

Charging up my camera

With all my essentials in my Chanel

I hope this poem finds you in one place

You see, I was thinking of ways to pop up on your for you page

Should i be nonchalant or in your face

Mysterious or an open book

I have no clue on what direction to take

In a world full of bad bitches

It’s not enough to just be me

I was cancelled yesterday

But will you click accept when you see me today

But with intent

Not like those cookies on every website that you’d rather press reject

I’m sorry if i stutter

If i lose my train of thought

If i interrupt

Its just that in a world full of bad bitches

I’m sometimes scared of sharing these poems with you

Remember

I was meant to be about hypergamy

Not give a f if someone don’t f w me

Cs the sky is the limit,

Another man can fly me out,

Buy me another plane ticket

No doubt

But what if i told you i needed a yacht to take me to an island full of books

A first class trip to Turks & Caicos just to take a break tho

‘It’s that damn phone in ur hands’

Yep, throw that phone into the sea

Put my hands in the sand

Feel a tropical city,

A miniscule sonder

Crabs burying themselves from me

This phone always was a radiating cancer

In a world full of bad bitches

I was thinking i was bad too

Until i realised i gave a f about too many things

For me to just find a good song to lipsync to

These 15 seconds can’t be enough for me to say what i need to say

Let me lose my train of thought again,

I’ll use my moral compass to find the right destination anyway

These filters can’t filter my feelings

I can take away these dark circles

But not my love for art

For law and order

For new piercings

I hope this poem doesn’t make me hesitate clicking post

i hope i don’t overthink later,

Private my videos

Bc i was doing the most

Bc it’s in the beauty of the chaos

That makes the heart stick to others

The uncertainty that creates true beauty

In a world full of bad bitches

I’m still bad

But still a lot of other things

w/generous sunshine on my cheeks

&water droplets on grapes

i've spent my whole life being afraid of change

but now i just observe as the events pass me by

so remember me like this

as you take photos of me on the grass

&i endorse ultraviolence by making daisy chains

decorating my nafs

w/enlightenment

i can't believe you love me so remember me this way

w/roses in my hijab

spring causing me to sneeze cute sneezes

candy painted nails

you're so stagnant baby

you remain strong in the face of adversity

you stare at danger in the face

&break any rules you please

you so tough, so scary

but you so soft around me

&sometimes i get scared

sometimes i feel so small in this world

but you got that tender forcefulness i like

chauffeuring me to a garden of protection

i could spend my whole life here baby

stretched on the grass amongst these flowers

&animals

cute fairy sneezes coming out of me

you so stagnant baby

&i know you'll look after me

you're like a building towering above me

unwavering

&i trust what you do baby

i'd follow you to the end of eternity

&i'd always be your dream girl

cs you made my dreams come true

gave me a garden

&a bedroom of bliss,

you made my dreams come true,

didn't you?

&i'd never be able to thank you truly

maybe you'd never notice

how i can swim in all these oceans like mermaids

you made my soul drip in au chocolat

you're a beast

you're so tough but you're soooo like,

meet me outside my front door,

call the intercom

&watch the butterflies blush

greet my grandmother

conversate in af soomaali

take me to the park

&feed me grapes under the spanish sun while my neck falls backwards in absolute abundance

&i think i put too much food in this picnic basket

but i was too enamoured

w/the thought of you

the smell of you

you smell of protection

&security

&stability

you're the lighthouse where i'm the ocean

standing tall

&firm around me

surround me in your universe baby

in my universe i see crashing waves

&i drown sometimes

&i need a lifeguard

arms that carry me to the surface of wholeness

cs my lungs miss the smell of you

the smell of certainty,

sealed promises

&close shaves

bc i know my universe is what you're trying to dive into

the fantasy is what you've always wanted to grasp

but wallahi,

it's like trying to catch air

bc the thought of my universe is something so fleeting

something so monumental that it has no inherent meaning

so let my back arch backwards after being intoxicated

w/your ecstasy

let my eyelids fall like teardrops on solid ground baby

but don't make me cry

you were supposed to be my lighthouse

steady

&solid

w/security

don't need to let oceans fall from my tear ducts

instead bathe me in solemn hues

sparkle me into horizons that bring me back to prehistoric havens of upmost naturalism

serve me something shimmering

walk yourself to the halwa shop

the halwa shop that used to be a cake shop

selling fluffy residues of cake toppings that spare me the diabetes

but buy me bleeding pomegranates

&feed me grapes while my neck falls in naturalistic mysticism

my universe is devoid of purpose

it doesn't persist in futuristic circumstances

but you,

you've changed things

i want you to convince me like a tropical breeze

diamonds

&shiny things

the fantasy is what you've always wanted to grasp

but wallahi,

it's like catching air

but i was too enamoured

w/the thought of you

so meet me at my front door

call the intercom

&language is not so eloquent...

it's a different circumstance when they love you back...

&my love drips so exotically..

like slow dancing barefoot,

spines curling upwards,

listening to waterfalls,

diamond chandeliers that droop...

&my love feels so exotic..

&language is not so eloquent,

but i let my neurons get naked anyway,

reminders of custard poured on cake in british canteens

i'm reassured that he is my refugee camp

but i'd never wanna leave

even if back home is safer now

my asylum is never so violent

&language is never eloquent...

but with a flick of the wrist,

allure onto mist,

seeing you skid

for the first time

made me wave my fan vigorously

astonished,

i glide my hands along

the beaming metals that make up this,

this moto

i think we’ll be the talk of the quartier

we did it before on our soirée

we can do it again

the sounds of amazed offspring surround us

of course i’ll cruise

w/you along the rues

what could be better than me holding you

holding onto you for dear life,

acc

i beg you to not drive too fast

your body has belly,

tonsil stones

&intellect

so don’t be sad

bodies like yours were on every painting

you were always aesthetically pleasing,

not sexually appeasing

you are studied about

your work is flourishing

your creativity is nourishing

i thought it was impossible to live like a legend

since dying is required

but you’re changing my mind

you have the body of eve

or at least what people assume it looks like

you were made to realise your essence by being surrounded by birds

&mammals

so fly through the oxygen

sigh a sigh of peace

put the flowers in your curly hair

i’m a soft soul at heart

&i can’t even pretend

i am the way i am

i would’ve been me regardless of what did

or what didn’t happen in my life

i gifted myself a shield

instead of velvet

instead of fur

instead of all these things that could’ve worked better for me

the world needs both confrontational

&empathetic people

there’s so much we can learn from each other

we can teach the confrontational ones that not everyone is trying to hurt you

&they can teach us that not everyone has good intentions

if someone who’s the opposite of myself tried to be like me,

they’d have the same experience as i once did when i tried to be like them

energy is drained when you pretend to be someone you’re not

&for me personally,

i preserve my confrontational side for situations when i absolutely need it

i’m a soft soul at heart

&i have to stop thinking i’ll be disrespected

bc of what i am

i can attract butterflies,

&bees

but i can also attract pesticide

that’s not something i should ever hibernate over

just like how the cactus people taught me,

i always need to make sure i keep my thorns on me

cs i can’t let pain

i wanted to find out about love

but only found lust

butterflies that poisoned your rationale

i looked for books about love

i thought i would become educated

but i only found beauty that was exotic

closer to whiteness,

closer to blackness,

closer to what’s basically far away

&unobtainable

i only found couples who were perfect for each other

neither of them have flaws

they love everything about each other

inside

&out?

i thought i would find someone who satisfies my mind,

conjugal appetite,

&spirit

but that’s impossible

but it’s not impossible to find someone you like

so find out what you like

&i don’t mind if he doesn’t make my eyes look for him in crowds of people

bc old age is inevitable for everyone

&if i get there insha Allah,

i will have no choice

but to look at your personality

bc there is no beauty to blind me

but wallahi,

if they’re a bad person,

their external features are ruined

it doesn’t matter what they do

they can be the sexiest person alive at 95

but you will still always curse at yourself for falling into their booty trap at the age of 25

&i don’t believe in falling in love

bc falling in hate happens when they betray your trust,

when they abuse you,

when they ruin your life

&those things are all actions

but no actions are required when it comes to falling in love

being beautiful is not an action

being arousing is not an action

so if men ask for your hand a lot,

don’t assume you’re more worthy

bc they never bothered to turn your hand around

&see what‘s lying in the palm

&i don’t believe in palm reading

but by them seeing what you’re holding in the present

they’ll be able to predict what you’ll bring to the table later on

people can’t change

&trust me,

nobody wants a bad dinner party

i look at you

&i know you’re meant to be my teammate

i want to wake up to your voice

nudging me up so we can pray together

while the street lights still glow golden

the fan rotating slowly

i want to make a universe of only us

a home of aesthetics

to crawl into your consciousness would be all i need

coffee in the afternoon

«hopefully there’s some good tv on tonight»

you say as you sip half-regretfully

knowing there probably wouldn’t be

i want to see the sun rise

&you brushing your teeth outside

i want to glide my hands across your stubble

&nickname you

«monsieur mignon»

when i see the slight gaps between all your teeth

i want to iron your clothes

&brush my fingers through your hair

i want you to massage my head

w/coconut oil

kiss me in the kitchen

you let me watch myself in the window pane

my ebony plaits

w/stray hairs

everywhere

i want to talk to you about heaven

&make plans together

i want to tell you that

«we are the second best things that we’ve ever had happen to one another»

in first place is what should always be in first place

the garden of love

of peace

&security

we will make it there together

if Allah wills

but for now,

let’s be just

w/one another