Love All, Trust Few, Harm None

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Cancelled hangs with an individual hurt way more than group hangs cancelled. I’m too old and tired. Resting feels nice. The FOMO hits when I realize someone had fun somewhere without even thinking about me, I guess, and I could tell I was missed on this adventure.

Overall, I got chores done and I got better. I got to see my niece this evening. She was cuddly, too, which is sweet. She loves me. Love from a capricious kiddo is very precious. She doesn’t always give a shit if I’m around. That’s okay, she’s 3, but it means it really hits when she sees me and lights up and brings me books to read to her. I feel really special.

I got to be there for my friend who had a rough weekend and is feeling the parenting strain, too. She said she’s had ‘parenting fails’ and has a hard time bouncing back. I get it. I don’t have kids but I get it. I was parented. You never know what’s gonna stick with a kid. My mom’s a little disturbed by the things I remember from my childhood, I know. And I had a really nice childhood! I have my damage but we all get fucked up by life. It’s hard when you feel responsible for that life (and also have a lot of anxiety and perfectionism—I have one but not the other). My friend said she gave her kid a sunburn and I was like, “No, the sun did that.” I get where she was coming from but consequences are part of learning. I relearn sunburns every year and I’m 33. I got a few sunburns that were probably actually 1st degree burns and it uh. Really taught me what I’ll tolerate. My niece’s first sunburn at 3? That’s a pretty fuckin good run. My friend will learn. Her daughter will learn.

You know, I typed this paragraph up before I remembered my friend’s exact phrasing: ‘parenting fails.’ I called it ‘parenting mistakes’ in the first draft. ‘Fails’ has such clickbait energy to me. She didn’t fail. It was a slip-up. She’ll remember. She panics and she can’t let these things go, but that’s also a learning mechanism.

I wish it wasn’t so harsh for her. It’s probably not too harsh for my niece. She’s a little emotional bouncy ball. She has her triggers but damn, her smile comes back fast. She’s still divertible. I’m not taking that for granted; she’s not always going to be easy to distract from questions or mistakes. But for now, she’s bouncing back easily. I love that. I love her.