Life of Patterns

I saved screenshots of her blog and last message to the world. Her parents had a lot of control over how she was perceived after her death, but it was also to prevent deletion by Tumblr itself. Even back then, Tumblr has been shadow banning trans women on this platform.

We all want to reap the benefits (having a friend circle, having a partner, getting married) without doing the work (going to events, interacting with people, learning to handle conflict maturely, dating). Myself included. If I could, I'd never leave the house or go on another mediocre date again... except, that's part of the process.

change the color used to highlight text on your laptop

move the pictures on your wall

stack whatever clutter is in your room into piles even if you don’t have time to clean it all

slightly vary your commute, even just by one street

change where you sit and scroll aimlessly on your phone even if it’s only to the chair in your room instead of your bed

drink water or juice out of a wine glass in the morning because nothing is real

shower with the lights off, without music

buy $3 flowers at trader joe’s—they look bad next to the more expensive ones but they look so good in your room

start typing things you don’t post into your notes. your thoughts can be worth documenting even if you don’t deem them worth sharing

wake up super early just once. you don’t have to make it a habit it’s just extra satisfying to go to bed that night

The other day I was feeling miserable, so I hopped on a bus and rode it all the way back to where I’d started, and my brain, which had finally had some proper stimulation via new environments, was suddenly ready to go again!

Text someone you haven’t in a while!

Wear a fancy outfit while you have dinner!

I’m 29 now. Yes I made it. Who would have thought. I certainly didn’t.

Yes, I got my degree. I’m now on my third course. Yeah idk how I managed it either. You can stop trying to prove yourself now. You’ve done enough, I promise.

Yes, I have a wife now. Yep, an actually real life WIFE. Yes, my family accepted her into the family. Don’t worry too much about the one that didn’t.

No, I never went back there. I’m sorry. We keep moving forwards.

You actually learned how to drive! Yes I know it’s bad for the environment. We had to do it to get work though. Yeah I know that sucks. Blame global capitalism.

Your dad is dead and you had complicated feelings about it. That’s okay. The inheritance was nice.

You’re still smoking hot. You dye your hair bright pink just like you always wanted. Later on you dye it red and forget what your original colour ever looked like. You get to modify your appearance as much as you want because it’s YOUR body.

Sorry to flex but I have my own house?! Thanks inheritance.

You have an amazing career full of highs and lows. You’ve already helped lots of people, probably more than you think. Don’t worry about that one micromanager, she helps you learn how NOT to be.

Don’t pick up that habit. The one you’re thinking about… don’t. Talk to someone instead I beg.

Skip the CompHet phase. Please.

Don’t beat yourself up for your CompHet phase. You can blame society for all that.

Get yourself into therapy. Yes it’s okay to need help. No you’re not too good for it. No you’re not too bad for it. Stop tying yourself up in knots.

Go OUT. Like out out. That’s how you meet people and live LIFE.

You never grow out of your weirdness. In fact you embrace it now. You don’t have to quit fandom and your interests just because you grow up. You don’t have to leave tumblr.

Fandom is way better now because you can analyse everything you watch to the most minute detail (thanks degrees!!)

Have more fun at uni, I beg. Like actual fun.

Get help around your fear of emails and phone calls, this holds you back more than you think it will. You should also know it’s OK to ask for help, it doesn’t make you stupid.

Maybe stop over sharing on the internet. I mean, you still do it on tumblr sometimes but stay away from other sites lol. Touch some grass once in a while. I mean it.

Being assertive is hard when you don’t know who you are… but you WILL feel it in your gut when something is wrong. Go with that as much as you can. Your instincts are usually right.