still changing

putting up a tracker since I’m absolutely horrible at manually tracking things!! 

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⚝ valentine’s event: @lgcnicky ⚝ songwriting camp (blank canvas): @lgcaiden

indy is still coming to terms with a lot, but as time went on, he thinks he grew numb to it. he set it aside in favor of practicing, trying to focus on the present moment, and not that he is a necessary component to a future boy group he isn’t even sure he wants to be a part of. well, that’s not true; he wants to be part of a group that his friends debut in, but it’s not his dream like he knows it should be. he knows it is for everyone else.

he doesn’t think about it anymore, though. all he can do is take every day one step at a time anyway; there’s no point in stressing over a future he might not even have to.

what is stressful is always being on camera, and the fact that he absolutely has to perform up to that standard: someone that is a necessary component to a group. lee james told him he needed to focus on his performance skills if he wanted to be anything other than a variety member, but indy is fine with that, really. he still wants to make a good impression on future dreams’s viewers, however, and even moreso, his variety personality should probably shine through in situations like this, shouldn’t it? he wants to show everyone his bright side, but it’s a little difficult.

it helps that he’s with friends, though, even though…he won’t be soon? the legacy staff informed them that they would be performing different songs in different groups at legacy’s family concert, so ultimately practicing boss was useless. well, not really; he’ll consider it a warm up for the rest of the show. being able to practice with his friends for a while was a good way to get them used to future dreams and prepare them for more difficult tasks on the show in the future. right? he prefers to think about it like that.

now, however, there’s jikjin. indy is stressed about this too, especially because he opens the song. it’s just a single word– legacy –but it sets the tone for the performance. he has to deliver it well.

he doesn’t know how much cam can help him with that, but they’re both here, and it’s more fun practicing with friends anyway. besides, it sounds like cam is already practicing jikjin?

he’s about to speak when cam asks him if he said something, and indy laughs lightly. “no, it’s okay! i didn’t say anything, but i was about to ask if we should try practicing jikjin together? i think i have the dance memorized already if you need any help with that…?” it’s still strange for him to be competent enough to help his friends with anything, but it’s a nice feeling.

he feels like a jumbled up puzzle of himself. cam is an oil painting not yet cured and someone has come and run their fingers through his image leaving what remained to dry and set into place. there’s not much he can do about this feeling, not really, but being with people he knows might help his edges form back into themselves.

“ah.. ah, okay.” he shakes his head to snap himself out of whatever haze he’s in and nods to the other boy. “yeah, i’d really like that.” indy is such a helpful friend and cam will forever be grateful for him and jiahn remaining friends with him over this whole period of time.

his stuff is shuffled away into his bag for next time and he moves to get up. “jikjin is really cool but i’m kind of sad we don’t get to do boss together-- i thought we really were getting it down.” it is what it is, things change he tells himself. as much as he wanted to perform with his friends in a small group to themselves, he had a feeling something wasn’t going to go right.

there was finally some confidence in his reflection. he could look into his eyes, dancing in front of the training studio's mirrors, and know that he'd made some sort of improvement. it was a lot of work and a lot of storage space on his phone gone from the multiple videos he'd recorded of himself to see how his face looked, if he was making eye contact at the right times, if he was *selling it*. it was feedback given to him from shinhae sunbae and he didn't want to disappoint someone who took the time to give him thoughtful comments. boss was a song that he needed to have impact with, he'd have to keep up with the other three of his team.

it was both disappointing but relieving to find out they actually had more time before their supposed performance. as much as he felt proud and confident in himself from the work he'd put in to get to this point, there was always room for improvement so cam would take it for what it was.

the only thing that stressed him more from the situation was that he'd have to learn another song, this time with all of the other boys in future dreams. he wasn't the slowest in picking things up, not in a long shot, but he liked having the time to get comfortable in the song to tweak his performance. it was a bit much to have all the boys doing one song, the lines stretched tight over everyone, but he was happy with the parts he got to do and he'd just have to make sure he performed them well.

he was so focussed on thinking about everything and listening to the instrumental guide on repeat that he almost forgot he was in the studio with indy, going through vocal warmups and practising. normally he wouldn't stress too hard over his vocals, that he could practise at any time in the dorm-- dancing needed space and therefore was limited by the studio time he could get at legacy. he *normally* wouldn't stress but he only had so many words to make an impact in jikjin, he wanted to make sure he was at his best.

The past few weeks have been different. I’ve never been a part of a competition or project like this before. I wasn’t sure what entirely I was getting into even when I hopped on the plane however many years ago. I’m grateful things aren’t so static though.

I like to think I’ve learned a lot about myself and others in this short amount of time. I’ve learned the weaknesses I saw in myself at the start of my training haven’t fully been worked through. I’m still weary of my skills and talent, I’m self-aware enough to know I am good at some stuff, my weakness falls on identifying those things and holding through when comparing them against others’ track records. It’s easy to hype other up because you can see their hard work and talent from another side. It’s harder to apply that to yourself; or at least, this is where I’m struggling. I think future dreams may help with this, I’m getting feedback on myself directly against others, if I can acknowledge their talent and skills, maybe I can see where I stand. It’ll be disappointing, I think, if I rank lower than what I have in my mind it may be a hit on my self confidence but, I’ll just have to work through it again as I have in the past.

cam definitely did not expect what they walked into. 

cam's still a bit wide-eyed as he walks up the stage in front of the senior artists of legacy and his peer trainees. he shakes it off before he actually turns to face them, although he probably doesn't do a great job of it while greeting them.

when they were presented with what they were supposed to prepare for the week, cam thought it would be the same essence of what they'd had to do after joining the company; film a little blurb of themselves and then do a short performance. he definitely would not have thought in a million years he'd be performing lee shinhae's song in front of him and some of his band mates. how could he do it justice while standing right in front of him.

it was always said that you shouldn't meet your idols, in this case cam thinks it's literal in terms of idols, but it doesn't really ring true-- they all look nice and seem like they want to be there. he's not really sure how he would have fared if he'd had to sing in front of someone glaring so he's thankful. they'd once been in his spot so he thinks they're probably a bit more understanding than their coaches.

cam had chosen, in his humble opinion, the perfect song to suit him. it was one that would showcase his vocals and runs while also having some form of choreo attached to it. it was subtle but powerful moves, matching the theme and sound aesthetic of the song and singer. cam had felt a little weird asking his dormmate matty to borrow his hat for something like this but it was perfect for what he wanted to do and was such a close match to the one from the music video.

he takes a moment after announcing that he wants to impress daebak shidae, and cues in to his spot starting halfway through the song, starting with his hat covering his face and then tilting up as he starts to sing. there's a soft sense of relief as he realizes the one minute time restraint ended up helping him out. if he'd had to sing all the harder falsetto notes and runs, he probably would have at least cracked on one of them. his small part of the song has one stunning note which he hits and has to force himself not to smile in the relief of it all. it's a fun song to perform, laid back tempo and a jazzy feel. it's the type of solo he wouldn't mind doing himself in the future if he debuts and is presented the chance, or if there's ever the chance of him winning future dreams.

he hopes he looks as cool as he feels. the dance was something he picked up quickly and was able to focus on the minute movements of it all. the hat dynamic is also fun for him to work with, moving it around in time with his singing at parts.

he's going to be the fool of this month's evaluation. it's all he can think of, the only image he can see in his head. he can see it so vividly; how he'll start rapping and catch the eye of one of the coaches and he'll see how they're holding back laughter. he'll move on to another and see the same reflection.

cam had practised the song over and over again, barely even going back to the dorms to sleep, in an attempt to nail down the choreography-- dancing was something he was told to still improve upon and he wouldn't let them think he wasn't taking their words to heart. he was exhausted by the end of the month from trying to perfect everything. singing wasn't an issue, although he made sure he was hitting the notes properly, strongly, and not nasally. the rap was the issue. he had rhythm, could follow along with fast words and faster beats, but his nerves kept getting in the way. his mind was telling him he couldn't do it and it was messing him up even though any other time he'd be able to nail it.

in reality he knew that not everyone was going to be good at everything, but he felt like a joke. he hadn't been able to see any of his friends because he was too busy focussing on the prep and practise for the eval, plus all his usual work. maybe indy or jiahn would've been good to talk to but he wouldn't bother them when they both had to work on the same thing, it wouldn't be fair to burden them with his own stress on top of whatever they were feeling.

when the day comes and he's next up to perform, his hands are sweating and his heart is racing like there's a grand prize at the finish line and it's competing against a crowd. he just wants to do well and prove he belongs amongst his peers who are stronger than him, no matter that he's not sure he believes it himself. cam won't let that show during his performance though. if the past two months have taught him anything, it's keeping Face.

he's lucky, at least, that there's quite a bit of english in parts of the rap and his designated choreography isn't complicated during the vocal and rap focuses. he works on his stamina as much as he can but doing a whole song with all the parts is taxing on him and definitely something that pushes him.

it’s all about popular

he sends a playful look at cameron once he sits down in his new spot, the boy whose spot he had stolen now very into the game, calling out the animals loudly before he taps the head of a girl, all of the children making puppy noises as the girl scrambles to her feet to run around the circle. of course, as expected, the boy makes it back first, and the girl immediately sets to picking a new dog. 

with a triumphant smile on his face, pleased that the children are so happily entertained by this game, he finally feels a little relaxed. this is fun, watching the kids get so involved in the game and seeing them running around and laughing, shouting meong meong in unison every time a new dog is picked. 

finally, it comes to the time where someone picks cameron again, and yuseong’s lips curl up at the corners as he waits to see what his friend will do. 

cam likes to think he's expressive, not usually stone-faced, but he's definitely hamming it up for the kids to make sure they're having fun. he warps his features into exaggerated expressions every time someone new is picked or he catches one of the children looking at him. it doesn't fail, everytime they see him he gets a giggle.

eventually, he gets picked again by one of the mini people. he's quick to hop out of his spot, legs almost catching on each other from where they're folded criss-cross-applesauce. it's probably time for something new so the kids don't get bored, something cam wants to avoid at all cost since bored kids were hard to control and rope back in to activities.

it’s all about popular

he’s honestly pretty shocked when the kids actually follow their directions and sit down in the circle as he directs, but he’s certainly not going to look a gift horse in the mouth, especially not when this is being filmed for television. sure, there might be some minor explosions later, but he’s hoping that at least for a while, there will be enough peace and calm to have some fun with the kids. he’s never played duck, duck, goose before, but it doesn’t sound hard.

“that sounds like fun,” he says with deliberately wide eyes, taking on the role of the excited adult to try and get the children on board with them. “i think it’ll be fun if we play cat, cat, dog,” he agrees, amused that the boy had felt so strongly about the animal that they are going to call out as they play the game.

when cam mimics the ears of a puppy on his head, yuseong lifts his hands too, imitating his friend immediately to get the kids on board, even making the noises a puppy might make — “meong, meong!” he says cutely, and the frown on the boy’s face dissipates quickly, some of the children copying the two adults and pretending to be puppies.

“i’m dog!” he gasps when cam taps on his head, and he gets up, taking deliberately exaggerated steps as he goes in the opposite direction of cam, to try to make it back to his spot before cam can. of course, that doesn’t work, and he’s left standing as cam sits in his spot, tapping his chin in contemplation. “oh no! see, because this hyung beat me back to my spot, now i have to pick someone so i can try to sit in their spot.”

“let’s try it together, okay?” he says as he taps on cam’s head. “cat, cat, cat, cat… dog!” he taps on each of the children’s heads in succession before he touches the head of the boy who had said he liked dogs better. “run, run!” he laughs as he pretends to run with dramatic steps, not going very fast so that the child will have a good chance of beating him. the boy scrambles up and books it around the circle, going much more quickly than yuseong had expected, and he lets out a startled laugh when the boy slides back into his spot just before yuseong’s exaggerated steps can get him there.

“wow, you’re better than me at this game. i guess i’ll have to pick someone else!” he says to the boy, holding out his hand for a high five. “cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, cat… dog!” he takes his time selecting someone, finally picking another boy who looks more eager after seeing one of his friends win.

this time, however, yuseong sits down in the boy’s spot just before he can, grinning at him playfully. “your turn to pick the dog!”

the absolutely goofy grin that spreads across his face is unintentional, yet he does nothing to stop it. "meong meong," he mocks yuseong once he sits in his prior spot on the floor. cam may not be a runner, nor a trackstar- but he's good at duck, duck, goose, regardless of the fact that yuseong was demonstrating for the kids.

puppy boy, he affectionately names the kid from before in his head, gets picked by yuseong next. cam feels like a solar panel in the middle of the desert soaking up the sound of children's laughter for energy. they're just way too adorable. it sometimes feels like his heart will explode, sometimes makes him sad he doesn't have younger siblings to dote on and help raise.

cam's basking in it all, watching as the kid beats yuseong and seeing his friend laugh; although they're filming and this is for an end goal-- he thinks it's kind of relaxing and fun. he's kind of glad he was able to participate. he had reservations at first, not knowing if he'd do well on variety, but it all seemed to work out.

cam reads the prompt quickly, and then a second time to make sure he understands it right. he tries not to take too long pondering what he would do. not that he has to do much thinking about it, he knows what he would do, but putting it into palatable words for the staff and camera takes him a minute. cam's not a confrontational person on behalf of himself, would let things go if not just to make things easier and smoother. the exception is if it involves anyone else.

the prompt details that there's a long line, which realistically means there's people who have lined up after him. there's no mention that the senior cuts because they're with a friend who saved them a spot, which cam wouldn't really mind-- he's been in situations where he's had a cut short lunch and only had so many minutes to grab lunch so a friend saved him a spot in line. he feels guilty when that happens, which isn't frequent, and usually apologizes to the person behind him.

"i think i'm pretty understanding of people's circumstances; i don't know if my senior has to cut the line for a reason but..." he trails off and pats his leg as he thinks of how to articulate himself. "i think i would speak up nicely, on behalf of the people behind me."

he knows gaeul by face and name, having run into her a few times around the company after meeting the first time. they didn't have much training together but he knew she was a bit younger than him and also his senior in legacy. he wondered if things would have been different in the company if he had just signed with legacy first instead of wasting essential time with the other company.

cam's a bit relieved he at least knows gaeul on an acquaintance level when they're put in the same group for the variety show. he feels so awkward introducting himself and is glad he can pass over that with those in his group.

moonstruck,

aiden hums, as if considering cam’s words slowly. “yeah, but that was three months ago,” he argues, a playful glimmer in his eyes once more. once he starts pulling someone’s leg, it’s extremely hard for him to stop. especially when he receives quite the favorable reactions. unfortunately for cam, that’s exactly what he’s providing aiden right now. he mimics cam’s pout with his own, pursing his lips pointedly. “don’t you have to earn your place in my ranks? you should keep taking care of me,” he singsongs, always one to get under his friends’ skin. he can only hope cam won’t get tired of him.

once he sees the crimson coloring cam’s features, a smile graces his lips, followed by bright laughter. “oh yeah? and what’s my day job, according to you? your personal nightmare?” the scoreboards in his head currently show: aiden 2, cam 0. maybe it’s about time he gave the older a break. focus on what they’re supposed to be doing. aiden’s confident he can multitask, although it may not be the same for cam. he’s definitely not making it easy for his senior.

so he lets that slide for now, gaze falling onto the accessory in cam’s hand. aiden squints, like it’ll help him assess the item ( newsflash: it doesn’t, not really ). “this one is pretty good,” he comments. “it’s more of a muted red, i don’t think it’ll take away from the rest of the outfit, unlike that dazzling ruby from earlier.” he wonders if he’s still making sense? “i’m not that good at accessorizing either… or anything related to fashion, really.” it’s best to be honest.

“oh, can you try wearing it?” he asks, head tilted. “maybe then we can… decide better.” looking at the other accessories, he picks up one that seems similar before returning his attention to cam. “we can also compare and contrast?” he suggests. another smile appears on his face, “do you need me to put it on for you? hold out your hand,” just like that, the teasing rolls out of his mouth so easily. a menace as usual, that’s not going to end. 

“ah, yes I am but a humble stone in the presence of the sun.” cam rolls his eyes in good fun, resisting the temptation to pull aiden in for a good nougie.

personal nightmare is right, but cam appreciates the friendship he’s built with the little monster. sometimes he’s a menace but other times he’s a breath of fresh air and clears out the cloudy storm that cam finds his head in sometimes.

seeking out cam should be easy. at least thats what touya tells himself as him and his army of kids (its only two) start looking around the play area. the older boy was bigger than any of the kids – obviously given his age–and thus hiding would have been harder. as it had been for touya though there is the argument that touya didn’t even try. because he didn’t. 

he took one look around the area and found cam pretty quick. was he going to give him away? the thought crossed his mind, but then he thought it would be funny to let the kids loose so he started to lead them around–close to cam. 

“where could he be?” he questions out loud, tone revealing that he knows but he’s playing along. the laughter from the kids around him is the best reward too. they are all having fun which was part of the job. “do you think he ran away?” 

the urge cam has to laugh triples once he realizes touya is in his general vicinity. he doesn't think it'll be much longer before he's caught. he's a grown man hiding in a cubby-- he's an obvious target regardless of how well he's fit himself in there.