#memories

from what he's learned in therapy, anxiety is a fear of the unknown; it's that downward spiral of helplessness living beings fall into when they realize life's reality. we only have so much control. we have no idea what the future holds. it's daunting, but it is what it is.

yujin doesn't seem to grasp the concept that, in the grand scheme of life, none of his worries actually matter. that's not saying that they're invalid, but whatever happens is going to happen, and neither of them can do anything about the outcome. stressing out about it is useless, and instead of "babying" his group-mate in those moments, he chooses to speak with firmness; with grit. he doesn't want his words to be misinterpreted. he wants to speak directly to the root of the anxiety—to tell it that it's irrelevant and irrational.

robby hopes that yujin can leave all of this behind him someday, but for now, he applies more weight to him; definitely noticing that there's an added tension to his limbs. whenever he's helped him with this in the past, yujin's flexibility always surprises him. today though? not so much. "you really are stressed, aren't you..." he comments, feeling bad for being so dismissive initially. tough love doesn't necessarily mean acting rude and cold anyway.

"no, no—you can talk about it. i'm sorry for being a dick." he replies, focusing on trying to push yujin past the limit he's stopped at in his stretch. he's applying more gentle pressure, but the instant his comrade yelps in response, he ceases his motions; joining him on the floor instead. "i'm also sorry for pushing you a little hard. normally, you can go much further than that." licking over his lips, he turns his head to gaze over at yujin; offering a half-smile. "what worries you about the future? what do you think is going to happen?"

"i've been worse," yujin admits truthfully. he's here, isn't he? he's present, for the most part. sure, there's still worries that claw at the back of his mind but he's not frozen in place, unable to so much as breathe through the anxiety. "but i've also been more flexible," he half-jokes, now also growing concern about why exactly he can't stretch as far as he normally does. "i might just need to warm up better. is it cold in here?" he can't quite tell, too used to the temperature (whatever it may be). maybe yujin will take up morning yoga in the dorm; he's sure that definitely won't disturb robby's sleep (he knows better).

he appreciates robby's willingness to listen, at least this one time. yujin knows he feels better when he breathes life into his concerns, lets them float out into the world. sometimes, by the time they're out of his mouth, he can already feel them withering away as if this atmosphere can't support their fragile systems. sometimes it's just such a baseless worry that he doesn't need external validation to put it behind him. this one, he thinks, might be a little sturdier than that, unfortunately. it's been lingering over him for a while now, breathing down his neck and leaving him on-edge for far too long.

"newave could be doing better," yujin sighs. he may not be the cfo but he's seen the music charts, he has an idea of the mediocre reception they've received so far. "i know we're locked into longer contracts, but i can't help but think... what if this comeback does worse? what if the company decides we're not worth the investment anymore?"

"and then i blame myself." he frowns, staring down at his own feet. "which, yeah, i know that's stupid. but there's always that thought that if i had worked just a little bit harder, or did something a little bit better... maybe our luck would change."

luckily, it's been easy for him to distract himself from the thoughts of his favorite taco trucks and his memories at la jolla cove because, as it would seem, newAve's been preparing for their second comeback of the year. today, they're set to start learning the choreography for the title track; one that's still a mystery to them, at that. it'll be the first time they hear it, and it's nerve-wracking. robby wasn't a fan of 'love 119' and it made getting through that promotion cycle especially difficult for him. hopefully this new song is a good change for them.

waiting for their manager to come in to get things started, robby's warming himself up with yujin; pausing to take a few long gulps of pocari sweat to ensure that he's keeping himself hydrated. after all the coffee he had to boost his energy, he needs to replenish electrolytes. however, right as he's about to finish the bottle, yujin asks for his help while he's stretching. robby rolls his eyes and scoffs, but it's mostly in jest. sure, this particular group-mate of his can be a bit needy, but unfortunately, it's needy in a way that robby finds endearing.

wandering over to yujin, he saddles up behind him and leans his weight on his back; doing so with care, gradually increasing the depth of yujin's stretch. "let me know when to stop..." he instructs, then licks his lips. though, when he's hit with a follow-up question, a part of him wants to shrug it off and dismiss it. the last thing he needs is to get in his head whenever they're at work. he decides not to be a jerk though, and gives yujin an answer. "no. nervousness is a waste of time." is his response helpful? not really, but it's one he believes in.

"when we get on stage, we have to turn ourselves 'on' because we genuinely have no choice, you know? we either get up there and perform well, or fall on our asses in front of the world. it's black and white like that. at least to me." slowly, he continues applying pressure; hoping he's not overwhelming yujin. "to me, it's better when you tear away all the 'what ifs' and just focus on what's in front of you; on reality. you're not giving yourself a chance to be nervous like that because you're not getting yourself lost in your own damn head."

his groupmate helps him despite the feigned annoyance and yujin can't help the sound that escapes his throat as robby leans against his back, pushing him further into the stretch. it's just a touch too far, yujin verbalizing the strain without real words for second before he finds them again: "ah— hold it there, please," he breathes into the stretch again, willing his muscles to relax. he knows he's capable of bending a little further than this; he must just be a little stiff this morning, for whatever reason.

they find a balance that's only somewhat uncomfortable for yujin, enough to feel the burn but not so much that he's going to rip himself in two. he exhales once more, leaning imperceptibly deeper. nervousness is a waste of time, robby proclaims. yujin agrees; he just doesn't seem to be able to keep himself from doing so anyway most of the time. robby knows all of that, though. "it's not just the performance though," yujin gives life to his thoughts by speaking them aloud, even if robby doesn't really want to hear them. "if it was just dancing, i don't think it'd be so bad. it's everything else. it's..."

how does he explain it? when offered the choice between a stage name and his government name, yujin chose to adopt the mantle of jiahn to separate himself from the idol on stage. at the time, he thought it would be a good idea. like super man takes off the glasses in favor for the cape, yujin could also transform into a different, more confident person when he needed to be. at least, that was the plan. jiahn was a surprisingly difficult character to play. yujin never expected to be given the heavy burden of visual after all; the whole team is made up of good looking guys! he knows there's more eyes on him at any given time, that it's his responsibility to attract fans to the group with his god-given visuals. sometimes, just sometimes, yujin blames himself for newave's lukewarm reception.