dame ice

“Beca. Not cool.” Cynthia Rose frowned at her from the desk across the small office. She swore all the time, but she didn’t tend to appreciate when people called women bitches for malignant reasons.

“This calls for some fucking profanity, dude. Look at this.” Beca stood up, snatching up the paper she had just angrily tossed onto her desk and stalked over to her friend, throwing it down in front of her. The small brunette waited with a deep scowl etched onto her face, tapping her fingers against her thigh as she watched Cynthia Rose skim the article on the front page.

“Shit,” Cynthia Rose’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “This feels…uncalled for.”

“I can’t believe she’s starting this again. We had a truce. Where the fuck does she get off?”

“Probably at her typewriter,” Amy sang from the corner of the room, where she was busy scouting the internet for some fresh talent. Or so she said, but her friends knew that was simply code for online shopping.

“This is low. Even for her.” Beca fumed, grabbing the paper again and skimming until she found the right quote. “I mean, she basically called me a ridiculous liar who can’t write an assignment on my own. What the fuck?”

“It’s a lot,” Cynthia Rose said.

“It’s fucked up. I’m not standing for this. She thinks just because she controls that fuckass gazette that she should control the minds of everyone at Barden.”

“They get more readership than we do.” Amy mumbled.

Everyone turned to her incredulously, as if she was poking the bear. Beca glared daggers at her across the room.

“We’re a specialist journal!” Beca snapped. “Of course the gazette which publishes boring ass shit about the new paint in the Chemistry lab gets more readership than a journal aimed at one group of the student demographic!”

“Didn’t you write that everyone listens to music, so everyone should care to read about it…”

“Shut up, Jesse.” Beca shifted her glare to the boy reading a sappy fiction novel in the bay window.

“Why don’t we just…go over to the Gazette and talk this out with Aubrey?” Benji asked gently. He was seated next to his boyfriend, being the only other person in the room actually working on the layout of their next issue.

“If I see that fucker’s face I will punch it in.” Beca growled, scrunching the paper up in her hands and throwing it aside. She needed to get out of there, right now. It didn’t help that her friends weren’t as angry as she was. It made her feel like she was overreacting. She tore her jacket from her desk chair and stalked out. “Be back later.”

The journalists were silent for some moments after Beca left.

“Yeesh,” Amy said, trying to diffuse the tension. “Hasn’t it been like, a whole semester of their truce? I thought she’d be kinda over it by now,”

Cynthia Rose shook her head immediately. “It’s too deep for that. You know they went to the same high school.”

“I actually cannot imagine what Beca and Aubrey would’ve been like in school.” Benji looked uncomfortable. “They’re at each other’s throats now without all the high school stuff to deal with.”

“I bet they were homoerotic.” Jesse said, making Amy bark out a laugh and Benji stare at him in surprise. “What? You think two gay girls on the same newspaper was wholly platonic? Why do you think they hate each other so much??”

“Nah, you’re right,” Cynthia Rose nodded, leaning back in her swivel chair. “I’ve been thinking that. I mean, no one else gets B so riled up. And she claims to hate half the people here.”

“There’s a fine line between love and hate,” Amy grinned. “Are you all thinking what I’m thinking?”

“We are never thinking what you’re thinking.” Jesse gave her a pointed, but amused, look.

“Duh! Get them together!”

“Hell no.”

“I don’t know about that…”

Jesse spluttered, “you want us to get in the middle of the crossfire? Are you out of your mind??”

“Awh, come on, it’ll be just like that movie! With the ginger twins!”

“The Parent Trap? That’s a pretty good movie,” Benji perked up.

Jesse turned to his boyfriend with a disapproving glare. “Pretty good? Benj, that film is a masterpiece. It’s right up there with Ferris Bueller.”

“Debate your movie preferences at the movie journal.” Cynthia Rose said, not wanting to have to hear yet another spat between the boys about the colour grading of one scene out of an entire film. “Ames. Meddling is fun but this shit is too deep to meddle with.”

“The parents in the parent trap had literal twins across the ocean. That was deeper than a potential high school breakup,” Jesse pointed out. “I’m in. Beca needs to get laid, anyway.”

“She never wants to date any of the girls who hit on her. Maybe she’s saving herself for a special blonde someone,” Amy waggled her eyebrows.

“How do you propose we do this, Amy?” Cynthia Rose sighed. “I’m not agreeing. Just curious.”

Amy stood up and paced for a moment, biding her time as she made an exaggerated thinking face. The other three watched her in anticipation. Eventually, she clapped her hands together and grinned. “We need to infiltrate the gazette.”

“The gazette would never let us inside their office.” Cynthia Rose shot back immediately.

“I don’t mean literally. We need to talk to someone on the paper. Boytoys. Which one of you has a class with that fashion editor? Stella?”

“You mean Stacie? She’s in my labs,” Benji said cautiously. “But I’m not really that close with her…she also does astrophysics. And I look at 3d models, so it’s not really compatible-“

“Apples I don’t need to know your life story.” Amy rolled her eyes. “Okay. Try and get the downlow from Stacie on what Aubrey’s like. If she ever talks about Beca. You know…”

“Why would she tell me? She knows I’m from our journal.”

“Bribe.” Cynthia Rose shrugged. “Obviously. Offer her something.”

 Benji’s eyes lit up. “Oh, I could show her-“

“Not magic.” Three voices chorused, making the curly haired boy blush lightly.

“Sorry,” Jesse chuckled, nudging him.

“We need a backup plan.” Amy continued. “Because no offence, Apples, but I don’t trust you to complete this mission.”

“That’s fair.” Benji said quietly.

“Cynthia Rose. You’re in charge of online stalking.”

“I never said I was in.” Cynthia Rose huffed.

“Don’t give me that bullcrap, like you don’t want to get people off your back about how you and chief should be an item.”

“Why do people think all lesbians are in love with each other!?” Cynthia Rose slammed a hand down against her desk. She and Beca were best friends, but that was all. She hated the insinuation that they were more, especially when she was in a perfectly loving long distance relationship with a girl from her hometown. “Fine. I’m in.”

“In for what?”

The four of them nearly jumped out of their skin at the sound of Beca’s voice wafting in from the hallway. Seconds later, Beca appeared with an iced coffee, looking decidedly calmer than before, but still frowning. She shrugged her jacket off and threw it to the side, revealing a vintage Lauryn Hill hoodie which she hadn’t been wearing earlier. She pushed her headphones off and walked back over to her desk, before eyeing her unusually quiet friends. “In for what?” she repeated herself.

“Sushi.” Benji panicked. “And-and fries.”

“Sushi and fries?” Beca asked, her mouth forming a disgusted line. “What?”

“We’re hungry.” Amy nodded. “I want fries. Benj wants sushi. Jesse suggested both. CR’s in. You in?”

“We haven’t done any of the lay in. I know you dopes haven’t been working whilst I was gone. And you’re talking about food?” She narrowed her eyes at them. Beca loved to slack off when she felt it appropriate. But she wasn’t in the mood today. Especially not after the barrage of insults the pristinely perfect Posen threw at her in the paper today. Posen with her big team of journalists and editors, ultra-organised.

“It’s not due to publish for another three days.” Amy whined. “Come on, Bec,”

“No!” Beca snapped. She tugged her laptop out of her backpack and grabbed her headphones again. “Don’t disturb me unless you’re dying.”

Once they were sure Beca was lost in her computer and listening to music loud enough to blare them all out (they could hear it bleeding from her headphones), Jesse turned to Amy dully.

“Great. Now she’s mad at us too.”

So that happened, and it was all over the internet, and it was Monday at the office, a morning already gruelling enough what with the backlog of emails and excruciating small talk about what everyone got up to over the weekend. Her girlfriend was quite famous now. Since Beca began her solo career, she had skyrocketed into the charts, into winning her first Grammy, into being the subject of fan mail and fan accounts. Aubrey could not have been prouder of her. They had been careful to conceal their relationship from the public. Aubrey didn’t want to jeopardise Beca’s rising popularity, and Beca didn’t want Aubrey to have to deal with paparazzi or stalkers whilst she found her footing in the entertainment industry. But, in the two years they had been together and of Beca’s career – somehow managing to dissuade any relationship rumours – Aubrey herself had become quite successful as a lawyer. She was well respected at the firm, and whilst the blonde wasn’t sure she would call them all her close friends, she did get along with them and often felt guilty about lying through her teeth whenever they would bring up how amazing Beca’s music was and how Aubrey used to be in the Bellas with her. Rather than gushing about her incredibly talented girlfriend, it would turn into gushing about their acapella days and pretending to wonder who the mystery person was that Beca dedicated her Grammy to and if that person was a friend or a lover.

It was pretty difficult.

Now, though, all that was behind her. Aubrey was sat in her parked car strangely excited for the day ahead. She would finally be able to speak freely about the love of her life, about how proud she was of Beca, how in awe she was of her always, and most importantly just how important the woman was to her.

It was only once she stood waiting for the elevator that her excitement began to fade and become overwhelmed with an unsettled feeling in her chest. She was stood next to Brandy, one of her co-workers who often mentioned Beca’s music and snuck her songs into playlists at office drinks. Brandy was someone who Aubrey assumed would have been most excited to see her this morning.

Brandy side-eyed her with a passive smile. “Good morning, Aubrey.”

“M-Morning,” Aubrey stuttered back in confusion. Brandy had never been so curt with her before.

She reached for her cardigan sleeve.

The elevator dinged. Brandy sniffed and waltzed right in, pressing the button a little too forcefully. Aubrey gulped and followed the woman in, smiling as warmly as she could at the rest of the people in the elevator. None of them looked particularly pleased to see her, either. She turned around to face the front as the elevator doors closed, entrapping them into the tiny space. Aubrey had never worried so extensively about what would happen if the elevator stopped before. The metal cuboid (death trap, more like) was silent. You could cut the tension with a knife.

Aubrey was going to the thirteenth floor. She would’ve taken the stairs over this silence any day.

Her mind’s whirring substituted for the lack of conversation, unfortunately. She couldn’t help but wonder whether they were unhappy with her lying, with her relationship, with her sexuality, with Beca’s, or all of the above. And Aubrey being Aubrey, she couldn’t help but think the worst. It was like the first day of school all over again. She hadn’t so much as addressed her sexuality in the workplace before. And now, she could be ostracised from the community she had managed to be accepted into, everyone else realising how she was untrustworthy or a liar or unfair. Should she have told them sooner and offered concert tickets? Should she have offered concert tickets when they all thought they were just teammates and good friends?? Why did she feel the need to buy these people’s acceptance? Her chest felt tight as she glanced quickly at the mirror, watching everyone stare vacantly at the back of her head, or her bag, or her shoes. If Beca had been there she would have whispered a joke about them in her ear and calmed her down with ease. But she wasn’t, and they all looked as uncomfortable as Aubrey felt. Brandy especially was not only uncomfortable but clearly miffed. Aubrey didn’t feel well all of a sudden.

The elevator dinged, making Aubrey jump and rip a little more of the thread out of her cardigan than she was supposed to. Brandy all but pushed past to stalk out of the elevator immediately, and Aubrey willed herself to follow, not knowing what would be awaiting her. She had to walk through the entire corridor to get to her office, passing the breakroom and several other people’s rooms. She kept her head straight and her face passive. If she showed a crumble in her resolve now, it would be obvious and it would define her post-public era for months to come. She could hear people whispering in the breakroom. This was worse than the first day of school. This time, she didn’t just think that people were judging her, she knew they were. She needed to text Beca.

The whispering stopped as she walked past. She didn’t look directly, but in her peripheral vision it seemed they were all gathered around someone’s phone. Aubrey’s face felt hot. She had been so concerned about how their relationship being public would affect Beca and her career that she never even stopped to consider how it might affect her own. She passed another coworker in the hallway who didn’t so much as bat an eyelash in her direction, purposefully staring straight ahead and avoiding her. Their firm regularly dealt with homophobia and gay rights in their legal cases. Aubrey wasn’t sure what specifically was causing this icy atmosphere but it was really stressing her out and it wasn’t even 9am yet. Her sleeve was unravelling faster than she cared to admit.

“Good morning, Aubrey,” Her assistant said cheerfully from their desk stationed outside her office.

Having half expected to walk past them with no obvious acknowledgement, Aubrey paused and smiled in relief. “Good morning, Sage. Any messages?”

They smiled supportively. “No…none about work.”

Aubrey reeled herself. “And about Beca?”

“There were a couple of fan gifts and whatnot.” Sage cringed. “Nothing major. Congratulations, by the way, boss.”

“Thank you.” She let out a sigh of relief. Fan mail from the overzealous ones who had found out what firm she worked at was to be expected. She would probably be receiving things like that all week. “I think you’re the only person here who isn’t annoyed at me right now.”

“Would you like me to talk to the office?”

“No, no, I could never put that on you,” Aubrey said immediately.  

She didn’t notice that she had started to fiddle again with the cardigan until Sage cocked their head and looked pointedly at her wrist. “Are you…alright?”

“I-“ the question hit her a little harder than she expected it to. For the first time in her professional career, she was uncertain of where she stood and how to fix this. She knew there shouldn’t even be anything to fix, but there was, and if this hostile work environment was going to continue, she wasn’t sure what her next steps should be. The panic rose in waves. “Um…”

“I’ll cancel your meetings for the morning. Say something came up.” Sage said, already typing something out on their laptop.

The lawyer smiled gratefully at them. “Thank you.” She took her ponytail out of its hair tie before moving to lock herself into her office.

“And boss?”

Aubrey turned round to look at Sage questionably.

“There will always be people with nothing else better to do with their lives who disapprove. For whatever reason. You and I both know that. Doesn’t change anything.”

Feeling tears prickle at her eyes, Aubrey nodded at them. She didn’t know what to say, so she hoped her actions later in the week would make up for the lack of communication. She didn’t know Sage as well as Sage knew her, but they would probably love some time off at least. A gift, too. Right now, though, she needed to text her girlfriend. Once she got into her office she shut the door and locked it immediately, dropping her bag, kicking off her heels and falling into the sofa. Aubrey was fast to pull out her phone and head to the messages app.

Aubrey: Busy?

Beca: it’s 9am

Beca: no

Beca: whats up?

Aubrey: Sage cancelled my morning meetings because I’m two seconds away from a breakdown so no.

Beca: what? what happened??

Aubrey: I don’t know.

Beca: just anxious?

Aubrey: No, it’s just very hostile here. Everyone’s being cold with me. I don’t know why.

Beca: because of me?

Aubrey: I don’t know for sure.

Beca: jesus fucking christ

Aubrey: Don’t worry about it for now. Are you needed at the studio this morning?

Beca: yeah i have a meeting gonna make my way over there in a sec

Beca: its gonna be a long one baby im sorry

Aubrey: Done by lunch?

Beca: definitely

Aubrey: I’ll pick you up

Beca: okay cool

Beca: im really sorry im not free when you need me to be

Beca: i love you

Aubrey: I love you too, it’s fine.

Beca: dont type like that you sound mad

Aubrey: imnotmadbecs. Better?

Beca: i guess

Beca: dork

Beca: see you at lunch. watch glee in the meantime <3

The blonde smiled sweetly. She hadn’t thought of distractions yet, but Beca knew she’d need one this morning. She wasn’t sure how Beca always knew. It wasn’t the same for her whenever Beca wasn’t herself. Partly because the brunette generally just put on a specific playlist that pretty much showed her girlfriend exactly how she was feeling and Aubrey simply waited until she was ready to talk, knowing not to push her too hard. They were opposites in that sense. Well, in many senses, but specifically that one. Aubrey always wanted to talk before anything else so she didn’t end up bottling up and triggering nausea. Aubrey knew that was why Beca felt so bad about not being available. It sucked when their relationship suffered for less important necessities.

---

“Shit.” Aubrey mumbled as she pulled up to Beca’s studio and noticed the paparazzi were stationed around the entrance. Beca would usually bring her in through the third secret entrance but if she even tried to meet the brunette there now it would show the paps where it was. Reaching for her big sunglasses in her glove compartment, Aubrey gulped before switching off the engine and getting out.

There were flashes going off immediately. It was almost amusing for Aubrey considering they hadn’t known who she was in relation to Beca until two days ago. But she wasn’t in the mood to be amused, or to be photographed, so she kept her head down and ignored the questions about their relationship and if it were true that they had eloped and all this crap she couldn’t believe Beca would have to put up with every day from now on.

Aubrey made her way quickly to the front desk and took off her sunglasses, but she didn’t even have to say a word before the receptionist buzzed her in with a smile.

“Go right ahead, Miss Posen,”

“Oh, thank you,” she said quickly. Beca must have arranged for her to have full access on demand now that the news was out. It warmed her heart, the lengths her girlfriend went to.

It didn’t take long to find Beca. She was in the studio’s common area, looking bored out of her mind as she listened to a conversation that was going on between a couple of her editor coworkers. When she saw Aubrey coming through, she jumped up and excused herself, striding over with a familiar, comforting grin. For the first time in hours, Aubrey felt the awful feeling in her chest begin to fade as her girlfriend opened her arms out and she rushed into them with a heavy sigh of relief.

“Hi,” Beca said gently, loud enough only for Aubrey to hear, rubbing her back as Aubrey draped her arms round her waist and squeezed.

Beca’s heart dropped as she heard Aubrey’s deep, shaky breaths. The panic and upset was radiating off of her and the musician hated to see her like this, barely keeping herself together. Aubrey seemed overwhelmed more than anything else. Overwhelmed and scared. It hurt Beca even more knowing how put together Aubrey usually was. Not in an unhealthy way anymore, not like back in college, but she kept herself and her emotions in check with a careful schedule and routine, she allowed for spontaneity on the weekends - she rarely ever got to this stage about anything these days. Beca knew it must have been a bad start to the morning if Sage cancelled her meetings, but she hadn’t anticipated it getting to this stage.

“I’m here, Bree,” she whispered. “Are you feeling okay?”

They both knew she meant physically rather than mentally. Aubrey took a moment to check in with herself, but eventually nodded.

“I’m fine,” she said softly.

Beca wasn’t so sure. “Do you think you’ll still be fine after food?”

“Mhm.”

“Okay.” The shorter girl pulled back and tucked some strands of hair behind Aubrey’s ear, tiptoeing to give her a quick kiss before grabbing her hand, choosing not to comment on the state of Aubrey’s sleeve that she had clearly been pulling at all morning. It looked ruined beyond repair.

Aubrey put her sunglasses back on. “The paps are outside. We have to go through the front, my car’s there,”

“No,” Beca shook her head. The last thing she wanted to do was have Aubrey photographed now. “Mine’s at the back. We’ll give your keys to security and ask him to park it there for now. We’ll get it later,”

---

Having successfully evaded the paps, they wound up eating sandwiches in their favourite secluded spot. A little hideaway in the middle of the park nearby that was completely concealed by foliage and trees. They often came there to watch the sunset, to have picnics or just to get away from life for a while. It was their secret spot.

After watching Aubrey silently eat her sandwich for a while, Beca nudged her slightly with her leg, putting her own sandwich bag down onto the blanket Beca had found in the boot of her car and laid out for them to sit on.

“Wanna talk?”

Aubrey looked up at her kind, concerned eyes and nodded, putting her sandwich down too. She took a deep breath.

“I walked into work and- it’s so ridiculous, nothing even technically happened,” Beca sent her a disapproving look, which Aubrey ignored. “And I saw Brandy by the elevator. She was really cold. And judgemental. And the ride was so tense. It was oppressive. Everybody was hyperaware of me. I don’t enjoy that kind of attention without intention.”

Beca noticed she was fiddling with her sleeve again.

“And everyone was in the breakroom whispering about us. I guess- I just…it was really nerve-wracking. I didn’t expect anyone to disapprove of us. I knew they would care, but they’re all fans of you anyway. I didn’t think it would be…like that. It was just too much without warning.”

Beca bit her lip, rubbing circles over the back of Aubrey’s hand. She felt terrible. “What’s on your mind?”

“I just told you.”

“No, I mean, after all of that happened, what were you thinking all morning?”

“Worrying about what they thought of you, of me, of our relationship. Worrying that they hated me now because of it, or because I’m a lesbian. Worrying that my work environment has been permanently altered and not knowing where to go from there. Worrying that this could develop into something worse. And if they’ll ever trust me again for lying to them.”

Beca moved so her legs were spread out and tugged Aubrey until she was lying down with her head in her lap and Beca could run her hands through her hair. “I’m so sorry. Fuck. I am so, so sorry baby.”

“It’s not your fault.” Aubrey shook her head.

“It is. I should have prepared you.”

“Beca, what are you talking about? Of course I was prepared to go public.”

“You weren’t.” Beca frowned. “Not like I was. Not professionally. My publicist should have sat you down. I…I was prepped for every possible scenario. Stalkers, haters, whatever. None of them involved your work. I-I assumed people might be shocked. That was it. And your work is more important than mine.” She watched Aubrey open her mouth to interject and brought a finger to her girlfriend’s lips. “Your work is more important than mine, Bree. That’s a fact.”

Aubrey was quiet whilst Beca ruminated on how she could possible fix this. Her phone dinged and Aubrey reached for it. It was a Facebook messenger notification. Aubrey looked up at her questionably, but Beca merely shrugged so Aubrey unlocked her phone and clicked on it.

Alicia sent you a photo.

Alicia: so you can go public to the whole world with Audrey but you couldn’t tell your mom about us? I’m pretty pissed that I would be living life as the beca mitchell’s famous girlfriend right now if you’d had the balls. And to leave me for her?? Let me know when you realise you want a second chance.

“Well now I feel sick.” Aubrey said as they both stared at the message and a topless selfie where the blonde girl had applied too much lip gloss to grin impiously at the camera.

“What the fuck?” Beca scoffed as she took the phone and reread the message in disbelief.

Aubrey sounded even more dejected. “Is that your high school girlfriend?”

“Yes.” Beca said with an exhausted sigh. “Sort of. I don’t really count barely getting along as girlfriends. Didn’t even know she was on my Facebook.”

Her girlfriend was already feeling weak and embarrassed and hated enough without that message to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. To be crying over something so far deep in Beca’s past felt juvenile, and the last thing she wanted to do was appear like a jealous girlfriend when they both knew the brunette only had eyes for her. But damn it, she was strong all the time. And if she couldn’t have off days in front of Beca then she couldn’t have off days in front of herself. The sniffle and gasping breaths that Aubrey couldn’t hold in alerted the singer from where she was in the process of blocking Alicia, and she dropped her phone immediately as she noticed the tears falling slowly down the side of Aubrey’s face.

“My love.” Beca said sadly, cupping her cheeks and pressing an upside-down kiss to her lips. “I-I’m not about to tell you not to cry but…but look around. Look at where we are. This is our place. All ours. It’s you and me and our place and our love. Nobody else is welcome here. Bree please…don’t you worry your pretty little mind, okay? I-I know that’s easier said than done but- shit, Aubrey.” There were tears threatening to fall from her own eyes now. Beca would never get used to seeing Aubrey cry. It always broke her heart. “People throw rocks at things that shine.”

Aubrey nodded, and her mouth upturned into a near-smile at the riddle. She loved it when Beca spoke in riddles and metaphors. It was a habit she picked up from her dad, and she did it without realising whenever she really, really meant something. It was a comfort to Aubrey because it always meant Beca was being her most honest and loving self.

Beca gently wiped the remaining tears off her girlfriend’s face as she continued speaking. “And…life makes love look hard. But…but our love isn’t. Our life is gonna be rocky for a little while, I know that, you have no idea how sorry I am. Just a little while, while we navigate the publicity. But our love won’t be. Right? This place is ours, this love is ours, nobody’s taking that away from us.”

Aubrey sat up and looked deeply into Beca’s eyes. What was usually an ocean blue had turned into a dark, misty midnight. Aubrey cupped Beca’s cheek and brought their heads together.

“How do you do that?” Aubrey asked her.

“Do what?”

Aubrey pressed a kiss to her lips and pulled back. “Make everything okay. Speak like that unrehearsed.”

Beca rolled her eyes. “You do it too.”

“I do?”

“Aubrey, you’re a lawyer. Come on.”

“It’s not the same.” Aubrey smiled gently.

“It is totally the same.”

“You were not like this in Barden. At all. It’s not the same. What changed?”

Beca looked down a little shyly and shrugged. “Started songwriting when we got together.”

Aubrey simply chuckled at Beca’s sudden bashfulness as if she hadn’t heard and given notes of a dozen of Beca’s songs that she was still perfecting for her next, more personal album. “I love you, Becs.”