Learning LGBT+ a guide for people new to the community

People seemed to like my bi/pan post so I decided to make a similar thing for asexuality! Please know that this is based on my own experiences within the community and I can’t speak for all aces. However I hope this can be a good starter for people to understand. A lot of ace stuff on here is heated arguments and I wanted to get away from that and provide a resource so people can learn without having to wade through the Discourse.

💖

Please note, I intentionally did not include anything about the “is ace queer” debate because it warrants a whole separate post and I want this to be accessible to anybody willing to learn, despite my personal feelings on that topic. Please do not bring your ace/queer debate onto this post, it is not the place. Thank you!!

Also for my last graphic, people re-posted to other social media and translated it into different languages and I’m totally fine w that! I would love if you keep the bottom credit and let me know if you do this. 😊

Plain text under the cut.

“You’re probably familiar with gender pronouns she, he and them, but what do ze and zir mean? There’s a long list of gender pronouns and it can be hard adjusting to using different ways of referring to people.

We asked transgender man Jackson Bird to explain what different pronouns mean, and share tips on how to ask someone their preferred pronouns, as well as how to let people know your own.

Being called the wrong pronoun can feel “demeaning” and “frustrating”, says Bird.

Respecting pronouns is especially important for transgender, non-binary and gender-non-conforming people who “have maybe had to work very hard to be seen in the world as they gender that we are, pronouns are particularly powerful”.

Transgender, non-binary and gender-expansive students deserve to feel seen, safe and supported in their classes. We partnered with Gender Spectrum on the release of new principles for gender-inclusive puberty education. 

I’m glad I was able to help! And that you were able to reach a new point in how you feel about yourself!

now to answer your question i wrote a whole bunch of words that i’ve organized into 3 parts. 1. lets look at and take apart that fear. part 2, some tips and tricks on how to feel more comfortable as a nonbinary person in your identity, and part 3, examples of how any pronouns you like or feel comfortable with are good.

Part 1:The fear of faking your gender, a nonbinary experience

I understand the feelings behind identifying as nonbinary and being afraid you may be faking it. There is a lot of stuff out in the Cultural milieu telling us that people frequently fake their gender and that saying you’re a gender outside of the one your assigned is bad? For some reason. But these are incorrect ideas because they are based on a flawed premise (transphobia)

Remember that you having an understanding of your gender identity doesn’t hurt anyone, and that you know and understand your gender better than anyone else looking at you from the outside.  Thinking “maybe I’m nonbinary” and identifying with nonbinary folks and concepts and experiences is a sign that you may in fact be nonbinary.

Most importantly, remember that being worried that you’re faking your gender identity is practically a universal experience for trans and nonbinary folks. Remember that cis folks don’t typically question their gender identity and that identifying with nonbinary and trans folks and their experiences and thinking you might relate is a symptom of being nonbinary and/or trans.

Ultimately if you have recognized that you do not totally identify as your assigned gender and discovered that you are nonbinary. It is ok to just be nonbinary!  The label is for you if you feel it fits!

Part 2: Tips and tricks and what worked for me

I definitely used to feel like I was faking my gender all the time but at one point or another I got passed it. I look in the mirror and see myself and think, that’s me, them, a nonbinary person.

Some things that worked for me:

1. Talk to other nonbinary people. Read a bunch of stuff nonbinary people have written, follow Jeffrey Marsh on Instagram or twitter or read their book, watch nonbinary youtubers, hear how people talk about their identity and see that there are many others that feel the same way as you.

2. JOIN a whole bunch of internet support groups for nonbinary folks (im in like 5 facebook groups about this) facebook and discord are the easiest ways to communicate with people more directly about gender online but there are some options on tumblr and Instagram and twitter too. More people to give advice, more people describe their experiences, more people to bounce feelings about gender off of to see what sticks for you! 10/10

3. Examine your motives, why would you fake your identity to yourself???? For imaginary woke points? No! any link to an identity you have forged comes from an earnest wish to understand yourself and how you exist in this world. You looked into yourself and asked “who am I” and came up with an answer. Who would know or understand that answer better than you?

Also, for me talking with my nonbinary friends (online and irl) really helped, we discussed what gender meant to us and how we viewed ourselves and wanted to be viewed by others and it was cathartic and wonderful.

Another thing that really helped me was a panel I went to at a comics expo about how to represent nonbinary characters in fiction. There was a panel of 6! Nonbinary comics artists and all of them looked different and talked different and had different pronouns and experiences. They had a moderated discussion and touched on a lot of things that really resonated with me and ultimately led to me realizing I was nonbinary myself.

Redgoldsparks, on tumblr was one of the people on this panel and ey also wrote a lot of comics called “genderqueer: a memoir” about eir experience as a nonbinary person (the collection of these and other comics in the series are coming out as a book later this year and when that comes out I recommend it so much)

Ey said something at that panel that stuck with me for a long time and it went something along the lines of “I just want to remind you that its ok to be nonbinary even if you are the only person that knows, even if you haven’t changed anything or told anyone, its ok”

And its true.

there is a lot of pressure put onto people to be sure, and there is this idea that people are faking identity left and right for some reason. But when it comes down to it. If you have identified a discomfort with your assigned gender and/or a joy in being seen as another gender and you believe the nonbinary label fits, then that label is for you.

Part 3:Remember! Pronouns don’t necessarily equal gender!

Anyone of any gender can go by any pronouns!

I personally know women who go by they/them or he/him

I personally know nonbinary folks of any agab that go by any combination of he/him she/her and they/them pronouns. Some that match their agab some that don’t, some go by all of the above, 2 of the above, and none of the above! All are equally valid and correct as long as the person feels they are the most relevant pronouns for them!

Any and all pronouns you feel comfortable with are acceptable and good.

you can find me at:

twitter- @nettlewildfairy 

instagram- @nettlewildefairy 

November 20th is Transgender Day of Remembrance, a day to remember all those who have lost their lives due to transphobia and anti-trans violence. And let’s put the blame where it should be - due to transphobic people who have chosen to be violent.

Murders (and also suicides) and violent assaults are disproportionately aimed at trans people compared to the general population - by a lot. I choose not to state the exact numbers, as I’m advised that this reduces the deaths of individuals to being just a number. It’s also important to note that this violence is also disproportionately directed towards trans women of colour.

Today is a good day to reflect upon what we as a society can do to make the world safer for trans people and to call out violence when we see it - and remember that violence can often start with violent thoughts and words that you and I can challenge when we hear them.

Today, Slightly Aggressive Affirmations remembers and honours the victims of transphobic violence. SAA is a safe space where gender diversity is recognised and your identity is always valid.

Here are some links:

About Transgender Day of Remembrance, from GLAAD

List of those killed since last year (TW: give names and includes the manner of death)

Trans 101 - with a nice video too

Asexual Awareness Week, Day Two.

A mini-list of words, items, or symbols you might find in asexual atmospheres: (____ can be substituted with -sexuality or -romanticism)

Aces - As in, from a deck of cards. Used as a basic symbol, especially the ace of spades.

Abro____ - Attraction that changes and fluxuates

Aceflux -  Sexual attraction that changes and fluxuates

Aroflux -  Romantic attraction that changes and fluxuates

Alloace - Shorthand for Alloromantic Asexual

Aroace - Shorthand for Aromantic Asexual

Autochoris____ - Attraction with a disconnect between oneself and the source of arousal, with little to no desire to participate

Allosexual/Zedsexual - Someone who feels sexual attraction

Alloromantic/Zedromantic - Someone who feels romantic attraction

Black Ring -  A black ring is most commonly worn on the right middle finger to signify asexuality

Celibate -  Someone who does not engage in sexual activity. Separate from sexual orientation.

Cupio____ - No attraction is felt, but there is a desire for a relationship

Demi_____ - Attraction that only develops after already having another kind of bond

Fray____ - Attraction that is initially strong, but tends to fade after forming a bond

Grey____ - Attraction that falls on the spectrum between Allo____ and A____

Hyposexual - Low sex drive

Litho____ - Attraction with no desire for reciprocation

Queerplatonic Relationship -  A non-romantic relationship based on platonic love that is stronger than friendship

Sex-Neutral/Sex-Indifferent -  Someone who is sex-neutral/indifferent may participate in sex for others benefit, but don’t really get anything out of it

Sex-Positive/Sex-Favorable -  Someone who is sex-positive enjoys sex

Sex-Repulsed/Sex-Averse -  Someone who is sex-repulsed is put off by the very idea of sex, grossed out, or plainly just doesnt like sex

Squish -  An aromantic crush, a desire for a platonic relationship with someone

Varioriented - When your sexual orientation and romantic orientation aren’t the same, i.e. Aromantic pansexual, heteroromantic asexual, or biromantic homosexual. etc.

Volit____ - Attraction directed at no one in particular

deeply relatable, and definitly something i went through recently 

A guide for questioning your gender with links and tips:

The big question to ask yourself is: what aspect are you uncomfortable with and what aspects are you cool with?

Gendered Perception vs. General Misogyny

someone saying real sexist shit is something that anyone that these insults are directed at but some things are more about being perceived as a gender than the insult themselves

examples: 

i am very uncomfortable when people say “ladies” in reference to me, or when shopkeepers call me “miss” or “Ma’am” 

these words are not inherently offensive and it doesn’t bother a lot of people but if it bothers you when you are perceived as a a woman in a neutral or positive context then 

im still uncomfortable when people give me compliments that are explicitly feminine gendered. even though they are compliments and i love compliments!

if a dear friend were called any of these who happily identifies as a woman would you be upset on their behalf? or would it be chill? how does this differ for if someone said the same to you?

would being complimented with different gendered compliments (or neutral compliments) make you feel better about the compliment? worse? the same?

things to try out: 

different names

different pronouns

different presentation

try joining a discord server, online space, or place irl where people will accept a gendered or genderless description of yourself at face value, go to that space with a different name and pronouns and see if compliments or gendering with a different gender makes you feel better, neutral, or worse.

source with extra info

Pronouns:

things to try:

try asking a chill friend or two to use different pronouns for a bit

or if your not comfortable with that go to pronoun dressing rooms online can help with your name, or a new name your thinking of, try reading about yourself in the third person, how does it feel?

play a video game as a character with different pronouns. 

how do you feel with different pronouns?

links:

pronoun dressing room

some gender neutral pronouns

Name:

how do you feel about your name?

good? bad? neutral?

try out some different names (a lot like pronouns) 

Presentation: 

performing femininity is a time consuming and difficult task. 

there are a lot of things that could bother a woman about it.

and there are a lot of the same and different things that could bother someone who isn’t a woman about it if going through it themselves. 

try dressing more masculine or androgynously

or try wearing no makeup if you wear it all the time

or don’t shave for 6 months

or cut off all your hair

dose the new look make you feel better? freer? happier? 

the same? worse? 

how about showing the look to a few trusted friends? how do you feel now?

links: 

nonbinary presentation photo series 

nonbinary presentation photo series 2

Body:

are you uncomfortable with the way your body looks?

are you uncomfortable with the way its perceived?

both? 

would you be happier if your body looked and/or was perceived differently?

things to try:

cosplay a character of a different gender 

in public 

or just post pics online

or send them to a friend

how does it feel to look different? 

to be perceived differently?

try binding:

borrow a friends or get one online gcb2 has a chill return policy. 

does binding make you feel better?

gcb2 sizing chart

look in the mirror and imagine a world where it was only your opinion of your body that mattered and the rest of the world didn’t exist

try photoshopping a different body for yourself

try and identify where the feeling is discomfort and where the feeling is positive

Gender nonconforming or not that gender:

after looking at all these things try and figure out what's making you uncomfortable overall, the gender, how the femininity or womanness is viewed, or what gender and/or expression you find most comfortable and happy in. 

browse some definitions of genders, read the experiences of or watch youtube videos by trans and nonbinary and gender nonconforming peeps.

after all this ask yourself:

what feels like your experience?

what feels good?

what feels like you?

additional links and info:

what is gender

gender glossary

abc’s of lgbt+ gender! videos

Aromantic Pop-Up

Asexual Pop-Up

Demisexual Pop-Up

Gray-Asexual Pop-Up

Page 1 - stay tuned, lovelies!

looking for a way to learn new pronouns or explain them to others? well look no more because i made this (short) resource list!

Pronoun Dressing Room

cool stories with your name and pronouns

works even for your own sets

Practice with Pronouns

interactive exercises

you can use your own sets

very useful for other people who have trouble getting pronouns right

Pronouns App

7 neutral pronouns to choose from

minimalistic design, user friendly…

it’s just nice ok?

Gender Neutral Pronoun Blog

not interactive, but includes some etymology & the beginning of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland with 5 different (neo)pronouns for Alice