J HUBBELL

Can I just say something?

GUESS WAT???

My nightmares have STOPPED my friends! Hasn't been an issue since Jan 23rd.

It's not that people don't believe me.

I'll share that there are Trauma Narratives, and there are intentional Healing/Restorative Trauma Narratives. I took a crack at the latter and felt damned cocky after! Big recommend! If you've got Trauma Narratives/Ruminations that run through your mind, you might as well rewrite them!

I was VERY cute. Still am!

It hurts to draw myself in this state at this point. I'd much prefer to illustrate myself becoming happier, healthier, easier. But this here is the truth. So I'm drawing it. I'm still hopping mad. And I have to remind myself that it's OKAY.

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It's not that my memories/trauma/feelings don't hurt.

It's that they don't ruin my day. They don't hold me hostage. They don't keep me up. They don't stop me from doing things.

That's a big deal. That's enough for me!

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I very nearly left this at simply me napping. Why? Because I have nothing to report!

No Trauma Drama!

None! Zilch! Nada! Bupkis!

Shoutout to Opal who wrote: Your comics make me happy, I love seeing the beauty you create and the love you share. I always enjoy seeing you tick down another therapy session and assignment because I know you're working through something difficult and you're coming out on top. You're making the world a better place just by being you and being more yourself. Sending you all the love!!! I tend to avoid people. Three or five people at a time is what I'm comfortable with, and preferably less.

What I've come to learn—however—is that isolation is bad for you. That Loneliness is a serious thing that shortens lives.

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At this point even a casual reader can grasp that Trauma Therapy is a long process. Trauma Therapy gets easier but is never easy.

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...SO YEAH

Those sketchbooks triggered the absolute hell outta me. At my last therapy session my mouth ran 100mph, and I hardly took a breath. The positive thing I can say in hindsight was it had been some time (months?) since I had any kind of panic or anxiety attack. Those were once very frequent.

I'm gonna go ahead and wrap my inner child in a giant bear hug for my next cartoon but for now PLEASE DO REMEMBER:

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I never expected the flash flood of affection and gratitude for the child I once was. I'd always looked down on that person. Hard to admit, but it's true.

And! Wow! I was gifted(??) I would not—could not—have survived without that spark I kept safe. That's not something you'd normally entrust to a kid, but here I am!

I'll never look down on my inner child ever again.

Welp! That was a 201 day hiatus!

I am back in the fray, intimidating though it was to resume. But you guessed it, I gave the inner child a hat and cloak. They took to Witchcraft like a duck to water, and it is something to watch them go.

The pain is still with me. But it works for me now. I'm the boss!

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Thanks for reading!

WHUPS ^_^

jthemthey.com/trauma-response I do love seclusion, which is intentional. But isolation really isn't, so when I start feeling especially lonely I gotta break this here US Patent Pending Isolation Chain™!

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Whups again! ^_^;

I did experience a racing heart drawing this, and when I became mindful of it; I responded with comforting music I loved. I calmed down and drew some feelings I wanted expressed. It was so needed!

Thanks for reading,

jthemthey.com/rebalanced

"Witchcraft took over. I knew to draw a bath, gather stones and light, and meditate. So I did. I rose some thousand miles above my feelings, and savored watching them (like ants below) slowly disperse and move on. When I returned to Earth it was on my own terms, and here I stand, grounded."

Thanks for reading!

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I don't have to write a description here if I don't feel like it.

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Y'all.

This program ENDS next week.

I have one more Trauma CPT Program left after this.

...but this one ends next week and I'll TELL U what I'm gonna do I'm going to finish this book and see it published!

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Not my final post, but my last assignment, yes.

DONE!

Y'all. From the start (12-20-22) to the finish (2-13-23) this process took a magical 420 days.

And I'm here to say. I look to this Trauma that once consumed me body and soul. It was like that for 14 years. And now?

Not only have I made peace with it, I have moved on. It doesn't have fangs anymore. I'm not saying I'm "cured." It just doesn't hurt like it used to. Not even close.

And I doubt it ever will ever again. I know that from experience.

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Final entry on this long post, and thanks for reading! Thank you especially to the folx inspired to support my work on Patreon.

I wanted to sit with myself for a while before drawing this. Let the jets cool, the smoke clear. What can I say? I don't celebrate until it feels safe!

And? I feel SAFE!

Absolutely painful memories are still painful. But I'm not being rag-dolled by them anymore. They don't intrude on my peace. I don't chew myself out or beat myself up over what happened in my schooldays. That's over.

Trauma Therapy is hard work. And so worth it.

And I love myself <3

I genuinely don't know how I feel about doing a trial of an SSRI. It has been suggested by medical professionals for some time now, and the straw that broke the camel's back was a particularly bad re-traumatizing(?) episode some weeks back.

The selling point for me was hearing it can help patients in the recovery process, and at that time I wanted all the help I could get. I must constantly remind myself that if I don't like it I can stop. It's been a rough transition so far, and I'm supposed to give it eight weeks. It's a lot.

Thanks for reading.

Thanks for reading,

This is the 10th Anniversary Edition of "It's Not A Race." Originally released in August, this version is months late because the prospect of adding pages to what is easily my most read works was particularly daunting.

It’s Not A Race, a comic by J Hubbell

PAGE 1

It was March 2015

Two snowflakes drift down, both with expressions that read, “I am so sick and tired of winter.”

I had just come out online as Transgender.

“Genderqueer actually” says J in a comfy sweater pointing up.

To my shock people approved.  Hundreds of them!

J sits at their computer reading incredibly kind feedback from complete strangers, their partner Alex smooches them lovingly.  It’s a tender scene, J’s eyes tear up because they’re not used to being seen, and so favorably.  Their cat Parsley (now deceased) shows up too, all cute.

It was lovely!

J beams, full of pride.

PAGE 2 

Feeling encouraged, I decided it was time to experiment.

J stands opposite a mirror in the bathroom, having freshly shaved their face they yell “YEAH!” because—at last—they are about to transition!

I bought makeup.  Lipstick.  Nail polish.  New clothes!

Each “female product” is illustrated below.  Each one was purchased from a Rite Aid before J knew “quality cosmetics” could not be found in such stores.  They were terrible.

I put it all together in my bedroom…

J stands there, their previous outfit in a pile on the floor alongside a shopping bag, a makeup kit, and a box of tissues.  Their posture looks stiff.

…And?

J looks anxious at first, and then their face flushes red and twists into a humiliated cringe. They panic as they think unkindly to themselves, “I’M A MONSTER!”

PAGE 3

I fell under attack by a special cocktail of Depression and Gender Dysphoria. J—still wearing the "new clothes" and makeup—looks down.  Destroyed.

You know the story…

Lots of showers.

J looks depressed while taking a shower.

Lethargy.

J lies on a couch, under a blanket, looking depressed.

Isolation.

J receives a text message from a friend inviting them out, “Want to catch a movie later?” it reads.  J looks depressed and responds, “Uhh…  No.  I’m not up for it.”

Anguish

J continues to look depressed so their partner Alexandria asks, “Are you okay?” J replies, “I don’t know.” It’s pretty clear they’re not okay.

Anger

The central illustration is simply J looking pissed off.  Dark storm clouds surround their head. Their teeth are gritted, eyes narrowed.  People raised “male” are often socialized to believe that anger is the only safe emotion to express when in pain.

It was like that for months.

PAGE 4

Luckily I have smart friends:

“You should take baby steps!” says a chat coming from J’s computer.

“Baby steps?” repeats J? looking unsure?

Their desk is rather disheveled, and so is J who is wearing clothes they typically only sport when seriously depressed.

“My friend is building up to transitioning.  She’s taking it slow…”

Dana Glover writes this from her apartment on a laptop.  She has cool tattoos and a cat named Edgar inspecting her activity.  She’s wearing bat pajamas too.  Typical goth.

“...She tried doing it all at once but found it overwhelming.”

J takes in this concept on the other side.  Their eyes boggle because overwhelm is exactly their experience.

PAGE 5

First of all.  Duh?

J lets out a fart as they are struck head on by a train going 180 kilometers per hour labeled “The Obvious Express.” 

I had always thought gender transitions were massive undertakings.

Below, a figure pushes a massive boulder up a hill.  The illustration is based on the Greek myth/story of “Sisyphus.”

But when I broke them down into smaller pieces…

There are four puzzle pieces and five colors used here.

…I could explore on my own terms.

J stands in front of a grid of options.  They wear a black tank top and their cat Parsley (now deceased) affectionately headbutts their lower back.  The grid of today's gender choices reads: Vaporwave, Makeup, Footwear, Jewelry, Birding, Nails, Skirts, Kale, Poetry, and Professional Wrestling (the superior option.)  J points happily to their selection, “I might try nail polish today!”

PAGE 6

Feminism was a huge help

I learned beauty is far more than cosmetics…

“Required” makeup is sexist!” says J who tosses a collection of makeup trinkets over their shoulder.  They’re sticking out their tongue with a look of disdain.  They’re wearing a faded yellow t shirt.

…That my gender was mine to express how I pleased.

“I do love lipstick though,” beams J sporting a nice pink shade.  They’re wearing a black scoop-neck blouse. 

The results felt amazing.

“Why would I shave?  Who cares?!  Woo!” shouts J.

They’re wearing a blue floral skirt Alexandria made for them, paired with a pink croptop, leather arm braces (Renaissance Fair type apparel), and heart shaped sunglasses.  The lipstick is black and the hair is a wig.  It’s important you know they’re sporting a beard and plenty more body hair.  The look is what a polite Cisgender Aunt might call “unconventional.”

PAGE 7

Then There’s Alexandria

Alexandria is J’s partner and spouse.  They met in the 6th grade.  Started dating in 2008.  And in the year 2026 they’ve been married a full decade.  How about that?

She is my heart

Alexandria is hunched over a work desk hand sewing J’s first skirt, a task performed flawlessly during a time when J was too anxious to purchase a skirt for themself, not even from a thrift store.  The act was kind and loving, and J was actually an impatient jerk the entire time it happened.  You can tell from the illustration, they have no chill whatsoever.  They’re sweating profusely over this.

She is thunder

J and Alexandria are “Gettin’ Gay Married,” and seal their vows with a kiss.  J is wearing makeup, a blue dress, with their hair in braids, and their face mustached.  Lex wears an outfit she made herself (naturally.)  Her eyes are lined with happy tears.

My Rock (Standing by me)

Lex holds J in her arms while they sob.  She’s in a black sweater, they’re in a leopard print bathrobe.  J was going through their 2nd program of Cognitive Processing Therapy, part of a Trauma program to help with their CPTSD (Chronic/Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.)

Goddexx

The pair of Witches J and Alexandria hoot and holler over a cauldron surrounded by lit candles.  Both hold wands but only Lex has a Book of Shadows marked with Lunar symbol of Usagi Tsukino (Sailor Moon.)  Hearts, bats, and skulls float about, and the Clan Chisholm motto reading “Feros Ferio."

Sunlight 

Lex provides “hair lessons” to J.  She’s teaching them how to put their hair up in simple twists but J’s neurodivergence is making things particularly spicy. They're in tears because they just don’t get it.  Lex sweats a bit because she doesn’t get what J doesn’t get about this.

Moonlight

Alexandria's Masters of Science degree falls to the floor because J has her in a giant bear hug.  Alexandria's dress is black, J’s dress is green, and Alexandria has become a librarian officially.  Higher education and what not.

A friend like her is hard to find.

The point of this page is to reflect that without J’s partner Alexandria the rocky road of their transition would’ve been marked by craters, downed trees, and lots of fire.

PAGE 8

Ten years into my transition and this much I’ll promise.

Love your libraries!

“Any book ya want they got!” J has long hair and pierced ears now, they still sport facial hair.  They’re holding a book by Audre Lorde, and there is also a book by James Baldwin, and “The Grapes of Wrath” by John Steinbeck.  The drawing cuts off the cover so it’s unreadable, but bell hooks’ book “All About Love” is referenced.

Study Nonviolence!

“Practice on yourself watch what happens!”  J poses like a dancer (they have hairy legs) alongside floating symbols of love, peace, harmony, and nature!  Also J farts, “foof!”

Therapy!

“Sometimes you need help.  Took me four tries and saved my life.”  J hugs themself with hearts floating about them.  They're wearing a torc, an ancient style of necklace.

PAGE 9

These days…

I love my long hair.

J’s hair is easily five times longer (took three years to grow!) than when they first appeared in this comic in 2015.  They’re wearing a Witch hat and their style of glasses befits Wizardry etc.  They’ve still plenty of facial hair and they still love lipstick.  They’re sticking out their tongue and saying, “Nyeh!”

I love wearing dresses

“Shabby ones especially!” J is posing in a black dress (they needed “fourish” years to wear dresses in public) in tatters.  There are two new cats prowling by their feet alongside a stack of books cheekily labeled “more feminism.”  There’s a reference to ATW or “All Trans Wrestling” on a mug nestling over the books.

I’m Trans Nonbinary

“I’m proud and exquisite!” J poses with a tank top and the same blue floral skirt Alexandria made for them.  They’ve worn it every summer since.  Their hair is in twists, they sport a torc, and facial hair still.  Hairy armpits too if you must know.

I love going at my own pace.

J stands contemplating a rock on a stony beach.  Seagulls squawk and fly about the page.  They’ve been staring at this one rock for at least ten minutes, an onlooker might easily assume J is out of their mind, and it doesn’t help that J is wielding a wooden staff and dressed like a Wizard except for the short shorts, knee socks, and converse sneakers.

PAGE 10

What I learned was…

…Some express gender exactly one way.

A Trans Femme is happily reading a “Sapphic Space Empress” book (volume 12!)  They’re wearing cute heart earrings, a cute cravat style neck piece, and a frilly floral dress in purple and pink.

Others harmonize.

An Intersex Nonbinary “Bro” sports a hat with the Pansexual Pride flag and one big word,“YES.”

He has long hair and looks kind of like a shaggy skater (hot) with a rolled up flannel shirt over a black tank top.  They have hair arms, a hair chest with ample cleavage, and black tights ripped in two places around the knee.  He’s definitely giving you the eye, and by the way he has at least five piercings on the one visible ear.

Some transition full throttle.

Another Trans Femme proudly states, “I woke up like this!”  She has long flowing curly black hair, hoop earrings, professional style makeup, and complete comfort and confidence.

Others don’t.

An anxious person in a hoodie and a button up top and glasses shly speaks the words, “Almost!  Not yet.”  Because it’s only human to be a person without complete comfort and confidence.

And it’s fine if you don’t!  It’s not a race!

“Love yourself!” says J on the side.

“Love everyone!” emphasizes Alexandria in front of them.

Thanks for reading,

This is the 10th Anniversary Edition of "It's Not A Race." Originally released in August, this version is months late because the prospect of adding pages to what is easily my most read works was particularly daunting.

I won a mini grant and 150 copies of "It's Not A Race" will be printed in B&W Risograph. This will be the first time this comic will be available as a stand-alone book. And when I fully digested the absurdity of that?

Thanks for reading,

This is the 10th Anniversary Edition of "It's Not A Race." Originally released in August, this version is months late because the prospect of adding pages to what is easily my most read works was particularly daunting.

It's been a joy hearing from readers. I'm thrilled and honored to know my work has (still!) moved people, and frequently moved them to acts of kindness. Thank you so much. Thank you especially for being kind to yourself <3 There was this one time I reblogged "It's Not A Race" and included a handful of photos showing off various looks/ensembles

I figured I'd do the same here, 10 years later edition.

Peace be with you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for being you.

-J

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