any cute girls wanna volunteer to kiss me on new year’s eve ??

vibing with someone who has the same goofy energy as you is so therapeutic.

they should invent a digestive system that works

Hate diet culture so much bitches will b like “don’t eat processed carbs they’re so bad for you” like and??? So what?? God did not give us grain and stone to grind it with for no reason. Bread is inevitable. Bread is food for the heart and the soul. U think I’m gonna give that up in pursuit of instagram fitness?? U think I’m gonna deny myself the simple pleasure of toast with jam so I can endlessly chase an ever-shifting standard of beauty that ultimately means nothing? In 20 years I will no longer be beautiful and in 60 my body will be vacant food for other, smaller creatures. But the taste of fresh bread? Of homemade donuts and still-warm pie? I will carry the taste on my tongue into whatever follows this life. So like. Stop telling me I should diet lmao. I’m not abt to martyr myself just to get a man to look at me.

Op genuinely thank you for this

hi, ummm. this is awkward. haha. yeah um do you think you could push your boulder up somewhere else? like a different hill? because this one’s kind of already taken. yeah it’s the one i’ve decided to die on, so.

yeah thanks. um and if you see that woman who sometimes comes running up here could you tell her that i’m- yeah the one who makes all those deals with god. yeah. could you tell her this is the hill i’m dying on and she needs to find a different one? fuck hang on i can see those two kids with that pail of water again give me a second-

shoutout to the poor person who tried to email the registrar and instead emailed the mailing list of all registered students resulting in every student at this university realizing, at 1am on a sunday, that they all had the power to send emails to every single student at once which in turn resulted in a grand total of 2,201 emails being sent in a two hour period to Every Single Student at this school. all of us. every single one.

Was stuck in traffic thirsty dying etc so I ripped open a Capri sun with my teeth bc u know one hand on the wheel and sucked the whole thing dry in 10 sec flat only to glance in my right side mirror to see a young man staring at me in the next car horrified

cmon child safety lid you know it's me

Richard Nixon once called in staff to help him open an allergy-pill bottle. It was the childproof type of bottle, with instructions saying “Press down while turning.” The cap had teeth marks on it where Nixon had apparently tried to gnaw it open

hey girl are you a worm because

goddammit. i hit post too early

hey girl are you a worm because i am hooked on you

actually i guess it would be. hey girl are you a hook because i am wormed on you

no it wouldn't that's nothing

hey girl are you a fishing rod because i am hooked on you

hey girl are you a fishing rod because i'd like to reel you in

hey girl. fish

LOVE IS THE WHOLE POINT. OF IT ALL