i put on my robe and wizard hat

oh shit it’s darkiplier!!!! save me secretary of defense james mattis!

my dad is currently building a shelf for his power tools in the shed. beautifully poetic - without the tools, he would have no means to build the shelf; but without them, there would also be no need to build it in the first place. the snake bites its own tail. if the tail was makita compact circular saw

Genuinely why is everyone 12 now.

The worst part is that everyone else being 12 is making me more 12 out of necessity. Like what do you mean my most very strongly held and controversial beliefs now include "cover your mouth when you cough that's yucky" and "it's good to be nice and bad to be mean. You shouldn't be mean to people." That's the shit they used to get mad at me on the playground for.

They teach you this shit on carebears man. They teach you this shit on the smurfs.

me comforting my mullet husband and assuring him that he is still masculine after he had to see another mans butt cheek

this is an image with a lot of power and while my instincts are telling me to lean into it I don’t feel like the life I’ve lived to this point has equipped me to do it safely

u know when someone really annoying is talking and you can almost hear the XDDDDD in their voice

what’s wrong with “xD”?

not now quirkybrittany

wow dude jts so awesome that your car is loud as fuck and smells worse when it drives past. thags fucking epic man. i really like how it hurts to listen to you drive past and it scares people. thats awesome man. i really like your car that makes a loud as fuck fart sound. fucking epic dude

let's all shoot our phones and meet each other outside

I met every single creepy pasta and they wre all nice to me

making the "is this joke millennial enough to crosspost to bluesky" mental calculation

oh, of course. because he died for our sins.

i literally dont care if women are evil

just finished learning how strong i can be if i have to!! i hope the next thing i learn is something fun and awesome 😁😁😁