The Legend of Archer

Hawley: Well, there's gonna be just a whole bunch of charges, but... mostly treason. Archer: Treason? Lana: What? Archer, what'd you do? Hawley: No, no, not just him. You too, Ms. Kane. Lana: What? Hawley: Yeah, everybody. Especially you, Mrs. Archer. Lana: Is this about the fake hydrogen bomb? Malory: Lana... Hawley: No, but let’s put a pin in that. This is about conducting espionage operations for years with no authority or permission whatsoever from the United States government. Lana: Huh? Archer: Wait, what? Mother? Lana: Like, fifty times, I asked you about that! Malory: And, like, fifty times, I lied. Sue me.

Archer: Well, he died doing what he loved... getting shot.

Lana: [To Malory] You, through some shady deal with the Border Patrol, sent us to South Texas to capture an individual named Moreno. [flashback] Archer: Mexico’s most notorious coyote… Which is Español for “people smuggler.” Lana: Thanks. That's— Archer: And also for… coyote, it turns out. Lana: Archer— Archer: It’s a loanword. Or is it a calque? Lana: Why do you always do this? Archer: Because I’m always bored. Cyril: Is he…? This is totally nerve-wracking. How are you bored? Lana: Don’t engage him. Archer: Because I’ve been lying in scorpion piss for two hours in the sun-blasted shit-hole which is Texas, waiting for a stupid truck stuffed with smallish brown people who just want a job!

Malory: But they were blanks! Weren't they? Archer: Only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards.

Ron: Gimme a break, ah? That wasn’t my fault Archer: Yeah, no. I mean obviously this was all due to the butterfly effect. Ron: The what? Archer: Butterfly effect. You know, a butterfly in Africa lands on a giraffe’s nose, the giraffe sneezes, that spooks a gazelle, the gazelle bonks into a rhinoceros, and the rhinoceros blindly stampedes into a phone booth, calls New York somehow, and says “Hey, go kill this idiot Ron, for a suitcase,” because the rhinoceros speaks English! What’s in the suitcase, Ron?

Archer: You’re shitting me! Bionic legs, and you lift with your back?

Malory: Swear to God, you people make me want to pump nerve gas through the vents. Krieger: [over the intercom] Just say the word.

4x08 Coyote Lovely

Cheryl: Do anything fun this weekend? [Malory ignores her] Cheryl: ‘Cause I sure did. Friday night was cornhole league, and… Malory: If I cared what you did on a weekend, I’d put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes. Cheryl: On Saturday, I watched a building burn down.

Randy: Do you want to have sex with my wife? Archer: No! I... I swear, this was just an extremely unlikely mishap with the barbed wire. Randy: Because we would be amenable to that. [beat] Well? Why do you look so nonplussed? Archer: Because I wasn't sure if you knew what "amenable" actually meant, until you followed it up with "nonplussed".

Archer: Damn it, Cyril! You said they were sexy! Cyril: Ninjas are sexy!

Archer: Lana. Lana! LANAAA! Lana: WHAT? Archer: Danger Zone.

Pam: ...plus I'm a quick learner, plus you've seen me drive, I'm an amazing driver, plus I almost never get sick, plus I already bought three pantsuits, plus... Malory: Alright! I'll think about it. Pam: Is that a real “you'll think about it”, or a "Pam, if your pig Leon wins a blue ribbon at the county fair, maybe we won't kill him and eat him for Easter dinner and render what's left into soap" “you'll think about it”? Malory: It's... Pam: Because I never really got over that. Malory: It's a real one. Pam: YAAAY! Malory: But thank you for that glimpse into your bleak, farm-y childhood.

Archer: So, let me guess... Lana: Yeah. Whoever he is, he ghosted an ID file on our worldwide database. Archer: Yeah, which you probably found while you were researching me. Lana, ‘cause you’re in the, ah, DANGER ZONE! Lana: And those were his last words, right before he bled to death on the rug.

Lana: And what do we know about this guy? Archer: Only that he's uncircumcised. [beat] Lana: Okay, glossing over how you know that— Archer: We touched penises. Lana: NO! GLOSSING!

Archer: Holy shit, our security is atrocious. Seriously, it’s really bad. [computer prompts him for a password] Archer: Password. Hmm, password? How about “Guest”. [it works] Archer: No way! It can’t be. Jesus Christ, that is just… babytown frolics.