lauraallafics

During the years, Dan and Phil have said ‘I love you’ to each other more times than what they can count. This is a compilation of five of the most important.

1. The first time.

Dan’s anxiety about visiting Phil for the first time disappeared the moment he was able to hug Phil. Something about that action gave him tranquility, and all his doubts about Phil not really wanting him to go there went away. Both of them stood in that hug a bit too much, but they didn’t mind. They could feel the other’s warmth entering colliding with their own, and it was an amazing feeling.

However, they had to pull away at some point, and when they did, it began the best day of their lives. Phil showed Manchester to Dan, who fell in love with it as soon as he walked its streets. They talked and joked and laughed around the city for the rest of the day, and Dan realized what happiness really was.

When both of them arrived to Phil’s house, Dan crashed into the bed with a smile on his face. Phil laughed a bit, and sat next to him, playing with his hair. Dan sighed content and leaned into Phil’s touch.

“You are like a cat,” Phil said, smiling. Dan moved just enough to look at him and stuck out his tongue.

“You love me like this.” Dan’s words left his mouth before he could think about them and once he realized what he had said, he turned around again so Phil couldn’t see how red his face was turning.

“Yeah, I think I actually love you,” Phil whispered, just enough for Dan to hear him. He sat up, to face Phil, seeing that he was blushing as much as he was. He smiled before talking again, in the same tone Phil had used.

“I think I love you too.”

This would be the beginning of their long history.

2. The existential crisis.

Phil had noticed Dan was stressed because of college. He wasn’t happy with the major he was studying… or with college at all. He wasn’t passing the subjects and he was anxious about it. He had started to eat less, talk less, sleep less… And Phil was worried.

He had tried to talk to him, but nothing worked. He closed himself every time the subject appeared which led to Dan getting out of the room and not talking to Phil for a few hours. Phil could see his suffering and started to think of plans to make him relax for a bit, just enough so he could not stress all the time about it.

“Dan, come here for a sec!” Phil called one day. The other boy was supposed to be studying, but he couldn’t care less. He needed to talk to him and make him listen.

“I’m studying, Phil. Can’t you come?” Phil heard from his room. He rolled his eyes and shouted back.

“No, I have a problem and I need you right now!” He swore he could her Dan sighing before his answer.

“Going!”

When Dan entered the lounge, he was met by Phil, running around him with a rope to tie him up. Dan screamed, but didn’t move while Phil tied the knot. Then Phil pushed him into the sofa with a satisfied smile on his face.

“Are you going to tell me why you’ve just tied me up or you just plan on observing how I lose my mind?” Dan said, trying to hide his smile. It had been funny watching Phil running around and the situation itself was quite delirious.

“I’ve done this because I love you, and I’m worried about you. Dan, you’ve had more mental breakdowns in these last months than in your whole life. I don’t want to just watch how you fall apart.”

“That’s why you’ve tied me up, so I won’t fall apart? Because that’s not very useful.” Dan’s words lightened the mood a bit making both of them laugh.

“Dan, I’m worried about you, and you never want to talk about it. This is the only way I could find to make you talk, or at least listen.” Dan nodded, making Phil continue. “I’m not saying that you need to quit or study less, that’s something you have to decide and I am not gonna influence you in that decision. What I want to say is, you should take some time to rest, manage better your time, have free days.” Dan sighed, but nodded.

“I know that. It’s just… When I’m not doing anything I feel like I’m doing nothing, like I wasting time. Could you help me with that?” Phil smiled and sat next to him, starting to untie him.

“Of course,” Phil said kissing him briefly on the lips.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

3. The end of a fight.

Shouts had been heard around the house only an hour ago. Dan and Phil were going through a difficult time, fighting about everything and spending less time with the other, trying to avoid the fights.

This last one had been one of the worst. Both of them had said things they were regretting and crying about. Each man was in his own room, crying silently in their beds, thinking about how they could fix what had just happened.

Phil was too emotionally drained to do anything this time. He would normally be the one who would knock on Dan’s door and apologize, and both of them would cry together until there weren’t more tears and everything was fine. However, Dan knew that this time it wouldn’t be like that. He had fucked up badly.

So he stood up, his face and eyes red from the tears that still rolled down his face. He went out of his room and spent ten minutes in front of Phil’s deciding if he should knock or not. After a bit of thinking, he regained the courage to do it, and he knocked softly on the door.

Phil opened the door almost immediately, and Dan’s heart broke. Phil’s hair was messy, as if he had been pulling it out of stress; his eyes were red, but no tears were to be seen, Dan supposed this was because he had cleaned them before opening; and he was paler than usual. Dan jumped to hug him once he saw this.

“I love you, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything I said before. I love you so so so so much,” Dan said really fast. Phil just hugged him tighter, not having the strength to say it back.

4. Moving.

“I love this place so much!”

Phil shout echoed through the empty halls. Dan laughed and the sound echoed with Phil’s words. They were in a now city, searching for a new beginning together. Their new flat was bigger than the one in Manchester and both of them were excited. They still had to take the boxes that they had outside into the flat and that meant climbing a million stairs with each box, but they didn’t care in that moment.

“I love this place, but I love you more than this place,” Dan said, hugging Phil from the back and resting his head on the other’s shoulder. He was now a bit taller than Phil and he was so glad he could do that. Phil turned around to kiss him.

“I love you too.”

5. Thinking about the future.

Dan and Phil had gone through everything together. Now, with a tour done and another tour to do, and a new house to live in; both of them couldn’t help but be glad to be together. They wouldn’t be there if it hadn’t been for the other, and that was just a fact.

They were lying on the bed, arms and legs tangled and smiles on their faces. They had had a conversation about the ‘what comes next’. What comes after the tour? What comes after the move to their definite house? But none of them mattered in the end.

“I don’t care about what comes next anymore. I’ll be happy if you are with me,” Dan had whispered.

“I love you; I love the man you have grown to be. I’m so glad that I could see you grow up into this amazing person that you are now.” Phil’s tone was as loud as Dan’s, which wasn’t loud at all.

“I love you too. I love that you have helped me grow and kept me sane and safe. Thank you for putting up with my shit and for loving me the way you do.”

Phil was the clumsiest person Dan had ever met. This wasn’t just a joke that they had between them and their audience, Phil was really a hazard for himself and others. There weren’t enough numbers to how many times Dan had heard a mysterious crash followed by an apologise from Phil; and the less we talk about how many times Phil fell down the stairs each week, the better.

So it was only natural for Dan to get scared when he went into the lounge and saw Phil on top of a ladder.

“What the hell are you doing, Phil?!” Dan’s screaming startled Phil, who almost fell down.

“Dan! Don’t scared me like that!” He shouted back.

“But what are you doing?” Dan was confused and scared. He feared for Phil’s security more than what he would admit.

“The light bulb needed to be changed, so I’m doing it.”

“Okay, be careful, please.”

“When am I not careful?” Phil said, but got indignated when he saw Dan’s sarcastic expression.

“Just don’t fall and break something,” Dan answered, moving closer to the ladder and supporting it so it wouldn’t move.

“You mean don’t break the desk or don’t break my body?” Phil questioned while he put the light bulb in, not looking at Dan.

“Both, to be honest. Just, do it quickly.”

After another minute, of Dan suffering for Phil’s security, he finished and went down the ladder. Dan didn’t let him two seconds before he hugged him. Phil laughed a bit and hugged back, playing with the younger’s hair.

“If you ever need to do something like this again, you call me. I help you get up there or I go up the ladder; but don’t scare me like that ever again, okay?”

“Dan, I’m okay. Actually, I’m a bit offended that you don’t have faith in me.” Phil turned away from him in fake offense. Dan hugged him from behind before whispering in his ear.

“I don’t need faith. I have proof that you are the clumsiest person in the world, so don’t ever scare me like that again.”

After that, Dan went out the room and into his (their) bedroom, leaving an indignated Phil on the lounge, who ran after him once he processed what had happened. He knocked on the door until Dan opened.

“You did not just say that,” Phil whispered.

“I think I did, what are you going to do about it?”

The winter holidays brought with them a lot of good things: time to relax, loads of food, presents... However, for Dan, they also brought a lot of fear.

As the Christmas lights started to appear in the streets, Dan’s anxiety started to grow little by little. Even if he didn’t like to admit it, he was scared of going home. It wasn’t that he hated his family; he loved them... most of the time, at least. However, sometimes they were too much for him, and there were only too many homophobic comments he could hear in one day.

Phil, of course, used to notice this soon enough, and helped him through it, making sure that he would be able to go home and not have a mental breakdown. This year, he wasn’t quick enough, though.

First things first, Dan had had a bad day. Their alarm hadn’t sound, so they had woken up way later than what Dan wanted. Of course, this wasn’t a problem for Phil, who already had finished doing everything he had to do for the week, and was just waiting for Dan to record more Gamingmas videos.

On the other hand, Dan had to do a lot of stuff. He hadn’t bought all of his Christmas presents, he still had a video to edit and he needed to get everything ready to go with his family for the holidays. The last thing wasn’t as important as the other, because he still had more than a week until he had to go.

Phil was supposed to leave a few days before Dan, and that was one of the factors that made him more stressed. He was going to be alone with his thoughts and he was scared. To be honest, he didn’t really want to go with his family this year.

To continue this horrific morning, he had been unable to go shopping, as it had started to rain. He was used to London rain, don’t get him wrong, but that wasn’t just a little bit of rain; it was a huge storm, and he wasn’t about to go out there alone. This potentially increased his stress.

Dan decided then to go edit, as he wouldn’t be able to go outside that day. He wanted to cry when he couldn’t find his charger. His laptop wouldn’t turn on, and the charger was nowhere to be seen, and suddenly everything was too much for him.

Phil found him there, sat on the floor, hugging his knees, crying and hyperventilating. Phil ran to him as soon as he saw him. In less than two seconds he was on the floor next to him, taking Dan’s hands into his and rubbing circles in his palms.

“Dan, honey, breathe. Take a deep breath. C’mon, in... And out...”

Dan followed his instructions and little by little, he calmed down. Then Phil cupped his face with his hands and made him look at him. Dan sighed, but didn’t say a word, waiting for Phil to say something.

“What has happened, Dan?”

“I just... I don’t know... Everything became too much, and the stress and everything...”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, Dan. I actually had something to propose you. My mom told me to invite you to spend Christmas with us this year. What do you say?”

Dan couldn’t believe what was happening. He had never thought about doing that. He had always felt that kind of obligation of going with his family for the holidays, not wanting to be judge if he wasn’t there, because where could he be to make a good excuse? However, if the Lesters had invited him for Christmas, he did have a reason not to go.

Dan’s mind was going faster than ever and Phil was starting to get worried, seeing that his boyfriends didn’t respond to him. After a few minutes, he talked again:

“It’s okay if you don’t want to come, you are not obligated or anything...”

“No, Phil is not that. I’d loved to go. I just feel like my family won’t approve of it.” Dan’s voice grew quieter as he was talking.

“Dan, you are an independent person, you don’t need to worry about what they’ll say because they don’t conduct your life. You make your own decisions even if they don’t like it. They can’t judge you.” Dan hugged him as soon as the words left Phil’s lips. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was.

“Thank you. I love you.” Phil pulled apart a bit.

Dan wasn't sure how he had gotten to this point, but he was on a plane alone. This situation was especially weird because he didn’t have Phil by his side. On the contrary, he was seated next to an old fat man, who was invading Dan’s personal space.

The only thought keeping Dan from opening the plane door and jumping off of it was the text he had received from Phil before the plane had take off:

“I’ve already checked the time your plane arrives. I’ll pick you up at the airport. I can’t wait to see you.”

Half of the way, Dan had been reading that message over and over again. He missed Phil too. They had only been away from the other for a few days, but that was a lot of time for them. This situation was weird in itself because, unless it was Christmas, they would be together everyday.

The whole journey seemed like an eternity for Dan, who wouldn’t stop looking at the watch in his phone, or looking at some pictures of him and Phil. He knew he had a stupid grin on his face with each photo he passed, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was utterly in love with that man and he couldn’t help it.

This only aggravated his need to hug Phil and that made him anxious. He just couldn’t wait until they could finally be together and hug, and kiss, and cuddle until the sun hid. He needed it like, in that exact moment, his skin was itching for a hug from his boyfriend.

When the plane started to land, Dan’s heart was beating faster than ever, and he was scared it was going to jump out of his chest. He rushed to get his bags and practically ran outside the door once they arrived. Hi went as fast as he could through security and searched for Phil.

Let’s just say it was a good thing Phil was tall.

No one could ever tell who saw each other first, as both started running at the same time. Before they knew it, they were both a mess of limbs and happy tears. They could live in that moment forever, they were well aware that someone could recognize them at any point, so they had to be quick.

An hour later, both of them had arrived home (technically they had arrived home when they had hugged, but now they were in the physical place they called ‘home’) and were cuddling in their sofa, the TV just making background noise.

Phil loved Dan. That was one of the things he realised that same December morning that Dan was coming again to visit him. They hadn’t known each other for so long, but he felt a strong connection with the younger boy. He had never felt as happy as he felt whenever he was with him. It hadn’t been until that morning when he realized that what he was feeling was love.

Phil also loved snow. Not in the same way as he loved Dan, obviously, but he was always happy whenever it snowed. He loved watching how the snow fell, covering everything in a white blanket while he was warm and cosy inside his bed.

The thing was, even if he loved both Dan and snow, he was now hating them both. Why had Dan decided to visit him the same day a giant storm arrived in his town? It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see him, it was just that it was cold and wet and he had a least half an hour or more to the station and then both of them would have to go all the way back (because there was no way they were going for a walk with that storm outside.

He had gone to the station with a lot of spare time in case the train arrived early. However, as expected, it was going to arrive late as Phil realised by Dan’s messages and the voice from the ceiling who kindly repeated every two minutes.

“There’s been a delay in all the train because of the storm. Please wait.”

Phil huffed as he heard it for the sixth time. He was nervously looking at his phone, waiting for updates from Dan, which were more efficient than the information they were giving him at the station.

When the train finally arrived, Phil was freezing. He had a coat and two jumpers underneath it, and he had been standing there with an open umbrella and another one closed in his hand. Dan saw him before the older caught his gaze, and ran to him, hugging him tightly. Phil was startled for a minute, but hugged him back.

“I brought you an umbrella,” Phil said handing it to him with a smile on his face.

Dan smiled back, hugging him again while taking the umbrella. Both of them were cold but in that moment, it didn’t matter.