...

Private Equity: Pestilence (they are parasites that voraciously strip the value out of a healthy business until it withers and dies)

Workforce Optimization: Famine (cutting hours and employees until the business is starved of staff, barely functioning)

gingerbread shapeshifting is a hereditary male-only curse

you shapeshift into a giant gingerbread man during Big Emotions (and also over Christmas I think?)

it kicks in during puberty

to defeat the curse you must transform in front of someone you love and have them accept you for who you are (big sentient gingerbread man)

gingerbread shapeshifters live in fear that this opens themselves up to their loved one running away screaming in fear or alternatively, y'know, eating the giant gingerbread man who suddenly appears before them

this needs to happen before your 30s (roughly) otherwise you remain in gingerbread man shape permanently

and then you get shipped off to the Black Forest to defend said forest and be constantly hunted down by people trying to steal gingerbread magic

the Black Forest is also where gingerbread shifters originate from btw

if you're a woman in this family line, you don't shapeshift but you also need to find a mate by a deadline

you can do this by just giving someone a cookie you've baked yourself

also this

*if comfortable doing so, you may include your age range/generation in the tags for helpful demographic data

Nobody was behind me in line, which seemed to be a good reason for her to treat me to a five minute retelling of the identification, rescue, and argument over initial custody of Kit Kat, who was so small they thought when they first heard him crying for help that he was a bird and not a kitten in a tree, and is now fifteen pounds of "pure, sculpted lardass".

And I didn't mind, precisely, I wasn't bored or anything, but around the time she was bringing me up to speed on Kit Kat's current status it occurred to me that this woman is a cashier in a store that primarily sells candy bars and beverages. People must buy Kit Kat bars from her multiple times a day. Does she do this every time there's nobody in line behind the purchaser? Did I just have that I Own Several Cats And Will Enjoy Your Cat Stories look about me? Was it the first time it occurred to her that she sold the brand of candy bar she named her cat after? Was she new to the job of selling Kit Kat bars?

I was in the same snack shop, which I'm in, like, once a month, recently. I only recognized her because I spent five minutes listening to this monologue in sincere wonder. But I did recognize her, so as I was buying a soda and a Milky Way bar (this time) I said, without thinking about how this would come across, "Hey, how's Kit Kat?"

She looked genuinely horrified and said, "What...how?"

"Oh fuck!" I blurted. "Sorry! You told me about him last time!"

This is still quite cryptic as responses go but she gave me a frankly frantic look of sudden recognition and said, "He's fine! You bought a Kit Kat! I was unmedicated!"

I did not inform her she is small town famous on Tumblr and instead just said, "Glad you're both doing well!" and we parted as confused and mortified friends.

None of this cheerleader stuff for soccer, oh no sireee, I mean, no disrespect to cheerleaders who put a LOT of work and effort into their performances, but somehow "Rah-Rah! We're the best" from peppily gymnastic young things can't quite match the sheer power of entire stadiums of grown up fans yelling at the top of their lungs things like....

It's unclear if this one originated with the English of Scottish games (spelling of "old" as "auld" notwithstanding), but either way, well done.

And it's striking home too! :D