Travails of an OFW

My sister Bam is one of my favorite sisters and one of the closest. However, after my mother died in 2019, I stopped talking to her. I really supported her financially from paying her home mortgage, buying food, and even allowances. She works as a Dean in one of the Universities in Laguna. However, her salary could hardly support herself. When she moved to Laguna, she initially rented a one-bedroom apartment. I asked her how much she was paying for the rent and the cost could actually cover to pay for a home mortgage through PAG-IBIG. I then shield out over Php. 400,000 to pay for the house and another SR.100,000 for the renovation. I then send out money on a monthly basis so that she can pay PAG-IBIG.

However, she decided to live with a married man. I can’t do anything about it because I wasn’t there to begin with. Secondly, I can’t control her choices. She’s free to do what she wants to do but I don’t agree with her choices. If the money was just for her I’m fine with it. However, I was indirectly feeding her man. The man has no job but drinks a lot. She was so in love with the man that she didn’t care that she has a maiden niece living with her. The house that we took has only one bedroom so it’s really awkward for my niece to be there. Plus, the fact that it would also be dangerous for a man without any relation living with them. Worst, she would even go to the extent of not feeding my niece.

To me family comes first and my sister failed to recognize it. We do not anymore share the common core values. She only needs me for the money that I’m sending to her. My mother passed away 19 February 2019. At around December of 2018, I asked her if she’s okay if my mother would spend Christmas and New Year in Laguna. She made excuses so my mother was not able to travel to Laguna. That would have been her last travel but she wasn’t able to. My other was also against her having relationship with a married man but she did not listen. She said that she does not appreciate people, even family members intervening in her personal affairs. When my mother died, my sister posted several quotes about how losing a mother is painful. I say bullshit. She never showed her love to her when my mother was alive. She defied her and even went to the extent of fleeing Bukidnon, living with a married man, leaving my niece Nicole helpless in Laguna, and ignoring my mother’s wishes.

If she wants to have a good life, fine. I’ll give it to her. That made me come up with a decision that I’m not going to support her any longer. She’s older than me, has a stable job, and she wants to be independent from our family. I decided not to communicate with her any longer. I will let her live her life the way that she wanted. Not that I was intervening before. I have no business in intervening in my sibling’s life but if she wants to be free, I’ll give it to her. I also stopped sending monetary assistance.

I never really mourned the death of my mother properly.  I never even cried when she died.  I wasn’t sentimental when she had her first death anniversary.  As the only son in the family who had the means to raise money for her funeral costs, I of course shouldered all the expenses.  I even paid for the plane tickets of my sister, cousin, and niece who lives in Calamba, Laguna.  I have forgotten the monetary aspect of my mother’s death and the expenses that I’ve paid.  I could not even feel the pain of losing her.  To me it’s still surreal that she’s gone and will never be coming back in our lives.

I love my mother as I love my father and my siblings.  She raised me very well and I’ll forever be thankful to her.  If I’ll have the chance to be born again and choose who my mother will be, I’d still chose to be my mother’s son.  As a human being, I will never be a perfect son to her.  When I started working abroad, I would send all my earnings to her.  But my mother is a mother and she also have other children whom she felt she should nurture and take care of as well.  I know it’s bad to talk about people who have passed on but she did spoil my younger brother heavily that her love for my brother became the source of abuse.  There’s no use to talk about it now but I think that really impacted my relation with her nearing her death.  I never communicated with her and never talked to her compared to before.  A couple of months before she passed away, she messaged me in my facebook telling me how she missed me. I just answered it with a heart emoji.  

I love my mother but I was not showy of how I felt towards her while she was alive.  I don’t feel the need to say it or announce it to everyone.  For families, there are things that are better not said. Tomorrow is her second death anniversary.  I don’t know if I’ve gotten over the fact that she’s no longer here or I could still not accept that she’s gone.  I have not properly mourned her because I was absent during her wake.  I think that I really have to visit her grave for me to accept the fact that she’s gone.  

A lot of Filipinos leave their lives to chance.  They would gamble their meager income just in case they’ll win.  That’s the reason why lottery is very popular especially the impoverished neighborhood.  People are expecting that if they get lucky, they’ll be instant millionaires.

I don't believe in the game of chance. That’s why I don’t gamble.  I would rather buy or eat something with the money that is intended for the gambling. Besides, gambling is addictive.  A lot of lives and families were ruined due to gambling.  

The first thing I'd do after winning the lottery is...

I’m proud to say that I’m a son of a farmer.  I wouldn’t be where I am today if it were not for the land that my father has toiled. He tried to give me and my siblings a good future which is away from the hardships of farming.  But I’m the son of the earth, farming is in my blood.

I decided to spend my Hajj Holiday in Dubai to relax and recharge.  I communicated with Karyll, my friend who’s based there.  We decided to meet up and she’ll accompany me to the places where I want to visit.  I even offered that she stays in my hotel room since she’s currently on a holiday (her employer left for vacation for the entire month of August).  She made plans like going to bars, desert safari, and swimming at the Atlantis Aquaventure Waterpark.  Little did I know that those plans would include her friends.  I also did not know that I would be paying for all of them.  

I have some pocket money but they were not factored during my budgeting.  Why I had to pay for her friends, I really have no idea.  The result was that I was really disappointed with my hajj holiday trip to Dubai.  I was not able to buy something for myself.  I promised myself that I’m going back there come December to see the Miracle Garden but I’m not going to meet up with Karyll.  

Karyll is a typical Filipino who, if invited would also invite other people to be with her.  I would not mind if I’m going to pay for her since she’s my friend.  However, I was really blindsided when I had to shell out money and pay for her friends whom I do not even know on a personal level.  She never considered my feelings or even consulted me and just decided to tag her friends along.  Libre kasi, might as well enjoy it but I did not get the memo that I’ll be paying for it.

I’m proud to say that I am a reservist.  For two years during my college years, I’ve matched and learned the military way of life. You wouldn’t appreciate military service unless you yourself has gone through with it.  With ROTC, I was able to build discipline, became patriotic, and built a strong bond with my fellow brods.

I don’t know what went wrong but ROTC was phased out in the early 2000s.  Today, a new law is being crafted to bring it back since our lawmakers realized the importance of discipline and patriotism.  I am for it and I would love all our youth going through it.  In fact, instead of ROTC, our government should instill a 2-year mandatory military service to our youth.  Much like Egypt, Lebanon, Israel or Korea.  These countries have highest numbers of reservist who could readily defend our country in case a war breaks out.

Most of us who decided to foray into the unknown world of being an OFW did not realize that we’re in for a very challenging feat.  Most of us have heard about the country and their culture through Social Media and from a diluted information we got from friends or relatives who went to work outside the country.  Our decisions are always factored on the glitz and glamour we see in the photos without even realizing that when we’re outside our country, reality would sink in.

When I first went abroad at the age of 23, I have no idea where I was going.  I was just attracted to the salary that I will be drawing but have no idea of the work that I’ll be performing, or the culture of the country that I will be working.  Before leaving though, my Uncle who used to work in the Kingdom of the Sands, who was imprisoned for a crime he did not commit told me to work anywhere but there. I was full of confidence them so I never followed his advice.  Surprisingly, the company I joined was an okay.  The only problem I had there was that there are months were salaries are delayed, not the working environment, the company and the people I’m working with.

One of the reasons why most of the Overseas Filipino Workers (OFWs) could not save money is financial illiteracy. Our educational system and our culture do not teach us to be entrepreneurs.  Our educational system and curriculum is designed to prepare us to join the overseas workforce.  Our parents on the other hand believes that being gainfully employed is better than becoming an entrepreneur.  Because of that, most of the OFWs are living from paycheck to paycheck without the prospect of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Financial literacy is very important and must be added to the Pre-departure Orientation (PDOS) conducted by the POEA.  It is very important that every OFW should be educated on how to spend their money wisely. Most of the OFWs I know are in debt. Some because of their irresponsible families back home, some because of unwise spending, the others are because of plain stupidity when it comes to money.

One of the most notable traits that I gathered from my fellow OFWs are their hero complex.  As OFWs they take on all the financial responsibilities for their families.  I am not saying that it’s bad but this should be balanced.  We could not solve all our monetary problems ourselves.  Our respective families should also lend a helping hand.  One downside of the Filipino culture is that since there’s somebody in the family who works abroad, they will rely heavily on the person who works abroad for all their financial issues.  They wouldn’t even think of other alternative solutions to the problem and would right away contact their OFW relative to solve everything for them.

In some instances, this generosity is being abused by the relatives back home.  While the OFW is working 24/7, the ones receiving money are enjoying their lives through parties, shopping and eating out at Jollibee.  Not once did they ever thought of how difficult the money that they’re spending was earned.

I don’t want to judge other people because I don’t want them to judge me as well.  I’ve worked outside the country for over a decade and I’ve seen a lot of shenanigans that most of our fellow kabayans have committed.  The most common amongst them is having an elicit sexual relationships with our fellow compatriots and other nationalities as well. These sexual relationships can also be classified from the normal hetero ones and the homosexual relationships.

In Kingdom of the Sands in particular, Filipino males would meet women who works in the hospitals, schools and in the beauty salon.  Remember it’s the Kingdom of the Sands and Filipino women are restricted to work in these establishments alone.  In some cases, they’re housemaids.  Take note that nurses here are not paid well (approximately SR.1,800 to SR.2,500).  If they have boyfriends, the boyfriends would give them free groceries for the amount of SR.500 on a weekly basis.  That would really alleviate their situations here in the Kingdom of the Sands.  The only problem is if the boyfriends have families back home.  They have to send their families fixed amount of money on a monthly basis, hence, they’re always short of cash.

For the same sex relationships, gay guys who have respectable and high paying jobs in the offices would hunt for fresh meat at the fast-food chains.  These young, good looking Pinoy boy toys are only paid for about SR.1,500.  If they can get a bading who would support them, it can alleviate their situation here in the Kingdom of the Sands.  It is easier for Pinoy gay guys to book a guy since there’s not a lot of competition in here.  The Pinoy boy toys on the other hand wants somebody to buy them gadgets and even cash, and the most convenient are the Pinoy gay guys.

When I started working abroad, I met a lot of people.  Some of them became long-time friends while the others just remained as acquaintances. When meeting new people, it never occurred to me to take advantage of their kindness, especially in terms of paying for the food that we ate.  I don’t remember asking others to pay for my meals.  If I’m in the position to pay for the meal, I never shoved it to the faces of the people that I fed.  

I don’t want to generalize it but some of the people that I met are unfortunately USER-FRIENDLY.  In Filipino, it’s MANGAGAMIT.  If they can have one free meal and you’re paying for it, they’ll stick with you.  I remember feeding an obnoxious and overly obese co-worker on a daily basis.  I never realized at first that he was just using me.  It took other people to tell me for me to realize that he’s a USER-FRIENDLY.  I never realized how cunning and sneaky he was until we travelled to French Indochina earlier this year.  The fatso would not spend a dime if it would come from his pocket. He will not even buy a mineral water to quench his thirst if he pays for it.  I paid for every food that we ate.  When we came back to our jobsite, a common friend told me that the only reason he sticks with me is, you guess it, FOOD.  After all the feeding that I did to him, he has the gall to say bad things behind my back.

My father when he was still alive (God bless his soul), would always tell me not to count the times I feed people. He says it’s bad and I’ve followed his advice up until my fatso colleague did the unthinkable to me.  I felt that I should made an exemption to my father’s advice and I should start telling everyone and the amount of money I spent feeding the pig.  If he has been badmouthing me after all the kindness I did to him, then he’s a fair game.

One of the most common problems of OFWs are the emotional blackmails that their parents, siblings, partners, husbands, wives, children, and the extended family in general.  If you can’t give them the expensive perfumes that they asked you to buy, or if you can’t give them the money they requested or borrowed, you’ll be called names.  ‘Kesyo nakapag abroad lang, ang yabang na’.  ‘Ang sama talaga ng ugali niyan’.  ‘Walang utang na loob, hindi naman naging nurse yan kung hindi sa amin’.

The problem in Filipino culture in general is that we really want to give back to our families.  Don’t get me wrong, that’s an ideal mindset.  However, the same mindset is being used against us by none other than our own families.  When we became OFWs, our mission is to do anything we can to our families.  Now, here’s where the problem comes in, our family and our extended families expects us to solve all their financial worries.  While most of them wouldn’t even try to apply for a job abroad.

Our families think that we are living a good life because of the beautiful photos and delicious foods we post in our Instagram or Facebook accounts.  They never thought that after working none-stop the whole week, an hour or two in the park is the only time we have for ourselves.  The photos of the foods we post are more often than not are the only palatable food we eat throughout the month.  Most of the days we would be eating instant noodles, canned sardines, or dried fish because we have to save most of the money we have so we can send it to them.

If we can’t send them money on time, you can hear bad words from them or they’d try to kill you with guilt. They’d say that you’ve already changed because you work abroad. You weren’t the same person you were when you were still in the Philippines.  Once they get what they want, they’ll splurged it in anything that they want. You’d often see them posting photos of them drinking and partying, while you the benefactor is left with nothing.

The only thing that could actually stop this vicious cycle of emotional blackmailing is for the OFW to stop sending money or if he/she stops working abroad.  Of course, it’ll affect the family income but in a way, it’ll stop the emotional blackmailing.  If you’re courageous enough, you can confront them or just step aside and gradually leave your toxic family.  

MAHAL KO SILA SYNDROME

No offense to other OFWs out there. The video you just watched is just typical of the ‘MAHAL KO SILA SYNDROME’.  No extensive scientific research from the psychologists out there can explain that it only affects the migrant workers, particularly the OFWs. The typical behavior of the ‘MAHAL KO SILA SYNDROME’ is sending all their hard-earned monies to their families back home.  They wouldn’t even leave something for themselves.  They experience guilt every time they’re spending something for themselves, thinking about their families all the time.

The ‘MAHAL KO SILA SYNDROME’ has created another culture, the mendicancy.  Immediate families or even extended families left behind tends to rely heavily on their parents, siblings, and or relatives abroad especially in situation where the only resolution is money.