bruise the hope

now allow me to dive into the catholicism of it all, because it's interesting how ronan coming to terms with his sexuality is informed by catholic vs. protestant stances on queerness (very broadly speaking). whereas many protestant christian religions encourage praying the gay away and becoming heterosexual through god's will (aka conversion therapy), the stance of the catholic church on homosexuality is more along the lines of "you can't control that you have same-sex desire, but everyone has their crosses to bear so just don't act on it." as such, the catechism states that “homosexual persons are called to chastity.” (in the 1986 letter, the cardinal says, "although the particular inclination of the homosexual person is not a sin, it is a more or less strong tendency ordered toward an intrinsic moral evil; and thus the inclination itself must be seen as an objective disorder." this article also provides context to the catholic church's views on queerness.) all in all, there's that distinction between being gay vs. acting on it. gay thoughts vs gay actions. you can see this echoed in ronan's arc and how he struggles with his sexuality in several key ways.

for one thing, ronan is more concerned with concealment and repression than he is with changing or "fixing" his sexuality. his shame stems from lacking the vocabulary to understand or accept himself in numerous ways, but i wouldn't say ronan expends much energy trying to pray the gay away. ronan is pretty much allergic to attempting to change himself or conform to what others want, and this is no exception. for example, his acknowledgement that he has no interest in lamps, i.e. women, is very matter-of-fact. therein lies that catholic acceptance of his homosexuality; ronan cannot control what he is, but he can control whether he acts on it or not. i've seen analysis that considers ronan's sexuality as totally buried prior to tdt vs. his sexuality being something he's already open about prior to tdt; for me, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle because of that gay thoughts vs. gay actions split. the beginning of tdt cements this: "the second secret was perfect in its concealment. ronan did not say it. ronan did not think it. he never put lyrics to the second secret, the one he kept from himself." we know adam is his second secret, thus the tangible nature of his feelings for adam is what he's keeping from himself, not merely the fact that he's gay.

tdt is where ronan is specifically grappling with the possibility of his gay urges becoming action. imo the earliest example of this is the dollar city scene, with ronan wanting to punch the wall over gansey looking like "very clearly a real human, an attainable human." the word attainable speaks again to the idea of attraction as a contained feeling vs. something that ronan could act on (not necessarily with gansey, but it's broaching that difference as a concept). later on there's the adam-kavinsky sex dream after which ronan wakes up "ashamed and euphoric." the dream has given multiple faces to a nameless concealed desire, which has again made it a more real possibility and therefore what ronan has been trying to avoid. in a dream with kavinsky, "it felt like anything could happen. all of his secrets felt dangerously close to the surface." again, the idea of something happening, of a feeling being acted upon. and finally, when adam confronts ronan about his rent, "something inside ronan unwound and he almost said something." repeatedly an emphasis is placed on ronan's holding back, on concealing himself through refusing to act on what he feels.

A few months before he passed away in 2003, a 74 year old children’s television host sat down in the same studio where he had filmed 895 episodes over 33 years and recorded one last message. It wasn’t for children. It was for the adults who had grown up watching him.

Fred Rogers hosted Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood on American public television from 1968 to 2001. For over three decades he walked into the same set, changed into a cardigan and sneakers, looked directly into the camera, and spoke to children as if each one of them was the only person in the room. He never raised his voice, never talked down to his audience, and never rushed a single moment.

In that final recording, he looked into the camera one last time and said “I’m just so proud of all of you who have grown up with us. And I know how tough it is some days to look with hope and confidence on the months and years ahead. But I would like to tell you what I often told you when you were much younger. I like you just the way you are.”

A few months before he passed away in 2003, a 74 year old children’s television host sat down in the same studio where he had filmed 895 episodes over 33 years and recorded one last message. It wasn’t for children. It was for the adults who had grown up watching him.

Fred Rogers hosted Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood on American public television from 1968 to 2001. For over three decades he walked into the same set, changed into a cardigan and sneakers, looked directly into the camera, and spoke to children as if each one of them was the only person in the room. He never raised his voice, never talked down to his audience, and never rushed a single moment.

In that final recording, he looked into the camera one last time and said “I’m just so proud of all of you who have grown up with us. And I know how tough it is some days to look with hope and confidence on the months and years ahead. But I would like to tell you what I often told you when you were much younger. I like you just the way you are.”

Oh my darlings. My fandom friends, my fandom family.

This is a difficult message to write.

It has become clear that treatment can no longer help me battle the cancer that has invaded my body, and it’s time to prepare myself to say goodbye to those I love.

That includes all of you.

I have struggled mightily with how I should do this.  Should I tell you now, so you will not be blindsided by my passing?  Would telling you burden you unnecessarily ahead of time?  I don’t want you to worry about me. I want my last few months or weeks to be an opportunity to give as much love and kindness as I can, to cheer on your wonderful fan art and writing, to share as many memories of the early days of fandom as I am able, and to enjoy the fun I have in being with you.

So after much thought, I’ve decided to ask my children to let you know of my passing when it happens. If I hurt anyone with the suddenness of that announcement, I hope you can forgive me and know that I meant well by this decision.

I hope you know that you have enriched my life immensely in what turn out to be my final months. What fun it has been to be a fan among fans again!  I feel so lucky to have discovered modern fandom and this community when I did. You have taught me so much. You’ve impressed me, moved me, made me laugh, and brought a whole lot of happiness to my days.

I hope you know how honored I feel to have been embraced by you as your Fandom Grandma and your friend. It’s humbling  to be given this opportunity to care so openly, so freely. I am touched by this, daily, more than I can say.

I know that some of my adopted family here are not in happy family situations in their off-screen lives. It troubles me that I will not have further opportunity to tell you how special you are, how unique, how precious.  That you are worthy of love and happiness.  Please know that wherever I am, my caring about you and believing in you will still go on.

Dear beautiful hearts — and that means every one of you — please be kind to yourselves. And to each other. Please, please keep fandom a place where we are welcoming to newcomers.  Where we value each other, even if we don’t agree on specific ideas.  

And please go on enjoying fandom, as long as it is meaningful and positive for you. I hope many of you will be fandom grandparents to the generations that will follow! Please keep writing and creating art. Keep our traditions alive. I’m passing the torch of this historic fandom on to you now.