The first time that Erwin saw him, they were both children. They were in different schools, and they were both touring the capital building on separate field trips. But they found each other at the water fountain. They both stared. They forgot to drink any water. Neither of them moved until their teachers insisted. And they swapped glances over their shoulders while they were pulled away from each other.
Erwin remembered him and didnât understand why. He thought that the boy must have lived near him. That wasnât the case. He couldnât find him again.
Twelve years later, Erwin was in a concert venue that was so crowded that he sweated through his shirt before the first band finished playing. The liquor that had been poured down the back of his shirt made him feel sticky. He couldnât get a good breath with so many people around him, but he helped to pass along crowd surfers anyway. He could feel the music in his bones. The shared adrenaline of the room made his entire body throb. The headliner stepped onto the stage, and the crowd pushed forward.
Erwin felt someone pressed harshly into his right side. He lifted his arm to give the person room to move. When he looked down, Levi looked up at him. They stared again. Then, Levi leaned towards him and yelled something. Erwin couldnât hear him. Before he could lean down, the hardest part of the best song began. The crowd began to part. Levi grabbed Erwinâs bicep so hard that sweat squeezed from the cotton of his shirt. Erwin grabbed a fistful of Leviâs shirt. Someone else wrapped their arms around Leviâs waist and pulled him away. Levi slipped out of his shirt. Erwin dropped it to move after him. The crowd was faster. Erwin watched while Levi was picked up and put on top of the crowd. Levi fought. The crowd carried him anyway.
A mosh pit began, and Erwin pushed away from it, keeping his eyes on Levi. The music increased to an impossible volume. He watched Levi float on top of the crowd around the mosh pit. When he saw Levi fall down into the crowd on the other side of the pit, he forced his way past three layers of people. He moved into the pit. A man threw a fist at him, and Erwin put his boot into the manâs ankle. No one took another shot at him while he moved through the pit. On the other side of the parted crowd, Erwin searched for him. He was gone.
After the concert, Erwin insisted that his group of friends wait with him outside of the venue. They stayed with him for an hour before they ditched him to go to the bar. He smoked half of a pack of cigarettes waiting for Levi to find him. Levi didnât come. When there were only a few sparse groups of people left outside of the building, Erwin felt a pain in his right arm. He put the cigarette between his lips to hold it while he lifted his right sleeve. Levi had left fingerprint bruises and shallow, bloody scratches on his skin. Erwin exhaled smoke.
That night, at home, he took off his shirt and looked at the marks in the mirror. He searched for Levi online until the sun came up. He couldnât remember everything. But he could remember the nights Levi would come to his room. He remembered the desk in his office. The lingering scent of black tea. He remembered the way Leviâs hair looked when it was stuck to his forehead with sweat. He knew the way Levi tasted. And that was enough to keep him hopeful for a year. Then, he stopped looking.
Three years later, Erwin leaned over and snorted the line of coke on the bar. When he stood upright, the bottle of Rush was pushed under his nose. He closed his eyes, pressed his other nostril shut, and inhaled until he felt himself stop thinking. The flood of heat in his face made him smile, and he leaned back in his chair. Erwin grabbed his boyfriend by the hair and shoved his tongue into his mouth. His hips bucked involuntarily, and they were laughing when their mouths parted. His boyfriend leaned over the bar. Erwin saw Levi on the other side of the room.
Leviâs mouth was pressed against another manâs, and both of his hands were pulling on the manâs belt buckle. Erwin stood from his chair, and his boyfriend caught him just before he fell. He heard laughter, and he felt himself being moved. He pushed. The man kissed down Leviâs neck. Levi leaned his head back and opened his eyes. Leviâs lips parted. His hips moved. Erwin tried to be seen. He needed Levi to see him. He opened his mouth and no sound came. He felt himself being picked up. He felt drool running down his chin.
Erwin watched the ceiling pass by while he was carried out of the bar. Outside, he waited for Levi to find him while he counted stars. Then, he was being pushed into a cab.
The next night, Erwin went back to the bar and asked the bartender about Levi. No one had ever seen him before. Erwin went to the bar every night, with and without his boyfriend. His boyfriend hated it. Erwin ended the relationship. He kept looking.
For three more months, Erwin went to the bar every night. Levi never showed. He stopped looking again.
A year later, he finished his Masterâs degree. He met his future wife.
Four years later, he had a wife and a son and a daughter. They had his eyes and her hair. He was working on his doctorate, and he had a small office in the University. His days were routine and scheduled. He loved helping to bathe the kids and put them to bed. He felt an ache in his chest with every goodnight kiss. His favorite part of the day was having a glass of wine with his wife after the babies were in bed. Her laugh made him smile. Her head on his chest made it easy to sleep.
One evening, Leviâs mugshot was on the news. Erwin almost knocked his wine glass over when he grabbed the remote to increase the volume. She complained that he would wake the kids. He memorized Leviâs legal name.
âDo you know that guy, Ellis?â she asked. Erwin shook his head.
âNo,â he said. He turned the volume down again. âI thought I did.â
âYou donât know anyone like that,â she said. He smiled at her.
âI hope you donât know anyone whoâs dumb enough to try and rob a bank,â she said. He kept smiling, but he felt the resentment take root. He wanted to start a fight with her. He wanted her to regret the words. And he hated it. He resisted it. He tried to force himself to forget. He changed the subject. They watched her favorite movie. He rubbed her feet. He took her to bed and kept her awake all night. She spent twenty minutes combing the knots from her hair the next morning. The makeup that he wouldnât give her time to remove was smudged all over their wet sheets.
Erwin sat on the edge of the bed, listening to the water running while she showered. He thought about Levi while he rested his head in his hands.
His routine helped to distract him. Erwin didnât deviate from his normal schedule. Thatâs how he was able to resist for so long.
In December, Erwin couldnât stop himself. He looked up the address of the penitentiary. He researched how he should address the letter. He read all of the rules about things that might stop Levi from receiving mail. Erwin put pen to paper. Over and over again.
Iâve seen you so many times
Erwin threw all of the crumpled pieces of paper in the garbage. He pulled out a single index card and wrote on the lined side.
Is your name Levi Ackerman?
He sealed the index card in the envelope and sent it out with the mail that day.
Two days later, Erwin flipped through his mail at work. He ripped open the envelope as soon as he saw it. The same index card that he had used had been sent back to him. A response was written under his own words.
I can get visitors on Sundays from 13:00 to 17:00.
Erwin pulled a sheet of notebook paper from his desk. He put his pen to the paper and stared at the response. Leviâs handwriting was just the same. It was beautiful. Erwin looked away from the index card, and the pictures in frames on his desk caught his eye. He stared at his wifeâs image. The pictures of his children stung. They had his eyes and her hair. His jaw went slack. His heart broke painfully. He imagined going to the prison to see Levi. He imagined living with his wife until his children were older. Levi could get out of prison in fifteen years with good behavior. He imagined the entire betrayal. The divorce papers. His mouth felt dry, and his eyes felt wet. Erwin closed his mouth and swallowed. He blinked until he could see clearly.
Levi, I tried to find you but
I didnât think you were real
I want to murder every man who has ever seen you orgasm
I shouldnât have written
Erwin looked at the sheet of paper with broken words. His eyes turned to the index card.
Iâll see you on Sunday.
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