Kyu

But of course that can't be his whole life, otherwise he would have been free from his wish of Dazai's approval long ago. No. Akutagawa is inherently inferior, as he needed someone to come in and give his life "a meaning", because he couldn't find it for himself; because he failed to do the one thing he had to do when he was younger, which is protecting his friends, saving their lives.

He couldn't save his friend's lives, so he has to justify the fact that some people die and some people survive.

He was the only one with an ability in that group, he was stronger, he survived. Gin lived because Dazai, the strongest person as far as Akutagawa is aware, saved her, and then she grew and she ended up in her position at Black Lizard. Akutagawa deserves to live because Dazai, likewise, saved him and gave him a purpose.

He shames Atsushi for measuring his life's worth on his ability to save others because if he accepted that philosophy he wouldn't be able to go on. Akutagawa carries so much sorrow and guilt...

But it's not about being inherently strong or inherently weak. It's about what you do about it. He saw himself in Kyouka, a child who was so helpless she just wanted to die, and thought to give her a reason to fight and become strong, in the only way he could muster, which was doing hard work for the mafia.

Akutagawa is not the only one with this "find a purpose/meaning to your life" mentality in BSD, but he has such a narrow worldview that this is the only aspect he actually considers. As in, find a purpose, whatever it is, however selfish, however simple or complex, whoever gives it to you.

He didn't take the time to get to know Kyouka and find out what else she could dedicate herself to, or how to open her up to a desire for something other than death, but instead grabbed at the first thing he could see in her, which was her ability and the convictions he saw in her ("before, there was revenge in your eyes. Revenge for life"), and made her latch onto it. Hence: "If you don't kill, you're worthless." The same way Akutagawa only wants "one simple, trivial word from a certain someone."

Akutagawa is inherently inferior because even though he had the strength of his ability, he didn't use it correctly, and so his friends died. His life has no meaning because he failed to do the one thing only he could have done, he was weak. So Dazai has to give him a purpose, or else approve of the way he has been living.

I also find the line "those who are never trusted..." so meaningful because the only thing that separates Dazai from someone like Fyodor is the fact that he trusts people (as explored in Dead Apple). Dazai trusts Akutagawa, or rather, knows him well enough to trust that he'll act a certain way and it'll culminate in his plans working out. Akutagawa trusts that Dazai has a purpose for him, even if it stays unspoken for years, so he keeps fighting and keeps showing up and following his orders above the mafia's.

This is also funny because it's the only thing Akutagawa seems to trust him on. He doesn't trust Dazai not to betray him or any organization, as seen in Dead Apple. He trusts Dazai with the direction of his life but not with loyalty (something incredibly important for the port mafia) or morality or even his calculations at times. I mean, he was fully on board with executing him as a traitor, more than once.

Lastly, there's this line by Dazai which I find particularly devastating.

Because Akutagawa's whole life since meeting Dazai has been believing he finally managed to espace the slumps, that he's better than the kid who used to drag himself through the mud in that dirty atmosphere without direction or purpose; and he believes that because he found a mentor.

But Bungou Stray Dogs isn't interested in giving an answer about how to find that direction that we and Akutagawa are constantly looking for.

As far Dazai's perception goes, Akutagawa hasn't grown enough. As far as Dazai's true intentions go, he doesn't want to be the one to give Akutagawa his purpose, but he wants the kid to find it for himself. As far as Dazai is concerned, yes, Akutagawa is part of his plans for the New Double Black, but the only one who can actually decide how he should live is Ryuunosuke himself.

But Dazai won't tell him that either. He says it to Kyouka instead, who chooses to save other people's lives above her own (not unlike Dazai after Oda gave him the will to leave the mafia), and she is able to live a full, rewarding life afterwards.

And Akutagawa?

I think Akutagawa was subconsciously trying to prove to himself that he was strong enough to take that position as someone else's guide when he took Kyouka in. And, again, his worldview is narrow, and he's very impulsive, so we know it was bound to fail. But can we blame him for attempting to rise himself to the level of the person he admires?

At the end of the day, it was Atsushi who actually managed to save Kyouka, through giving her hope. And it was Dazai who gave her that impulse not to give up that hope when she thought there was nothing left for her to do.

Akutagawa latches onto that hope given by Dazai in the same way: It's a lifeline, it's his reason for enduring hardships and continuing walking forward. But he hasn't brough himself to accept the good side, the "light"; he doesn't align with this version of Dazai, who is living by his promise to Oda to do good, so they can't see each other eye to eye yet.

But I said that Akutagawa was subconsciously trying to prove himself in helping Kyouka, and that is because I believe the reason he actually told himself came from pure empathy. The way he explains his reasoning to her is essentially "I was like you once, too, and then someone gave me a way to not get consumed by that desire for death, and I thought I could do the same for you."

Akutagawa might not understand the direction that Dazai's life took, or he might not want to accept it, to accept the change to the good side (if only because Dazai left him behind when he did it). But he cares. He's capable of empathy, and he's capable of wanting to help someone else simply because they're in a vulnerable state. He's not just the inhuman apparition we see at the beginning of the story preaching about death. He's grown.

And I think that, in a way, he knows it. Otherwise he wouldn't affirm that his intention wasn't to use Kyouka. This is a man who doesn't shy away from his crimes, if he had had bad intentions, he would have said it.

But he needs someone (a specific someone) to aknowledge it.

I wrote this in a stupor because I'm hyperfixated on this critter and I love him so so much. It's been ages since I tried to write an essay and I know there's a lot of things to correct here but I hope my point came across well. I'd love to know what other people think about this!