Silent Sound

I sort of love that 60's Seventeen is assuming it has to teach its readers the very, very basics. And, to be fair, this goes on to be a genuinely very useful section that explains kitchen/cooking terms: What is the difference between a skillet and a saucepan? What does it mean to marinate something? What is roasting? How do you caramelize something?)

I feel unsure that this spices-accessories metaphor fully works. But that is probably because I’m thinking far too much about it. So that’s on me, not 60's Seventeen.

Once you’ve learned to cook a few basic things, you should then focus your energy on learning to cook things for boys who carry your books and come to your house after school! (60's Seventeen has priorities. Most of them involve men.)

This starts so well! Yes, 60's Seventeen, it is important to eat breakfast! Good advice! And, hey, I am almost sure that “gives you that go-go-go” is trying to say that breakfast gives you energy for your day? Also true! Also good information! But, sadly, 60's Seventeen loses me at, “breakfast helps you smile at boys on the way to school!” And “breakfast foods make you pretty!” And, also, the present-in-teen-magazines-until-at-least-the-00s-advice, “breakfast helps you avoid snacking!”

All of these raw egg + something to make it a juice + maybe a carb cocktail things seem ill-advised. But what do I know?

Did you know that men (yes, all of them. No exceptions. Obviously. Would this book lie to you?) love to eat meat? Don’t worry! 60's Seventeen is here to guide you through your neighborhood grocer/butcher shop so that you can keep the meat-eating men (all the men) in your life happy!

There are a bunch of very questionable vegetable recipes in this book. For instance, whatever is happening here. And, look, I've never eaten this. Maybe adding lemon-lime soda to spinach is better than I'm giving it credit for! But. Like. I'm feeling doubtful about this.

Oh, hey, look! There they are! Some jello mold monstrosities! It is, after all, the 60s!

And here, 60's Seventeen is suggesting that you just totally ruin some coleslaw for your next card party!

In baked goods, we get this "calendar of cakes" section, which gives you a cake to bake for each month of the year. It's actually very charming and whimsical. I support it. We're making King cake in March! A Rose cake in May! Jack-o-lantern cake in October! It's cute!

The baked goods section also contains this image. Which, clearly and obviously, conveys the message that boys just Really Love strawberry cake. That's definitely the only thing you could possibly take away from this image. I mean. That's what the very helpful caption on the opposite pages says, after all. Why? What did you think was happening with these boys?

Speaking of boys! Please remember to consider them at all times when you're planning a party! 60's Seventeen even got a boy to contribute to this book! Just for you! He's so helpful, isn't he?

Have a ton of ice! And your party! Will be rated cool! Thank you, boy contributor to this 60's Seventeen cookbook. I will remember that.

This is so much pressure, holy shit. (Also, I'm pretty sure that following party-throwing guidelines like this is the plot of a Widow's Bay episode, and that went badly for everyone.)

Come to my apartment for a record party, everybody! I'll be serving this exact spread.

I choose to interpret "bake a present" for the new girl next door as a euphemism. A gay euphemism. (Also, we should all bring back saying things are "such a lark.")

The pancake and waffle section, in general, is wild. Because we get things like this, and, okay, 60's Seventeen. I get it. I'm into it. Sounds delicious.

But we also get... whatever the fuck this is. (Apparently, boys just LOVE waffles topped with... this tuna...olive...mixture??) I feel strongly that you should not do this.

Moving on to dips, I feel like you should very much also not do this.

Boys (once again, yes, all of them!) like to grill! Did you! Know?? They can also carry heavy things! (I fear that somewhere, right now, a woman is making a TikTok and giving advice that sounds almost exactly like this.)

Hey, are you on the prom planning committee? This book has some ideas for you! And, you know, honestly? Considering the source is 1960s Seventeen, I should probably be glad that only a few of them are troubling. Some of these are, like, fine!