Grumpy Old Ford

Random big thoughts

This movie felt like it was made for high school English teachers to show but then 95% of the way through making it, they were like actually nevermind and added in some f-bombs and a few (like 2-3 nonsexual nudity) shots of asses to solve the problem. 

Odysseus hates the gods and at times barely believes in them, but also refuses to push back against anything that could be seen as a prophecy. It’s so fucking weird because it’s equivalent to a modern atheist being like “Christianity is dumb and probably a crock of bullshit, also don’t lie because it’s a sin and God will be mad”.

I wrote this down verbatim, “An Odysseus that hesitates about returning to Ithaca is like the sun hesitating to rise” and I do believe I cooked with that. Same is true with a Penelope that doubts Odysseus and a Telemachus that doesn’t need a father, which this movie has.

Here’s the thing, up until Odysseus lands in Ithaca, the movie is fine. It isn’t good, it isn’t horrific, it’s a little cringe and a little irritating for me as an enjoyer of the Odyssey, but it wasn’t bad. If I turned off my brain from know-it-all Greek mythology enjoyer Asha to action movie enjoyer Asha, I think I could have had a decent time. However, it all falls apart when Odysseus returns home, any ounce of characterization is crushed to bits and it just sucks and makes no sense. Reminder, I honestly enjoyed the Troy: Fall of a City miniseries so accuracy is not always my hill to die on but god, I would like the hill to at least be in eyesight.

Random little thoughts (in no order)

UGLYYYYYYY ass costumes like I knew they were bad but it’s such an eyesore. There was not a single outfit that I was like “that looks nice”.

This is one of the first movies I’ve ever seen where I wanted MORE gore and MORE things that made me sick to my stomach. Like, show me Odysseus’s men starving, show me blood spraying down when men are taken by Scylla, show me more soldiers drowning. 

They massacred the characterization of every woman (fork found in kitchen, Nolan can’t write women, but still)

There’s a lot of things in this film that changing from poem to movie was pointless. My most memorable example of this being that Eumaeus is visually impaired, Eumaeus also at one point says Odysseus was like a son to him. These aren’t huge deals and don’t affect the plot but to those amongst us who enjoy the Odyssey, it’s just annoying.

Iphigenia is sacrificed by Agamemnon before Odysseus leaves Ithaca?????????

There’s a lot of time and plot spent centered on Argos (yeah the dog).

Odysseus only has 3 ships the whole film, holyyyyy budget cuts. 

On Calypso’s island, Odysseus forgets everything because she keeps drugging him with lotus flowers. He doesn’t remember how he got to her island, doesn’t remember his family or Ithaca until she like… weans him off and he starts to remember that. He basically feels none of the time pass.

Half of Helen’s face is physically scarred from the Trojan War, it’s implied that Menelaus mutilated her. There’s a disgusting line where Menelaus says, “this is the face that launched a thousand ships, although now it would maybe be five-hundred.” GROSS

The Laestrygonians look like cybermen and no I will not elaborate.

There is a scene where Athena’s temple is destroyed in Troy and it’s implied that whatever happens to the temple, happens to the god. (like a soldier wacks off Athena’s statue’s head, it switches to a scene of Athena being held down and nearly decapitated) It’s a neat idea but in a movie where the gods are ridiculed by the main character, it just doesn’t work.

No Achilles or Anticleia in the underworld SIGHHH

No Nestor or Peisistratus SIGGGGGHHHHHH they hate to see yappers represented.

Telemachus and Odysseus’s reunion is so ass, like there’s no bout of emotional resonance at all, they’re two worlds apart.

Telemachus sucks as a character Tom Holland you are British how did you make Telemachus so fucking American. No one talk to me about Telemachus he sucked so fucking bad in this movie.

No wedding bed anything insane and might I add fucking crazy. Again, this is classic Odyssey stuff.

At the end of the movie, Odysseus and Penelope travel west(?) and leave Telemachus as king of Ithaca, to honor the fallen soldiers. This is the Greek mythology equivalent of retired American couples moving to Florida I think.

The Cyclops

The cyclops doesn’t speak to Odysseus (the men don’t even know it’s a sentient being until after they stab it in the eye) which means we get no “Nobody” scene which is already a travesty because I fear that’s classic Odysseus. And I do feel like the cyclops being more of a monster ruins the whole point of it being about breaking xenia. If Polyphemus is just an unnamed monster, what makes him any different from Scylla or Charybdis???  

Small thing to be pissy about but to get past the cyclops they tied hay to their back instead of hanging from the bellies of the sheep.

We also get no scene of hubris from Odysseus, again this is classic Odysseus.

The Suitors

Antinous called beggar Odysseus a “platelicker” and then after a few times I swear on my life he said “platelicka” it was insane and I wish I was joking 

This movie creates a lot of Antinous lore that I think is fairly unnecessary since Antinous already had lore (Eupiethes’s pirate background) but let me explain the Antinous lore to the best of my memory.

So Odysseus holds a lottery for his army. A young Antinous and a younger Sinon draw lots and Antinous draws the lot that indicates he will fight. Sinon, maybe 13 years old, swaps their lots because he wants to go to war with Odysseus. Antinous (probably 16-18 years old) tries to protest but Odysseus won’t let them change back. Antinous interprets this as “Odysseus knew he might not come back and wanted me to be in charge of Ithaca”. 

Penelope is in the hall right before Odysseus starts killing, inaccurate but why I mention this here is because she doesn’t let Melantho come with the women to safety. She leaves her in the hall to die in the slaughter. Now if you know me you know I am an Melantho ENJOYER and so I hate to see my girl done badly (maybe the Melantho shit will be it’s own rant).

Antinous x Melantho I CALLED THAT THEY WOULD DO THAT A YEAR AGO

In the end, Odysseus doesn’t kill all the suitors (although he does kill Antinous). Insane because to make things right in Ithaca Odysseus HAS to kill the suitors. It’s the reason that he kills the 12 disloyal maids in the poem because if they live, they represent his own failures blah blah blah whatever I hate it here.

The gods (or lack of)

Athena is the only god with form we see and I’m going to be real honest with you, I didn’t have the brain power to try to figure out what was going on with her. 

Zeus does destroy the ship after the sun god’s cows thing and let me just say if you can’t handle flashing lights this is not ur film because the lightning goes CRAZY and not in a good interesting way but in a “my retinas are burned out” way.

No Hermes and no Aeolus sorry my plot scaffolding kings.

“Asha, did you like anything in this movie?”

Probably surprising but yes. When Odysseus’s men are turned to pigs by Circe, she has to physically mold them from man to pigs so she like… rips their hair out and pulls their ears and pushes up their noses until they turn to pigs which was so fucking fascinating to me. I hated the Circe scenes with her and Odysseus but goddamn Nolan you cooked with that body horror. Like, if the ending of this movie wasn’t hot garbage I would recommend it for that scene alone.

I also thought the scenes pre-Trojan war in Ithaca were cute, newlywed OdyPen and Odysseus being like a father figure to the younger men of Ithaca (maybe 2 mins of screen time altogether, not much to write home about but I enjoyed the scraps we got).

Soundtrack was good occasionally