Bury Me At Makeout Creek

Cuban Crocodiles - Peninsula de Zapata, 2016

I'm sorry, what? You're asking how cows can buy things? Uh, that sounds a whole lot like 20th-century thinking, friend. Nobody needs to buy things. They just need to look at ads. And cows can do that. Have you ever seen them look at a fence? Thousands of times less engaging than even the most boring Ford commercial; we have the data to prove it. And later, when the cows catch the entrepreneurial spirit of our glorious forever-age, they can make their own ads, and sell those ads to websites that have cow-friendly placement spots for cow businesses.

What are you talking about, the underpinnings of civilization are dependent on an eternal underclass? Well, sure, we ran out of humans to show the ads to. Every single person being forced to watch six hours of ads a day made the individual ads relatively worthless, which really steamed our clams. All of you poors fell off the demographic bubble and it turns out the average cow is more valuable.They're bigger, after all, so more land value is spent on them. Your ad clicks are worth way less!

Indeed, public transit makes a lot of sense as an investment. People need to get somewhere, and making it easier to get a bunch of people where they want to go, quickly, can only be a good thing. That is, unless you live in the soap opera universe, where getting somewhere quicker means that you are more likely to catch your significant other cheating on you with your identical evil twin. You expected me to be stuck in traffic, Sofia? Like a peasant? Efficient, frequent, and convenient mass transit has put the lie to your antiquated concept of congestion, just as it has to this marriage!

We know, of course, of the opposition to public transit. Used car dealerships wield a shocking amount of power in municipal government. They'd rather destroy civilization than be told that they can't sell you a 320,000-mile 2001 Neon for $11500 (with extra finance charges.) How dare they mess with our kids' ability to get on a maglev bullet train that takes them to work in nanoseconds.

Pel's Fishing Owl (Scotopelia peli), family Strigidae, order Strigiformes, Gabon