Chromosome Ascendant Schtroumpf

Jason braces himself, planting his feet wide and crossing his arms across his chest, as if Roy coming back home is a fight he has to get ready for.

All of a sudden, Roy knocks on the door.

Honest to God knocks.

Surprise and worry make Jason's stance falter, and he throws a quick look at Roy's hook next to the door. It's as reassuringly empty as it has been ever since Roy left, and every time Jason has checked it ever since.

(Because Roy said he was coming back, so of course he would need his keys, right?)

So why is Roy suddenly knocking on the door of his own place, instead of opening the door like he has done every time ever since Jason gave him his own set of keys for the apartment?

Does he think he suddenly has become unwelcome in his own home, or something?

Oh.

It's exactly what he thinks, isn't it?

The absurdity of the situation slams Jason hard, and he rolls his eyes to push away the numbness that threatens to overcome him at the thought that Roy doesn't consider their place "home" anymore. He walks to the door and opens it widely, irritation making his gesture a little more forceful than he wants it — consciously, at least.

"You lost your keys at Dick's or something?" Jason greets him harshly.

As if on cue, Roy flinches when the door reveals him. He looks as exhausted as Jason feels right now, and Jason realizes now is not the time to rip Roy a new asshole for choosing to go see the man responsible for their problem rather than staying with Jason in the first place.

(That'll come later, maybe. Because while Roy said he was coming back, him staying might be an entirely different affair.)

Jason exhales heavily and gestures at Roy to come in. Roy passes him sheepishly and enters the apartment as if he's still not sure he's welcome.

Fed up with Roy's defeatist attitude, Jason raises a single eyebrow at him. "You do realize this is your place, too, right? You don't have to knock, Roy. Jesus…"

"I wanted to give you some space," Roy answers, still hovering in the entrance. Jason sighs again, and forcefully steps into the other man's personal space. Roy tenses immediately, and Jason pushes past the hurt at being the reason Roy's body falls into a fight-or-flight pattern.

"If there's anyone I don't need space from, it's you." He tries to convey how much he means it to Roy, because whatever else happens between them, there's no way Jason is going to let Roy think that Jason doesn't trust him with anything and everything.

(It's kind of what put them into this position in the first place.)

When Roy opens his mouth to answer, Jason cuts him off, not yet done.

"You've always been there for me," he says with as much sincerity as he can put into his words and demeanor, "even when I didn't want it in the beginning. Whatever happened, no matter how much of an asshole I've been, you've never let me down or left me alone, Roy."

He pauses, then concludes. "So, yeah, I don't need space from you."

Roy closes his mouth, and stays silent.

Starting to feel nervous, Jason steps back. "At this point, I think you've given me Stockholm syndrome to the point of being dependent on your presence," Jason laughs, but the sound stays stuck in his throat.

He can't stop imagining it, suddenly: Roy gone from their apartment, from Jason's life. Having to learn to go through the days without Roy, without his presence and the certainty that he will have Jason's back, no matter what.

Hell, if this afternoon is any indication, even with the promise of Roy coming back at some point, Jason will fall apart if Roy decides he has had enough and steps out of his life.

(The thought makes him feel physically sick.)

Jason's feeble attempts at joking don't relax Roy, though. "I owe you an apology," Roy finally says, fidgeting with his hands.

Jason blinks a couple of times, the seriousness in Roy's voice destabilizing him. "...okay?"

"I shouldn't have left like that," Roy adds, low.

Jason makes a show of shrugging the apology off, like he hasn't spent the last hours spiraling and all but admitting out loud that he doesn't know how to live without Roy anymore the minute the other man came back.

Roy visibly takes a deep breath to steady himself. "And while I'm not sorry for stopping you this morning when you kissed me," he explains, filling Jason's gut with ice at the reminder, "I am sorry for acting like I knew better than you what you wanted instead of listening to you."

Jason looks away and tries to appear nonchalant about it. "Dude, I'm not going to throw a fit because you're not interested in me that way. Just be careful the next time you make a grand declaration of love, you might confuse someone else."

Now, Jason can half-truth and deflect away like an Olympic champion, but if he's honest with himself, a part of him was relieved by Roy's rejection. He has always been comfortable with their relationship, never felt like he needed something else.

But ever since Dick threw the word "boyfriends" like a live grenade between them this morning and Roy's following declaration, there's a part of Jason that has been fucking terrified by Roy's refusal to have sex with him.

It's what they're supposed to do, so why won't Roy just…

…just go with it, like Jason is?

(What is so fucking wrong with him that Roy felt he had to run for the hills rather than just have sex with him?)

Roy frowns, like he doesn't follow Jason. "I don't… I mean. Jason, I do love you. And yes, I'm sexually attracted to you. I have been for a long time, actually. That never was the point."

"Okay, so I'm the problem, then." Jason doesn't even try to hide the dejection in his voice. He reached the same conclusion earlier on, so it's not worth it anyway. Roy is just stating the obvious here.

As always, Jason is the problem.

(Fucking figures that this thing with Roy actually was too good to be true.)

This time, it's Roy who steps into Jason's space, no hesitation in the way he puts his hands on Jason's shoulders and presses. "No, you're not."

Roy smiles at him, and Jason feels weak in the knees — not a new reaction to Roy's blinding and carefree smile, to be honest. "You're just you, Jason. And it's actually a good thing," he winks, "because it's you I'm in love with, not the version of you that you think you need to be."

Roy visibly hesitates before he adds tentatively. "I don't think Dick made you want sex. I think… I think Dick made you think you needed it."

Of course they need to have sex. It's what's supposed to happen when you love someone. And Jason loves Roy, that's never been the question.

(Why doesn't Roy want it, then, if Jason's not the problem?)

His frustration reaches new heights, and he shoots forward when he confesses, falling into Roy's warm embrace. "I just don't get it, Roy!"

Roy hugs him back and kisses his hairline, making Jason shudder. "Okay, I'm going to try to explain something to you." He leads them to sit on the couch, never letting go of Jason in the process.

(Jason might crumble into pieces if Roy lets go of him.)

"If I'm not making sense, or if I'm wrong, just tell me, okay? Or throw something at me, whichever you want."

Jason huffs, amused despite himself. Roy smiles, a little more relaxed now, but still sounding serious when he asks. "Do you know what the phrase 'nothing but enthusiastic consent' means?"

Jason deadpans. "Yes, Roy, I do. I can assure you that Bruce has been very thorough about the Talk when he took me in, however useless it already was at the time."

"Okay," Roy nods. "Can you tell me what it means for you?"

Jason crosses his arms over his chest and huffs. "Oh, come on, Roy! It's not that difficult." He has an inkling of where the discussion is going, and he would like the record to show that he doesn't like it. "It means that having sex should be the result of a conscious decision, without any strings attached, or any form of coercion whatsoever."

Roy hums. "Yeah, from a rational point of view, it's exactly that."

(Okay, so what is the problem, then?)

"But for most people," Roy adds, "it doesn't mean only that."

It's Jason's turn to frown, thrown off.

"For most people," Roy explains, "it also means that they are excited by the prospect of having sex, in a way that manifests physically: heart beating faster, prickling feelings all over, heat pooling in their genital organs — it's not just about being rational."

"That doesn't sound right," Jason retorts.

"Maybe it doesn't sound right because it's something you never experienced?" Roy asks, low and prudent. "When I met you," he continues before Jason can answer, "I noticed something."

Jason waits, curious despite his best judgment. And trusting. Because when all is said and done, he trusts Roy.

And if Roy insists that Jason's not broken, that he's not the problem….

…well, it doesn't hurt to listen to him, right?

"You don't look at people the way most people do," Roy states, in the most unhelpful and infuriating possible way.

Jason frowns harder and asks. "What does that even mean?"

"You notice beautiful people," Roy states.

"Sure," Jason admits easily. He has eyes. Of course he notices beautiful people.

(Everybody notices beautiful people, right?)

Roy looks a bit unsure, all of a sudden. "But you don't... want them."

Jason opens his mouth, but then he just—

—stops himself.

Because...

Well, no, he doesn't. Not really. Not in the way Roy obviously means it, anyhow.

(But that's normal, right? To notice, but to not want?)

Roy is not finished, apparently. "I've watched you spend years around gorgeous women throwing themselves at you."

Jason grimaces. "Talia doesn't count."

Roy counters immediately. "Kori?"

At that, Jason physically recoils, shuddering in horror. "She was with you!" He gasps.

Roy hums. "And?" Jason feels his eyes almost bulging out of his face, and he freezes, speechless, while Roy pushes on, apparently undisturbed by the idea that Jason could have had any intentions toward Kori while they were together. "In fact, you met her before I did, and I'm very well placed to know how open she can be about sex, so I'm pretty sure the option was on the table at some point."

Fighting a growing nausea at the idea, Jason opens his mouth to contradict Roy when he suddenly remembers the day he met Kori. Their conversation on the beach, when she had indeed offered for them to have sex, and quite openly at that.

But Jason needed a friend, back then, more than anything else. And he was recovering from a severe injury. Plus, Kori was Dick's ex — even if he figured out quickly she didn't remember him, not really.

That's why Jason didn't take up her offer.

That's all.

(Right?)

"The point is, you don't notice the women, Jaybird." The term of endearment escapes Roy's lips almost against his will, but Jason smiles at the familiarity, and Roy adds. "Nor the men."

"...There are men?"

Roy just looks at him. After a second, he lifts a brow. Another second, and he tilts his head when Jason still gets stuck. Then, shaking his head, he points at himself with a self-deprecating smile.

"Oh." Jason feels stupid, all of a sudden. He's supposed to be observant, he's a Bat, for fuck's sake. "Sorry?"

(He should be sorry for not noticing, right?)

"Don't be," Roy reassures him with an easy shrug. "After I digested the blow to my ego, it was actually kind of reassuring to realize you didn't get it when people flirted with you, as shitty as it sounds," he admits.

"I'm sorry I never noticed," Jason says, earnest this time. He never wanted to hurt Roy, in any way, and knowing he did it repeatedly and for a long time, albeit not knowing it, well…

… he's the one who feels shitty, right now.

Roy shakes his head. "Don't be," he repeats. "I think the reason you didn't notice is because you don't have any personal experience to relate it to." He looks at Jason with openness. "Have you ever felt like you wanted to have sex with someone you didn't know? Fantasized about them, or pictured them when you masturbate?"

Jason blushes deeply, taken aback. "Of course not! That's… weird."

Roy suppresses a grin at his repulsed reaction. Unfortunately for Jason's already frayed nerves, he's not quite finished yet. "What about me?"

"What about you?" Jason asks warily.

(He's Roy. He's just… everything.)

Roy waits a moment, letting Jason replay his last questions in his mind, about wanting to have sex — with Roy, or fantasizing — about Roy, or picturing Roy while he…

Jason's blush returns with a vengeance — he feels like an egg could be cooked from his cheeks alone. "What? No, of course not!"

"I have." Roy admits it without shame. "I still do."

(How come it doesn't make Roy uncomfortable to confess it?)

Feeling Jason's growing discomfort, Roy takes pity on him and moves on. "I might be wrong," he starts, "but I think that you don't feel sexual attraction, Jason."

And well, after everything they talked about…

… yes, probably.

(If Jason relies on Roy's definition of sexual attraction, which… well, he trusts Roy, is the thing.)

So, Jason truly is broken after all.

"And that's okay, Jason," Roy says, as if he can read Jason's mind.

"It's called being asexual." He looks at him warily. "Well, actually, there's a lot of nuance behind the word," Roy says, and he launches into a long and detailed tirade about how some people experience sexual attraction, but some — like Jason, apparently — don't, and some experience it rarely, or only under specific circumstances.

Jason listens attentively, because...

Nobody has ever described it like that before.

Not like this.

Not in a way that makes it feel so close to home.

(Like it's him, somehow, that Roy is describing.)

"But… yeah." Roy stops, taking Jason's hand in his own and pressing it tenderly. "I think you might be ace, Jaybird."

Jason can't stand to sit still anymore. He starts pacing their living room, ripping his hand from Roy's in the process.

(Roy's tenderness is too much to handle for his confused feelings right now.)

"I thought everybody was exaggerating." Jason's own voice sounds strange to his ears. "I just figured I had more self-control than other people."

Roy snorts. "I promise you that's not the explanation."

"Hum." Jason doesn't dignify Roy's comment with an answer. "So..." He struggles to put words around something he's never examined.

(Until today.)

Roy waits, and lets him get it out at his own pace.

(Like he always does, always patient with Jason when he needs time to process his feelings and thoughts.)

"I like touching you," Jason finally says with vindication, ready to fight if Roy tries to push him away again. Roy only smiles knowingly and nods silently, encouraging him to continue.

Jason takes a breath, more sure of himself now. "I like touching you."

Another smile.

"I like sleeping next to you."

A smirk, this time. "I know."

"I think I liked kissing you. I might want to do it again," Jason warns him.

Roy snorts. "If it's what you want, that's absolutely okay for me."

"I don't..." Jason searches for the right words, cautious to not create another misunderstanding between them.

(Because it's all it ever was, in the end, right? A misunderstanding? Jason falling back on the relationship patterns he thought were universal, and Roy failing to properly explain his own reluctance.)

"...look at you and think about sex," he finishes.

The admission feels enormous, but Roy's smile doesn't waver. "Okay."

"...Okay?" Jason asks again, just to be sure.

"Yeah," Roy repeats.

Jason stares at him with intent, looking for the catch. "That's all?"

(Somehow, he still doesn't fully believe Roy when he says he doesn't expect sex from Jason.)

Roy looks genuinely confused. "What else would there be?"

"I just told you I don't want you like that," Jason insists, stopping his pacing and sitting back on the couch next to Roy.

"I've had a feeling about it for a while, Jaybird." Roy laughs softly. "I'm just happy you feel comfortable telling me."

Sensing that the explanation will not placate Jason, Roy clears his throat before he admits. "That's why I stopped you this morning. Not because I didn't want you," he explains, "but because I couldn't stand the idea of you forcing yourself to have sex with me when you didn't really want it."

Jason huffs angrily, ready to pick up their previous argument, this time feeling a lot better equipped now. He might not have had words to put to his perspective this morning, but he sure as hell knows himself.

(And he trusts Roy. Implicitly and with everything.)

(He might have some explaining and clarifying of his own to do next.)

"And I already told you," he says. "I wasn't forcing myself. I wanted it. Because it was you."

Roy leans forward. "Because somewhere along the way, you decided that relationships require sex, so that's what you had to give me. That's not enthusiastic consent, Jason."

"That's not coercion either, Roy," Jason counters, glaring at him, until Roy finally caves.

"No, you're right," he admits. "It isn't as long as it is an informed choice."

"Which I am now, thanks to you," Jason insists, driving his point home. "Informed, that is."

Roy's look of surprise morphs into a smile. "Yeah, I guess you are."

(God, that man is thick. Jason lets him cover him under heavy fire and Roy still thinks trusting him with his body is a problem?)

So, Jason is fully informed about what he is required or not to do with Roy, hum… sexually speaking, that is.

But now, what do they do, since they don't have the blueprints of a "normal" relationship to navigate their situation?

Do they go back to their previous status quo?

How do they move forward after their respective love confessions, now that this specific cat is out of the proverbial bag?

"So, what does it mean… for us?" Jason asks, immediately hating how his voice suddenly sounds fragile.

Roy puts their foreheads together in an intimate gesture, and Jason lets him.

(He was honest before: he does like touching Roy. And he likes it when Roy touches him.)

"Nothing more than what we want it to mean, Jason," Roy whispers. "I told you already, and I'm going to tell you as many times as it takes. I love you, Jason."

Yeah, well, Jason believes him. He believed Roy this morning the first time he said it — that was never the problem.

(But Jason is not naive.)

Jason's throat closes as he pushes the next words through. "You loved Kori." Roy doesn't interrupt him. "I know sex mattered in your relationship."

"It did," Roy admits easily. "But that doesn't mean it's an automatic deal-breaker, Jaybird."

"Yeah, but..." Jason looks away, suddenly shy. "When you said you loved me this morning, I figured eventually it'd matter between us too. That's why I…"

(But Roy already figured it out, didn't he? That's why he refused. Because he saw right through Jason's intentions, in a way even Jason didn't realize at first.)

(Because it's how much Roy knows him. Cares for him.)

Jason swallows the hard lump in his throat. "I thought if I could give you everything people are supposed to want..." Roy's face crumples at that, but he stays silent. "...you wouldn't have any reason to leave."

(People always leave Jason.)

The silence is heavy while Jason stares at his hands. "I thought that if it didn't happen between us…" Jason shrugs helplessly. "...eventually you'd miss it, and you'd find somebody that wants you that way."

(Jason's never enough for them.)

Roy wraps him in a hug once more, and Jason hides his face against Roy's shoulder. "It's not going to happen, Jason," Roy promises him, voice thick with emotion and heavy intent. "You're never not going to be enough for me, I promise you."

(But Roy?)

"You can't know that," Jason retorts, staying hidden in the warm embrace of Roy's arms. He can't face him right now, he just can't. Not when the stakes are so high.

(Roy came back.)

Roy chuckles, and forces Jason out of his chest by pushing on his shoulders until Jason has no choice but to look at him. He scolds for good measure.

(Roy stayed.)

"Of course I do, Jaybird." Roy's smile is tender, the corners of his eyes crinkling with repressed laughter. "It's already been years, and I'm still there, aren't I? Your partner in every sense of the word that actually matters, Jason."

And—

—Roy's right.

(Roy stayed.)

Roy did stick with Jason through hell and high water. He moved across the fucking country to live with Jason, shares his bed with Jason every night and cares for Jason.

(Like he did today.)

Roy is Jason's partner.

(No matter what the others think, as long as they're on the same page.)

"So..." Jason's hesitation is still lingering around, because when did he ever get to have good things in this life?

(Oh, right. When he met Roy.)

"...you really don't need anything else?"

Roy laughs for real this time. "No. I'm happy with everything you want, and if it never involves sex, or if you never feel like kissing again, I'll keep being happy. As long as I can stay close to you."

Jason moves closer.

Not to kiss Roy.

(He might try it again later, but he doesn't feel like he needs it right now.)

But just to lean against the other man, exactly like they've done for years — both of them finally understanding what it means.

Today is not so shitty after all.