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Relationship: Perry the Platypus/ Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz
Add tags: Human Perry, mute Perry, established relationship, Heinz and Vanessa, Heinz is a good dad, overprotective Vanessa, Perry's pushing 60 in this scenario he's not exactly a young buck himself, although he is younger than Heinz, implied BDSM kinda
"What's that under your shirt?" boomed Vanessa's voice from across the penthouse of Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc., and Perry flinches, hiding imperceptibly behind his mug of warm tea despite being two whole rooms away from her.
He sips nervously, ears piqued to listen to Heinz's quieter mumbling.
"You're lying to me," she accused, sounding so much like her mother in these moments. As aggressively decisive as a state judge's gavel echoing across a discordant room. "No," she says, talking over her father as his own voice attempts to rise over her own. "Dad! Take your shirt off so I can see it. Now, I want to see it now."
Perry hears a brief scuffle, and sets his mug down gently into it's coaster on the coffee table by the couch. He wonders, faintly, if he could still get away with leaving while he still has the chance.
A gasp. Clang-thunk of something ceramic hitting the marble countertop, and "BARTHOLOMEW FLETCHER-DOOFENSHMIRTZ!"
Too late, he mourns, and cowers appropriately as Vanessa stomps over with purpose into the living room. He shuts his book quietly in respect as she fumes, hands on her hips, listening to Heinz holler after his daughter and tries to catch up.
She doesn't wait up for him. Vanessa harumphs, shoving an accusing finger at him. "I thought you said you didn't fight him anymore."
Perry raises his arms defensively. I never said that, he signed.
"He's sixty."
And he was in his 40s when we met. Perry pointed out, reasonably. Heinz stumbles into their discussion, sans t-shirt. He could handle himself just as well 20 years ago as he does today.
"That's not true." Vanessa cried, and Heinz squawked indignantly. Vanessa taps her toe on the carpet, like her mother does, but it only served to make her look younger than her 30 something years of age. "And you're married now, and you should know better than-,"
He likes it. Perry points out gently, and Vanessa reddens.
"That doesn't matter!"
"Vanessa Beatrix Doofenshmirtz, that is enough." Heinz finally snapped. "You know you're too old for this, I've never taught you to disrespect your stepfather this way-,"
"You have a black eye!" Vanessa cried.
"I do not."
It was worse this morning, Perry adds, like he couldn't help himself. Vanessa wails.
"Not helping." Heinz snapped, and Perry raised his hands again. Heinz pinched at the bridge of his nose.
"Nessa," he said. "Look. See, look at me."
"I did look!"
"I'm fine." Heinz reiterates, clearly not for the first time. His mouth twitches, like he's holding back an innapropriate laugh. "I like it, alright?"
Vanessa slumps into the couch, stewing. She's clearly unsatisfied. Vanessa hems and she haws as Heinz walks over, allowing her to hug his midsection, running his prosthetic fingers down the length of her auburn hair. Longer now, than it was last month.
"I'm fine," he promised again, gentler this time. His face softens imperceptibly, looking every minute of his age--all the dulled edges and scarred over sharpness. Perry hums, without trying to hide how he looks. Heinz ignores him. "I'm fine, I'm fine. He doesn't hurt me."
"You bruise all over."
"He just hurts me in the right way." Heinz amends, chuckling, and Vanessa groans, disgusted.
"You guys have to stop-,"
"Now you don't hear me making comments about your bedroom proclivities-,"
"Dad!"
"Nu-uh." Heinz laughed, and all is well. "No, you started it."
"You're too old for this."
"I'll be nice enough not to take offense to that." Heinz said, and lets her go only to crouch, pressing a kiss at her temple. She makes a show of scrunching her face, but sighs eventually, resigned.
"I know my limits." Heinz promises, and nods his head Perry's way as he chitters. "And so does your stepfather."
Vanessa sends a glare Perry's way, as he re-opens his book, and clicks her tongue at him as Perry winks.
"Ugh." She says. "Ugh, fine."
"And?" Heinz prods.
"Sorry." She adds, insincerely. Perry laughed, as his husband sends him a scathing look.
She makes her leave shortly after, once she's fussed over the rest of the bruises on his back, the purple behemoth on his right collarbone, and bandaged him up nice and clean, and Heinz sees her to the door so she can lecture him on proper wound care, like Heinz wasn't the one here with an accredited honorable medical degree due to his advancements in optometry.
"Please take it easy, at least until your scars heal." She sends Perry another glare, and holds her hand up before her father can make anymore excuses. "I really don't wanna know what you do to get them, dad, but please-,"
"Alright," he'd said. "Alright. Bye, pumpkin!"
And Perry's there, with his arms around his husband's waist the second he closes the front door behind her, and peppering kisses all down the length of his bruised throat--reminding all relevant parties that Heinz hadn't the thought to put his shirt back on again after all that fussing.
Heinz squawks and laughs and hits him in the arm, especially as Perry growls. Playfully, of course.
"That's the kind of attitude that got me into this mess." Heinz warned, but doesn't stop him when Perry heaves him--bridal style--into his arms, carrying him past the threshold of the house, into the bedroom.
I'll be nice, Perry said, and Heinz grinned.
"Now, I didn't say that," He purrs, and pulls Perry down before he can snark them into another argument. This close, how could Perry not lave his tongue down the shape of his teeth, dug into the meat of Heinz's right shoulder? The moan he gets, in recompense, is ravishing.
my farming sim game will have animal butchery as a normalized part of the gameplay loop to act as a lightning rod to draw all the discourse and thinkpieces away from topics that would annoy me more
in my farming sim game that has animal butchery as a normalized part of the gameplay loop, shipped products will be sold on a weekly basis, not a daily one. you get a big windfall once a week and then you budget around that. if you want more money in the interim you have to go sell to the local merchants whatever products they specialize in.
in my farming sim game, getting married to one of the townspeople will have a significant impact on your gameplay. if you marry the rival farmer, their smaller farm will be merged with yours. if you marry the town alchemist/doctor you get a buff to all your alchemy and you wake up from getting knocked out in your own home instead of their clinic. if you marry the priestess she uh, idk she does weather related divine magic for you so you can choose the weather, idk i haven't thought too hard about that one yet
these tags are probably a joke but genuinely i do think that more games with romance candidates in general should require you to at least be on friendly terms with their family/close friends before they will romance/marry you. so yes. romancing the MILF will require attending her kid's pretend tea party first. to prove you mean business
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im curious to hear how ppl view these colors, so can u tell me which color u think they look more like?Ā yellow or green? blue or purple? yellow or orange? pink or purple? blue or green?
But I feel like an asteroid. I feel like the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs. I was very, very guilty for years. I had to go to extensive therapy because I was like, āoh my god, I, Lochlan O'Neil, single-handedly destroyed fandom culture?ā
She didn't she didn't she didn't. That wasn't it. She wasn't an asteroid.
She was the first skater that fell through the ice of Web 2.0.
I was also a teenager who found an amazing world, and My People, and friends I'd still talk to every day, on the internet. I spent years getting my mother to let me go to conventions and meet friends in distant cities. I started ambitious internet communities I didn't have the experience or skills to bring to fruition. I don't think there was a lot of difference between us, in a lot of ways. It's not that I was somehow smart or skilled or suave and she wasn't. She didn't have some awful planet-killing stink or velocity that she brought to the show.
The difference was this:
In 1994, when the Endless September began and the Internet felt perpetually full of stupid newbies, there were 20 million people online.
In 2001, when I got my first LiveJournal account, there were 500 million.
In 2012, when she joined Tumblr, there were 2.43 billion.
When I started out, and you joined a new messageboard or chatroom or mailing list, you had to introduce yourself to the community. Except in the biggest of websites, people expected to log onto the internet, read through all the new things that had been posted to their local bit of it, and then log off again. Older members took it upon themselves to greet the newbies and answer any questions they might have, directing them to the relevant community FAQs. People would say things like, "Oh yes, I remember you. This is only your second Thursday with us, right? I hope you have fun!"
I joined an Internet full of adults who got online through their jobs or their universities, one of the first wave of kids allowed to roam free. And the proportion of adults to kids kept steadily changing, but until DashCon, I don't think people understood how much. I remember a discussion that happened in early 2000s slash fandom, where the very true observation was made that in particular artistic ways, we had all agreed to suspend shame, which created a unique kind of space. As a community we could all admit that we were there to be embarrassingly enthusiastic in unusual ways about absolute nerd shit, and we understood that it wasn't life or death, it wasn't rocket surgery, but it also wasn't going to get broadcast onto the clouds and our bosses didn't know who we were. Everyone was (willing to act like) an adult, and we could hold the circle and create safety there.
That felt like a lot of geek spaces, then. Anime conventions, science fiction conventions, furry conventions, videogame stores, D&D meetups. Images were bulky and pixelated, video incredibly hard to move. When you got to a con, it was like a brief oasis of Weird that sheltered you and screened you from view, and you ended up volunteering because the weary, cynical, intelligent, kind people in the con ops office looked like you were throwing yourself in front of a bullet just for offering to run a clipboard down to the other end of the hotel for them.
The ice was thick enough to skate on. The circle was strong enough to let you be brave and funny and silly and free, and you could buckle down with some friends and clean all the trash out of the ballroom by 11am on Sunday, and you'd see everyone next year.
The bubble was going to burst, but nobody seemed to worry about it.
Things were changing fast for fans, all kinds of fans, in the early 2010s. Conventions that used to get news coverage like "Local Freaks Weird Out Hotel Employees: This Weekend Only" to "#Cosplay: The Hottest New Trend" and from Geocities sites that shut down if you exceeded your page visits for the month to AO3 getting 10 million pageviews a week.
It was great. We could conquer the world together. We could stay safe and together and the circle would hold.
And then the ice broke open and Lochlan fell through. Right through the bottom of that goddamn ballpit into freezing arctic sea. Right into years of people sorting through the churned ice of the wreck, taking years to come to the realization that there really had not been ANY goddamn adults in the room making sure things were okay. The community had not actually failed so much as never been formed in the first place.
Because as it turns out, group-bonding techniques that work for 100 or 1000 people do not work for 10,000. Or 100,000. Or one million. Or one billion.
That line about agreement to suspend shame sticks with me all these years after because the defining feature of post-Dashcon Tumblr has been shame. And scorn, contempt, derision, and hatred. Cringe, in short, and kys. Exactly the kind of bullshit I saw every day in junior high school, and ran to the Internet and fan conventions to get away from.
I got the kind of community and mentorship and support that have made fandom a refuge and a resource my whole life. Lochlan O'Neill didn't. Not because there was anything worse or dumber or less experienced about her.
Because a system built in the 1990s was incapable of bearing the stress of a load fifty times bigger than what was already "way too full."
Just because I'm from one generation, and she's from another.
HUGE developments in the big silly baby wearing fluffy pajamas fandom:
Oregon Zoo 05/30/26: This flouf is one of 15 healthy California condor chicks to hatch at our conservation center this season. A new record! #Condorable #KeepCalmAndCarrion
of these magnificent ancient creatures still alive on this world. and I was aware of this at that age because nearly half of them were in a very secretive building on a hilltop near my house, in a last ditch effort by conservation scientists to breed and raise babies.
fifteen. Just born. this season. I cry tears of joy.
You did it. You're doing it. Keep fighting for a future, everybody- it's working.
This was suppose to be a short comic, but it ended up having more pages than planned. So, it will be my third long comic šš½. At first, I didnt have context for this scene, but then @mammalsofaction mentioned the primal perry episode, and I liked the idea :v This would be a more intense scene of that episode, and maybe instead of a park itās an actual forest somewhere else.
Extra Notes: I know that posting a page per post won on my poll, but I after realizing that this was gonna be longer, I thought a few pages per post was the best option.
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For the longest time I thought "kill your darlings" meant literally killing off your characters. I would feel bad for not wanting to tell the sort of stories where major characters die. I felt very silly once I realized what it actually meant.
It means that you need to be honest with yourself that that snappy one-liner is hilarious but doesn't belong where you put it. It's about pruning phrasing or scenes that you're overly attached to but that don't actually make this project stronger.
āI have something important to tell you but canāt message u pls message me ā - accidentally reported you scam
āI love your story and want to illustrate it dm me at discordā - commissioner scam
āI saw your post looking for artists to draw (x) and would love to draw it it sounds like a lovely idea and im an artistā - commissioner scammer who DMād you when you didnāt ask
āDid you send me this link for free tumblr premium?ā - accidentally reported you scam
ā your account is limited please kindly verify at (scam link)ā - verification scam
As an autistic/adhd person going through the job search process Iāve learned to phrase my autistic/adhd traits as corporate friendly things. Hereās some examples:
I have trouble reading between the lines and picking up on implicit information? Actually, Iāve learned the importance of giving and receiving precise, specific instructions in order to avoid time consuming miscommunications.
Iām easily bored with only one task? Actually, I have a curious mind and thrive in places with a wide range of tasks as I prefer dynamic environments where I can contribute to many projects.
I have trouble with white lies that are merely social niceties? Actually, I prioritize a transparent work environment where we can tackle issues head-on.
This way I donāt have to lie, but rather just spin my truth in a way thatās palatable to them.
since it's been quiet from me on the fanfic front, here's a little update
I am working on a fic and the working title is "keep your hat on"
I have the whole story bullet-pointed and I currently have 5 out of 27 scenes written
it's going to be a long one, so please bear with me!
Free service with ads: Well, if I'm not paying for it they have to foot the bill somehow.
Paid service with no ads: Well, if they're not funding it with ad revenue, they need to charge us something.
Paid service with ads: Well that's bullshit.
"We used to be a paid service without ads, but now we're putting ads in it! If you want the ad-free version you have to pay more for preeeeemium": Fuck you fuck you fuck you
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VirtualDash Schedule for 2026! WithPre-Convention Programming
Hello everyone!! We are so excited to share with y'all a *locked in* version of the schedule, beautifully visualized by our social media team on our instagram!Ā
Pre-Con Programming
Weāve been cooking this up in the background: A week prior to DashCon proper, please join your fellow DashConners and Tumblrinas as we dip our toes into a VirtualDash experience on July 25th, at 12:00 - 6:00 PM EDT. Important: The events below are open to all VirtualDash and IRLDash ticketholders who connect to the Dashcon 2 (2026) discord server as described in your ticket receipt email!Ā
Tumblr Heritage Posts Kahoot hosted by AnonymousSong
12:00pm-1:00pm EDT
How well do you know this hellsite? Get quizzed on some of the site's most popular posts in a Kahoot game against your fellow Tumblrinas. Run by a long-time Tumblr hostage resident!
Crow and Tell
1:15pm-2:15pm EDT
A virtual crow exchangeā participants (like you!) can present to the room unique items, strange artifacts, and meaningful trinkets. To sign up to share your Crow and Tell offering, please click the following link for more details, share your precious with us, and weāll be in touch! https://forms.gle/tLUGyfpJYCDbj1dR6Ā
Dashcon 2 MagmaĀ
2:30pm-3:30pm EDT
Blorbos welcome! Join us on a collaborative whiteboard to noodle, share and exchange doodles, and help us create a virtual āgroup photoā to hang on our fridge.
Hamilton Sing-Along
3:45pm-6:00pm EDT
The Worldās Turned Upside Down, and weāre singing along to Hamilton in 2026. Itās been nearly 11 years since the broadway debut of Hamilton, and I still have a certain drawing of Thomas Jefferson on my desktop.
Saturday at VirtualDash
āFrog tongues attach at the front of the mouthā and other fun facts: Science and stories from the Curator of Herpetology at the Natural History Museum DenmarkĀ
10am - 11:30am EDT
Hosted by @markscherz
Last year, he said that DashCon 2 could have used more frog science. This year, he delivers.
One Fan Band: The Basics of Making Your Own Fanmusic
11:45am - 12:45pm EDT
Hosted by @caramiaddio
Everyday, fanmusic is left behind. But with YOUR help, it can thrive. Join the lead composer of Goncharov in the basics of writing fanmusic!
Unmasking the Masq: What do know before joining your first Cosplay Masquerade
1pm - 1:30pm EDT
Hosted by @mackdizzy
Want to hop into the world of the Masq? Join this cos-performance veteran as she walks you through the ins and outs of the cosplay Masquerade.
Yarn wig styling with Julie Joyful
1:45pm - 3:15 pm EDT
Hosted by @hazelri
This little monster needs a new wig! Come learn about yarn wig styling from a Julie Joyful cosplayer: is knee length hair.. long enough?
3AM to Ao3: A Guide to Writing and Posting Your First Fanfiction
3:30pm - 4:30pm EDT
Hosted by @publiccmenaceĀ
A quick guide to writing and posting your first fanfic!
Fanwork Exchanges 101
4:45pm - 5:45pm EDT
Hosted by @antimony-medusa, @mackdizzy, @jaybin-superiority, @creetchure, @that-fall-guyĀ
Do you want to host a fanworks exchange? Join Fanworks Exchanges 101 to learn about hosting exchanges, participating, and general fanworks!
The Muppet Jokerās Quiet Sock Puppet Craft Corner
6pm - 7:30pm EDT
Hosted by @the-muppet-joker
Bring sock. Hot glue gun. Cardboard. Felt. Scissors. Yarn. Googly eyes. A ritual, reversed. A murder, unsolved. Oh baby. We makin puppets.
Syd and Marti Dissect Classic Literature: Why the Road not Taken by Robert Frost is an Allegory for Dreamnotfound
9:15pm - 10:15pm EDT
Hosted by @disaster-syd
Join us on a journey of a brain melting fandom analysis and totally not fake DNF kill proofs!!!! (not clickbait! We cried?!)
Strange Croaker (TTRPG)
10:30pm - 12am EDT
Hosted by @em-7dice + players!
Join in watching a live playthrough of the DashCon 2 themed one-page TTRPG, Strange Croaker.
Sunday at VirtualDash
Bionicle and Gender
8am - 8:30am EDT
Hosted by @LucasBuilds
It turns out one of LEGO's most iconic themes lends itself to some interesting readings when it comes to gender. Join me as I attempt to explain just how Bionicle has become a part of trans culture.
The Prince and Blorbos
8:45am - 9:45am EDT
Hosted by @theabigailthorn
Join Abigail Thorn as she talks about fanfic, blorbos, and The Prince!
Victorian Children
10am - 10:30am EDT
Hosted by @thesequelnobodywanted
We've all seen the online meme: "[insert modern thing here] would kill a Victorian child," butā¦would it? Join me as we BECOME the Victorian child, and take an amateur deep dive into their society, and their own smut literature. Together we'll find out how much hot cheetos, McDonalds Sprite, and sentient smut books would REALLY shock our Victorian counterparts.
"I block all blaze posts, but yours."
10:45am - 11:45am EDT
Hosted by @millenniallust4death
If you've celebrated Martin and Bosco Day on July 13, then you already know them. What happens to a post that Tumblr users keep blazing?
The Unofficial Neopets Crash Course to Late Stage Capitalism
12pm - 12:45pm EDT
Hosted by @maryjubran, @iammai, @dreadpiratecthulhu
Neopets has thrived since 1999. But at what cost? A story of what happens when capitalists greedily take over a virtual pet game.
Unsinkable: A History of Shipping Culture
1pm - 2pm EDT
Hosted by @watchinghimrakeleaves
This panel will journey through some of the earliest examples of shipping, going all the way back to antiquity, before delving into the birth of modern fandom in the 20th century as we discuss the highs and lows of current shipping culture
Underpants on the Outside: Why do superheroes Look Like That?
3:45pm - 4:45pm EDT
Hosted by @ohnoitstbskyen
A brief history of the superhero costume, what it used to mean and what it means now, and what it teaches us about character design.
Intro to Presidentblr (Or How I Found Myself Dedicating an Absurd Amount of My Time Pretending to be President Richard Nixon on Tumblr)
5pm - 6pm EDT
Hosted by @nixon-official
The mod of Nixon-Official attempts to unravel Presidentblr ā Tumblr blogs role-playing as U.S. presidents and related historical figures.
A Musical Analysis of Shrek: Let's Get this Ogre and Done With
6:15pm - 7:15pm EDT
Hosted by @biggestdumbestduck
Come on a musical journey through the Shrek movies, as we analyze changes in a Totally Scientific way. BYOO^.(Bring Your Own Onion.)
da fanfiction of da fanfiction: Adapting My Immortal for the Stage
7:30pm - 9pm EDT
Hosted by @myimmortalplay
The team behind the My Immortal play explore where fan culture and performance collide. Dis iz4 al da goffik theatr kidz!1 No TERFs allowed!
Vampires Never Die: Why Vampire Fiction & Symbolism Never Goes Out of Style
9:15pm - 10:15pm EDT
Hosted by @yvesdot
Exploring everything vampires have ever symbolizedāfor classic Tumblr queer-monster types, and those impatient for whatever comes next.
Gregoria: A Historia
10:30pm - 12am EDT
Hosted by Lizzie Teddy & Gregory
The Dashcon 2 Discord is filled with mentions of "Gregory". Learn who she is, how she got there, and contribute to the Gregory lore yourself!
dailybridgerton
snowghoul
gummygunk
kianamaiart
blakekathryn
ellievsbear
