in action, how like an angel

And it's that thing where you mentally place yourself as the second, auxiliary party to someone else that you consider to be "In Charge" of whatever space or occupation or responsibility you are assigned to

And when you are IN that mindset, it *feels* like you're being responsible. It *feels* like you're being respectful, and helpful, and contributing to the load.

But what you don't SEE- because it *feels* like deference- is that the other person who you're seeing as The Authority you report to- by being assigned that role, has also been assigned the invisible load of BEING YOUR MANAGER.

This is by FAR most commonly seen in husband-and-wife relationships, where the man says, "just tell me what I can do to HELP- you don't have to do it all by yourself, but it's like you won't even tell me when you NEED help. You just do everything and then get mad at me for not doing it first. I can help clean. I can help with the kids. I can help"

But I also see it- and am guilty myself of doing it- at work, at school, in public- that mental, "this is THEIR space, and i will be respectful and helpful to THEM"- without realizing that subservience in this manner isn't actually a good thing. That it actually shifts the burden of responsibility to the other person. That aspect was totally invisible to me.

I didn't understand that when I was told, "if you see something that needs to be done, just DO it", or, "take the initiative", what they ACTUALLY meant was, "I am not above you", or "you have equal say in what kind of environment you want to live or work in", or "I do not want full control over what happens here, I do not want to order you around, I do not want to be in charge, what I WANT is to co-command WITH you"

Being in The Assigned Authority position NOW, that is all so much clearer.

I am the senior member of my team at work, and now, every time I train a newbie, every time I finish catching them up to speed and giving them a list of everything that needs to be done, my next big hurdle seems to always be, "now take pride in the space when I'm not around". "Now don't assume I'll tell you when something is due or what orders to plan things in".

Now, having been on both sides of the struggle, I can appreciate the sticking points here

TO THE PERSON "IN CHARGE": The person deferring to you doesn't understand the invisible labor you're doing. They genuinely believe you know more, you WANT more, you see things they don't, and that they are being respectful and good by staying out of your way and waiting on your orders. THAT is the bit that's not clicking.

TO THE PERSON "WANTING TO HELP": "Help" implies that you are providing assistance to a problem that belongs to somebody else. Stop thinking like that. Understand that the problem belongs to BOTH of you equally, and consider what kind of shared space you BOTH want. What is your SHARED GOAL? Not THEIR goal, but a goal that belongs to you too. Own your space.

This is not a Commander-Lieutenant problem. This is a Partnership problem.

"don't comment on people's bodies!" i wouldn't usually do so, no. however, do not act like what is happening is a usual situation. also, do not gaslight me. i grew up in the 90s-00s. i remember when y'all would comment about how "fat" extremely-thin celebrities were. the push to not comment on people's bodies was, at least in part, to prevent eating disorders. also, this rule only seems to be followed when it is someone hyper-thin - every time a woman on the red carpet is even a little bloated, comments fly.

most importantly: she's a public figure. she is quite literally a model for swarovski. she is currently on tour. she regularly posts pictures of herself in ways that highlight her exposed bones. this is not a private citizen. she is making millions of dollars and is not in any way hiding what we all see to be true. it could also be argued that she is going so far as to highlight and sexualize her current figure.

her PR team - and there is one - obviously knows there is an issue here. they would have most likely released a statement if it was a health issue. they can do so without violating her privacy. so far she is quoted as saying she's "the healthiest" she's ever been. meanwhile her instagram content would have been flagged 5 years ago for being "thinspo."

research shows that exposure to ultra-thin body types does encourage self-image issues in young girls and women. to quote NEDA: "Of American elementary school girls who read magazines, 69% say that the pictures influence their concept of the ideal body shape. 47% say the pictures make them want to lose weight." I cannot even imagine what social media is doing on a much larger scale.

due to social pressures, you can "catch" an eating disorder. eating disorders are also the most deadly mental illness to have.

anecdotally, before i recovered, figures like her would have been extremely triggering for me. most people who have any passing experience with this content will agree: it is becoming harder to fight the internalization of those thoughts.

this is not because i dislike her. i have no opinion on her actually. it literally has nothing to do with her as a performer or as a person. however, there is a reason people fought to deplatform eugenia cooney: it is not because we seek to abandon that person, but instead because their behavior is genuinely concerning and they should not be given massive amounts of access to the public.

if she was self-harming or doing drugs (or god forbid shaving her head), companies would be too "concerned" with their public image to support her as a model. but she is just... too skinny, and it's okay to be skinny, because we as a society hate fatness.

as more and more celebrities follow in her wake, we are beginning to see hyper-thinness as being "normal" or "toned" where it is not normal nor is it toned - it is often extreme thinness.

and no, there is nothing wrong with being skinny. every time i comment on something related to this, some skinny person regales me with times they've been attacked by some kind of pro-fat mafia - as if that makes my point untrue; as if private suffering negates the existence of public research. eating disorders are real, and they are dangerous, and if you feel attacked because i am concerned about the normalization of sick bodies as role models - you need to go outside and talk to any fat person. what i am talking about is more important than your personal validation that your life was hard. if you're thin, you can just be thin, i am not stopping you nor am i judging you. i beg you, please think rationally about what i am actually saying. it is not a reflection on you; nor on your body; nor on your experience. this is about a popular performer displaying signs of an extremely dangerous mental illness.

she has done great work for charities. she's a great singer and actress. i do not know what she went through. my heart hurts for her and the pain she's clearly in. my understanding is that it is not uncommon for victims of sexual assault to develop an eating disorder. whatever is happening to her, i really, really hope she gets the help she so clearly needs.

in the meantime, though. she should not be on billboards. she should not be posting thinspo disguised as normal pictures. she should not be touting her health and wellness. she should not be held up as a paragon of sex and wealth.

🙄 What's an oddly specific pet peeve of yours?

🤢 Tell us a few of your "icks".

🥪 What is your least favorite food(s)?

☔ The most irritating kind of weather for you?

👨‍🎤 Name a celebrity you just have no patience for.

🎭 Name an author/filmmaker/artist etc you consider an overrated hack, or just don't fuck with

👸 Is there a historical figure you have personal beef with?

🧥 A clothing item, fashion trend or "aesthetic" you would rather die than put on your body.

📚 Worst book you've read lately!

🎬 Worst film you've seen lately!

🎧 A song that's been driving you up the wall recently (and not in a good way)!

🗨️ A word or expression that makes you want to tear your hair out whenever you hear it used?

🗣️ One sentence that would INSTANTLY make you lose respect for the person who said it.

🗺️ What is the ugliest (or overall least pleasant) place you've been to?

🚫 If you could eliminate one thing from the world — as if it never existed — what would it be?

🤬 Free space for a random NEGATIVE hot take or anecdote about something that pissed you off! STRIFE & HATRED ON PLANET EARTH 😈🔥🔥