khoLi.

Before anybody starts commenting about Azealia or Lauryn, let me say that I've known what self hate looks like long before Banks found bleach cream and bullied 13-year-old girls on Twitter and we all heard Unplugged and the homophobia and illusion that came with it, and yes, they, too, need/needed psychological help. And many of us who have been paying attn have already acknowledged that. And, of course, wish them both a person caring/concerned enough to get them there. And then, let me say also, that this post is about Kanye. And #blackgenius and #solitude while among many and #pressure and #power and #grief and each and every fan/foe + the media debating and deciding your mental state before you take a moment to check in with yourself. This is about #crazy and #arrogant and #off and #attentionseeking and #stupid and #nigga and #notblacknomore and homogenous expectations of existence and #stillstriving when it #allfallsdown and #impact and a lot of us, most of us, not knowing what it looks like/or takes to get to old or new Kanye, or even old or new versions of ourselves. But most of us know lashing out and anger and rage and not having the words for the feelings but speaking them anyways. And #selfsabotage. On wtvr level we live. At least I know them. And. This is my post. And this is my #possibilitymodel. And right now, I don't want to make it about black manhood or femme politics or babying another man child. I know what "am I crazy? They think im crazy. Idk but don't think I am" feels like. I know shame when losing it in front of all the ones you've been holding it together for. Right now, I can only make this all about #Kanye. #northsdad #writing

#AndSoItGoes #Itsnotjustabeyoncesong -- Hi. My name's khoLi. And for years I've been a liar, a people pleaser, and an all-around victim of a neveerending #desire to be loved. I say this, because not wanting to hurt folks has constantly kept me in hiding, even from myself. So, I might as well stop that. Right now. With you guys. And really, there's not much more of a lesson here other than that previous way of living isn't sustainable. OK, and maybe another lesson: avoiding all disaster is the quickest way to find oneself standing in the middle of ruin. And then maybe: sometimes ruin is necessary for identifying and defining your own resilience. And then: Life is hard. There's no need to make it harder. Just #playnice.

During our last workout, I was explaining the ways in which #unconditionalove - the experience, understanding, and belief in it - often registers differently for #queerwomen because of the traumas we experience when having to constantly negotiate our being via outsider comfortability in life. This could be with our parents, communities, friends, our own lovers struggling w/their own identities, etc. -- Anyways, @arisaawhite perfectly encapsulates so many experiences of being an #outsider AND a range of #black and #queerdesire in her newest book of #poetry. There's a link to my full #feels on it in my bio if you're interested. -- #writing #arisawhite #yourethemostbeautifulthingthathappened

Seeing my name and words in print never fails to brighten my day. Knowing that I got to work with @eastbayexpress' @sara.baku (my favorite #editor ... and it's hard for me as an editor to admit that about another editor), and write about the amazing @arisaawhite ... that's just like icing on the literary lover's cake. -- #blessings #drkholi #blackwomenwriters #yourethemostbeautifulthingthathappened #writing

When I wrote poems just to get me through ... until the next time we met. We don't know each other anymore.

When you need to go off a bit for the people.

Sometimes life is really very hard. And you're misunderstood. And you misunderstand. And you feel hurt. And alone. And you may worry. But you can also trust. And if you do so, you might get through another day knowing you've shown up, as asked, or as you prefer, in integrity, in your purpose, with clear vision. Even with as difficult as waking was. Even with as difficult as breathing is, when your chest has been this tight for this long. Even with how fear has found its way around each corner you attempt to turn. Even with everything suggesting you might perish, you can know you will not. And you can do a thing, like making it out the house to a #pumpkinpatch party, and find a piece of joy in #sage colored produce, and revel in a small thing, and, in honesty, say "I tried." - #writing

have it. because --> this is what you've worked (so very hard) for ... the very moment that you're in ... however it feels, whatever it comprises. you're always almost there, and still already in it.