the rolling potato

the only way out is through but fuuuuuuuuuck fuuuuucckkkk cant i like scooch past or something

you're just mad because you're hungry and tired and your legs hurt and you head hurts and you're too hot and you have depression

fuuuuck i just realized that the future idealized version of myself cant exist without current me being the catalyst for change and doing hard things. has anybody heard about this

one thing about me is that I'm looking stuff up. you mentioned something and I don't know it? I am pulling out my phone and googling that shit. an actor? theoretical physics? a world leader? a vocabulary word? I am on the wikipedia page as we speak

it's like why do i feel ashamed of every action or inaction i ever make. will i ever be ok with myself. will i ever just let it be

loudly going "YOU'RE GOOD YOU'RE GOOD" to myself to ward off the memory of every embarrassing thing i've ever done

writing? oh, i’m definitely writing. in my head. during the most inconvenient times. like in the shower or when i’m about to fall asleep. actual typing? no, no, we don’t do that here.

I love cooking things and then not sharing them with people. For me, cooking is really an act of disconnection and hatred.

i cannot hate myself into a version of me i will love.

i cannot punish myself in any way that will unmake the past.